Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

He made the hasty decision to move into rental without waiting for your mortgage application. Legally he has to pay half - tell him to cough up. I hope he's paying the full amount of child maintenance.

I would also get legal advice if not.

With mortgages you are actually jointly responsible for the full amount rather than half each. If he doesn't pay then you have to unfortunately. You would both get bad credit against you if the mortgage isnt paid regardless of whether you paid half or not.

^^ all the more reason for him to maintain the mortgage, he wouldn't want a bad credit rating for when he buys his own place.

Just wanted to say - I know that horrid sick hollow feeling when you have been knocked back for a mortgage over a stupid reason. If it is any help, HSBC did it to us in Feb. Grrr. But we went to NatWest and they were really quick and it all went through like clockwork Nil desperandum. You have done so well.

He is payday by maintenance and it's quite a good amount I think.
My parents have given me a bit of money to help me with through at the moment, it is just sitting in a different account until I need it.
Yesterday my broker got me an agreement in principle with another lender so hopefully this one will move smoothly. They have said my case is their top priority because I have been messed about so much.

Good news op on the new potential offer.The darkest hours are just before the dawn and all that...keeping everything crossed for you.
Does he have any idea what you are going through with this because of him? Honestly I do wonder how some people sleep at night sometimes.

Thinking of you AleC4 xxx

So it turns out there may be trouble in paradise, and perhaps the grass has not turned to be greener......
I was sitting in the middle of a meeting at work on Thursday evening, nothing important, just a planning meeting with my team.
A text came through from ex asking if I was any closer to getting the mortgage sorted. Well as you can imagine after all the problems I have had, that question made me rage! I text back that I had been through hell with it, I had had a horrible time and I would let him know when it was sorted.
I got a text straight back saying he was really sorry for asking, sorry for putting me on this position etc. I didn't reply.
And so followed over the next 10 minutes or so a barrage of 'sorry' texts with all sorts of crap like I can't believe I've done this to you, I never meant to cause you any pain, I should have sat down and talked it through when you gave me the chance etc etc
I did still did not reply. Then I got 'I understand if you don't want to talk about it'.
To which I replied that I didn't talk about it, I had moved on but that I was bloody angry that I was brought by punished for something and hadn't done.
Then I got another load of texts - you are an amazing mum and a wonderful woman, I should have worked at it, I've been an idiot, we should have gone to marriage guidance like you suggested.
I don't know what he wanted back from me at this point but he got nothing.
I went home and had a good cry about it. Angry tears mainly. But also some sadness that perhaps it Could have been saved.
I don't know if he expected me to turn around and say let's try again? Not on my life. We are done and I have a new life now.
Although I know I am doing the right thing for me and the children, it has unsettled me a bit this weekend. I had my work Christmas do on Friday. I had a few drinks and then had a little cry with a lovely friend.
My bf has seen the texts and she can't believe he has the nerve to send them now after all this time.
I guess perhaps now the fun of the chase is over, the ow is not quite what he expected. Tough shit.

I don't know how you are still upright. I really admire you you have coped. I doubt I'd forgive either but at least he'll spend his life knowing he's a twat and how much he's lost.

Oh Alec

How awful to think that, if only he'd been a reasonable human being, after so many years of happy marriage, and just talked to you about how he was feeling, this whole thing could have been avoided.

He's right by the way. You are amazing!

Thing is aleC, your ex wasn't thinking with his head when he dropped the bomb that blew your family apart. Like my ex, he was so full of his new life, his mind so full of all the new possibilities of life with OW, that he refused to see what he was throwing away. The haste with which your ex rushed through leaving was breathtaking. One of your early posts said something like "he wants to tell the kids', then next post 'he's told the kids'. We were all taken aback by the speed, which naturally left you reeling.

You could see, just like I could, that he was throwing something away that could possibly be fixed. But like mine, your ex had spent a lot of time deciding and planning his new future. That was the bit that I found most hurtful, that I, the other 50% of the marriage, had no say in the future. He alone made up his mind, and it was presented as a done deal.

I got an email about 3 months after he left, full of remorse. And I too cried, because I could see that he was waking up to what he'd lost. Most of my tears were of frustration and anger that the bloody fool hadn't realised what he was losing until it was too late. And it really was, by that time, too late. The thought of having him back crossed my mind, but only fleetingly, because he had caused too much pain, I knew I would never trust him again, and actually by that point he had killed any feelings I had for him, but I still thought, 'you bloody fool, why didn't you realise this at the time.'

Of course life with OW isn't a bed of roses. Illicit trysts with OW, romantic dinners etc., are one thing, living in reality, with all the day to day drudge life throws at us is quite another. He's living a different life to the one he envisaged with her. So be it. He made his bed, with her, he can lay in it.

Just hang in there, and try to focus on you and the kids. You are doing very well and you will get through this my love. It is still early days, you are dealing with financial stuff that you didn't envisage, at a time when you should be licking your wounds.

I got through similar, and so will you.

We're all here, rooting for you and admiring you.

OP, your x is just selfish and heartless.

Stay strong and lets hope you receive a positive answer this time regarding your mortgage.

He needs to stay with OW to eat the fruit which he has planted himself.

