"My Husband/WifeWould Never Have An Affair"

[headinhands]

Is it just me but, there seems to be so many 'breakup + ow/om' posts at the moment? Been reading them today and getting angrier and angrier on their behalf and feel so much empathy for them (and very impressed with how mature they're being!)

Got me thinking about how sure some married people are that their partner wouldn't/isn't having an affair. Seeing these posts about these affairs that come out of the blue how on earth can anyone say that? Do you say that about your spouse? And if so what makes you feel you can say that with any confidence?

My DH always showed complete contempt for his Brother who cheated on his SIL constantly and always said he would never do that to me.... He did .. We were going through a very stressful period I found out by accident ... He fell apart as he struggled to see what he had done to me and DC... 5 years later would he do it again ... Honestly I feel confident that he wouldn't because he has worked hard on himself his issues and our family and being faced with losing that helped strengthen our marriage

Also IMO men who are awkward around women are some of the most likely to fall hard if a woman does take an interest in them. They lack the experience to see the proposition for what it is and are liable to fall in love and destroy their family.

I would say my DP wouldn't cheat as he has a low sex drive and sex is just low down in his priorities. However I agree with someone earlier that I could imagine him reconnecting with his ex if they hadn't split so acrimoniously (she stole a chunk of money from him). I feel safer with him affair wise than I would someone who had a high sex drive.

Have to agree with Happy and Dimots about opportunity... DH would never go looking as in going online .. It was sadly a case of the proverbial offered on a plate by a extended family member who wanted a clone of her sister's husband , her BIL so she targeted her BIL brother which is my DH. She was and has always been an evil manipulative bitch which had always been my opinion of her!!

Do you think it's right to let the unsuspecting wife know if you know their husband is having an affair?

I'm afraid, Sleep, that most of the time it's not about sex.

No, it's not about sex (mostly) it's about massaging the ego.

Hell, I can't even say it about myself, let alone DH. As far as I know, he never has, and doesn't really have the opportunity. I've had more chances to stray than he has, but when it came down to it I couldn't take them seriously as a risk to my relationship with DH.

Early in her marriage a friend was devastated to discover her DH having what she termed a non-sexual emotional affair with another woman. I've issued DH with the standard threats about what might happen if his cock leads him astray, but in reality I think an emotional relationship with an OW would be far more upsetting.

My DH had a one night stand type senario early in our marriage ( we were together 4yrs before getting wed) I can honesty say that I never ever thought he would cheat on me until that point. The shock was overwhelming. I would have been less surprised if the flying squad turned up, or I had one the lottery. Honestly didn't see that ever happening.

My STBXH told me, while cheating on me, that I was stronger than a friend who'd been cheated on so he couldn't cheat on me. I told him that I didn't like the implication that it was my friend's fault, but he wasn't bothered as it was all really part of his 'smoke and mirrors' game.

Oh absolutely. I've known people over the years who, when it came out they were cheating, I wasn't at all surprised about -- they very much fit the stereotype. But there have been others who I would never have suspected; sometimes you simply don't see it coming. Like U2 said early in the thread I would be absolutely astounded if my DP cheated on me and he's never given me any reason to suspect up to now and isn't the "type" and blah blah blah... but I don't think I can say with 100% certainty anymore that anyone wouldn't cheat.

(Well, maybe except myself! I have had "opportunity" but firmly turned them all away as it just doesn't interest me.)

Blossom I know I would want to know if my DP was cheating on me but in the past I have tried to tell friends (when I knew beyond a doubt it was true) and they didn't believe me and even fell out with me in some cases. It all came out in the end, sometimes months later, but it can be a difficult situation.

Honestly, I would never say my Dh wouldn't cheat on me, because I just don't know.
At the moment, he is patient, attentive, family orientated and loves sex with me- he hasn't suddenly started shaving his pubes (a sign that happened to a friend whose dh started an affair), hasn't suddenly joined a gym, started wearing uber-young/trendy clothes or got a sports car, got a 'close friend' at work or gone out stinking of aftershave, started working late, or being out late a lot.. So far, no signs of MLC.

But - I realise it could happen to him or me, we are all human, and fallible. I'm immensely aware of the classic signs of an affair. If he had one, I think I'd suspect pretty soon. If I had one - well I dread to think - I would have to be seriously in love and I can't imagine that with anyone but DH right now.

