"My Husband/WifeWould Never Have An Affair"

[headinhands]

Is it just me but, there seems to be so many 'breakup + ow/om' posts at the moment? Been reading them today and getting angrier and angrier on their behalf and feel so much empathy for them (and very impressed with how mature they're being!)

Got me thinking about how sure some married people are that their partner wouldn't/isn't having an affair. Seeing these posts about these affairs that come out of the blue how on earth can anyone say that? Do you say that about your spouse? And if so what makes you feel you can say that with any confidence?

Having just found out my husband kissed someone else when drunk years ago before we were married or had kids. I think anyone is capable of cheating. I can't even look at him in the same way anymore, we have young children together ones of which is a baby, I've already been cheated on by DS1 DF was a single mom before. I was extremely gullible to think he never would, I used to same the say oh DH would never cheat.You just never know a person fully.

I agree that a lot of people don't go looking to cheat, but circumstances align and they choose to go with it and then they do.

I suppose they are opportunistic cheats.

Mine isn't the type to go out looking to cheat. But I'm not so naive that I think he'd never, ever cheat if the circumstances changed. I'm 99% sure, but I wouldn't bet my life on it.

I was with my ex 9 years, married 1 year(!) before some work colleague showing him attention and he just couldn't help himself.
Before then I absolutely would have said he would never ever cheat on me. It shocked me when I found out. My best friend was upset because she thought the same and she said if he could do it then it give her no hope! Several friends said we seemed the perfect couple and were equally shocked.
I'm not so naive anymore and I would never believe someone wouldn't cheat on me ever again.

That been said i regularly went out when I was younger and was reasonably ok looking(before my dc and no bags under my eyes), I had lads chasing after me, but in the 6 years of being with DH I never strayed once not even a kiss despite plenty of opportunities to do so.

I definitely thought my H wasn't the type. I have recently found out that he is very much the type after 16 years. Definitely an emotional if not physical with a much younger girl at work. He doesn't actually know that I know yet, timing is not great as youngest starts school in a few weeks. Having said all of that, I don't believe that everyone else is a cheat because of this. I realise it is a personal choice and I won't tar everyone with the same brush because of it (although will probably always be that bit more paranoid about it) and hope that it doesn't spoil any relationship I may have in the future.

I didn't even think my exh was that interested in women tbh.
It was a huge shock.

I'm remarried now and after ten years he does still seem besotted with me and committed to our family.
However. My bubble was burst by my ex so I do know it's perfectly possible he could cheat (as could I) it's not all bad though, i take nothing for granted, make time for us as a couple, keep our life together fun and interesting but would also be absolutely fine (eventually) if he did which I believe puts me in a really strong position.

12 hours.
What do you want love? Not him.

I can't believe no one has said that they don't believe their DH would cheat simply because he is a good and moral man.

This is sort of what I think. He has a clear sense of right and wrong, and he adheres to it 100% even when it's inconvenient.

He does have plenty of opportunity and female friends.

If he did, then it would be very hard to get past, as that's just not the man I think he is.

Ledkr - absolutely not him! I am just biding my time for a couple more weeks and then telling him I want a divorce! Even if I could forgive (which I can't, this wasn't a one night stand, it has been a deliberate attempt to get into this girls knickers over several months) I couldn't forget and I do think I deserve more than to be degraded like that. As you said about yourself, you know you would be OK even if your current H did it and I think that's the very best way to look at it. I won't die because of it, things will just be rubbish for a while, but I know it won't be forever.

I don't trust anyone anymore after being cheated on with a supposed friend of mine 😞 it shocked me to the core so much that I no longer trust my own thought processes or judgment as I didn't see it happening.

I trust dh. I wouldn't have married him and had kids if I didn't.

However I don't believe for a minute people who you trust can't break that trust.

He has never given me a reason to mistrust him and over years that trust becomes very deeply entrenched as part of your relationship. But people let people down all the time.

I would be shocked if dh cheated. But I can never say never. I could have been right to trust him for the last 16 years. However who can say what will happen in the next 16 years?

Bless you 12. That's the spirit.

I also think people who say "I'd never put up with that" have no idea of the emotions you feel.
I am a formidable and strong woman and yet when faced with losing my partner of 18 yrs,leaving me to start a new life with 4 little ones and a disfigured body from breast cancer, I have to admit a few days of doing the pick me dance .
I eventually came to my senses and realised I couldn't live with him anymore, watching my appearance all the time and trying to stop him cheating again, fuck that.

