"My Husband/WifeWould Never Have An Affair"

[headinhands]

Is it just me but, there seems to be so many 'breakup + ow/om' posts at the moment? Been reading them today and getting angrier and angrier on their behalf and feel so much empathy for them (and very impressed with how mature they're being!)

Got me thinking about how sure some married people are that their partner wouldn't/isn't having an affair. Seeing these posts about these affairs that come out of the blue how on earth can anyone say that? Do you say that about your spouse? And if so what makes you feel you can say that with any confidence?

I would have said that about mine.

This time last year I think I would have said no way would DH do that but having found out a lie he told me just before we got married 12 years ago last year I feel differently now. I now know I would walk away if he did cheat (it wasn't cheating before but a huge breach of trust and subsequent lying for the next 12 years) and I know he is capable of lying to me without me suspecting a thing.
It is very making but we are better at communicating now although I do still have wobbly moments about it all.

I'm another one who would never have believed my H could do this to me.
He was cheated on by his ex and the anger he showed when he found out his bil cheated on his sister made me believe even more I had found myself an honest and loyal man!
But he is no different to them.
More fool me!!

Similar position to Ledkr for me.

I forgave my STBXH for registering on Online hookup sites. 8 times. I forgave him because I believed what he said (only looking at pictures, didn't contact anyone). I forgave him when I found a letter he'd written to one of the contacts. Because he told me he had drafted it and not sent it.

Whether he had cheated or not, (and he still won't admit it, because then I'd be right iyswim) he definitely cast out a line into the water.

The whole time of forgiveness was sadly not one of forgetfulness. I found myself trapped in a life of doing things to make him stay. Looks, sex, not going out, being the cool wife.

It's not a life you can live sanely in for very long. Especially not a positive one in which to nurture your DC.

When he left I felt like a huge physical weight was lifted. I only had to trust myself. There's no feeling like it.

I look back now and barely recognise myself, the strong woman I was in my 20's that wouldn't take any shit. Reduced to an absolute mess.

I have a DP now and yes of course he could cheat. And so could I. Would I forgive again? I don't think I could live with that. And now I know that I can survive, it makes me feel stronger about facing that situation should it arise.

Actually this is really interesting as you are totally correct re. it being more than sex so him having a low sex drive wouldn't matter. I had forgotten that one of the reasons he left his past relationship was lack of affection. His ex wasn't particularly bothered about him and went out and did her own thing with her daughter, was busy with her career post PHD. The relationship had run its course and they split up. We met a year later.

So the emotional side is obviously key and perhaps as Mothers we channel a lot of our emotions into our kids at the expense of our partners/husbands? I know our relationship pre children was totally different and whilst we are still connected emotionally I spend much less time being with him as my time is now predominantly spent looking after two very young children.

I'm his only girlfriend. Not that fussed about sex. Shy with women etc etc etc extra fucking etc but he still went along with it when someone threw herself at him

Sleepfree - to add to that, it's amazing to read on here, and experience with some men, the total inability to deal with the fact that the attention has shifted from them to the child. I've read heartbreaking threads in the years I've been on here about pregnant women, happily married for years before, whose DH's change their minds about pregnancy....

My STBXH looking back, during my pregnancy started to feel this way, and vocalised it. Started throwing his toys out of the pram about it like a bigger kid than my DS ever was.

Always put his own interests and hobbies first. So when the going got tough of course he'd put his own emotional and sexual needs first too.

We were going through hell but oh shit, I can't relive it

I agree that when you have children that much of your emotional energy is given to them and less so to our partner/husband. However, to men who use that as an excuse for cheating, I say MAN UP mate! They are their kids too and they need to understand that the children need that energy at that time as they are dependant on their parents. Unfortunately, once we have children, some of us realise that we have an extra one.....

I'll put myself out there. I absolutely 100% believe that my husband wouldn't cheat. He's utterly guileless, tells me absolutely everything, even if he spoke to a woman in passing. He's an innocent soul but with a huge moral compass. I genuinely don't believe he has it in him.

I think when you throw in things like alcohol, a work trip away, the marriage going through a rough patch, a lot of people will cheat, yes. I don't think as many people will have a full blown affair , but I believe a lot of people are able to separate their dh or DW from a guilt free, overnight weekend fling with someone they will never see again. It took me years to realise how common this is; a friend works in a hotel and tells me that work Christmas parties in particular are notorious, nothing shocks her anymore.

DH once told me that a colleague of his and his wife got a new, attractive Eastern European aupair and most of the comments among 'the lads' (all married professionals) were how lucky he was for a chance to, well, you can use your imagination there, but they weren't joking

I don't think my DH would have an affair, but I'm not naive enough to think that he wouldn't cheat on me.

frenchknitting actually I did say that a few posts before you, about my lovely morally upstanding husband....

