Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

I am in complete awe at your strength here.

I would be googling how to use cyanide in his tea.

Sorry you're going through this. I second what PP say about needing to speak to a solicitor.

What position are you in financially at the moment? Are you working? Would you be in a position to take over the mortgage or alternatively is there much equity in the property? I agree that things are likely to change in the future wrt finance, but even if you remain amicable it's not realistic for him to pay half the mortgage for the foreseeable future. However things are now, the reality is that you will both want to move forward with your own lives, having his financial input into your mortgage with the knowledge that at some point you will have to sell and then sort out things like equity in the currently uncertain future of the housing market isn't something I would want to contemplate.

While staying in the family home seems like the best prospect as things now stand, you would IMO be better off selling the house (assuming you're not in a position to buy DH out) and then using your share of the equity to buy somewhere else, or alternatively even rent if there is.a prospect of a market drop and buy somewhere in the next couple of years when you're financially in a better place. Short term the prospect always looks better to have your DH be financially responsible for you and the DC, however in the long term it is far better for you to be financially independent and not reliant on him. Especially when you start to e.g. Meet new partners etc. It's difficult to see that now but in a couple of years time it will make sense.

OP for you as this must be heartbreaking.

This man however is (if he's being honest) just leaving a relationship he isn't happy in... Which many mumsnetters are told to do on a regular basis. Yes his timing sucks but there's never a good time.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Hi AleC can only really endorse what everyone else is saying and it will be particularly helpful I think to heed the advice of women who have been through it. You sound like such a lovely person, with a calm personality and a generous spirit........far too good for that Ex. Please don't make any decisions about finances/house sale just yet. I know you want to get things sorted and that's only natural, but you're not really in a fit state to embark on all that just now. I think for the time being you need to do your best to get through each day and help the children. Oh god the thought of him telling them this morning made me shiver. It's good in a way that DD is crying and upset, at least it's all coming out. But boys are different and have a marked tendency to bottle things up, so small wonder your son is "watching" TV - but they will heal because they have you but it's going to take time as everyone else has said.

I think around 49% of marriages break up and 2nd marriages break up faster than first ones. Like everyone else I am as sure as I can be that there is an OW though I think you are not ready to believe that yet. I find it hard to believe that his dad didn't now he wanted to move in there - surely he would have sorted that before telling you. I'm sorry but these men do LIE and they can be very convincing. He's following the script - and as someone posted, her solicitor said "Of course there's another woman - they usually come crawling out of the woodwork a few weeks after the split." Then they become "someone they met after the split"

Try to help your son in particular through this awful time, just an arm around him and a few words of encouragement about the future will be all that's needed just now.

And need I say that MN will see you through this and out the other side.

I think shovetheholly and so many others talk such sense. Mr Nice Guy often disappears once he has moved out and is with the OW as she will no doubt have some input into what happens about money/house etc.

Take care, eat when you can, sleep when you can. Oh and why can't he sleep on the sofa!

Confusion you have hit the nail on the head. He is leaving this relationship because he is unhappy. I really don't think there is an OW. I can't hate him and I can't plot and plan against him. I hate what he has done to me and even more so my children but I don't hate him. I'd like to think we will always be friends and we will always communicate where the children are concerned. I don't think that is a rose tinted view to be honest.
Wannabe you are exactly right. I certainly don't want to be financially reliant on H for long. It will be in the short term only. If I am on my own, I'm on my own. I certainly can't buy him out. We both work full time but we have a lot of financial commitments from the past. I would love to not have to move the children from their home, they have enough to deal with, but it looks like I may have to. I don't know how it all works. I wondered whether the bank would allow me to transfer the mortgage to my name but increase the term to make it more affordable. Would I still have to give him half the equity now?

A "man" that CANNOT put his kids needs before his own, is NOT going to stay faithful to his promises of not making you move out/financial support.

He may have every intention at the moment to stay true to his word, but when the cold hard sums come in, and he realises he cannot sustain your current mortgage/child costs and costs for his own place etc etc, those "promises" can start to become "i didn't promise that".

I would seek advice from a Family Law Solicitor as soon as you are able.

Also I know it has been mentioned 100 times, but it screams OW - he may have felt like this for months - but for him not to tell you ONCE that this is how he feels - shows he never had any intention of fixing it.

Sure enough, he will have felt like this for months, but if he wanted to at least try and save his marriage and his family unit - he would have said something, he would; and there is only one reason he didn't - OW.

Also, there is no reason on this Earth why he should want to crash his kids world in the morning, see if his dad will put him up in the afternoon and then discuss finances.

I'm so sorry

OP I am in awe of how you are handling this btw.

I don't feel like I am handling it at all. My head is full of random thoughts that keep jumping in.

I can't hate him and I can't plot and plan against him

You don't need to plot against him. You just need a lawyer to ensure that any arrangement is fair and will protect your DCs' interests.

