"My Husband/WifeWould Never Have An Affair"

[headinhands]

Is it just me but, there seems to be so many 'breakup + ow/om' posts at the moment? Been reading them today and getting angrier and angrier on their behalf and feel so much empathy for them (and very impressed with how mature they're being!)

Got me thinking about how sure some married people are that their partner wouldn't/isn't having an affair. Seeing these posts about these affairs that come out of the blue how on earth can anyone say that? Do you say that about your spouse? And if so what makes you feel you can say that with any confidence?

Cariboo, maybe, or maybe it is good to be more aware of how common it is, not to be in denial that it might happen to you?

My ex ' s affair was dreadful, but his leaving has given me a new lease of life. I feel like a whole person again, with full agency. I've had therapy and am a little kinder to myself.

I'm now less afraid of breaking up with someone. That makes me less afraid to be what I want with my partner. (Though old habits are hard to break!)

So to me it is not all about fear and negativity.

When you trust a partner, I think the best you can hope for is they haven't cheated yet, they're not cheating now and they don't intend do. That's not to say that they never will.

I'm afraid I'm cynical these days after divorcing in later life, doing online dating and being approached by seemingly happily married 'family' men in the workplace.

Ravenmum it's hard to say whether it will work in future years. At the moment DP and I live together with our kids. To the outside world we are a "normal" family.

I'm not sure I could have done it in the past, partly because of my fears about being unlovable, but it sounds a lot more appealing now.

I find that the ones who protest the most about other peoples affairs are the ones who end up doing the same thing. Maybe it's a denial thing

An ex colleague of mine said her DH wouldn't cheat and if he did the OW would need her head examined. Her reasons being:

● "He's shit in the sack" (I was shocked she
said that)
● Has poor social skills
● He's no good for and deep and
meaningful conversation
● He's boring

● Is as tight as a pig's behind and gave an
example of him buying ice cream at a
theme park and hiding from the kids so
he didn't have to buy for them to, another
example was when he asked the kids to
contribute money for the car park when
visited her dad in hospital.

I had to ask what made her marry him and makes her stay with him. She said he has a good job, is dependable, is a good provider, she doesn't want to not see her DCS everyday and generally did what she told him to do without complaining. ... and also that she didn't rely on him for everything like entertainment or deep conversation.

Sandy it sounds like she hates him. What a way to live, bringing up kids with someone you desire. He's probably quite vulnerable to having an affair with the first woman who shows him some affection.

Not desire! Despise

Sandy that's so sad! Why not get her own well paid job and adopt? Instead of being married to someone she doesn't adore. It's said for both of them.

collective fear and causing needless anxiety.

I suppose it depends. I'm guessing if you live in fear of and have anxiety about your partner having an affair then there may be deeper issues in yourself and your marriage that won't clear up by not reading about affairs.

Honestly, I now think a faithful husband is only faithful because he hasn't had the opportunity to cheat.

Would you say that about any negative behaviour such as stealing/assault etc?

I don't know anyone who has been convicted of theft or assault, but there have been several affairs among my friends and family.

Katie

She doesn't hate him and doesn't treat him badly. She's just not that into him (sexually) , but he's into her.

She has said he's great at DIY, sorting her car out and helping her elderly parents out.

The funny thing is she said he was okay with spending larger amounts of money on the kids ... like electronic games, but it was the little things he was mean with. He was also good with teaching the kids (when they were younger) stuff like swimming and bike riding, so he wasn't all bad.

I think after having several relationships that didn't end well, with good looking men who wasted her time with no permanent commitment, she decided stability was more important.

She feared the biological clock ticking away if she didn't hurry up. She readily admitted she wouldn't have married him if she was younger. That's the problem when you just settle for someone.

She has a reasonable paying job, but he's on 6 figures, they have great holidays, cars and kids in private schools. He opened savings accounts for each of the kids to go to University and does want the best for them.

She just can't see what would be in it for anyone to have an affair with him. I do suspect she may have had or might have an affair in the future though.

Plus her inlaws adore her. She reckons it's because they never thought he'd get married and she now understands why they thought that.

Sandy does he know she feels that way. I'd rather be alone then with someone who I knew wasn't 'into' me. As the song goes: 'give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it'.

Cheating isn't something I worry about atm. I'm divorced (for reasons of abuse rather than extramarital sex), while DP and I are in the dating phase of a relationship. But I remember how a previous XP drove me insane with my fear of his cheating. I was horribly insecure and he was an asshole. Long story.

It's not something I would say but I wouldn't worry that dh was or could unless I saw signs either. Everyone is capable of cheating, it's a choice.

I know one woman who claims what you've quoted and know her dh has tried to cheat before with someone I know. Whether he's cheated or not I don't know, only that he tried and so made the choice to do so. I also know someone who said she would never cheat yet last year did just that.

People believe what they want to believe and it makes them feel better and more secure. The simple fact is though that everyone is capable of anything. A man I know had been with his wife for 25 years, 3 lovely kids and as far as I know hadn't looked at anyone else. He was your stereotypical family man. A new colleague started at the office and within 6 months they were having an affair. He ended it after a month and his wife is non the wiser and he is back to being stereotypical family man but he was tempted and he took the bait. anyone can.

