"My Husband/WifeWould Never Have An Affair"

[headinhands]

Is it just me but, there seems to be so many 'breakup + ow/om' posts at the moment? Been reading them today and getting angrier and angrier on their behalf and feel so much empathy for them (and very impressed with how mature they're being!)

Got me thinking about how sure some married people are that their partner wouldn't/isn't having an affair. Seeing these posts about these affairs that come out of the blue how on earth can anyone say that? Do you say that about your spouse? And if so what makes you feel you can say that with any confidence?

Oh and Sunday was our "family day".... Balloons, kids eat free. The same men boasting of their conquests Friday night would be in with the family on Sunday.

Made me sick
No wonder I ended up on antidepressants due to that job

Yes, a few months ago I would have sworn that STBXH would never, ever have cheated. I would have taken bets that if he wanted out of the marriage he would just take himself off and live in a tent in a turnip field if he had to. Oh no, not only did he cheat, but he did so in the most spectacularly cliched way. He went off with a colleague 26 years his junior because they had "liked each other for a long time and only got together when it was obvious our marriage was dead in the water". Pity he neglected to tell me first. He had been "miserable for years and couldn't face the thought of a miserable old age with me". He said that I spoke down to him and had treated him like shit ever since the children came along. He loves OW and thinks he will be happy with her. They moved into a rented flat together two weeks after he told me he was leaving.

As I said, he was the last person I would ever have thought would do that. However, he was (and no doubt still is) selfish, entitled, easily offended and seems to have narcissistic traits. Maybe that's a pointer ...

Sorry to everybody who is going through this.

I genuinely think anyone could and it's mostly the luck of the draw as to why some people don't get involved in a situation which could count as cheating.

I always thought I was absolutely the kind of person who'd never be am OW. But it's happened twice (sort of). Once the MM had split up with his wife. They lived in separate cities. Their mates said they had been broken up for two years. But apparently they had been on again/off again for years, and he was sleeping with her and me simultaneously. He seemed like the sweetest guy, we had taken it slowly, I really thought I'd struck gold. Until he dumped me because his wife was pregnant which was very exciting.

The second time it involved a mate of DH's. Lovely guy. Family man. Adored his wife and little boy. Agreed to share a room with him for practical reasons on a night away from home, with permission of both spouses. I took sleeping pills, woke up to find him on top of me. His wife was devastated, blamed me entirely and still (I am told) slags off the psycho evil OW who also lied and cried rape when she was found out.

So, I've been the OW twice. Also had several partners cheat on me. In one case I even used to take phone messages from OW. I thought she was just a mate's gf. Didn't have a clue.

I think it's staggeringly common and I wonder how many people who swear blind it could never happen just don't know it already has.

Tabs you weren't the OW you the second time you were raped don't let them make you think you did something wrong because you didn't

Heartonmysleeve1 - thank you. That's what my DH said, but Iost a fair few friends who sided with MM and his DW about the whole thing, and it's left a fair few scars. Seems like no one wanted to believe this lovely family man could have done some thing awful and it was easier to believe that the woman with purple hair who'd been in a psych ward one time was to blame for the whole thing.

It's left me awfully suspicious of men in general, esp allegedly lovely decent men who claim to have been lead astray by loose women.

FYI-I am in an open relationship
The statistics are pretty clear that around 25% of married women and 33+ percent of married men have cheated IIRC.You have to ask on that basis whether you are going to demonise all those people or challenge whether monogamy is realistic for everyone. Clearly there are a majority of people who are happy with one partner but there are a substantial minority who aren't. I think there should be more honest and open discussion generally about sexual and emotional fidelity.

I didn't really trust my ex, because when we first got together he cheated after a couple of years. We split up but later got back together – but that meant that despite loving him, I never really felt confident he wouldn't, or wasn't. And that wasn't great for the relationship. So I think maybe having that trust in your partner isn't a bad thing.