Only just found and read this tread. It does sound like your marriage had lost something, whether you would have been able to save it, if you had worked at it in August is something you will never know.
However I think you have realised your feelings for him had also changed.
Whether you could start again would depend on how much time and effort you would want to give. For it to succeed you would need to start dating and building up your relationship from the beginning, just like you would if it was someone new.

As to the finances, if you do stay on the mortgage with your ex, he wouldn't be expected to continue to pay half the mortgage. You would be expected to pay his half as a kind of "occupational rent" for his half of house.
Also paying him 40% of the equity is reasonable and you probably wouldn't be expected to pay less than that if it went to court, especially as you earn more.
Do you both have pensions?

Found and read this thread this morning. Sorry things have worked out like they have for you.

For my penny's worth firstly friends went through a similar thing about 5 years ago. Difference was that he admitted to OW but said he'd felt that things weren't right before then. They went the other route with counselling, him moving out (but no contact with OW) and then getting back together again. DH and I were the only friends they told. All seems well and happy...he told my DH that he can't believe he almost threw everything away for basically a passing lust.

BUT although they seem happy, he is overly dutiful now, almost under the thumb (I say that even though his DW is one of my BFFs). On dads' nights out he rushes home early to cook for her and doesn't go on their weekends away any more. I'm not sure how healthy this is. Permanently trying to make up for the past. Your DH is really reaping what he sowed but once you've broken something I don't think you can unbreak it. You're probably best with your outcome rather than theirs.

Secondly I really hope you get your mortgage sorted. DSis had a terrible time with 110% Northern Rock mortgage and a fiancé that upped and left. Her credit rating was terrible but through an excellent adviser now has a Nationwide mortgage. So it is possible.

Finally DSis is also a teacher. There is a friendly society that does loans etc at preferential rates for teachers. I don't know it's name but I'll ask her if you're interested. Not sure what else they do.

Oh.Dear.What.A Shame. And they didn't even make it to xmas. What a plank.
Whatever you do AleC4 don't let him drain you with his tales of woe and empty promises. KOKO. You are worth more than that yoghurt.

I would never have him back. I am not remotely interested. Any feelings I had for him are long gone.
Lying awake tonight thinking about ds. He has had a fallout with his oldest mate and it's playing on my mind. They have just started Y7 and it is a time of such huge transition. This mate has been fantastic to him since we split and has really been there for him, his Mum too.
He has started seeing a girl in the year above and ds doesn't like her. I think he feels rather threatened by her. She's obviously older, very streetwise and by all accounts not very nice.
Ds's mate was trying to get him to add this girl on instagram and he said no. He then said loads of really horrible stuff to him in a group chat on what's app. Kids and social media, it terrifies me.
I drop ds off at this mate's house every morning to walk to school but he has made alternative arrangements for tomorrow. I know his mum will message me to ask what's gone on.
It's ds's birthday next Monday and he has a trip out with 3 friends organised with his dad, this friend included. He has told him he doesn't want him to come. I've said to leave it, wait, and see what happens at school this week. He is very hurt though.

That sounds a very wise response.

(My DC are now adults, so began with Instant Messenger on the pc when at school. So obv much older than your DS. It has meant they have kept up with their old friends from school, uni, work etc much more than was feasible for me [old gimmer, still trying to get old git (his term for himself!) DP to reply to texts ] )

Just spent a few hrs reading the full thread.

You're an incredibly strong and resilient woman aleC, your kids are lucky to have you and your ex is an utter fool. Best wishes for the mortgage and hope you have a great Christmas.

I'm so, so sorry to read this behaviour is so prevalent, that men are quite willing to drop longstanding relationships and their precious children for an OW. Thick and thin, long-term relationships are worth fighting for.

I wonder if your ex is feeling the weight of his mistake all the more due to the time of year. He's got some front sending you those messages tbh.
It's horrible all the friendship stuff for DS-and really hard to know what's for the best. I guess just keep doing what you are doing.its great that he feels able to tell you about it all

I think you're all giving him too much credit. He hasn't realised what he's lost, he's realised you appear to be coping without him. How dare you!

Quick! Better throw her a few titbits to reel her back in, make her realise what a great guy I am, and how she can't live without me dammit. Maybe I could suggest meeting to talk, if I'm nice to her she'll shag me for sure....

When you don't respond to this in the right way - I predict outright nastiness.

Can't remember whether I've posted on your thread before, but I think you're incredible.

I recall reading your thread on holiday whilst having an awful time with H.We agreed to separate shortly after in Sept so my timeline not so different from yours.

You are doing amazing well and I'm not surprised your ex is now having doubts.

I think the midlife crisis fling for many men is something many will live to regret.It doesn't surprise me that you ex had a difficult childhood as that seems to be factor.I completely understand why you feel you can't take him back.The hurt my dc went through telling them is something I would never put them through again and I don't think I could trust stbxh ever again.

Alec - I have been thinking about you and just wondering how you are. Hope things are going better for you. Try and have some "me" time during the holidays - impossible as though that may seem after a difficult end of the year. May I ask if there is any news on your mortgage? I am hoping too that your h has started to have some sleepless nights as it dawns on him just what he has done. Best wishes to you and your children and high hopes things will turn out much better in the coming year.

I was just wondering how you are Alec?? I have been thinking about you and hope things are getting better and easier for you. Is there any news re your mortgage application? I do hope you have a restful (!!?) holiday from work and that you and your children have a happy peaceful Christmas and here's to a much happier and settled 2017 for you all.