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Original poster

Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

471 replies

UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 14:09

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

OP posts:
TheCrumpettyTree · 20/08/2016 16:01

Why don't you want to see those people again? Don't dump your mates, if that's who they were. You don't have to feel embarrassed, this is not your fault.

WannaBe · 20/08/2016 16:02

TBH this sounds to me like guilt. He's IMO done something he feels guilty about. A one night stand, an affair, something illegal, and in his head he needed to re-affirm his commitment to you to make himself feel better over whatever it is he's done, hence the out-of-the-blue proposal. But with time comes clarity and he's realised that actually he doesn't feel that guilty about whatever it is. he's done and as such he doesn't feel he needs to make that commitment after all. In fact he feels that he wants out of the relationship but if he ends it he has to admit to everything..

It's up to you whether you want to dig for whatever his reasons are. but TBH I wouldn't. I would just say that by withdrawing a proposal he has made it abundantly clear that he wants out of the relationship therefore he needs to go now and you will tell the kids and his friends and family why he's gone.

RepentAtLeisure · 20/08/2016 16:02

I need an emoji of a jaw hitting the floor. You were not supposed to take his proposal seriously because it was the first time he asked?? How does he think proposals work?

You don't need to be ashamed. Tell everyone the truth. And if I were your friend I would hope that you dump this knobhead.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2016 16:05

You're willing to dump friends you love because your partner has shown himself to be an utter cunt? Please rethink this. We don't even know you and we think he's a complete shithead.

WannaBe · 20/08/2016 16:06

Oh and I wouldn't keep it quiet. In fact this is the one time ever I would put something on the likes of FB saying something like "well, today was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, a month ago X proposed but didn't want anyone to know. Now I know why - after booking the venue, buying the dresses and getting two mates as witnesses he changed his mind and has left. I just wanted to put that out there before he starts telling his side of the story that I've thrown him out and he doesn't know why or because I was pressuring him or anything like that....

JustForThisTopic · 20/08/2016 16:06

You aren't worthless 💐

HE is a contemptible bastard.

I know you don't think so, but I'd put money on him having met someone else & engineering this so that he can blame you & tell others that you demanded you get married or he leaves. Utter, utter wanker.

Do NOT cut your nose off to spite your face. Do NOT cut people out of your life because you're embarrassed. Those who matter won't 'mind' & those that 'mind' don't matter - in this case substitute 'mind' for 'think less of you'

HE is the fool. HE is the one that isn't worthy. Nasty, nasty bastard.

JustForThisTopic · 20/08/2016 16:07

I'd also do what WannaBe just said!

RaeSkywalker · 20/08/2016 16:07

My friend had a similar situation to this- her DP knew she wanted to get married and have children. One day he made the totally ridiculous announcement that he wanted children too, so was going out to trade in his sports car for a family car that very day. He showed her an advert, then left. She was a bit Hmm at the time as it was out of the blue, and seemed ridiculous when they weren't even ttc. Anyway, he came back that night (without the new car), said that he couldn't bring himself to sell his car, which probably meant that they should split up, as not giving up his car meant that he clearly didn't want children. What a ridiculous, childish way to tell someone that their relationship is over!

You have nothing to be ashamed of OP. Please don't distance yourself from people who knew about the wedding because of this.

EverySongbirdSays · 20/08/2016 16:08

I will go back and RTFT in a second but I read the OP and felt compelled to comment immediately. To me this is a form of gaslighting and psychological abuse.

He proposed, but it's your fault for assuming he meant it?

Get out, leave as fast as your legs can carry you.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2016 16:08

What WannaBe said, right now. And your two mates, they know you're telling the truth. My mates aren't liars, but they sometimes partner up with twats.

Doinmummy · 20/08/2016 16:09

Look at the reaction you've had here Op . It will be the same in RL .

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 20/08/2016 16:10

Wow! what a scumbag Sad.

