STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

This wedding is not a surprise. The couple have been engaged for some time. MIL could have expressed her boundaries a lot earlier and given her DS a heads up to inform him prior to inviting DSM.
Her response seems timed to provide maximum drama - the fact that BIL was unsurprised suggests that it wasn't the genuine decline of someone who just cannot do the awful thing they need to, but more the act of a person looking to turn her DSs wedding into her big thing.
I get that being cheated on and divorced sucks I really do, but 20 years is a long time regardless of what happened in the past.

How much projection?
Op, as a child from divorced parents who had all my major life achievements ruined by my selfish divorced rowing parents, get on and do what you want.
Mil is the selfish attention seeker here, it's been 20 yrs! The op and her soon to be dh didn't start any of this, stop projecting and filling in blanks to fulfil your own ends and grow up!
I had a table plan that would rival the UN in terms of diplomacy and actually the attitude that if either of my parents couldn't behave or respect my wishes for one day, they could do one.
I didn't ask for divorced parents, I fell into step with their new lives when they were the adults, any agenda should not affect me/you children of divorce.

I agree Lizzy I don't think I have ever seen so much projected shit on a thread as I have seen on this one.

It's like there are loads of posters out there who are secretly biding their time until they can unleash this type of shite on their own DC and then think they have got their revenge on the OW. Pathetic.

Bloody tragic. It has got to the point where I am now going to hide the thread, it's just shameful how some people, like OPs MIL, behave.

I'm getting quite fed up with some of the utter bollocks on this thread too, people projecting like mad, getting so angry about the scant details of how some people they don't know anything about may or may not have behaved more than 20 years ago. Calling his stepmother of 20 years, who he wants at his wedding, a bed warmer is just so rude and obviously coming from a personal place of bitterness and fury.

Sometimes people can't stand the person they are married to for another minute and find someone else they'd prefer to be with, which is the catalyst for making the changes they need to make; it's not ideal obviously, but neither is it a hanging offence apart from on MN There actually are worse things people can do to each other. People in bad relationships can treat each other terribly in all sorts of different ways and everyone is better off when it's over.

Not one of us knows the dynamics of the OP's future inlaws' marriage, which ended more than 20 years ago. And their son may not know everything either about his parents. He has chosen to be involved with his dad and stepmother all these years. His mother is unable to put him before herself for one day and, unless she is actually mentally unwell, there is no excuse for that.

She could have said whatever it is she feels she couldn't stop herself saying to SM/OW at any time in the past 20 years! And perhaps that is what she should have done. Maybe it would have been healthier for her. Then she wouldn't now be considering missing her son's wedding or trying to manipulate him into changing his guest list so that she will attend. Making it all about her.

This is not doing a lot to help me look forward to my stepdaughter's wedding next year. I've been with her father for 20 years and looked after her a lot. She's lived with us sometimes - both as a teenager and a young woman. My daughter (her sister) will be a bridesmaid. Arguably, as somebody who's been with her Dad for 20 years I've probably been a reasonable role model in terms of what marriage is/can be. (Whereas my stepdaughter only remembers her parents being unhappy together.) However, I'll definitely be blanked by my stepdaughter's mother - despite the fact that my relationship with my husband started after their marriage was over. She's rude and hostile to my husband too - despite the fact that their decision to part was a mutual one. (She just seems to hate him being with someone else.) I'm quite happy to make small talk with anybody, but having somebody look through you as if you don't exist, is a bit difficult at what is meant to be a happy occasion. So I am feeling rather sorry for the uninvited stepmother in this situation....

" So I am feeling rather sorry for the uninvited stepmother in this situation...."

but you didn't hijack anyone's marriage.

Speaking from my own experience, STBXH began an EA with OW while DSs were 2 and 10mo. XH repeatedly asked to reconcile but would not drop the OW (I'd catch him out on lies/he continually messaged her on days out with me and the boys etc). Neither XH or OW had the conscience to offer the truth upfront so we could end the marriage with dignity. I gave the marriage everything I had, but he took from me and didn't reciprocate (emotional and financial abuse as well).

There's no going back for us and, unfortunately, the lies continue: I found out that XH had moved in with OW and had been having the boys there for weeks after I made a routine phone call to sort out my council tax! I've been so angry and hurt for over a year now because the man I loved didn't have a scrap of respect for me and my feelings.

Believe me, I don't want to feel this way. I'm on ADs, have counselling and do the Freedom Programme. I have XH in for coffee and ring him if the boys are upset and missing him. I do this knowing that I love him, despite everything. I know I will find someone better in the future.

But the idea of seeing XH and OW at an event like this tears at me. The boys were baptised today (OW wasn't there) and I coped, although it wasn't easy with some family and friends still feeling raw about the way our separation came about. I'm not sure the pain of seeing the man with whom I hoped to have a happy life standing with the person he threw it all away for will ever disappear.