I remember a (somewhat prone to oversharing) college lecturer telling us his wife had been the only one for him, ever, and he'd never been unfaithful (he was an old guy) – I thought "uh, why would you do that anyway, do most men cheat?" Fast forward 30 years and yes, I think most men do, or would if they got the chance. There are always a lot of these sorry tales on MN, and it has opened my eyes a lot.

I know many women do too of course. I do wonder if strict monogamy makes any sense.

Gosh yes. I fully appreciate that sexuality is a spectrum and monogamy is not right for many. But honesty is best for everyone and even if I decided tomorrow that monogamy wasn't best for me I hope my respect for the partner I have (who embarked on a relationship with me believing it was monogamous) would cause me to sit them down rather than waiting until I'd been in an additional sexual relationship without their knowledge.

I agree with pp that people who say they absolutely "know" they/their partner wouldn't cheat are being smug and arrogant, and frankly unintelligent.
I'm not sure whether I envy or pity such blithe narrow minded ignorance.

Also I don't think cheating is the hanging offence that some would have you believe either.

It is absolutely awful to be the one cheated on, believe me I know. And FWIW I've never cheated myself.

But life and relationships are so much more complicated than such simplistic view as "I'll LTB without a second thought if he ever cheats and he knows it" and I actually feel sorry for the partner of someone who thinks that way.

Honestly, I now think a faithful husband is only faithful because he hasn't had the opportunity to cheat.

^I agree

'll LTB without a second thought if he ever cheats and he knows it" and I actually feel sorry for the partner of someone who thinks that way.

Why?

Just to be clear I don't think it's ok for people to cheat on their partners. But I think that (serial) monogamy is not just the norm in our society it is the only option that most of us are aware of. So I don't think it would even occur to most people to have that conversation with their partner about opening their relationship if they met someone else they were attracted to. They would just end the relationship or more likely, cheat.

This happened to me years ago. Xh was truly the last person I'd suspect of cheating. He absolutely followed the script to the letter though. I was in an oblivious bubble. (Or maybe fog, with 2 under 3's)

Weirdly, clearing out a load of old books last weekend I found an unread one called "beat the bitch" by tess Stimson, that I don't recall buying but really should have read at the time I did. It's bloody brilliant. A bit tongue in cheek but with hindsight, it totally nails the signs of affairs and crucially, what to do next to ensure you're not financially shafted if you separate.

It's a few years old now but well worth a read. Xh just neatly ticks all the philandering boxes and will apparently never change. Good luck to the ow..

But life and relationships are so much more complicated than such simplistic view as "I'll LTB without a second thought if he ever cheats and he knows it" and I actually feel sorry for the partner of someone who thinks that way.

I agree relationships, and humans, are complicated. I believe life-long monogamy is unrealistic for most people. I'm more than open to exploring other types of relationships.

But I would still leave my partner if he cheated on me. No ifs or buts. Not because he's a terrible person, but because I could no longer trust him and living that way would send me insane.

I think that it's unrealistic to expect most people to 'be honest' and walk away from a relationship that isn't working without first finding someone else. It's just too easy to rub along with your current partner (unless things are absolutely awful) and too traumatic to instigate a split (especially if you have kids) that it's much more likely for most people that they'll stick with their current relationship until someone else catches their eye.

I say this as someone who has been faithful to my DH for 19 years and (as far as I know) haven't been cheated on either, so I'm not trying to excuse my / his behaviour. I'm just being realistic.

I think that it's unrealistic to expect most people to 'be honest' and walk away from a relationship that isn't working without first finding someone else.

Completely agree. I read so often 'If you're not happy, leave your relationship first before you find someone else', and I wonder what planet those people are on. It's not this one.

Yeah, the 'just leave if you're not happy ' might be realistic for a shorter term relationship, but once homes, finances, kids etc are in the mix - no one is going to do that if things are just OK. Most cheaters who leave weren't that unhappy before anyway. They just found something they thought was better.
I'm not sure being left when there wasn't an OW is less traumatic anyway. I would feel I must be incredibly unlovable if my husband left me and didn't have a clear reason. And I would suspect an OW anyway - drive myself mad thinking about it. You only have to look at the boards here - when a man leaves everyone immediately says 'OW'.