He says he did this to make you happy but also that your friends won't be too shocked because you were always anti marriage? And he meant it at the time but you should have guessed it would never happen?? That's very mixed up and contradictory.

I don't think anyone will be laughing either. I think they will entirely understand how painful this is Flowers

ElspethFlashman · 20/08/2016 16:11

Fucking Hell!

Shock

Definitely what Wannabe said. Kick him out and then take control of your own PR.

TheLaundryLady · 20/08/2016 16:13

Fucking hell !! How unbelievably cruel !

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 20/08/2016 16:13

wannabe is talking a lot of sense.

bananafish · 20/08/2016 16:14

That is shocking behaviour. I can't imagine how betrayed and upset you must feel.

You need some time to work out what you want to do next. Preferably without your 'partner' being around to fuck with your head.

Could you ask him to leave temporarily? To begin with, at least. He should feel the consequences of his actions. Maybe being away from his family will wake the tosser up to what he has thrown away with his stupid games.

I am genuinely sorry that he did that to you. It is plain cruel. Flowers

Lweji · 20/08/2016 16:14

It's not the wedding that's the issue, it's his vile treatment of you that's the problem.

This.

It may seem light, in a way, and not a betrayal like cheating, but the big problem is that you can't really trust what he tells you and act on it.

I think it might be possible to move on from this, but it would require him to completely open to you and bare his feelings.
He'd need to explain in detail what his motivation was to propose just to make you happy and now to withdraw it.

My gut feeling on this is that I'd put a break in a relationship with someone who doesn't know if he's coming or going with me. And that he should give you and himself space for both to figure out what you want to happen, and if you both end up wanting to stay, then go through some proper conversations (probably best in counselling) before getting back together.

QuiteLikely5 · 20/08/2016 16:18

Sorry you are going through this.

Your reaction in proposing to never see your friends again is a bit ott

fastdaytears · 20/08/2016 16:23

You can't trust him again after this.

Please talk to your friends. They won't laugh at you and they will be completely furious with him.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2016 16:24

So that if or when I say You need to leave, he is the one that got told to leave, and them his explanation to people is "she wanted marriage, I didn't, so she ended it"

You tell him that you no longer trust or believe what he says is actually true and as such you cannot be in a relationship with a man you don't trust.

That his actions have shown a blatant disregard for your feelings and caused a lot of pain - to the extent that you don't feel he's a safe partner for you. Your heart isn't safe with him and you need to protect it.

Do you see how the word marriage did not appear once in that explanation for ending the relationship.

ScarlettSahara · 20/08/2016 16:25

So Sorry OP. I could only consider coming back from this if he was apologetic and offering some semblance of an explanation and appeared genuinely contrite and mortified to have hurt me. I would have serious doubts though because it is heartless behaviour.

Take your time to think what you want OP. I would be tempted to call it a day but on a time-frame that suited me and making sure any finances were sorted. Don't worry what others think- the people that are important know you and will stick by you and the others don't matter.Flowers Wine

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 20/08/2016 16:28

He sounds like a complete coward.

I think you are right that maybe he is trying to push you to end things because he is too much of a wimp.

My ex was like that. In the end I made him say it. I knew he wanted to break up with me and he just sat there making small talk, so I told him to just say it and then he did. At the time I felt I was taking control by making him do his own dirty work. But now I wish I'd just told him to get stuffed!

Please don't lose your friends over this though. If they are true friends they won't be laughing at you or anything, they will want to support you.

His excuses are just bizarre. Most people only propose once so not having asked before is a weird thing to say! Confused

cuntishtown · 20/08/2016 16:32

Omg! Op. Wtf do you do?

Gazelda · 20/08/2016 16:36

Tell him he'd better get on with cancelling the arrangements, telling the DC and witnesses.

Then go away for a few days and tell him to make a decision.

Meanwhile, make your own decision which you can reveal to him on your return.

Assam · 20/08/2016 16:40

What a cruel cruel man, sorry op x