I've never felt that sexual exclusivity was necessarily a given. I've had open relationships in the past. I'm not a very jealous person. So when I got together with my partner we talked about that kind of thing. He said he would be very hurt if I were to cheat on him. I didn't want to hurt him, so I was careful to avoid any situations that might lead to temptation. I didn't cheat - not even once; not in any way. Of course, I trusted him completely, since he'd been very clear about how hurtful cheating would be. We'd agreed to be completely sexually exclusive - just the two of us; no one else. He gave the impression that it was easy for him to be faithful. Ha ha. I only found out by accident, because I'm not at all suspicious. It was easy for him to lie to me, but I'm still quite amazed at how easy it was for him to lie to himself.

There's a big difference in being tempted and then proceeding to act on it.

I know I wouldn't ever cheat. I tend to always think worse case scenario if I think of doing anything I shouldn't do. Which would be such disgrace and the inability to feel able to tell my DCs anything in the way of morality because I'd be a terrible hypocrite.

The loss of respect and shame I'd bring on my entire family is more than enough to never let me go there.

My DH knows that cheating from him would be divorce and no hint of reconciliation from me.

He also knows I'm most likely to tell his family and mine and he couldn't deal with that, because my family wouldn't welcome him anymore and he'd loose friendships with 3 BILS in the process.

Divorce isn't something he'd welcome. He also knows the DCs would be very much against him and he'd loose an awful lot in the process.

Infidelity would come at a very high price for either of us.

Infidelity always comes at a very high price.

All humans are capable of changing, capable of getting bored, and capable of becoming smitten with a new person. I don't believe any relationship is 'cheatproof'. But what can you do? You just accept that the risk is there to whatever extent, and hope they won't hurt you.

I've got friends who would say this and truly believe it, one of their husbands out and out propositioned me shortly after my ex and I broke up and the other sends many more texts and messages than necessary often with "cheeky" innuendo. I'd never tell my friends though, they would stick with their husbands and I would lose friends, so that's that.

I don't believe my OH would cheat, at all. He's a straightforward man, and honest. But - that doesn't mean he would never cheat, who knows? - I always say don't put your hand in fire for a man (ie don't swear for his virtue)

I also don't think human beings are akin to swans ie unshakeably faithful for life. Some - but I don't believe they're the majority. Temptation, thrill, dare, is too much a part of human nature and that kind of thing is increased one thousandfold in these days of instant gratification, ie the world being "closer", ability to talk to and metaphorically "meet" so many people without even going out of your front door. Its easy. Online dating sites must be like a chocolate box/conveyor belt for people inclined to cheat

My neighbour's DH has been having an emotional affair for months now, she's just found out. He's adamant he's fallen out of love with his wife and is in love with this new woman. He met her via Facebook apparently and they've been out a couple of times - daytime when he was meant to be at work. He is in London, OW is in Coventry area I believe. They still managed to meet each other. Beauty of technology...

MN is the first time I have ever heard of the 'emotional affair' does anyone really believe this, beyond the first few weeks of initial lying?

Does anyone fully trust themselves? Don't think I do totally, much as I hate to admit that.

I am as sure as I can be that my DH wouldn't cheat. But I suppose you can never be 100%.

He has told me though that he will 100% cheat if he ever gets the opportunity with Louise Rednap 😂 I think I can live with that 'threat'.

I think everyone has the capacity to cheat on someone else.

Yep, I'm another one to naively think it would never happen. I still think it wouldn't have if it hadn't been this one person from his past who sought him out. Someone he had a close bond with when he was younger and who he liked back then. For whatever reason it never happened for them then but it has now.

My ex knew that if he had an affair that would be it - his uncle took back his cheating wife and we talked about it.
I've since wondered if that's why he denied it so strongly when I started getting suspicious. Maybe if I hadn't underlined the fact that there would be no second chances he might have admitted it eventually. He has still never actually spoken about what he did.

I didn't think he was the type as he gives the impression of being a Good Guy. That's his thing. Charming, yes, but wouldn't hurt a fly and tells everyone so. Sensitive, kind, morally upstanding, doesn't get drunk, a good son, good member of the community, loves playing with babies.

I can't imagine cheating myself, but that is partly as my ex said (not to me) that he thinks it could happen to anyone - as if it is something he was just helpless to avoid. I think he deliberately chose to cheat. I would rather cut off my own toes than cheat now and effectively prove him right! Not that I wanted to cheat before.