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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

992 replies

aleC4 · 21/08/2016 23:12

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

OP posts:
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 22/08/2016 07:26

I'd bet my house there's another woman.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 22/08/2016 07:29

Yes. There's a strong whiff of 'the script' in the air.

Idefix · 22/08/2016 07:32

Op I am so sorry you are going through this. As other pp say look for legal advice and sort out your finances as getting these right will make the next weeks and months more bearable.
Please try and look into relate for you not him, it helped my db so much to have this support.

Minime85 · 22/08/2016 07:37

Hi op just wanted to say there is a light on the other side of this. You will be ok and the dcs too. You must not try and get over it you will need to grieve for what you have lost. I agree it's ok to cry in front of dcs but as much as you can keep them out of the relationship break down. Make sure you repeat your unconditional love for them and this won't change. Make sure your head teachers/heads of year/tutors know ready for the start of the year. I am a teacher and this information is very important. When my ex left its one of first things we did.

Keep busy and have plans to distract them. Let them ask questions and give truthful answers but only at level of detail a kid needs.

I'm three years down the line. I'm ok. You will be too. Thinking of you. Flowers

Heartbroken47 · 22/08/2016 07:42

My DH did this after 22 years. He is still here 9 mths on and we are about to start couples counselling. I really admire your strength - hang in there. One thing I said to my DH is if it ends I'll be the one moving out - might be why he's still here - single parent life not so attractive as getting a little flat of his own :-)
Thinking of you

Goingtobeawesome · 22/08/2016 07:43

He won't make you move out?

He isn't the boss, he doesn't get to dictate. The law does that..

Be prepared for I've met someone, it's early days, no definitely wasn't while we were together. Definitely sounds like he's met someone already. What a pathetic man.

BuffaloCustardbath · 22/08/2016 07:44

So sorry to read all of this Ale, how fucking selfish for him to have had months to process his decision yet give you not even 24 hrs before he wants to set the ball rolling at bringing your life down around your ears. Don't ask, demand that he give you time to process this a little and start to gather your support around you before he swans out of the home.

You're going to be ok, none of this is your fault. Sending you lots of strength.

Lifegavemelemons · 22/08/2016 07:44

I was given the same speech ale - after almost 25yrs of marriage and teenage DC. In my case the OW was the person I suspected (a client) and he only admitted it when caught out by evidence.

It's really really hard but you do need a good lawyer and you need to detach emotionally as much as you can. The worse case scenario for the children is a bitter battle over pennies and joint bits of tat - I've seen it happen. You need to get a fair financial deal for you and the DC without coming to blows with your stbx. This might be one of the hardest things you've done, but you will come out stronger and happier.

12hours · 22/08/2016 07:50

Op, I think you need to decide now that you and the kids are the most important things. Do you think you could continue to have H in the house for the next few weeks until your DC starts school, or would that be harder. If so, let him move out today and your DC will at least have a couple of weeks to get used to it. If not, appeal to your husband that he is the father and needs to operate in whatever way will be best for your child, not your H. His dad and stepmother will not distance themselves from you, they will just want to be sure the kids are not affected and will probably tell your H so. If there is OW involved, it would be best for your husband to be up front. What impact could it have on DCs if they heard about this or saw it if H is staying locally? I would say ask for all cards to be put on the table today,so everyone is clear about the whole situation and there are no hidden surprises to come. Keep your chin up, today will feel shit as you have hardly slept either. Just make sure you look after yourself now. Eat when you can and sleep where possible. Get in touch with your sister and anyone else you can as soon as possible. Do not make life easy for this bloke. He has made a choice and now has to face what comes with that choice. Thinking of you.

Cary2012 · 22/08/2016 07:56

I Feel for you OP. I understand completely because the same thing happened to me.

You will get through this.

You need time to process it, because it's such a body blow.

When you feel able to, go to your local CAB, they're brilliant. I remember sitting there with this lovely man who gave me so much practical advice about finances etc. He was very sympathetic and kind, talking me through it all. They will give you a list of local family solicitors, who will offer free initial session. See a few, find one you click with and get the ball rolling.

Go on entitledto.org, do the calculator as if you are separated, to find out about finances too.

Brace yourself for the discovery of OW. My ex denied and denied, but of course she was there. My solicitor asked me if there was one, and I told her he denied this. She said, "Of course there's an OW, they usually crawl out of the woodwork after a few weeks. Your husband will pretend they just met'. She was absolutely right. Lean on people, they will be amazing.

Don't think it's you. I wasted many weeks blaming myself.

You're playing catch up. He's way ahead of you, because you have been delivered a bombshell, but believe me he's been getting his plan together for months.

You'll be ok, the next few days will be incredibly tough, but you'll be ok. Too many of us on here have been where you are. We get it, we'll hold your hand. Reach out to your family, friends and us.

Take care.

Northernlurker · 22/08/2016 07:58

I agree with everybody else op. There is an OW and he will come clean eventually. You've done nothing wrong.