Sandy does he know she feels that way.

He doesn't know that she doesn't find him sexually attractive or at least he's never mentioned it to her.

She said finding the perfect man is impossible. When she was sexually attracted, they wouldn't commit, those who would commit wouldn't have been good providers.

So according to her she weighed it up and went for a safe guy, he's okay looking, he wanted kids, he could provide and he was ready to commit. Plus she sees him as being faithful to her.

There are many women who go for Mr Safe but will never admit it openly and I've supported a few of them who have had affairs.

They admit (to me) that the reasons they married wasn't so much for love, but that he was honest, reliable and a good provider financially. They really preferred the 'bad boy' type, but knew they wouldn't be the best husbands.

Then I've had those betrayed husbands, who pretty much twig they've been used, but still don't want to divorce after they know of the affair. It took one husband 12 affairs by his wife to decide enough was enough and file for divorce.

That's why I sometimes get very suspicious when a very good looking woman, settles with a certain type of man, because of what I've seen.

Had a skim read but TBH everyone needs to tread with caution.

For those spouses that have said, I wouldn't cheat, I would leave first.

Really?!

it isnt easy to break up a marriage particularly where DC are involved.

So your head is turned and you want this new person. So you just without any indication if they are right for you and before trying them out, you break up your marriage and leave you spouse and only then do you try this new person out.....not likely I am afraid.

More likely is, instead of breaking a marriage up without cheating first, it is more logical to try this person out: ie cheat, to see if it is worth leaving your marriage for.

I wouldnt cheat, I'd leave.....not that simple.

Ok, here goes even though I'll probably get skinned for this.

I didn't think I was the type to have an affair, until I did.

I considered myself happily married, content at least. A DH I got on well with and like and respect as a person. We have had our issues and are pretty different people, more so now than when we got married but life was nice. Sex was good even if it was secondary to doing the washing up, the PlayStation and watching the news at 10.

I then met OM. It was like being hit by a bus, I had never felt attraction like it in my life. He was the polar opposite to DH, ambitious, passionate, adventurous and in many ways way better suited to me. He was single and wanted me to leave and be with him but I just couldn't do it despite having fallen for him. Nothing in my world was bad enough to justify the damage it would cause so I ended it.

I didn't realise there was anything amiss until I met him so the leave if you're not happy mentality doesn't always apply. Since then I have questioned everything and have had some real pain but that's my cross to bear. DH has said in the past he would forgive me so I haven't told him. There doesn't seem to be any point.

I still think of OM and will probably do so on my death bed. I know I acted like a total cunt and should never have done it but sometimes it takes you by surprise. If I could turn back the clock however, I would.

Confusicus - you describe the 'hit by a bus' feeling like lesser mortals don't know what that feels like, as if it excuses everything because you guys were so speshul and meant-to-be, we can't possibly understand. Has it occurred to you that other people experience that, maybe several times in their life, but don't act on it?

QueenLiz - it's just a shame that for so many of these cheating shitbags the 'trying it out' phase lasts for so many months and years.

It's also a shame that this particular period of indecision involves lying to their spouse and kids on a daily basis, fucking two people 'just to be sure', using family money to advance the affair and being an absolute bastard to their spouse. The spouse, by the way, who is drifting through their own life in a constant state of confusion, walking on eggshells, crying themselves to sleep every night and being told they're mad if they raise the possibility of an affair.

Then, at the end of all that, when they can't really deny it any more and are discovered, they so often suddenly realise that they do want to stay in the marriage after all.

Basically, the 'trying it out' period lasts a fucking unnecessarily long time and is usually ultimately revealed for what it was : a desperate and cruel attempt to have both.

Happy I'm honestly not trying to imply that. I'm sure many people experience it and don't act on it.

I'm acknowledging I did the wrong thing, no excuses. I just didn't expect it to happen to me, ever.

MN has made me think a lot about this. The vitriol for cheating men and ow and the apparent abundance of infidelity on here is concerning. Less and less people are marrying year on year and yet more and more of those who do marry are getting divorced.

...so maybe...and it's just a thought... but maybe our ideas and notions around life-long marriage/relationships and fidelity really need a shake up. I think we have all agreed that you can not be 100% sure that a partner won't cheat, and that EVERYONE (including women) is capable of cheating. Maybe we should place less emphasis on fidelity and exclusive sexual 'rights' within relationships.

QueenLiz - it's just a shame that for so many of these cheating shitbags the 'trying it out' phase lasts for so many months and years.

It's also a shame that this particular period of indecision involves lying to their spouse and kids on a daily basis, fucking two people 'just to be sure', using family money to advance the affair and being an absolute bastard to their spouse. The spouse, by the way, who is drifting through their own life in a constant state of confusion, walking on eggshells, crying themselves to sleep every night and being told they're mad if they raise the possibility of an affair.

Oh yeah. I've been there. We weren't married though. But even so. Our relationship went from sublime happiness and enjoying life together and planning a future to me walking on eggshells around him and when alone crying alot wondering what on earth went wrong in the relationship, when nothing really had, and wondering how to fix it whilst he pleased himself.

These feelings started about 5-6 months before we broke up so god knows how long he'd actually been seeing her.