Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

[UpsetandDeflated]

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

WannaBe I think I would have to, I live away from a lot of friends and family so fb is a way of communicating.
But it's not just that, I'm just gutted because I only ever saw the good in Marriage, not, 'a wedding'. I didn't want churches and flower girls and speeches and formality, I really didn't. What he suggested was perfect.
I get stage fright talking officially, so what we said just sounded happy, informal and close, just us really. I said to him that for a small informal serve you choose two songs, he chose his and told me. I chose mine, and it was good.
Then this! I can't see it coming better at all, it will just get worse.
I tried on dresses and found a beautiful one that DD absolutely loved too, she came home and said I can't choose another now as that one is gorgeous. I found someone that was actually selling the same dress they'd worn I'm January online, same size and height as me so I wouldn't need to even have alterations, so I bought bid on it on eBay and got it at 20% of the price which was amazing! It's in the fucking post from Glasgow and I just think I'll end up falling apart when it arrives. I'm so fucking hurt.

*in January, and was the same dress I'd tried. Didn't have a problem buying online, as it was all low key and informal anyway, I knew I loved the dress so why pay £600 when you can pay just over £100 and it's the same?

There'd be something not quite right with you if you were NOT hurt - you poor thing {{hug}}

Is there anybody in RL you can have a good chat/cry with? A really good friend who will listen and look after you for a night or so?

I would be unable to face him right now tbh.

I think that the vast majority of people would be outraged on your behalf tbh, just like they have been on here.

You don't need to hide the shame HE should be feeling. I mean, who the fuck proposes without meaning it? Seriously, he must be deluded or really cruel.

If you want to split up, but not tell people the exact reasons, you could say that he played a horribly cruel trick on you and your dc, then tried to pretend that you were the one to end the relationship, when really he'd done something unforgivable. You don't need to give further details, or just say he promised to do something important to all your lives, then changed his mind but thought he could still stay.

It's completely up to you, but he does sound horribly self-sabotaging as the very best interpretation of his actions.

OP, you need someone to be there, to take the dress away when it arrives, it's no good for you to have to see that.

I'm not going to open it, I'm not a self torturing masochist lol. I am going to take it to the charity shop lol

God knows why I'm lol'ing because I'm not laughing, I don't want it to come. But I'm am going to pass it on because I couldn't sit burning it, far too old for that sort of demonstration. I will take it into town because someone should have it. I didn't open a payment dispute because I'd bid, it wasn't their fault, I've got a long account, and at the end of the day who wants to explain this 4 times to not pay for something?

I would hand him the dress and make him give me the cash.

I would hand him the dress and make him give me the cash

This ⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️

Right.
You were engaged
HE broke the engagement off, not "took back the proposal", he broke the engagement off.
You don't need to feel embarrassed about the people you told, HE does!
LTB anyway. He should want to marry you.

I agree with PP he sounds like a sadistic mind fuck.

A very similar thing happened to a friend of mine, years ago. Her DP of 6 years had always said he would never marry, so she was delighted when he proposed completely out of the blue, after they had gone through a slightly rough few weeks.

It turned out that he had been in a long standing relationship with her sister, who had just dumped him because she had met someone else. The "proposal" was meant to antagonise the sister and actually had no bearing on my friend at all. when he realised the sister didn't give a shit, he changed his mind about the proposal. The sister confided in her mother who told my friend. It was bloody awful all round.

People do bloody horrible things sometimes, but there is no excuse for the cruelty he has shown you and your DD.

Post your engagement on Facebook. Tag him, all his friends and family. Then when you have 100 likes and comments reply to them telling them what he's done.
Get in there first and don't let him manipulate people with his own sob story.

Then kick his cunting arse out!

What an utter fucking bell end!!!!

I'm so angry on your behalf OP.

I think you should end it.
He has ended it already I think by doing this.

