Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

It also explains the incredible rush he's in. Why be in such a hurry to end a 15-year marriage and get out of the house if there isn't someone waiting for him? Why the months of secrecy followed by a sudden announcement out of the blue, if he doesn't have something to hide? He's following the script to the letter.

This happened to me many years ago. There was no OW involved, so don't automatically assume this is the case.

My ex simply fell out of love, so he could either carry on stringing me along or end it so we could both get on with our lives and start afresh.

Funnily enough it was me who met another partner first. Ex dp was on his own for a long time.

It was totally the right decision, even though at the time I thought my world had ended. I was devastated, but got my act together, started seeing that what we had wasn't perfect, and when I thought about it there were lots of things I wouldn't put up with now. So he did me a favour.

Few weeks after he left he came back crying, said he had made a mistake and I should give him another chance. He begged.
Obviously the grass wasn't greener on the other side.

A couple of weeks earlier and I would have loved to have heard these words, but after the time to think about our relationship I knew he was right in the first place to end the relationship.

My life has changed so much for the better.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. lots of hands to hold here.

He's just gone round to tell his dad. Ds has parked himself in front of the tv. Dd is very upset and just keeps crying. I hate him for doing this to them.

Can you take the kids out somewhere nice? It doesn't have to be posh or expensive. Just getting out of the house, into a new environment, can really be a bit of relief. There's something about being in different surroundings that can be soothing, even when you're desperately tired and upset. Just a couple of hours of distraction might be helpful. Also, it sends a message that you will still continue as a strong, loving three-way unit, that it's still possible to go forward and that it will soon feel 'normal'. Even if you don't feel strong about that yourself, it's important the kids get that message.

(I remember just after my Dad was told he had cancer in his 30s, he and Mum went out to buy him a pair of work trousers. I asked my Mum why she'd done that, and she said it was the most normal thing she could think of doing, an act of faith and a message that it would all be OK even though she didn't really know that at the time).

Well I've had a shower, washed my hair and put some make up on. Trying to be normal. H is still at his dad's and dc and I are putting away newly washed clothes from our holiday. Bittersweet.

Your family will support you no matter what,so do not worry about your parents.You are their child.

This happened years ago in our family and the whole family came up trumps.Do not trust him with your finances under any circumstances.

Husband involved in this case came out as a homosexual a few months later and rode off into the sunset..three children or not and has never contacted them again.

You are stronger than you think OP.Wonderful advice on here from other posters.

Do you reckon his dad is trying to talk some sense into him?

I'm sure his dad will do his best to talk sense in to him. Equally the cynic in me says he's now gone to tell the ow how 'brave' he's been and how hard it is for him.

If by any chance though he does come home with the light of reconciliation dawning on him, don't give him any slack op. He's behaved like an utter bastArd and might never ever be able to earn your trust again.

He is back. His parents were very shocked. They've said he can stay but have said they are fully supportive of me too.
We've looked at finances and we're screwed. There is no way we can afford a mortgage and a rent. I just don't know what to do.

It's not for you to worry what to do. He is opting out. He will need to worry about the extra home. He can rent a room if needs be or save whilst living at his parents.

Finances are not your problem, OP. He's the one who has decided to move out, it's up to him to find the rent in addition to continuing to pay the mortgage.

Is there any equity in your house ale? Depending on house prices in your area, could you sell & downsize?

finances are scary. I left my stbxh in the family home & rented, but we're going to put it up for sale later this year now my youngest DC has a uni place, I had to get a part time job as well as working full time, or I wouldn't have been able to afford treats for the DC or any social life at all.

That's his problem to sort out.

Just to clarify, I didn't suggest that to make things easier for him, I just thought if you felt in a better place financially it would help you!

sorry but sod how screwed he is. Go to entitledto and work out what you will get, go to CMS calculator and see what he has to pay you, see a solicitor regarding property and SM. Do not under any circumstances discuss finances with him.

He his no longer on your side - keep everything close to your chest and tell him that you will take advice regarding finances. I cannot tell you how important this is

Just told my sister. It was horrific. She was absolutely gutted and so shocked. However, as expected she was so supportive and offered her spare room whenever needed.
H has stupidly promised the kids we won't have to sell but I think we might.
He is going to pick the dc up after our dentist appointments and I am going to go into the bank where we have our mortgage. I don't suppose they will be able to see me today but at least I can make an appointment.

Entitled to says I am entitled to £1.72 a week. CMS £51 a week. He will be paying half the mortgage at the moment and for the foreseeable future so that will amount to a lot more than £51 a week.
He has been reasonable re finances and is prepared to stay at his dad's until we sort something out. I am not going to be all grabby with him, it needs to be fair for both of us. Yes it was his idea to split but I am not out to destroy him. We need to work together to make sure our children have as secure a home life as possible.

Fair point - but in 6 months time or a year you cannot trust that he will be fair or provide a secure home for them. This is why you need proper legal advice. You really cannot trust in a word he says, despite any false promises he may make now. Once he is in a love nest with his OW his attitude will certainly change significantly and you need to prepare and plan for that now.

I agree, very heavy-heartedly, with smilingeyes. These situations have a way of starting out very considerately and going very sour indeed. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's reneging on the mortgage deal in a matter of months.

It's best to work out the options straight away, and that means getting proper legal and financial advice - just as you are doing. He promised to be with you forever and broke that promise. Therefore, how can you trust him when he says that he'll pay half the mortgage? Get wise, get lawyered up, and take whatever you are entitled to.

If the children are staying with you, you need every penny you can get. When I split with exh he saw the children a lot more then than he does now several years on. You need a settlement that will support you and the children for the rest of your lives.

I am not going to be all grabby with him, it needs to be fair for both of us

It is not about you being grabby; it is about ensuring your DC have a stable future with as little disruption as possible.

It is perfectly natural that you are still in shock and are struggling to think of this all in a detached way - anyone would be the same in your position. But please, please do not agree to anything without speaking to a lawyer and financial adviser. And do not trust your DH. He has just demonstrated that he is not worthy of that trust. I am afraid that you are going to have to be cold-hearted about this or there is a very high chance he will take advantage while he has you on the back foot. After all, he has had months to plan this.

Please forget about being not bring grabby. You need to put you and dc first now. H is thinking about no one but himself. Listen to these ladies, I'd be very surprised if OW doesn't come out of the woodwork at some point. Do you really want to be struggling with dc and find out he's shacked up with and galavanting with OW?! Keep your cards very close to your chest, don't discuss or agree anything with H, get yourself some good legal advice pronto. He is not your friend, remember that