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Original poster

"My Husband/WifeWould Never Have An Affair"

252 replies

headinhands · 22/08/2016 22:58

Is it just me but, there seems to be so many 'breakup + ow/om' posts at the moment? Been reading them today and getting angrier and angrier on their behalf and feel so much empathy for them (and very impressed with how mature they're being!)

Got me thinking about how sure some married people are that their partner wouldn't/isn't having an affair. Seeing these posts about these affairs that come out of the blue how on earth can anyone say that? Do you say that about your spouse? And if so what makes you feel you can say that with any confidence?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 26/08/2016 10:22

I really hope if I knew my relationship was over and it was so dead that I had the emotional room to be making romantic connections with people that I would understand I should call it a day.

I think everyone would hope that.

Truth is, most people (who are not living with abuse) only 'discover' they are not happy when someone else turns their head.

HappyJanuary · 26/08/2016 10:26

Some infidelity statistics here

HappyJanuary · 26/08/2016 10:34

Stoic - Yes and then they simply have no choice but to continue the deception for months and years just so, you know, they can make absolutely certain that the new person is sufficiently better than their husband/wife. We wouldn't want them to make any hasty decisions that might jeopardise their own happiness.

And on discovery they should probably deny it a lot, so their spouse doesn't force them to make a decision any quicker than they'd like.

And after all that it's such a shame that, based on how many live to regret the decision and how many second marriages arising from an affair go on to fail, they were actually wrong.

OneArt · 26/08/2016 10:35

HappyJanuary thank you for that explanation, it made a lot sense until the last sentence, at which point I thought 'what a fucking unpleasant thing to say'.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 26/08/2016 10:36

Statistics rely on people being 100% truthful though

If you have been or are currently being unfaithful and have managed to conceal it from everyone around you then you are hardly going to admit it to a random researcher are you?

HappyJanuary · 26/08/2016 10:41

Stoic - good, mission accomplished then

TheStoic · 26/08/2016 12:53

Stoic - good, mission accomplished then

Don't think that was to me?

HappyJanuary · 26/08/2016 14:00

Whoops no, sorry!

dimots · 26/08/2016 15:24

I have been left for OW following a long standing affair by my husband of 20 years. I stand by my view that it would be no less hurtful to be left for no reason. You would still be questioning all your memories. That holiday you thought was so romantic - was he just putting up with you and pretending to be happy? You would still be always wondering if there was an OW - going over and over the possibility. So no it isn't 'fucking stupid' as Happy so rudely put it. At least I know what (and who) to blame for the destruction of mine and my children's lives.

HappyJanuary · 26/08/2016 15:36

So it wouldn't hurt less if there was an honest reason, rather than ow? That's interesting. For me it was the lies and betrayal, the thought of them both conspiring against me, that hurt more than anything. How I wish he had gone under different circumstances, honestly, so my kids didn't have to find out what their dad was capable of.

ravenmum · 26/08/2016 15:59

There's usually a "reason", isn't there, even if there is no OW? They say that they are going because of some problem. A less hurtful probem like "we've both changed" or a more hurtful one like "I don't fancy you any more". I would imagine that even one of the less hurtful reasons would still feel like a rejection.

In my case my ex started acting nastily to me during his affair, and it is the nastiness I was most upset about. But on the other hand it did at least make me pleased to see the back of him. I wasn't surprised that he left - in fact I urged him to leave quickly.

After the nastiness, I wasn't even surprised to find out about the affair, though I was surprised at the details - quite how much of a dirty, lying creep he had been. That was the shocking part for me, as it showed just how little respect he had for me. You don't get that with a "normal" break-up, I guess.

But comparing an affair-based breakup with an affairless breakup is pointless anyway. They all hurt, and anyone going through a breakup deserves sympathy.

problembottom · 26/08/2016 16:38

I've never been cheated on to my knowledge but there's just no way I could say DP wouldn't ever cheat on me because it happens to so many people.

