"My Husband/WifeWould Never Have An Affair"

[headinhands]

Is it just me but, there seems to be so many 'breakup + ow/om' posts at the moment? Been reading them today and getting angrier and angrier on their behalf and feel so much empathy for them (and very impressed with how mature they're being!)

Got me thinking about how sure some married people are that their partner wouldn't/isn't having an affair. Seeing these posts about these affairs that come out of the blue how on earth can anyone say that? Do you say that about your spouse? And if so what makes you feel you can say that with any confidence?

overthehill, I think that's right, but then the phrase about needs not getting met doesn't really work, I think. Entitlement, opportunity, ego boost aren't "needs" at all. They are things we would all like sometimes but don't have a reasonable expectation of getting those every minute of every day over the decades of a long marriage. So I still think the phrase is incredibly destructive, both to the person be cheated on (most people reasonably read it as meaning there must have been something wrong in the relationship, even if you personally didn't mean it that way) and because it gives the person cheating an out: "My wife doesn't think I'm a god anymore!", "I've had sex with same person for 20 years, and, yes, I'm not sure there are any more positions we can try, but someone 20 years younger would be fun!", "My spouse loves me very much, but doesn't look at me with adoring eyes when I've left the toilet seat up!", "Having children around all the time is a grind, and going away overnight 4 times or so a year with my spouse isn't enough!"

The toxic combination (entitledment, boredom, ego boost) is not a need. At best, it is wants. Wants that no decades long marriage can satisfy all the time and can cause a threat when combined with opportunity.

I would have sworn on anyone's life I wasn't the cheating type. I had so much judgement for those who did cheat.

But I was married when my relationship with my current DH started, and so was he.

Fortunately we had no children so the situation was less complicated than it could have been but was still a mess.

Both of us hated ourselves and we got out of our marriages quickly.

These things are not as black and white as I would liked to have thought - I couldn't have anticipated meeting the love of my life that way.

We now have children and have been happily married a long time. But of course we both realise things aren't as simple as knowing the other won't ever cheat.

I think how we started actually helps. Trust is a choice and we choose to trust each other. We talk through issues.

we can never say never, all we can do is invest in our relationship and each other and keep our marriage working as best as we can.

"I would leave my DH if he had an affair". We just don't know that we would

Some people do know though.

Just because it may not have been the case with people you know or yourself. I've said it from before we got married. So if he cheats and I find out, it's over.

I'm not a very tolerant person though and I don't get over things easily, so staying would be torture for the both of us.

He wouldn't be able to meet my debates to even think about reconciliation.

So the best hope for him is me never ever finding out.

I don't consider it arrogant to say one's DH wouldn't cheat. I think it's said out of trust and confidence and with intimate knowledge of the person.

All that said I'd never put my life on it. Those who say he's always with me ...well I I've just dismissed someone for excessive phone usage at work and he was calling and texting his OW ... another colleague during work time.

I bet his wife would love to see the messages.

Not just your partners... I think there are many adults who would be shocked to discover that their parents' longstanding marriages involved infidelity.

Me and DH have a good friend who he has known since school. Friend's father propositioned my MIL when they worked together (when dh & friend were at school). MIL turned him down. It was quite calculated the way he did it so I'd put money on friend's father having more than one affair or ONS over the years.

Afaik friend has no idea. Of course he probably wouldn't tell us if he did so who knows....

Jack

Do you not see that it's a matter of whether you see something as unfaithful or cheating.
To us it isn't the act itself but not telling the other person, or asking permission before.
I know you can never be 100% sure your oh hasn't been unfaithful, but in cases where would the need come from?
I'd say yes and dh would also say yes if we asked each other and we haven't.
So I'm pretty sure he hasn't been with anyone else without my knowledge, and he does likewise.
For us the unfaithfulness or cheating is the lying and deceit not the act iyswim.
It works for us.