I have to say though, my life only got better after I'd got rid, much much better

I also think people who say "I'd never put up with that" have no idea of the emotions you feel.

That's so true. I am pretty sure if dh cheated it would be over. But it's easy to say that when it's not happened yet.

I said that about my ExH of 15 years.
Never say never.
Like Ledkr my life is also much improved now I'm well rid.

I felt guilty after for all the times I'd said that to cheated on friends
"Just kick him out" yes, cos it's that easy isn't it
So there you go, I'm a better more empathic friend.
Every cloud

I know my DP wouldn't cheat, guaranteed.

I've never really thought about the likelihood of my friends DP's cheating, either.

I think the main reason I know DP wouldn't cheat is how intertwined our lives are. We share bank accounts, he has access to my Facebook and I have access to his, we often switch phones around depending on whose is closer and what we need to do.
It would be very very difficult for him to cheat successfully and have me not find out about it.

That & he's got little interest in sex anyway. Can barely muster up the energy to do it with me let alone anyone else

Although yes I agree with never being able to be 100% certain.
He could have a woman in our house right now and I'd never know!

Yes I was very much part of the 'if he did that to me I would get rid straight away'. I will be getting rid, but just not straight away, and only because I know how affected I would be in the longer term (don't want to spend my life checking mobile phones and not trusting someone). I would say in general, trust someone until they give you a reason not to. If they do, it's not your fault. Thankfully I am much calmer than I was before I had kids and was younger, if I had found out then, he would already be 6 foot under! Actually, I have no idea how I have managed to keep my gob shut about what I already know and he has no idea!

I realise my last 2 posts totally contradict each other. It's too early!!

I can't guarantee DP wouldn't cheat, but I do know that it would be very very hard for him to cheat and keep it hidden.

That's better

12. Make sure you don't end up stuck again tho. I agree with biding your time but not for long. I felt sick at the thought of facing my future feeling anxious and trying to be pretty and slim and good at sex all the time. That was what gave me the push to end things. I was leaving a heavy weekend shift in a young offenders place and was shattered and looking forward to going home. It was the point when I stopped to reapply makeup before I left because exh was there with the kids! I shocked myself and drove straight home and ended things. I chucked my wedding ring in the air and as far as I know it's stil on top of the cupboard

I think marriages in general would be happier if everyone accepted that anyone could/will cheat given the right circumstances.

I didn't think DH would ever cheat. He was a "good guy" and I have to admit I took him for granted when things were tough. As it was he found someone to massage his ego at a time when I was caught up with my own issues. One of the hardest things to come back from was that how I felt my marriage was based on lies and he wasn't the "good guy" I'd always thought he was.

Nearly 3 years later we've worked through things... it turns out he is the good guy I fell in love with but circumstances ( and a choice he actively made at that time) led him to act as an absolute shit at that time in our marriage. Hopefully it will turn out to be a blip in a lifetime of a good marriage.

If everyone thought that actually he/she could cheat ( and given the right circumstances I think mostcould), that its not a major character fault but a human one, then we would put effort into our realtionships and ultimately be happier for it.

Ledkr - just another couple of weeks, let the youngest start school and then I will tell him. He is also such a pig that I know he will try to make it my fault and historically has given me silent treatment for weeks at a time over minor things, so I just don't want that atmosphere in the home the week that youngest starts school. Older one is also very sensitive and have had a few problems in the past actually getting him in the school gate, it is just for these reasons that I haven't said anything, plus I wanted to get enough evidence for myself so that I won't be talked around by him. Have seen a solicitor, etc so am good to go!

Reading the Relationships board on MN for the past few years has certainly made me more aware of the possibility that DH could cheat. We've been together 19 years and I think that, in a way, it's good for our relationship for me to have that awareness. Maybe it stops me feeling complacent and taking him for granted.

Good luck 12hours

Thanks OneArt. It's a lot of bravado on my part, am secretly terrified, but I have to do this for my children. I have almost gone through a lot of the grief already as I have known for a few months, but I am glad about that as I now have a clear head and am focuses on what is coming, so hopefully that will make things easier once I have let him know.