I don't mean this unkindly, but you sound a little naive about money which is all the more reason not to make any agreements with your DH until you have had financial and legal advice.

I'd like to think we will always be friends and we will always communicate where the children are concerned

Be honest, how many divorced couples do you know where this has always been true post-split? Lots of people start off meaning well. Quite a lot of people get to an amicable relationship in the end. But almost everyone has rocky patches along the way.

Please, please don't let your totally understandable shock fool you into making any decisions you may bitterly regret. You haven't got to fight with DH. Just tell him you won't make any decisions till you have spoken to a lawyer.

Shiny I won't. I promise I possibly sound more naive than I am. It is me that does all our finances so luckily I know where we stand.
I know there will be rocky times ahead between us but I know I am a strong person and I will get through. The day to day stuff doesn't bother me, I run the house anyway.
My two biggest worries right now are how to tell my parents and obviously the financial stuff.

You are in complete shock right now. This is not the time to make financial decisions but a great time to see a solicitor and get some advice. It's money well spent for an hour or so of advice.

OP I usually wouldn't dream of posting on these threads as I feel very underqualified but I think what your husband has done to you and your little boy in the timing and speed of this is extremely cruel and selfish. His inability to put his son first is deeply unattractive and concerning. It makes me shudder.

Sending huge strength to you. I am so sorry he has let you all down so incredibly badly.

I agree with others - do not agree to anything until you have run it past a solicitor. In fact see the solicitor first and see what is normal in these situations.

Your DH, in the process of becoming the XDH will see that things on the other side are not as rosy as they seemed and will try and claw back anything he can at the DC's expense (or as he will come to see it Your Expense).

Please do go and see a solicitor first and do not compromise your DC's interests. It all starts ok, but deteriorates and it is best you both start from the point that the courts agree with anyway. I have seen it happen too many times . Even when there is plenty money to go round

You must still be in total shock, this coming as a bolt out of the blue as you say.
He does want to rush things but he's been thinking about this for much longer. For you, this is all still coming out of left field. Give yourself a bit of time to think things through, you don't have to make any firm decisions just now. He might want to go fast but he's decided that you're not a team any more however much you want to be.

Arghhh! Be grabby. This happened to me; my XH had given himself a full year to decide to leave; I got less than five minutes notice upon his return from a work trip. I got screwed, financially (no kids though, luckily) and lost the house to him. He pestered me to move out for months, despite being a prick about buying me out. His new GF appeared 'after'; I popped by to pick up some things one day and there she was, making herself comfortable. Pregnant, too. She was already in place as a replacement. He lied his head off about being friends too. I have literally been deleted from his life and no references must be made to me, or any internet presence remain (i.e. Facebook block). Take any nicey-nicey promises and behaviour with a pinch of salt, OP. Be on your guard.

This is far too recent for you to be making any concrete plans for the future. He only told you, what, a few days ago at most?

I agree with those who've said he's been pretty cruel about this. My dh and I have been married over 20 years and most of the time we're great mates, basically. It's that bond which gets you through the times when you could whack them over the head with a shovel and hide the body under the patio. I don't see how he can concede that you're good friends and that you have great fun together and as a family, and at the same time say he's very unhappy. And refuse to even consider counselling. That's what makes me think, along with others, that there's someone else driving the narrative here. It just doesn't make sense otherwise.
In my opinion, I'd have to be more than "unhappy" to even consider devastating my children (and husband of course) by leaving. Why can't he just put up and shut up and ride out this period?

Listen to one who's been there OP: Do not talk finances with him. Don't Don't Don't!

My ex thought he could 'do a deal' with me. I thought it was fair. My SHL laughed out loud at his 'deal'.

She got me a brilliant deal, far more than I expected. It enabled me and the kids to stay in the family home.

I didn't want to take him to the cleaners, and initially felt a bit selfish out of doing so much better than him financially.

When my SHL pointed out things, like he earn't far, far more than me, because I had put my career on hold for 7 years to stay at home with three small kids, did the majority of the childcare 24/7 to enable him to study, therefore progress in his chosen career, it made sense.

It is too early to discuss finances. A day or two ago you thought everything was fine. Don't agree to anything whatsoever, however 'good' or 'fair' you think it is.

Your priority is getting the best solicitor you can find.

Do not, under any circumstances, leave the family home.

And do not feel sorry for this man. Your priority is getting the best deal for you and the kids.

He will change from being reasonable when the divorce becomes reality.

I get that you don't think there's OW. I bet there is. Men don't leave a family home and there kids, when things have been ok, to live in a flat eating pot noodles, or whatever he says he's going to do, they just don't.

You will get really angry soon, that's one of the stages you'll go through. Harness that anger when it hits you, you'll need it.

Sorry you are going through this. Sorry too to say, he is not your friend, he has not got your best interests at heart. If he was and he did, he'd be trying to improve your marriage rather than ending it.

Hugs.