Bloody hell, Upset, you are the victim of an extremely cruel act.
I don't think he could have done anything worse to inflict emotional distress.
What do you think is behind all this? I've never heard of anyone doing this kind of thing before, letting you plan and shop for an event that you didn't instigate and then pull out completely offering to leave. It's an exceptionally cruel thing to do. Utterly awful act from someone who claims to love you. What has made him do this? I presume it's out of character?
Ok, let's think. An OW? Gambling? Drink?Drugs? Mental Health?Debt?
How was your relationship prior to this? Could this have been a last ditch attempt to revive a dead horse?
Will you talk it through again with him? Would Relate offer any help for you?
If I were you, I would ask him to leave. Even if it was on a temporary basis. And I completely buy you not wishing to see your friends. Maybe in time you might want to see them, but don't stress about them now.

Sadly, the days where a woman could sue a man for compensation for promising her marriage and then leaving her are over. (Not sure it was ever possible in the UK, but Germany had laws and everything for breaking off an engagement.)

Demand the money for the dress and other expenses back, and leave him. Much easier to do so without being married!

Dear OP. This has really shocked me - the simplicity of his cruelty causing such humiliation, pain and hurt to you. You are 100% justified in how you are feeling - I cannot imagine anyone not feeling for you. And your daughter and children as it hurts them too. He really is stupid, weak and worthless. I cannot imagine how he could possibly redeem himself.

I'm very sorry to heap anymore pain on you but I have to say I had the same instinct as Wannabe. My friend was in a very long relationship with her live in partner who suddenly out of the blue proposed getting married - so they went to Vegas on holiday and wed. Straight afterwards she discovered he'd had an affair for a year or more with a student who'd got a bit stalkerish and so the proposal to get him out of a sticky situation. Within a year he'd left her for someone new. His excuse? He was really upset when her (my Friend's) mother died!!!

Sorry. Please get as much help and support as you can. Don't be ashamed to tell anyone. They will be as shocked as we are here. I personally wouldn't parade it everywhere publically as my dignity and pride wouldn't allow me to, but I'd tell anyone who I was talking to personally.

Oh and he should definitely pay for everything and be made to explain to your children and family and friends.

What a sadist bastard! You have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about, he is the true definition of a cockwomble! LTB

I am so sorry
This is such a horrible thing to happen

I am not going to suggest LTB unless you want to as I know how it is when you are so invested in a relationship and have DC together . Unless you conclude you want to LTB in your
I too think you should ask him to move out for a while for you to "think " Let's see how he gets on couch surfing !

It's a really cruel thing he has done .. Regardless of whatever else is going on
You definitely should not feel ashamed or embarrassed
He should
I am ashamed for him

Hug to you

Can you have the dress altered / shortened into a pulling frock?
I did this with wedding dress after I finally left abusive Xh
A full on night out with false eyelashes - the works

I beg of you that you do tell the whole unvarnished truth to everyone. Not one reply on this thread has been mocking or unpleasant. Every single reply has said what an absolute bastard he has been and so it will be in real life.

You do need to ask him to go and then you will need all the RL support you can get. You sound far too nice for him and I wish you well for your future which will hopefully be conducted without a cruel, lying commitment phobe wasting the oxygen around you.

The OP can demand her money back all she likes but she can't force him, just bin the twat instead.

How cruel..I am so angry for you x

Oh op

Your situation is like mine but more extreme.

I haven't had a proposal but have had three years of constant promises of 'soon' 'one day' 'next year' etc. I even got a knot ring, Which means not engaged but will be,.. but today... I got a 'never - I never want to get married' he said he'd told me from the start

I'm heartbroken so I can only imagine how you feel.

I've got a wedding to go to next weekend and I don't want to go at all. I can't face it.

Op honestly I do think you should leave him. I'm seriously contemplating it.

Make sure he tells everyone. Don't make it easy for him.

I'm so sorry op x

Despicable behaviour on his part. He needs to hang his head in shame- not you.

Op, that really is very cruel on his part. I'm so sorry he's put you through this.

I agree with a pp - he broke off the engagement, he did not take back a proposal. Unfortunately, I also think those posters suspecting he has done something wrong & tried to 'correct' it by proposing are right. He's a coward & you'll be much better off without him (as hard as that might be to see right now).

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck, however you choose to proceed.