Happened to me. He worked abroad for large parts of the year, but I trusted him implicitly, and had absolutely no worries about him straying. He loved both me and our two Dc's so much. He changed in a heartbeat, and so suddenly. He absolutely denied OW involved; just fell out of love with me, didn't want to be with me blah, blah, blah. I think it's a combination of them knowing how awful this is going to appear to family and close friends, and them deluding themselves into wanting to put the blame somewhere else because they can't admit to themselves how badly they have behaved. And of course none of us want to believe we have been married to someone capable of such a betrayal, because that would bring into question our judgement of character and gullibility. I would say no-one can be sure that their partners wouldn't stray; even the most devoted husband and father are capable of it. I just wish I had come on MN at the time, as he followed the 'script' to the letter, but I didn't know at the time.

I thought my ex would never cheat.
His ex wife had destroyed him by cheating. He said the only thing that would split us was infidelity.
One day he ghosted us - the whole family. He'd not only been having affairs, but also hiring escorts.
I was completely blindsided.

Of course, he blamed me for the marriage ending. I'd been ill, and he'd not felt 'man enough'.
I did some checking, and it all came tumbling out.

Massive Grade A Cunt. Unbelievable.
I would have put my life on him being loyal, and would never have considered cheating on him.

Yes and we should all make sure we are managing our lives in such a way that we could stand on our two feet should we sadly get proven wrong.*

Absolutely. My mum taught me that. Always trust unless given reason not to but always have the ability todo things alone should you need to. I have a friend who was widowed in her 20's. It's good sense to know you could manage if you had to.

My mum taught me stuff like how to wire a plug, change a tire, paint and wallpaper a house, change a fuse, assemble furniture etc. It's good sense to know things like this and to have some savings in your sole name if possible.

How are all men the same as the ones who we said wouldn't do it? Sure everyone has the ability to cheat, I've had many of opportunities and I've been drunk on many occasions and I never have and never would cheat, how do people not think men could be of the mindset where they just wouldn't cheat? Doesn't necessarily mean it's the people you would expect but surely some people have the ability and moral compass to stay faithful to their partner?

I trusted my husband 100% never thought he would, but his dalliances and his breakdown at the time it came to light has destroyed our family and I am still dealing with the fallout from it...our dd was/still is suffering.

Has anybody looked back over their marriage and seen that the person who cheated was shallow, egotistical and dishonest in other ways?

I can remember my mum saying she wasn't surprised a family associate cheated on his wife because she knew he was dishonest and could tell he was a cheat irrespective of his wife i.e cheated and was dishonest in other areas of his life.
Obviously it comes out of the blue for many but just wondered if others weren't so surprised on reflection.

gillybeanz my ex wasn't shallow or dishonest but he was egotistical. I've observed a lot of cheats, both male and female, over the years and the common traits I have noticed in them is vanity and selfishness

My exh had a low sex drive too and I don't see that as a reassuring feature tbh - in hindsight he obviously wanted to have sex, just not with me. He was also not someone who had had much attention from women in the past, so was unduly flattered by attentions of OW, which makes me think that a less good looking man could in fact be more likely to cheat.

Not me Gilly. Although I guess if someone is on the outside looking in, they might be able to see personality traits that you can't see yourself. I do know that some close friends commented after we split that when we were together he came across as arrogant and sometimes controlling, but I have to admit I never saw that.

I was this naive once.

Not any more. I'm a broken woman. DH is having a mainly online affair. It's broken me completely.

Takes nothing physical to end a relationship. I am now a fine example.

I am broken by this.

It's all about trust isn't it. Of course I cannot say with 100% cast iron certainly that my partner would not have an affair, but I'd say it is very very unlikely based on my knowledge of him. It's not impossible though and I'd be shocked beyond measure if I found out he did.

He doesn't have an enormous sex drive, doesn't wank for example, but it's not all about sex drive is it, it's about morals too.

gilly I think there are some personality traits you can view in different ways, and after someone does one shit thing you might indeed look back and see other things in a different light. Things you dismissed as him just being forgetful now look more like him being selfish, that sort of idea. I think I was idealising my marriage and trying to see him in the best light. Now I'm not doing that any more the marriage doesn't look as ideal as it did back then!

Really silly example - he used to buy sweets for himself and hide them so the rest of the family wouldn't find them. I felt a bit guilty that we were such greedy hogs he had to hide his sweets. Now that's an example of how he saw himself as separate from the rest of the family, silently criticised us as being greedy, and was himself a selfish pig!