I think I would do the same as you STBMIL OP and I believe your STBDH has made the right decision. I would never decline to cause anyone pain or be selfish; it would just be too much for me to take. I hope my DSs never have this decision to make.

I find it really interesting that the BIL who lives with his mother has a clear opinion that she is being manipulative but posters who don't know the woman seem to know her better.

Revenge is a dish best served cold and I think the MIL is doing exactly this. She is basically hoping to stick it to her ex's wife, she has bided her time and is hoping that FIL's wife is excluded from the wedding, leaving her in no doubt that despite 20 years of marriage, 20 years of decent relationship with her step sons, she is still nothing in the family and will be left home on the day. It is quite brilliant really. I think she overplayed her hand in asking that the son not tell his father the reason why she won't attend. But clearly what she was hoping was that the son would say to his father and his step mother "I don't want step mother at my wedding because she is not family" Revenge complete.

I have a lot of sympathy for MIL - must have been awful to be cheated on. But 20 years later is time to get over it. As for the poster who said "this is the woman who stole her life"??? Seriously. you steal a man and you steal a woman's life? Plenty of people get over a man and move on with life just fine. I hope MIL was one of them and this is the last blip of her anger (mind you fairly awful blip if you will make your son's wedding day a battleground).

I also find it fascinating how many posters call this woman - married for 20 years - as the OW as if she just hopped out of a married man's bed. Mind you no one refers to the father as anything other than FIL - not the adulterer or the cheat. Funny that.

OP, I think your future dh is very nice and trying his best - and I hope he succeeds in getting everyone to get along. I suspect FIL's wife will stay home on the day to avoid conflict.

My sympathy for the stepmother is because I have been perceived as this creature the 'Other Woman'.

Certainly my husband's ex and her friends regarded me in a very dubious and negative light in the early days of our relationship. It's possibly for this reason - seeing the ex and her parents - that I'm feeling a little tense about my stepdaughter's wedding.

A friend I'd known vaguely for sometime, who has never met my husband or my stepchildren and basically knows nothing about my family life recently suffered a marriage breakup. The especially painful sort which involves deception, a younger woman, having to sell a property which had been home etc etc.

However, it was really weird because she suddenly started on me. Without having asked me anything, she told me that my husband had clearly lied to me about his former marriage being over and that he and his ex would clearly have been reconciled without me and my nasty immorality turning up. (Never mind that they really, really didn't like each other.) And when I started - for the sake of our friendship - to explain a little about the past, and that being a stepmother can at times be a difficult and painful experience, my old friend told me that I clearly felt guilty about the past and she had no sympathy with me.

This was an intelligent and successful woman. I then had to wonder a) whether I had never know my friend in the first place or b) the stress of being left by her husband - she'd used the term 'abandoned' - had made her unwell.

Because essentially I was attacked simply for not being my husband's first wife. It was very odd. As if we'd gone back to the Victorian era and I was a fallen woman.

you only invite people you think would enjoy being there though? I mean I didn't invite anyone for my benefit, just people I though would enjoy it.
If anyone didn't want to go then fine. So I didn't have the thought, I'd like you to come, more I think you would like to come.

People get married all the time without their parents there.

Marvik - that's awful!

I am a SM too, and also not/never was the OW. The worst I've had is friends telling me that if they ever split up from their husbands they'd never remarry as it's not fair to the children to bring a stepparent into their lives. Two different friends have told me this - it makes me feel very uncomfortable, what am I supposed to say to that as a SM myself?? And one who makes a big effort to be the best SM I can be and has a good relationship with DSS...

obviously coming from a personal place of bitterness and fury.

The bedwarmer comment was mine. No personal bitterness or fury, I would just always value my mother over my father's ... whatever and think anyone who wouldn't has their priorities twisted. It's not a situation that's relevant to my own life so there's certainly no "personal" bitterness influencing my opinion.

I didn't say that they should value their mother over their father - and I don't think that; more like parents before non parents, blood before non blood.

I agree with Imperial too.
Your MIL, is finding the past haunting her again, and is hurting.
I don't believe she is trying to make you choose, she can't face it, so is stepping back.
Maybe your partner, could ask his Father to attend the evening ceremony, with his wife, and forego the wedding. Sometimes it's the price people have to pay for their infidelities.
Maybe elope !!

decaff , so in your world of blood before non blood , that would mean my DH should always prioritise his mother ( with whom I'm NC which was originally her choice) over me - what a ridiculous suggestion.

