Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

I think (hope) his dad will be ok with him being there for the time being. We were just getting on our feet financially after a tough few years of debt. We had planned what we were going to do with a bit extra cash - savings, a foreign holiday next year, possibly saving for an extension in a few years. All crap now. He has promised the kids they won't have to move out of their home. Not sure how we will afford it though. I kind of feel like I don't want to e dependent on him to pay half my mortgage. If I'm going it alone, I'm going it alone.

It's not really that I'm worried they'll hate him. It will just be such a shock to them. We have always been ( or so I thought) a happy couple with a good relationship with lots of fun. They will be so disappointed and they love him lots. He is also really good friends with my bil so that's going to be hard on him too. Family get-togethers with my sister won't be the same for bil now. We had planned to go away with them in 2018.

I still don't understand why he couldn't have put this off. Surely he could have put his son ahead of himself? However, it's done now.

Don't go it alone for the sake of pride. He has a duty to keep a roof over his children's heads and indeed to feed and clothe them. Don't give him any excuse to avoid that.

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. You sound like a woman in shellshock. for you.

First things first: please find someone you can speak to about this. I know it might seem like money at a time when things are so uncertain, but the no 1 priority right now is you holding things together. It will really help to have a therapist you trust and can confide in over the next few months. You need to be this tower of strength for the children, and that won't be as possible unless you have someone supporting you.

Secondly, TELL PEOPLE! Your family, your friends. Do NOT make the mistake I did of feeling humiliated and ashamed and hiding it - this is not your fault, it does not reflect poorly on you in any way. Your partner will be spreading the word, and you need to build your team. Getting through a divorce is so much easier when you have people in your corner. (I did it alone because by the time I told people my ex had got around and accused me of cheating to the whole world - when actually he was the one who was unfaithful. Doing it in isolation is not something I would wish on anyone).

Thirdly, I realise he is saying and doing all the right things about money right now, but get thee to a lawyer, as fast as you can. I realise that it will seem like it's confirming your worst fears, but the sooner you know what your options really are, the sooner you can make plans for every eventuality. I have seen so many divorces start out with promises to take care of the kids, and end in acrimony, that I am the hugest fan of planning for the worst case scenario. It means you are forewarned and forearmed. This horrible news has caught you on the hop, so don't be on the back foot with him. He has managed to spring the worst surprise of your life on you - don't let him do that to you ever again.

Sending love, hugs, good wishes.

I don't have much to add apart from a 'been there, done that'. Agree with you, OP, it doesn't matter whether there is an OW or not, the results are the same - OW just enables you to have a higher ground than that which you can claim anyway.

Hang in there. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, it will get slightly easier. I'm five years out now, my kids have left home and I'm managing nicely in my own space, with my own friends, and I was literally on my knees on the day he left (although not begging him to come back, just driven there by pain).

You can get through this. You will get through it. Hold any hands that are offered, and be strong.

This was me a few weeks ago, keep posting as one thing that has got me through the bad days (of which there are still many) was the encouragement and support on here. I also read back through the thread if things are bad as it reminds me that some things have got better. My kids are a lot older, my bolt from the blue came a couple of days before my daughters 18th, but they have coped much better than me, and we have supported each other whilst he has gone off on a cruise with the OW. Don't make any decisions for a week or so if you don't have to, I let myself cope with ordinary things and grieve for my lovely husband who had vanished in an instant leaving a cold nasty stranger in his place. It is scary, but I'm discovering I am so much stronger than him and then I thought I was.

Oh OP, what a rotten situation. for you.

I would be very wary of taking your (D)H's promises about the house too seriously. A lot of rash promises are made at times like this, particularly before the cold, hard sums have been done. The bottom line is that if all your available cash is currently going into providing one home for the four of you it simply isn't going to stretch to providing two homes in the future. And while he may have it all worked out in his head that he'll decamp to his dad's for the time being, how long will that last? Living in someone else's house (and having someone camping in your house), can be really fraught. Him staying close-by makes sense, but the living situation is unlikely to last long. He's going to need a place of his own - with three bedrooms if the kids are going to be able to stay. That's two three-bed properties on the money you're both on now.

I haven't read all the advice, but you need to speak to your mortgage provider asap. Can you remortgage or do anything that might enable you to keep your home on your salary alone? That would probably be top of my priority list with solicitor in second place. How do you find a solicitor? Ask your friends for recommendations, or the CAB for a list of local companies. Then Google, I suppose, to see if you can find any good/bad reviews about them.

OP there is definitely more to this because of the speed at which he's moving. I hope you and the dc get through this and he has a miserable life

Also, beware of what I call the "nice guy bastard".

The "nice guy bastard" knows that he is being an arsehole. But he's not morally strong enough to make the right decision, yet he can't live with the choices he is making. So he comes up with all kinds of tactics for preserving his ego and telling himself that he's a good person underneath. He argues in his own mind that he's doing the right thing, that this is best for everyone in the long run, that he's going to look after the kids, that he'll still be a great dad.

Gradually, over time, those positions erode, because the no 1 thing with this guy is that he will always look after himself. He is incapable of the strength needed for self-sacrifice and narcissistic in his involvement in his own feelings and desires. But the slow speed of the process of executing the separation/divorce protects him from coming to terms with the appalling things he's actually doing, and allows him to tell himself that he's still a fundamentally good person inside.

