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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"My Husband/WifeWould Never Have An Affair"

252 replies

headinhands · 22/08/2016 22:58

Is it just me but, there seems to be so many 'breakup + ow/om' posts at the moment? Been reading them today and getting angrier and angrier on their behalf and feel so much empathy for them (and very impressed with how mature they're being!)

Got me thinking about how sure some married people are that their partner wouldn't/isn't having an affair. Seeing these posts about these affairs that come out of the blue how on earth can anyone say that? Do you say that about your spouse? And if so what makes you feel you can say that with any confidence?

OP posts:
sianihedgehog · 23/08/2016 13:35

All the women here saying their husbands wouldn't cheat because they aren't that interested in sex. :( I know LOADS of men like that who cheat because they get caught up in all the excitement of a new flirtation. The fact that they aren't feeling sexual about their wives makes them MORE likely to have an affair, not less.

MindSweeper · 23/08/2016 13:41

My ex cheated on me numerous times. Even when we first got together I would never have said he would never cheat, because I believe all people are capable of cheating.

DP is different. I just don't think he ever would. He hasn't got it in him. Naive? Probably.

Original poster
headinhands · 23/08/2016 13:48

See, saying 'he hasn't got it in him' can almost sound like an insult, not sure why. I guess it makes them sound like an obedient puppy?

While I would be surprised if DH cheated I couldn't say 'he doesn't have it in him' because while he is very attentive, loving and considerate he's still a red bloodied male who happens to be very funny. I fell for him and don't think I'm some freak with an exceptionally odd taste in men so there will be others who would think he's ace.

OP posts:
Original poster
headinhands · 23/08/2016 13:53

And it's interesting how many of the cheaters you hear about on here who were vociferous in their disgust of cheating prior to their own fall from grace.

OP posts:
MindSweeper · 23/08/2016 13:57

I wonder why that phrase has such negative connotations to you.

he's someone who 'hasnt got it in him' to commit such a horrible act, I think you're suggesting that phrase means he lacks masculinity and I find that odd.

not 'having it in him' doesn't mean my DP isn't attentive, loving or 'red blooded' like you've used as reasons for not being able to say your DH 'hasn't got it in him'. Those aren't mutually exclusive. It could mean he lacks the cruelty and cunning, or the presence of mind.

ravenmum · 23/08/2016 13:57

I know it is not what people mean, but in so many of these comments there's an underlying idea, despite every feminist intention no doubt, that if wifey is not giving her man enough sex it is not surprising if he cheats. Or that a man who has absolutely no urge to cheat is a bit of a loser, not a real man.

Is it really naive to think that you can have a masculine, sexy man who nonetheless manages to break up with his first partner before getting another?

Amythest001 · 23/08/2016 14:01

My H's morals with regards to cheating seemed so solid.
Nobody in rl knows what he did either and I think everyone around us would be shocked to the core of they knew because he 'was' such a considerate, attentive and loyal husband!Sad

Original poster
headinhands · 23/08/2016 14:04

he lacks the cruelty and cunning, or the presence of mind.

I'm happy for people to not think of me as cruel, but not so chuffed with the idea of people thinking I lack 'presence of mind' Grin

OP posts:
MindSweeper · 23/08/2016 14:09

I didn't say he lacked presence of mind. I said he lacked 'the presence of mind' ie the one needed to cheat. You're trying hard to find a negative in what I'm saying about him.

All just subjective anyway. People have shocked me and will continue to do so.

Proudmummytodc2 · 23/08/2016 14:19

I 100% know my DP wouldn't cheat on me he has his dad's morals and his dad fell out with his own sister for 8 years for having an affair behind he eh islands back even though she married that man and we're together he says she should have ended her marriage first before starting a new relationship,

My DP says it's hard enough ending a relationship without adding extra hurt just leave the relationship if you need to cheat your obviously are not happy so leave.

And I believe him and I know 100% I would never cheat on my DP

SandyY2K · 23/08/2016 14:21

I think 'he doesn't have it in him or he doesn't have the mind set' is a valid comment and not derogatory.

There's a lot required to cheat especially long term. It's really leading a double life and not everyone is that devious.

Many mention the opportunity, but the opportunity has been there for many and they didn't take the bait.

Believe it or not integrity is still very important to some people and they take their vows seriously.

SandyY2K · 23/08/2016 14:30

Some men are good husbands, but would not make good affair partners.

They are not men that any woman apart from their wives would get any benefit from.

I believe that my husband falls into this category.

YorkieDorkie · 23/08/2016 14:34

I would say I'm of those women who'd say their DH wouldn't cheat. I'm not naive. I know that it's possible but I'd still say that it would never happen. He's very high maintenance, so I doubt anyone would have him anyway Wink. I've made jokes about him finding another woman because of my post-baby belly and he got so upset I thought he was going to cry.