^*The bedwarmer comment was mine. No personal bitterness or fury, I would just always value my mother over my father's ... whatever and think anyone who wouldn't has their priorities twisted. It's not a situation that's relevant to my own life so there's certainly no "personal" bitterness influencing my opinion.

I didn't say that they should value their mother over their father - and I don't think that; more like parents before non parents, blood before non blood.*^

This isn't about valuing anyone more than anyone else.

This is op and her Dhs wedding, not mils, not fils or his wife's.

Op and her dh should be able to invite who they like. They would like mil FIL and wife to be there. If mil chooses not to go then it's her loss, but she shouldn't be dictating the rest of the guest list.

Blood before non blood is a fucking stupid comment. Maybe it applies to you but not to everyone, personally my step dad is worth a shit lot more to me than my actual dad is, because he's fucking been there for me, and that is FAR more important than sharing his DNA.

By your logic, if mil decided she didn't like op and didn't want her son to marry her, he'd have to leave her, because blood before non blood.

It's not his mothers wedding and I wholeheartedly think she should stop trying to use her child (yes an adult child but still) against her ex husband and his wife of twenty years.

This is a very distressing topic, and I do hope 'OliviaBenson', who seems charming and caring, does not have her wedding disrupted. I understand that her partner is asking his father not to bring his second wife to the wedding. I think it is the best solution to a very difficult problem, and hope that his father and second wife agree; I think mother-in-law is genuinely distressed by the alternative.

Doing itfine, I agreed with all your perceptive comments, and imagine you have been in this situation, as I have. The people who so blithely say 'she should get over it, it's over twenty years ago' have no idea.

Increasing numbers of my contemporaries have had to undergo this situation, and in our limited experience, the second wife rarely behaves well; it seems as though she has to establish her position in front of family and friends, and most particularly , the first wife. Lots of petty spitefulnesses designed to upstage the mother. One uninvited second wife even camped out in a caravan near the reception venue and turned up to collect her husband at 10pm.

A somewhat unsympathetic mother of the bride ( when the first wife refused to attend her son's wedding after the second wife's behaviour at the 'meet the family' engagement party), is now experiencing these feelings for herself. Some years on, she is unfairly an abandoned wife, she is now threatening to withdraw considerable and essential child care from her daughter if the OW, who offered to help out in an extremely difficult family crisis, is 'allowed anywhere near my grandchildren; I am not having them mentioning her name.'

It is not easy to get over it.

'This is op and her Dhs wedding, not mils, not fils or his wife's'

The trouble is, it's not our wedding either.

OP and her DH, presumably intelligent and knowing all parties better than us, read all of our comments and made an informed decision. She came back ages ago and updated on what they'd decided to do.

Hundreds more posts later, some people are still essentially trying to say that the decision they've made about their own wedding is wrong.

Blood before non blood is a fucking stupid comment. Maybe it applies to you but not to everyone, personally my step dad is worth a shit lot more to me than my actual dad is, because he's fucking been there for me, and that is FAR more important than sharing his DNA.

Your Dad obviously let you down, that's why you've responded the way you have - it still hurts you that your step dad treated you better than your DNA dad did and it shouldn't have been like that. Your DNA dad should have put blood first - he started, caused and continues your pain by not having done so, not me for pointing it out.

HappyJanuary

Maybe just maybe we think its wrong because we have experience of the high probability of what happens next.

This is getting off topic, but I think it is really sad to put so much emphasis on 'blood' and am proud to be part of a blended family where there are half/step relationships all over the place and yet everyone gets on and values people for who they are rather than whether or not there is a blood relationship.

Very often it will naturally be the case that blood relationships in terms of parents/children, siblings etc are the strongest and most full of love. But definitely not always. Surely love is the thing, blood relationship or no.

My own bit of projection... Anyone who says and means - without exception - "blood before non-blood" can fuck off. I should put my birth child before my adopted child, should I? Or come their weddings, expect to be second fiddle to her birth parents because, despite everything, I'm not "blood"? Really???

And of course you need to put your second cousin before your husband / partner AND your ( adopted ) children .

Because blood.

I feel for your dh op, short of you both eloping whatever decision he makes he suffers the fallout from. Not stbmil or stbfil. And there will be fallout either way, it's easy for people to say either should suck it up or act noble but in reality even if people do there's hurt feelings and resentment.

Good luck to you both.

Dh to be even

I think one problem about people who strongly favour 'blood' is that this attitude can create a distance between them and their close relations.

My mother has never really accepted that my stepchildren are part of my family. She doesn't ask me about them or express interest in their lives. I don't have a problem with the idea that she feels a particular connection with my daughter who is her only grandchild. But it's as if she's airbrushed two human beings who I have cared for and seen grow up and from who I've learned a lot - right out of my life. (She'll occasionally ask my husband about them out of politeness, but that's as far as it goes.)