Maybe make a Cab appointment to make sure you claim everything you can - both from your pathetic ex and from the government.

aleC4 · 22/08/2016 08:14

Thanks, still reading. Just finding it hard to gather my thoughts enough to reply at the mo.

OP posts:
Huppopapa · 22/08/2016 08:16

aleC4. Your H needs to slow the fuck down.
He may well have been thinking about it for months, but your children haven't.
You should not be thinking about finances and so on at this stage. This is not a decision to be rushed past the children. It is completely irrelevant what your H thinks: he is in a position to make decisions; the children are not. Accordingly it is right that you and he should take time to decide together what you are going to tell them and how.
Whether or not there is an OW (and I see no reason to make things worse for yourself by speculating), this is evidently something he wants to get done as soon as possible. That may be because he knows it is shitty. Well it's not your responsibility to make it easier for him. If you can, you should insist on behalf of the children that he does not speak a single word to them unless and until you are content with what he is going to say, when and how. You deserve it, but even if he will not recognise that, they need this to be done properly.
Flowers

Joysmum · 22/08/2016 08:18

how fucking selfish for him to have had months to process his decision yet give you not even 24 hrs before he wants to set the ball rolling at bringing your life down around your ears

Exactly! What a cunt Angry

cariboo · 22/08/2016 08:18

My thoughts keep coming back to you, aleC4. I can't add anything that hasn't already been said but give you my deepest sympathy. x

user1470296287 · 22/08/2016 08:49

So sorry this is happening to you its the worse feeling ever and just the shock alone is hard to deal with.
Im in the same position but 5 months down the line now. Its still not easy but i have accepted that he is a weak selfish coward and the man i knew for 18 years has disappeared. Thinking this way has helped me to gain some control of this awful situation.
I have a 15yr old just about to go into yr 11 and get ready for GCSE's so its bad timing for him as the house is now for sale and I'm looking at renting in the local area.
You will find this a rollercoaster of emotions and wonder if you will ever start to feel normal again, but you really will one day you will think NO.. I'm not letting this beat me and you will start to take control and although you hurt you will start to find your way forward.
Im so sorry you are having to go through this its awful but hard to believe but you will get used to it.
Sending all my love and strength to you at this time you are worth so much more than what has been put on you and it is not your fault, the fault lies deep within him and for that reason although he won't be able to see it now he will deeply regret what he has lost. Try to rest and eat little and often i have lost 4 stone from the stress alone so try to keep your strength up.
Xxx

aleC4 · 22/08/2016 09:02

Well it's done. He told them. He did it well actually and I joined in when I could but it was horrific. The look on dd's face and the noise she made will stay with me for a long time.
We've all had a good cry and they've asked lots of questions - hard and trivial. We've answered as best we can. It's going to be a long day. My head feels as though it's going to explode.

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 22/08/2016 09:04

God, that was quick. Bless you and your kids xx

aleC4 · 22/08/2016 09:10

I know. He wanted to tell them straight away as it was obvious I had been crying. The awful thing was when he called them in to talk to them I think they were expecting a really nice surprise. Sad

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 22/08/2016 09:14

I am so sorry it's so sad.
I think your husband is a selfish bastard.
You will be ok in time.
He will not.

pasic · 22/08/2016 09:15

This has upset me horribly, and I'm a hardened relationships reader.

What a vile excuse of a man.

I so wished I believe in karma.

12hours · 22/08/2016 09:26

My heart is breaking for you all. Today is the worst of it, things can only now get better. Just get through today, let him get his stuff and go and you just focus on yourself and the kids. I really think he is such a selfish bastard, first thing on a Monday morning. He just wants it out of the way and done to suit himself. Prick.

GodImbored · 22/08/2016 09:28

I think you need time to process things. Don't commit to anything re divorce/finances long term except of course to make sure he is supporting you as he should.

If he can't afford his own place I would be wary about his promises to see you right. How is he going to support himself? My exh wanted me to agree to a financial settlement without seeing a solicitor then when I did get legal advice he kicked off big time.

I think he is moving a bit quick while you are in shock. I was like a zombie for days at first but looking back I should have got legal advice sooner.

aleC4 · 22/08/2016 09:29

Things are calm now. He has gone to the shop to get bread and cereal. He is going to walk round to his dad's afterwards and talk to him.
The kids and I have a dentist appointment this afternoon so normal life will continue.
I need to speak to my sister today but she will be at work so I need to time it right. I might text her and ask her to ring me at lunchtime.
I keep going over and over in my head what I am going to say to my parents.
One funny thing - I went on that entitled website. Apparently I can claim £1.72 a week. Wow bloody wee!

OP posts:
12hours · 22/08/2016 09:32

Ale, I think you just tell your parents exactly what has happened. Don't try to protect him. Are you worried that you will tell them, they will hate him and then he might change his mind and come back? Even if that does happen, he has to be allowed to take responsibility for his actions and decisions. None of this is your fault, you haven't done anything wrong.