Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

Just delurking to say that I think you're fab Alec. Just read the whole thread and you have behaved in a brave and dignified way in such horrible circumstances. Your children are so lucky to have such a wonderful mum and although times are tough right now, when they are adults and old enough to understand how terribly their dad has treated you, your children will have nothing but admiration for how you dealt with what your ex has done.

Wishing you loads and loads of luck for the future. I hope you find happiness again and that you continue to go from strength to strength. As for your ex, I've always believed that no good can come from building your happiness on the pain and sadness of others and maybe one day karma will catch up with him! Take care x

Did he not come and take all his stuff in the end then?
You can definitely make the next chapter a happy one-you sound such a great mum and a lovely person.
You can get though this-we're all rooting for you

It has all gone. All traces of him have been removed from my house. It's as if our marriage never happened.
I feel a bit sad but better than I did last night now it is all gone. I just need to get this bloody mortgage sorted out and I'll be happy. I am itching to start doing things round the house.
He asked the dc if they wanted to go round to his new house tonight and have a proper look round as they only saw it briefly. He said they could help build their new beds so they are all set up for tomorrow night's sleepover.
They were really excited to go but I don't think it was quite what they were expecting.
He forgot he hadn't got a screwdriver so they couldn't do the beds and surprise, surprise - ow turned up!

Jesus.he doesn't seem to have much sense of how insensitive it is to have her turn up does he?They are trying to get their heads around his new house etc...does he not stop to think it may be a bit much for them? And actually that it might also be a bit crass with regards to you too-he's got what he wanted-can he not wait until the dust has settled even a little bit before introducing someone new into the situation.on your (and the dc's) behalf op.
The DC might be excited the first few times they go round-it's novelty. It soon wears off. Pretty soon it will become routine to them so don't let that upset you, if it was a little bit? Mine still seem to think of my house more as home-they are happy at their dads but it still feels like going for a sleepover to them (as they describe it) when they are there and then they come back to 'proper' home at mine. That will probably be the case for yours too.
Hope you are ok op...and let's hope for some mortgage news this week too.

You'll be ok once the mortgage is sorted AleC, then you can focus on getting your home exactly as you want it.

There are so many parallels with your ex's behaviour and mine. My ex picked DD up from the train station once with the OW in the car, and couldn't understand why it upset DD to see her. I think because he was so far ahead of us in his head, I mean he'd known for at least six months that he and OW would be together at that time, that he couldn't see that his kids were playing catch up and still processing the fact that another woman was sitting where their mum sat. It was as myfriendnigel says incredibly insensitive.

These men are only concerned about their own happiness. They block out the devastation they caused. They think they have a right to the happiness they feel in their new relationship, and their kids should be over the moon that daddy's happy. They simply can't see beyond that. His bubble will burst and one day he'll realise what a selfish prick he's been. Probably around the time you're in a better place and your kids are older and able to see him for what he truly is, an entitled selfish man.

Had an awful morning with dd this morning. I guess it is all the anger coming out from last night. Sometimes I find it so hard to deal with her behaviour. You wouldn't I deal with 30 kids everyday yet find my own so hard!

It's not surprising with him behaving like that.it must be quite hard for her to process.mine had similar outbursts around their dad moving out and again lately as the situation has moved on in a direction that is hard for them to get their head round.That said my dd2 is the same age and is quite teenage in general at times now, so maybe yours is similarly afflicted on top of the rest of it?
Hopefully she will be distracted a bit by the normality of school and will be back to her self by the time she gets back.
It's so hard for you all.Not made easier by the other parent involved in this not thinking it all through beyond how he would like it to go, as opposed to having a sensible or realistic thought about it all.
They are lucky to have you op-and that will see them right.

It gets worse. Now my boiler has been condemned. It can be fixed but will cost around £500 and the parts won't be available until December.
I have been given a quote for a new one but it is nearly £2000.
I have a lovely friend who has offered to lend me the money until the mortgage comes through but I feel shit about that. Why should I have to do that?
I feel just about ready to give up. I have tried so hard to be strong through all this but this has just about finished me off. I can't stop crying.
I feel so useless, like I can't even provide my kids with a warm comfortable home and a hot bath/shower.
I hate him. I hate him so much right now sitting in his warm comfy little love nest without a care in the world.

That seems really unfair after everything you've been through. I can identify with that 'Ive been really good why does the shit keep coming' feeling but it's not helpful to frame it that way. Just take the offer from your friend and try not to overthink it. They're probably glad to be able to do something concrete for you. I would be if I was your friend and had watched all this play out. You can do this.

Yup same here aleC4, I feel overwhelming hate for mine now, I long for him to be dumped and come crawling back so I can slam the door in his face lol but it's a stage you will go through.
Concentrate on you and the dc's, you don't need a cheat and a liar in your life and things around the house will break down now and in the future. We will cope.
Mine left me with a shit car I need to replace in order to keep my job!

Ring your ex and ask him to stump up for the new boiler. He can't surely allow his children to have no heating and hot water at this time of year!

Have you got an electric immersion you can put on to heat the water?