I'd be willing to put down big money that there is an OW squirrelled away somewhere.
either way, you should prepare for him to be shacked up with a pair of knickers by xmas.
sorry to be so blunt, but they usually go when they're sure there's a new proposition sexually to go to.
get angry and get organised. he's being nice now but he may not stay that way.

It's all so painful to read. I'm so sorry this has happened. I have 3DC the youngest two were 4and 6 when it happened to me. My STBXH dropped the bombshell January 3rd 2015. I've stopped loving you/tried hard/it's just gone etc etc. He swore on the kids lives there was no one else, swore he was not that kind of man he wanted me to have everything. He was a lying cunt.

An hour later and a bit of detective work a new shiny model was revealed. Yes he was 'in love' with a work colleague and had been banging her and planning to leave me for 6 months. He waited till I fell asleep Xmas day and drove to be with her. Loads of details like that revealed. I found the full account of their relationship on Facebook messenger and saw naked pictures, her pregnancy scare, how many condoms they were going through. She was minging as well. But what does that matter? I trusted the cunt with my life.

I would say my life was hell for a full 12 months (sorry). I was suicidal for about 3 of those months.

As soon as the affair was revealed he turned into a nasty bastard. And it became his camp and my camp. My in laws who I loved more than my family no longer speak to me. Blood is thicker than water. My family have completely forgiven him though and act as it nothing has happened.

You realise no one cares about your own marriage except you and your DC. Friends quickly forget. The appalled move on after about 6 months.

My younger DC were devastated. My older girl of (now) 8 needed special help at school and suffered badly. My younger girl cried through the night. Just last week both girls slept in their own beds for the first time since the split.

The hardest part for me had been losing my children 50% of the time. My kids were hard won through years of fertility problems and it literally never occurred to me I wouldn't wake up each day with them. My ex all though not a bad father chose 50/50 custody to make people think highly of him. Within a month of our break he was advertising for a part time nanny for the kids when I wanted and could have them. Utterly heartbreaking. I didn't see my youngest celebrate her 5th birthday. He had them on Christmas morning. I was inconsolable.
50/50 custody doesn't get much press but I hate it, so confusing and unsettling for the kids.

Today I am OK. You will get through it. I'm not 100% but doubt I will be for at least another year. There are days where it feels like the beginning.

What helped me was writing my feelings and then realising my ex was always a stupid, selfish twat and I married him so I shouldn't have expected less. All the signs were there from day 1 I just ignored them.

Mine has never wanted to come back but he was always one for digging in his heels.

His relationship broke down soon after they were revealed. I rather pathetically posted everything on Facebook including clips of their dialogue. I also hacked his Facebook account for a couple of hours and my creativity flowed. His boss read things like 'I like my girlfriend's small ugly titties, my wife's big beautiful jugs are just too sexy' it came from place of pain...

A strange thing that is normal is having sex for a while and it's called hysterical bonding. I would go to his house for about 6 weeks and have intimacy-less sex and come home. Why? A psychologist would have an idea I suppose.

I now know why divorce is as stressful as losing a loved one. But everyone comes through the pain and sadly nowadays most children experience it.

Please listen to people who say 'he is not on your side' you are no longer a team. This was the one that I found the hardest to learn. I thought he was my soulmate?

Please look after yourself and your children. He is a cockweasel.

Why does he get the right to walk away and leave you with all the childcare? I'm not for one minute suggesting you'd want it any other way, but to just choose to walk away from his wife and family? There has to be an OW.

Being able to take over the mortgage in your own name would mean you applying for a mortgage in your own right. so yes the term would be increased to whatever mortgage you could get.

Re the equity, ideally it would be better if you bought him out now, alternatively he could place a legal charge on the property which meant he would be entitled to half the equity once your youngest turns eighteen, but there is a likelihood that this would mean the equity as it then stands which means you might be liable to pay him more.

By the way when it happened to me I spent hours on MN and thought my ex was different as we went through all the stages. He has followed the script completely. I thought the women on here all cried OW too quickly. Sadly not true either.

Still here. Had to take the kids to the dentist this afternoon. It felt really weird doing normal stuff. I wanted to scream at everyone - don't you know what's happened?
I went to the bank, explained the situation briefly and I have an appointment tomorrow at 4.30. I am going on my own, I hope that is for the best.
I also went to the CAB. They were hopeless. Basically she told me to make sure I opened a bank account in my own name and we close joint ones. She told me I am not eligible for bills in his name. She couldn't offer me any financial advice because of 'cuts'. I asked about a solicitor and after a bit of umming and aahing she said she might be able to give me a name.
I would prefer to research one that is recommended for family law.
I feel exhausted. My lovely sister and bil are on their way over as we speak even though they live an hour away.
Still can't get hold of my mum.

If the children stay living mostly with you then it is unlikely that you will have to give your H half the equity of the house. I've got a link to a useful document on this - I'll find it and put it on in a minute.

Here you are

www.judiciary.gov.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/fjc-financial-needs-april-16-final.pdf