OlennasWimple · 23/08/2016 14:42

Big difference in having a one night stand (as pp said upthread, there are all sorts of circumstaces which can come together in a perfect storm and significantly increase the likelihood of anyone cheating) vs an affair (which requires long term deception and opportunities), surely?

Purplebluebird · 23/08/2016 14:46

I would be surprised if my other half had an affair, because his sex drive is lower than mine (so that's not a huge "incentive") but also because we keep the friendship alive so we don't disconnect too much, despite having a toddler and bills to pay and work to do etc. That's not the same as knowing he would never, but I feel it's "unlikely". I trust him, but am aware sometimes feelings can happen that you don't intend.

JeepersMcoy · 23/08/2016 14:51

I've told my dh that if he met someone else he liked I would be happy to talk about opening up our relationship. I am pretty open to polyamory so it would be a bit pointless for him to go and have an actual illicit affair.

We have been together almost 10 years and he has never taken me up on the offer.

CafeCremeMerci · 23/08/2016 14:57

It amazes me that even after so many posters have said (on this thread & others) that 'my DH wasn't the type, he's a 'good guy', good morals, outraged at others who had affairs DC *and yet cheated etc etc. That people still think they are different, that their DH's are different. They're not. They're exactly the same as the men we didn't think would do it.

smilingeyes11 · 23/08/2016 15:12

You can have a great relationship, friendship and sex life and that does not mean he won't have an affair. Blaming the person he left for not being interesting or making enough effort or whatever is a type of victim blaming no?

Some men are unfaithful because they are the unfaithful type - it is not the fault of their wife. It is them who are flawed, not the relationship they left.

My ex was devoted, shy and disgusted at others who had been unfaithful and deserted their families. He was unfaithful because he wanted to be and thought he deserved it. Or is it mine and the DC's fault that he behaved in such an awful way?

MindSweeper · 23/08/2016 15:15

They're exactly the same as the men we didn't think would do it

I get this 100% but I've had a few serious relationships and it's only DP I have ever said with almost certainty that he wouldn't cheat.

I realise how ridiculous and naive this sounds because everyone thinks this and is shocked when their DP cheats Grin

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/08/2016 15:21

I trust my DH and hope he wouldn't have an affair but he very easily could if he wanted as he works away a lot.

However, as my mother always said if someone wants to they will no matter how busy they are. Very easy to sneak away for the odd hour here and there.

HappyJanuary · 23/08/2016 15:22

I don't think you can really talk about a cheating 'type'.

Most people are surprised by their own emotions, decisions and actions at the start of an affair.

Looking only at posts on mn it is clear that for many people embarking on an affair, it is not something they ever expected to do.

My stbxh abhorred cheating. He cut off a friend who cheated on his wife and always said he'd tell me if he was unhappy. He was not 'the type'.

ravenmum · 23/08/2016 15:24

I am pretty open to polyamory so it would be a bit pointless for him to go and have an actual illicit affair.
Part of the fun for my ex was that it was illicit. He enjoyed having secrets from me - for him, it would have been pointless if I had known about it.

HappyJanuary · 23/08/2016 15:44

There's a lot of misunderstanding about what drives an affair I think.

It's not sex, and it's not always a disappointing marriage.

It's an ego boost, attention, flattery, being put first, feeling special. It's having something secret because you deserve it. It's an illicit little bubble that takes you out of everyday life, and it won't hurt anyone because you'll stop it before anyone finds out. It's never being told you've had too much to drink and have you put the bins out.

ravenmum · 23/08/2016 15:54

So let's have a look at the reasons people have listed so far for thinking their partners won't/wouldn't have an affair.

  • I know him too well
  • He doesn't have the opportunity
  • He doesn't need much sex
  • He is a good person
  • He's a bit gormless
  • He's difficult to live with, who else would have him?
  • He's really honest
  • We have lots of sex
  • He's shy
  • He's a miser
  • He knows I would chuck him out
  • He was cheated on himself
  • I know a cheater when I see one

We've had examples of people having affairs despite all the above.
I just can't see how anyone could be so certain their partner would never have an affair.

Don't we just have to forget our fears and try to enjoy the relationship, and be good partners ourselves, despite the risk? I think that is all we can do. And we should be proud if we can do that, rather than feeling like mugs if we get cheated on. If it was obvious who might have an affair, and we just let them, of course we'd be mugs to do so. But it's not obvious, and we are not mugs just because we leave our fears aside and decide to trust our partners anyway.

YorkieDorkie · 23/08/2016 16:18

We have to trust our partners or what's the point in marrying them? Or being with them at all?

Some couples have faithful relationships from start to finish. This is not a rare thing we're talking about. It happens.

The OP mentioned the large amount of threads regarding cheating so of course it's going to look like it's happening to everyone. But it's not. If you polled everyone on their current relationship, I'd bet a pound to a penny the majority have not been cheated on.

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