Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

I can't help feeling is there something I should have noticed or something more I should have done.

I'm more sorry than you can know to write this, but I think there is an OW. Why else the haste? The distance when none there before? The fact you are already sort of excusing his behavior, in this case based on childhood stuff.

I think you are being gas-lighted. Read this www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1075333/what-is-gaslighting and see if any of it rings true to you.

I am so so sorry, but please don't let him engage you in taking equal blame when it comes to kids, and please please get the best legal advice you can get as quickly as you can get. My ExH (as in, the man I used to 'know', but I know now the man I thought I knew and was married to simply does not exist anymore) said one thing at the time and is now doing something completely differnt to point where we are dependent on benefits.

If he says you are 'mates', then ask him why the rush to move out especially given your son has such a huge life change already going on? That will help you be clearer about his motivation, OW etc.

Please stay strong but please also get some help in place for you immediately via Relate or similar. I did not do that and ended up very very ill as a result of that failing on my part (although in my defence, I was simply 110& focussed on DC and put my own needs lasts).

Be strong, take care of yourself, assume nothing, protect yourself and you babies.

It's such a lot to take in at the moment and you will get through tomorrow . If it all gets too much , break the day into half hours - I do this - for the next half hour I am making and eating lunch. It helps to stop my mind running away with me.

On a practical note you may be entitled to WFTC .

Thanks everyone. I am going to attempt to get some sleep now or at least lay in bed and gather my thoughts.
I'll check back in tomorrow if I can.

Good to hear you have family support. Things aren't going to be normal for some time so do accept all the help they can give. I'd recommend counselling, but not in the initial weeks as there's too much shock and disbelief to get through.

I kept going back over things trying to work out when ex stopped loving me...how could he have gone out on that day month before with me smiling...looking at photos with DCs. Even though we had major problems I still didn't have a clue it would implode in one minute!

He needs to explain to DCs and you don't have to help him, but help them and yourself.

(((( HUG))))

You'll get through tomorrow 5 minutes at a time...you will, because you are strong.

I know it seems like he'll be great about everything, but a word of warning. USE this time to get the very best deal you can, because the guilt soon passes & the reality settles in. I'll eat my iPad if there isn't another woman (though it may take time for her to come out of the woodwork, whether it's the one you suspected or not). I know you say that's by-the-by now, but it's not if she's in his ear about what he should do/say/settle on.

Please go and see a couple of solicitors (at least) and find one who has a bit of fire about them. Known around here as a SHL (shit hot lawyer).

I'm sure the kids will be upset, especially your DS - and no, they don't deserve this, but hopefully your STBExH will reassure them that he loves them & spend as much time as he can with them (NOT in the family home - that confuses them, will upset you & gives him a false sense of still having a right to be there & treat it like home. He's lost that right now & needs to accept it).

Try not to take it to heart when he says he hasn't loved you 'like that' for ages, he was lonely, he was blah blah blah. It's justification in his own head for doing this. He could have talked to you (not just one brief conversation about doing more together) & he could have told you how he was feeling - but he didn't. He's chosen someone else because he's a selfish git who has had his head turned by someone giving him their undivided attention, with all the lust/newness/excitement of 'someone new'. He's been a fool, one day he'll realise that - but it's HIS doing, not yours.

I know how hard it is when you still love them, still want them, still trust them - but please try to understand that we've all been there, many of us still loving them & thinking 'he's not like those other men, he'd never not look after me/the kids' etc. It's a false sense of security in the situation & the longer you linger in it, the more damage emotionally & financially there will be.

Its so very, very hard when they're your life & you have your whole future planned with them - for me it felt like he'd taken my whole life, my future. But (eventually) some wise person said to me 'He hasn't, the rest of your life is ahead of you, a blank slate - get out there & make NEW plans!' (I think it was that or hit me over the head with a bit of 2x4 by that stage!!).

You're not alone x

How sad.

I am really sorry OP

I have no advice but having read so many similar threads I agree with everyone who is saying that the haste points to OW. So, he told you that he feels better now? Because the hard part on his side (dropping the bombshell) was done so now he can anticipate the future with OW?

Hi, still here and surprise surprise still awake.
I am just laying here numb.
Thanks so much for all the lovely words of support and advice, many of them have made me cry.
I think it's true what someone said, he has obviously been planning this and so has had time to get used to it. To me, it's all new and raw.
How do I even go about finding a solicitor? Is it expensive? What do I need to ask?

Meant to add, so sorry about your dh Rosie.

So sorry about your news, and I'm not surprised you can't sleep. Look up solicitors in the local area that deal specialise in family law. There is a website, www.divorceaid.co.uk/legal/choose-solicitor.htm, that you might find helpful, and you might want to have a look at www.resolution.org.uk/ who offer advice about non-confrontational solutions with family law specialists, although you may find that the situation becomes confrontational despite your best efforts. Most solicitors will give you a free half hour so you could book some appointments to see what your options are. There is also a website that you can have a look at to see what you might be entitled to I terms of tax credits etc. which is www.entitledto.co.uk.