Ask your friends and neighbours if they have any electric radiators you could borrow. I have 3 in my attic but don't know where you are or would gladly lend them to you.

Hi Alec
My partner of11 years decided to finish our relationship whilst driving from a family church wedding to the wedding reception at the end of July. My 16 year old was in the back of the car when it happened!
As we weren't married and I lived in his house, my son and i had to move out. He had been previously financially destroyed by divorce after his first marriage and so I am sure he had taken legal advice not to marry me or allow me to contribute legally, although this was never on the agenda for me.

Although we had been arguing, the reality is that he was emotionally wrecking me. Looking back now I didn't feel I had a life...we had begun to do things separately and were no longer in a loving partnership.

Since then, I have completely immersed myself in work and a positive project by renovating my house (luckily I had rented it) and re-made a home for my son and I. I am moving back into my old house next week having spent three months with my parents.

Each day is a roller coaster, highs and lows, sadness and happiness. However my independence and ability to make my own decisions has been extremely positive. The loneliness is a challenge you can overcome by planning things with friends, keep busy and active. You will need to plan Xmas carefully so you are surrounded by fun loving friends and family.

Although our situation is different, the emotional experience we have both been through, the shock, is very similar. I would not spend too much time analysing why your relationship broke down, why he left- it's too negative ... focus on the positive future for you and the children.

I think that in a 6 months time you will have learned and developed so much as an individual that you will look back on this time as investment in you. If you look through all the responses, there are so many wonderful positive comments about you being a strong special person. Believe them, it's true!

Alec, I used to leave the oven on with the door open all winter long to warm the downstairs of my small house. It was quite effective.

Also good old hot water bottles in the beds or even on everyone's lap during the evening.

Come on now op... We're all here.you can do this. You can.
You are right.its not fair.Not fair at all. But you can get through this-if nothing else to bloody well show him that you can do it without him.

Have you no hot water at all? Can you go to your mums/a friends for baths and that until you can find a solution? I know it's crap. But the only way through is to contingency plan the hell out of it.

Can you borrow heaters from anyone to tide you over?

What about that British Gas thing where you can pay for a new one monthly? Is that an option?

Hi ale,
You should be able to get a boiler cheaper than that. I had mine done about four months ago and the actual boiler was 740 and it's a pretty good one too. Get a few more quotes as some plumbers are just extortionate. You might also qualify for that free boiler upgrade, try googling that. Good luck x

Thanks everyone, it's great to have so much support here.
I have heaters thanks and it isn't too cold here at the mo. Dc are having bath/shower at their dad's tonight and I have been to my in laws for a shower.
I have had another couple of quotes from local plumbers recommended by friends. All are coming out pretty similar. I want a decent name this time as I want it to be reliable. The boiler I have is only 5.5 years old but is a relatively unknown make and it appears to have a recurring common fault.
I think I will have to take the money from my friend and keep my fingers crossed the mortgage comes through.
I can't take on British gas finance because a) my credit history is not great and b) I am worried taking on more debt could affect the already fragile mortgage application.
I have been out with friends from work tonight which came at a good time. We chatted and I forgot about home for a while.

Ale it might be worth checking where you legally stand on this, while you both still officially own the house. My SHL has told me that while you both legally own house then STBXH is equally responsible for any repairs especially emergency ones. The very least he should be paying is half. I am no expert on this but could having a new boiler increase the value of you house? If so I would also be concerned that if you spent the money on boiler that he would then benefit from any extra equity in house for 'free' because of it. Your lawyer might be able to get at least half the cost of the boiler taken off any equity he may eventually get as reimbursement to you? Like I said I'm no expert, maybe someone else will know the answers. But may be worth checking things out with your lawyer.

We'll see what crap today throws up!
I am taking dd to Disney on Ice tonight so that should be some nice time together.
With regards to ex paying for the boiler I know I won't get any money at the moment. However when (I am being positive and saying when not if!) my mortgage comes through he will not be getting what he thinks.
It will be the original sum we agreed minus half the boiler and half of all mortgage/loan payments he has refused to pay since he rented. At the moment this will only be one month but it will amount to nearly £2000.
My plan is to write a cheque for the amount and put it through his door with information detailing what is taken out. It will also include a sentence detailing why the money has gone and the fact that he is still liable to pay the mortgage/loan. I am not sure whether legally he is obliged to pay half of the boiler but seeing as though he still owns the house I think he is.
I don't think he will contest it because he knows I'll take it to a solicitor and that could cost him a lot more.

Good for you.
Enjoy tonight

I am not sure whether legally he is obliged to pay half of the boiler but seeing as though he still owns the house I think he is

He is morally obliged though as this is the house that his children live in. I can't believe he's stopped contributing to the mortgage, gggrrrr.

Rosie I definitely plan to recharge my batteries over Christmas. I have lots of lovely family time planned but also a couple of days where I will be on my own which although strange I think I will need.
At last I think there may be movement on the mortgage as a valuation has been booked for Monday.

Oh that's good re the mortgage. Keeping it all crossed for you then!