This thread is an eye opener and I think the support on the relationships board is fantastic.

I wouldn't cheat on my dp, I despise it as my 'd' f did it to my mum. I'm left with a lot of trust issues and go through periods of feeling like my dp is cheating.

Therapy is really helpful!

Why exactly do people cheat? I'm pondering, particularly in respect of posters who say their dp has a low sex drive.

Thoughts to those who've been through it. I've been cheated on when I was younger (35 now) but been with dp for 10 years and I can't imagine the hurt and other feelings it causes.

They cheat because they can, they feel entitled, want to re-invent themselves as a new person, MLC, all sorts of reasons. Often it is just because they are an utter cunt.

I would have bet everything on my H never having sex with someone else. Luckily I didn't actually make that bet.

I can't imagine ever trusting any one again.

However I don't think everyone is capable of having an affair though as I would never do it.

STBXH was the most moral, decent, noble man I had ever met, I thought he would never cheat. He was disgusted when a friend cheated on his wife and cut contact with him. Additionally he has ASD, is aloof, shy but also opinionated and arrogant, so not easy to get on with, which made me think noone else would have him How wrong I was.

Not one person within our sphere could believe it when it came out, in fact lots of them thought it must have been me that had the affair

My DH hasn't had more than 3 ciders in one evening in about 5 years. So I am pretty confident he would never get so drunk that he didn't know what he was doing on a rare night out. As for an affair. Well like the poster earlier, we swap phones, know passwords for email and FB. I use his email all the time, he uses mine. I am in the military and I can spot a cheater a mile away. It was something I was very aware of when I started seeing my now husband. I have some truly atrocious stories of the behaviour of military personnel.

DH is also very shy and it was a miracle we got together as he just didn't see hooking up on a night out as goal of the night out.

Having said that, the basis for any relationship is trust so I trust him until he does something to destroy that trust. I don't think you should have to go through life worrying about being cheated on. Can't make for a good relationship

Not just your partners... I think there are many adults who would be shocked to discover that their parents' longstanding marriages involved infidelity.

My DH hates cheating, is an all round good guy, blah, blah... he definitely 100% is convinced he would never cheat... me, I'm a bit more realistic. I hope we will be together forever of course, but I don't take my marriage for granted and I do occasionally check in with myself to make sure I'm managing my life in such a way that I would be ok if things changed.

I don't know.. Sometimes, these threads will begin like this "it was so out of the blue, I had no idea there was anything wrong" and then it'll transpire that they haven't had sex in years or that the husband has tried to communicate about problems before .

My mother was totally shocked with my father had an affair - she was all "but we were so happy" when I have been consciously aware that they had a horrible marriage since I was about 6. My mother is a deeply unpleasant person to be around and live with but is able to be completely unaware of this.

notinagreatplace Sometimes, sometimes not. And even if you know your marriage is not perfect that is a very different thing from thinking that your partner is likely to have an affair. You might reasonably assume that you are going to work through your problems, or that they are going to resolve when he no longer has such long hours / gets over his depression / moves home, just as they have in the past. Then you discover that your partner had no intention of getting over the problems at all. That's a different kind of shock but it is still a shock.

I always swore that mine would never cheat. ASD, very, very shy, quiet, withdrawn, totally bound up in our marriage, always said he'd never been happier (I was his first ever relationship - in fact, practically the first woman who'd ever even spoken to him).

Until he decided that another woman was more interesting than me, had more in common with him than me. He didn't actually tell her any of this, of course, he'd never even had a conversation with her, he'd just decided, in his head, that she was a better fit for his eternal companion than I was. So, he cheated in his head and left me. Not even an EA, more of an imaginary EA.

And once he'd left, she didn't want to know, of course. How could she, she had no way of knowing he was leaving his wife for her! But he genuinely thought that was how relationships worked.

I don't know.. Sometimes, these threads will begin like this "it was so out of the blue, I had no idea there was anything wrong" and then it'll transpire that they haven't had sex in years or that the husband has tried to communicate about problems before

Well, my exH was really angry when our neighbour's husband had an affair and left.

Guess what, only 6 months later, he too cheated.

He acknowledges now that he had a) never, not once, tried to communicate he was in any way unhappy, and b) we had sex regularly.

You can NEVER know 100%.

You can never 100%, probably, but being fairly sure will have to do.

I can say with certainty that I would never cheat on a partner.

Sometimes a whole other secret family only emerges at the funeral

I think it is not just a case of believing that your marriage is so good that they would never cheat on you, but believing that they're just not capable of doing it - that they are decent people with morals.

My H was very vocal with his disgust at how a relative of his had been treated by her husband. I wonder if he still thinks that or if he's realised how similar they are.