DP has several friends/work associates who are serial cheaters on their wives, always onto a new woman. They all work abroad a lot so it's really easy (meaning it would be for DP!). I have no idea if the wives know but I suspect not.
I have a friend who cheated on her fiance repeatedly before they split up.
When I was growing up another friend found out her dad had a whole other family - OW and kids - living close by thanks to the News of the World.
And no-one knows for sure but we think my BIL and my DBro have both cheated in their marriages. In BIL's case the suspicion came from his wife, my DSis, he denied it. As for DBro, my dad told him we all knew what he was up to and to stop it... no reply but things went back to normal!

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers · 26/08/2016 16:47

I've thought the same thing, op.

But I guess at some point there has to be trust or no one would ever marry or have a long term relationship.
I do trust dh totally. I'm not naive enough to proclaim our marriage immune to anything but I know that i wouldn't cheat. And if I wouldn't then I assume that there are also men who wouldn't.

All we can do is work on it (from both sides, certainly not saying the wife does all the running) communicate and be kind to each other. I hope we will make it long term. We met in our mid thirties which I think is in our favour

SpookyPotato · 26/08/2016 16:54

I totally trust DP as he just isn't like that, I feel very comfortable that he wouldn't. But I would never say never... Sometimes circumstances change, people change, opportunities present themselves when the relationship is bad. So I do trust him and think this is essential to feeling happy with someone, but I know there is a possibility it could happen.

ravenmum · 26/08/2016 16:55

I guess at some point there has to be trust or no one would ever marry or have a long term relationship
I suppose that the alternative is having an open relationship and avoiding the issue of trust altogether, as others have said - but I can't imagine how that would work for anyone wanting children, i.e. most people at some point.

SandyY2K · 26/08/2016 16:58

Honestly, I now think a faithful husband is only faithful because he hasn't had the opportunity to cheat.

Do you think the same of women who are faithful? That it's down to opportunity?

Bogeyface · 26/08/2016 17:13

I wonder though whether an open relationship doesnt need trust. Surely the rules in any relationship rely on both parties following them. An open relationship is just as much at risk of cheating, in fact possibly even more so given that the opportunities to meet other people is higher. Just having sex with other people is fine as long as both partners agree, but what if someone falls in love? That goes against the rules if they keep both the primary and secondary relationship going without the full knowledge and consent of their primary partner.

cariboo · 26/08/2016 20:53

I think this thread is feeding our collective fear and causing needless anxiety.

TwoNoisyBoys · 26/08/2016 22:34

Yep, another one here. Five minutes, five SECONDS before I found emails I wouldve bet anything my dp would never, ever cheat on me. And I mean I would have bet ANYTHING! House, car, even my own life.....
Another stupid believer. I'll never trust anyone 100% again.

Onmyownwith4kids · 26/08/2016 22:51

I agree with happyjanuary. My ex husband threw his arms around me saying 'I am so glad I married you' days before I discovered his affair. There is a part of me that will never get over the fact that someone who saw me at my most vulnerable bringing his children into the world was capable of such deceit. But he deceived her too. Only I know that he only ran off with his 'soulmate' after begging me to take him back. I relationships don't always lady but I made life choices based on a lie. Not so has his ow.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/08/2016 23:02

I agree that infidelity doesn't need to be the death of a relationship. My folks have been married for nearly 50 years. It was not always easy for various reasons, infidelity being one (but not the worst).

Relationships can and do survive infidelity, but it takes work and will and a desire from both to remain together.

TheNaze73 · 26/08/2016 23:11

I don't think anyone can ever say they can be 100% certain that their partner won't cheat. You can trust but, saying never would be incredibly naive

Frockingst · 27/08/2016 00:39

YY Naze

KatieHopkinsAteMyHamster99 · 27/08/2016 04:23

Being in an open relationship does require trust, communication and respect/anticipation of everyone else's needs and rights.

My partner and I are in a polyamorous relationship where we are both free to have loving relationships with others. I currently have another partner who
I have been seeing for just over a year. We also swing together for fun. We have been together 20+ years and it would take a lot more than sex with someone else to do for our relationship. Obviously there are bumps in the road and problems at times. But we are both happy.

ravenmum · 27/08/2016 07:01

I knew someone who had the same arrangement, KatieH, though she got fed up with it after a few years. I could imagine doing something like that now, in my late 40s (though not with my bf as it is not his thing), but does it work with children? Would you be OK with it in old age, when a full time partner might be more practical?

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