This is why so many divorces start out with promises and end up in court.

'Be prepared for I've met someone, it's early days, no definitely wasn't while we were together. Definitely sounds like he's met someone already. What a pathetic man.'

This. He'll 'meet someone'. He already has.

This man is a total cunt. Anyone who does this to his/her spouse and children is.

Hope that you get some support irl, Op.

What an awful shock.

" I don't want to e dependent on him to pay half my mortgage."-isn't it up to both of you to house the kids though?

I do like the idea of possibly remortgaging in some way to try and afford this place on my own. I'm not sure the bank would agree though as my credit history is not great. It is something I hadn't thought about though so may be worth talking to the bank about. Perhaps increasing the term I was getting excited about reaching......

Gosh, what a horrible shock for you.

At the moment you are reeling from the shock of knowing your future is not going to be what you imagined. All sorts of things are going to dawn on you that will be different from now.

But different doesn't necessarily mean worse. What will become clear as the pain of what has happened numbs a little, is that your future can still be amazing and that now you can be in charge of it.

First step: get an appointment wit Citizen's Advice Bureau. They are excellent at going through the agencies you may need to contact. They will also advise you on what to do legally and perhaps where to find a good solicitor. If you have any divorced friends/colleagues you can ask them who their solicitor was.

I'm sorry to say, but you can't really believe the 'I won't make you move out' line. That's said more out of guilt and appeasement than anything practical. It may well be you come to a financial agreement in mediation that forces him to help you stay there, but it may well be that he can't afford to help you as much as you like.

I too also think that his head has turned. Ime men don't leave long term relationships in which their world is comfortable unless they are moving somewhere where they think they will be just as comfortable and benefit from the care of someone. So bear in mind that a revelation may be coming in some form, but I would not ask him about it as he won't tell you the truth (in his mind to protect you). Also, it's possible his depression is in the drivers' seat and he may just not be coping anymore.

Don't worry about other people's reaction other than your dc. They'll be upset, but they'll cope. You have to get selfish real quick now.

Please see a solicitor.

Please do not agree to anything financial with this pathetic excuse of a man. Your line is I will take legal advice and let them deal with it.

I am also adding to the chorus of OW - so sorry. He is months ahead of you - has been planning and plotting this for some time. Do not agree anything else today except that him and his bags are leaving. There will be no visiting you or the DC in the family home - doorstep pick ups for their contact times. Anything else via the legal route.

So sorry.

I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. If it is any consolation, my dad left my mum for another woman and i was 13, my sister 9. It was literally horrific for about a year, and I didn't ever imagine getting over it but we did. In fact, when I look back now, Mum was amazing with us - if she was angry, upset, sad she shared it with us and us with her. We had many happy years when the dust settled, watching videos, walking the dogs, just all girls together in one house. She even took us abroad, which when I look back now, she would never have done without Dad leaving her. I'm immensely proud of her now and how she managed, and your kids will feel the same about you. Just be honest, this wasn't your doing and don't protect their dad, he made this choice and needs to live with the consequences.

"Shove niceguybastard is a good way to sum up this little boy man. OP* don't trust anything he says. You're months behind his planning and he was able to tell your DCs quickly. All rehearsed.

Your famiky and friends will be the ones to help. Don't feel bad about accepting help as they'll feel worse if they don't do something. They can help with practical things around house, support you with solicitors and help you with DCs if you need a break.

I've been here but I was the one ending the relationship there was no other person. I was just unhappy on the outside the relationship looked good and we seemed happy but I was pretending and one day out of the blue as far as he was concerned I realised I couldn't live the rest of my life like that. We told the children and almost 2 years later everyone is fine. I still get on with the ex and we co parent. You'll get through this op

Yes good post from shove.

He's moved fast hasn't he!

It's harsh and this might seem blunt but I feel that you quickly need to get your head around the idea that you two are not a team, he is no longer thinking about what is best for the family - his priority is himself (and his OW). With that in mind I echo all that PP have said, get yourself a SHL, nod and say yes but do not trust that any promises he makes now are ones that he intends to keep. You cannot trust his promises. Three months ago you trusted that you were working towards a future together, but that wasn't true; just as now, whatever he says, probably isn't true either.

Don't let him rewrite history. Tell your loved ones the truth, exactly how it has actually occurred - he's dumped you from a great height after planning this separation in secret. Consider yourself, so try not to think about how the relationship between your bil an exH will suffer, instead think of how your bil can support you and should be angry and on your side.

I'm not suggesting you need to view exH as the enemy, just to realise that he's no longer on your side.

I am sorry, for you and your children. He's a wanker to do this like this to you and your children.

Ahhh Alec So, so sorry to read this. My heart is breaking for you and your children.

I agree, he has another woman already, but also agree that it doesn't matter at this point in time. He is an utter shitbag to do all this in such a rush.

You will be okay, but whatever you do, don't take him back when his plans all go tits up.

Good luck for the future

Just to add OW are often involved as a 'soft landing'. He doesn't have to deal with the grief of the relationship ending as he's distracted by excitement. I know that's awful, but it's common and says a lot about the ineptitude of the man to be an adult!