That might get you started on the practical side. I'm sorry it doesn't offer any emotional comfort, but it might be useful and help you to feel less as if everything has been taken out of your hands.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I've been there, many years ago now, and it will get better, but it will take time, and you do need to grieve. You sound like a lovely person who has a lot going for you; you didn't do anything to create this situation and nothing you did would have changed it because you are not the problem.

Hi all. Thanks for more words of advice. I haven't really slept, don't think he has either. My head has just been swimming with random thoughts - angry ones, upset ones, determined ones but mostly just feeling of shock and hopelessness at the thought of my future life as a single parent. I need to be strong for the kids but I think I will need them as much as they need me over the coming weeks and months.

So sorry for everything you're going through OP. Brace yourself for more shocks along the way as you find out more detail of what is driving him (I'm another on the OW bandwagon).

Why not talk to him before he talks to the DC and ask what the rush is. Tell him it's come as a shock to you and will he five you sometime to get your head around it before telling them.... That's the least he can do for you seeing as you will be left to deal with the fallout. Do you have a spare room he can move into in the time being?

You sound very dignified, hold on to that

No spare room. I asked him what the rush was last night and he said it doesn't feel like a rush to him as he has felt like this for months. He says there is nothing I can do to change it, it's not me it's him, same old same old. I said I didn't feel he was giving us a chance to fight for it together. Again he said nothing left to fight for.
I don't want to get up. I don't want today to come. I keep listening to my children shuffling around in their beds with no idea their world is about to come crashing down. I feel sick.

Hi Ale, I am so sorry this is happening to you. You must be feeling pretty spaced out this morning and that is completely normal. I am just about to end my marriage as my husband has been having son kind of text message/emotional affair with a younger girl at work. He doesn't know that I know yet, mainly as my youngest is starting reception in a few weeks and I didn't want to mess with his head. Things have been very distant round here for a few months too, so I know how you feel. Once you feel able, I agree you should see a solicitor. I did this and it at least makes you feel like you have a small bit of control over the situation. I think you need to explain to your husband what impact this could have on your son starting school. You can be the judge of that but it seems a bit rushed in that your H is not considering the wider consequences of his actions. Actually, he sounds like a selfish pig. OW or not, i think you will realise in the near future that he has done you a favour. I think you should not be too helpful to him while he is doing this. If there is OW, he maybe hedging his bets, move to the dads, see how it works with her and if it doesn't he thinks you will be none the wiser. Do not help him to do this. He made his bed, let him lie in it. Stay strong and keep talking on MN and with friends and family, they will help you through.

Thanks. I mentioned about ds and school last night and he agreed it was shitty timing but said he can't live like this any longer. I'm not sure he has realised what he is losing.
He hasn't even spoken to his dad and step mum yet. I think they will be furious. They see us as the perfect family and will be devastated. They only live round the corner so I am hoping I can maintain some sort of relationship with them.

Tell him it's not about him staying so you can try & change his mind.... It's about him allowing you time to get your head around his decision before you tell the kids. They will need your support but if it all happens today while you're still in shock, you can't give that to them.

He's being a selfish fucker tbh!

I wonder does his dad know he's coming? How much planning has he done already?

Cross post..... Do he's just gonna turn up at his dad's with his bags?? Selfish fucker!

Cross post jelly. No his dad does not know. You are right about me supporting the children. I will be useless today. In a way though I think it's ok that they see me upset. Then they will know it's ok for them to be.

So sorry to hear this, OP - hope you got a bit of sleep. I know everything will be in a whirl this morning, but please check all your joint bank & savings accounts. Make sure that no large sums have been taken out and also make sure that all the accounts have low limits on how much one of you can take out without the other's agreement. Set up alerts to your phone for any spending on them.

Ugh! Have been through the same thing almost 3 years to the day, married 14 years, eldest DC just about to start high school. My ex also claimed there was no OW, but you guessed it ...and he tried to palm her off as a new gf a few weeks later.

It is a horrible time and I can still remember the pain well, legal advice is a must, he may step up and provide for you all but remember they all say that initially to assuage their guilt, but over time they often start to back out of that. My ex promised the moon, but last week wouldn't even pay half on school uniforms as " that's what I pay maintenance for"

It's good that you have supportive friendsand family and I would also advise counselling at some point, probably the point where you feel you no longer want to burden friends with this anymore.

3 years on I have a good social life, a good job with great colleagues, the DC and I are a tight little unit and have really close relationships despite the teenage stuff. Ex is on his second relationship with a baby on the way and his life has been like watching a slow moving car crash tbh. He has lost such a lot but he is no longer the man I knew and I care not a jot.

Keep posting on here, I got a lot of support, especially in the middle of the night when you can't speak to anyone in real life.

Hi op, this also screams ow to me. You will get through this, it may not feel like it just now but you will find a strength you never knew you had.
Yes, your kids will be upset but just reassure them that they will still have two parents who love them but aren't together anymore.
Absolutely do not worry what your family will say, it doesn't matter that they love him etc, look after yourself and your children.

I went through a difficult breakup myself, my ds saw me cry more times than I would have liked but he knows his dad and I love him and adjusted to the separation way better than I would have imagined.

Sorry, OP, I'd lay odds he has another woman. Do get legal advice and remember its him, not you. You were fine. He's the one who got it wrong.