I know many people are scared of being alone and too much of a coward to risk not having "a partner", whichever that may be. But that's a pretty poor and weak character trait. They should finish one before starting the next.

I wonder what planet those people are on. It's not this one.

Affairs happen, but the ideal scenario is to leave a relationship before starting a new one. Having two on the go is a mindfuck surely.

I really hope if I knew my relationship was over and it was so dead that I had the emotional room to be making romantic connections with people that I would understand I should call it a day. I hope him indoors would do the same. You're just waiting people's time surely. Chances are you felt the relationship had reached its sell by date for years. Seems unfair for you to be aware of that, be keeping your eye open on the market all while your dp thought they had found their life partner. They won't get that time back.

Have to say I'm surprised at statistics quoted above that 25% of women cheat, as opposed to 33% men. My experience re friends and family is that the percentage would be far greater for men. I can honestly say I know of no-one, female, in my family/friends circle who has cheated, but I know of several men whose marriages and relationships have faltered due to OW. I always thought women's moral compasses were better than men's, who are lead more by their body parts. Maybe I'm wrong on that one then.

It may be the ideal scenario. I'm just saying it's the less likely scenario. And I agree with dimots that it may not be much less hurtful. If DH left me for another woman I'd be devastated. But I'd also be devastated if he just left, with no one else in the picture but just because he couldn't bear to be with me any longer.

I am old and a realist and I've seen lots of marriages fail in my time. I would never say never about my DH or myself. I like to hope we wouldn't but I know it's naive to think like that.

DH and I discuss this often whenever we hear of another couple getting divorced or having problems. We both feel too terrified of everything we'd stand to lose, the hassle, the hurt caused to our children, the financial chaos and loss, the emotional and practical upheaval caused, and that's before we even consider how an affair on either side would impact on one another! Also neither of us has the stomach for being single again, the whole dating scene again and the time it takes to get properly comfortable with someone else, the thought of having to integrate someone new with our children etc, urgh it makes us shudder at the thought.

Having said that, relationships change, people change, people frequently grow poles apart - especially if they married young, mid life crises and things like depression, financial worries, bereavement, empty nest syndrome etc can all have an impact on people's relationships and their state of mind. And sometimes people who may feel that they have 'settled' just meet someone who tips their world upside down and they lose their mind over it and can't not have an affair. Although I strongly believe that many if not most people who have affairs are secretly hoping for it or looking for it and sending out signals that invite it.

For example my best friend who recently had an affair with someone she met in a bar on a 'girls night out'. One of many 'girls nights out' that she had recently started going on since she turned 50, lost her dad, had the mother of all mid life crises and started behaving like a teenager on heat again.

She, in spite of what she will tell you, was most definitely gagging for some male attention from someone who was not her DH and repeatedly put herself in situations where that was likely to happen so it was only a matter of time before an affair was the result. Yet she insists it 'just happened' and she never went looking for it.

For others it genuinely does take them by surprise and they weren't looking for it at all, but when that connection with the OW/OM became apparent they just failed to find the strength to resist it.

I also think lots of people tell themselves they can have a bit of fun/a fling, that they deserve it, and that they can walk away and no-one needs to know or get hurt. That often works out just fine except that once someone's got away with it once it's hard not to do it again and eventually you either fall in love or get caught.

LiveLove I think you just hear about the men. They are probably less careful, more prolific, take more risks and are far more likely to tell their mates about it.

OneArt - if your DH leaves because he doesn't love you any more it's pretty devastating.

But if he leaves for ow then you have those exact same feelings ('he doesn't love me any more') plus the knowledge that he has been lying, cheating and deceiving you for a long time. You will wonder how many past memories are tainted. Did he disappear on holiday to phone her? Did he text her while you slept next to him? Did he despise those happy family days out? When was the last genuine memory you have?

Then you will obsessively compare yourself with ow.

Then you will have to watch him moving quickly on to a new life while you're still reeling.

It is not easier if he leaves for ow 'because at least there's a reason'. What a fucking stupid thing to say.