My DH isn't cheating on me. He works away sometimes, I don't know his phone code, he's very stressed, we have a 6mo, but I know he isn't cheating.

I believe in people's capacity to change, so I don't think I can say that in the next 20 years nothing will have happened to make him cheat. But here and now and for the foreseeable future I have faith that he won't.

My fil cheated and was an awful abusive man to his first wife (dh mum)
Then he married someone else and cheated and the last one he married, between them never told her parents their daughter was his third wife, so the whole marriage has been built on lies.

A stupid example but dh knocked a car round the corner from us, he went straight to the car owners home and told him, there was no damage but a slight scratch, not deep at all. Dh paid for a stick which covered the scratch.
Fil said he was stupid and shouldn't have said anything.

I was another who didn't believe ex would cheat. He also believed he wasn't the type to cheat, and so blamed me for not meeting his "needs". That was the story he attempted to peddle around family and friends - funnily enough its only his immediate family who seem to be taken in.

I refused to ever take the blame. I may have been distracted by my toddler girl but that was me being a good mum to his daughter and was not me giving him my permission to rock our world.

It took me a while to get my head around what had happened and rediscover my strength to get rid once and for all. I had given up my job to be a sahm, and managed to lose my identity along the way. It took a while to pull myself back together again, and I still kick myself for giving up my job and trusting him to always look after my interests.

I now always encourage younger women not to stop working, to find a way to stay in touch with their careers.

I've come a long way since the days of obsessing about what it is that enabled him to take the route he did, scouring mumsnet, chump lady and the like, and I now don't really care - I have a much more peaceful existence without him, and I'm no longer constantly striving to meet his standards of perfection - I am a much more fun and relaxed mum and friend, my house is less stylish (although tidier), I don't always cook from scratch, and I wear clothes that are comfortable rather than striving to be the height of sophistication. Its all about dd and me now.

Funnily enough I can understand the thrill of the chase and the search for excitement. What I can't forgive is the way that he sacrificed our relationship and his long term relationship with out daughter for his own personal desires.

He now bleats on about how much he misses dd, and how he just wants to be the perfect father, and how he is just the victim here.

Sorry - this had turned into a ramble, but my ex was the last person anyone would think would cheat, even himself, and yet he did. It is also entirely possible to discover, survive and grow as a result. If people can take some hope and it gets them through the dark days I'll be glad.

Maybe I will hire one of the more talented mind-readers on the thread to come and tell me if my new bf is seeing other women. Doesn't appear to be, but I just haven't got the knack for this one hundred percent certainty thing.

Though I have to say things feel a lot easier when there are no joint children or property and you're not reliant on one another. And having found one nice new bf I feel like I could find another, despite being past the dreaded age of 45 when according to many other threads you shrivel up and can never find a decent man again.

After reading through all of this, there is way more cheating going on than I thought. I would hope never to find out and would not go looking.

I would NEVER have expected my ex to cheat. But he did. Broke my heart x

I trusted my ex (we'd been together 13yrs) but when I found out he was cheating it took me all of two weeks to ditch the fucker.

Best thing ever - I've never been happier.

So happy in fact, that I am resistant to current lovely boyfriend's suggestions of moving in, marriage etc.

I trust my DH as far as anyone can. He's a good man who was raised in a family where they take their vows very, very seriously

I worked in a bar for a bit post graduation, where people tend to be away from family, partying etc, and I swear to goodness, I will never again be surprised at hearing of cheating

Stag nights - not all of them will cheat, but many, many will, one in each group for sure and often the one you'd least expect

"Lad's" holidays ditto

"Going away to watch the match" ditto

Obviously if DH chooses to go zorbing with FIL and his brothers he's probably not shagging away, but all these going away lad's weekends plus alcohol are recipes for cheating

I actually think the worst ones are the "Going away to watch the match" men who were often older and married for some years. A group in particular would go away once or twice a year, rent an apartment for the weekend,and hire escorts to attend them for the night.

I knew most of their wives and they did not have a baldy fucking notion. Lots of them high school sweethearts, very steady family men with good jobs and a seat in church every Sunday

There were also even more men who weren't cheating but only because they chose to leer over beautiful 20 year old girls who told them to gtf