Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

[UpsetandDeflated]

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

OP, I also think it's good for you to get in first with the truth. Your DC don't deserve to get confused messages about this situation; I fear that might make it sadder for them and more difficult for you too.

He will no doubt give them (and your friends) his version at any possible opportunity in the future, don't worry about that but he's a squirmy, disingenuous face-saver so you simply aren't going to get any karma or satisfaction from seeing him confessing his crimes....it's not going to happen.

I would suggest priorities are:

1. get an immediate support in place for you (mum, close friend etc.)
2. you then tell DC what has happened, impact and what will happen
3. get your support to look after DC whilst you inform DP and preferably arrange immediate exit, and inform all your friends immediacy before/after this
4. get your support to stay in at a later date when he collects rest of stuff
5. you can arrange contact between DP and your DCs whenever you like and are up to it, with your support supervising if/ as you wish to ensure he's not spouting shit

Just an idea. You and DC need and deserve support to help you through this, and he should be given zero opportunity to undermine this with his slippery words.

I left a really awful man once. All stiff upper lip and keeping my dirty laundry private, I was. Big mistake! He played massive victim cards all over the place and it hurt me even more (I also lost contact with a close friend as I couldn't come to terms with the fact she'd initially believed him...even though she told me not to go out with him as he was such a massive liar ).

Good luck.

I have read this whole thread and my heart is broken for you.

The language you use is really important here though, as people have said upthread. He did NOT take a back a proposal. He broke off your engagement, which automatically means (except in extraordinary circumstances) breaking up.

There's no way of him "spinning" it if you are 100% clear on the language - HE proposed, HE broke it off.

"ExDP proposed to me this summer, and we were getting married in September, but last week he broke off the engagement. I have sent the dress to a charity shop and cancelled the reception. He is moving out this week. Yes, I'm very sad - it was all so sudden and unexpected."

Don't let him take any control of the situation here by getting a chance to spin things to your children. Really you should consider having him out of the house before they get back.

Unlurking to say I'm so sorry OP.

You should tell your DC, family and friends the truth before he has a chance to put his spin on the tale - which he will.

Good luck for the future

"There's no way of him "spinning" it if you are 100% clear on the language - HE proposed, HE broke it off."

^^This

Yy to using the appropriate words: his proposal of marriage, him breaking off the engagement.

Thing is, breaking off an engagement isn't horrendous - people do it for all sorts of reasons. My OH ended an engagement with his ex fiancée because it just wasn't right between them (though he did it as kindly as possible - don't think she saw it that way, understandably)

What is bloody horrendous is that he didn't mean it in the first place, and expects that the OP should be grateful for the gesture!! That's what his friends need to know. He's an utter twat OP and I feel for you.

I think you waiting him to explain it to the kids is just going to be another nail in the coffin I'm afraid. He genuinely doesn't see an issue so he's not going to say what you want to hear.

In your shoes feeling as you do, I'd say to him pack your stuff up, and I'll explain it to the kids then you can say goodbye to them and that's us done. From tomorrow you need to live elsewhere.

Going back to my earlier comment of "strongly held principles" which some people seem to have jumped on...I was being slightly tongue in cheek, the point is that the biggest issue is not that he's changed his mind about marriage. The real issue is that he's not even sorry, he doesn't care how much he's hurt OP, and he thinks she's supposed to be grateful.

What a fuckwit. To quote a classic MN one-liner 'I hate him and I don't even know him'. So a few weeks ago he wanted to make you happy but he doesn't now? Honestly, he's no loss. And agree with others, make sure your children know the truth. X

OP I am so upset on your behalf. What an utter cunt he is.

Please don't let him try and mess with your DDs feelings by putting his spin on this as he will put the blame on you, as he already has done.

Look after yourself

There is no way this man is going to be apologetic over his actions to your DD, what he's much more likely to do is be all apologetic over your reaction to his actions, painting you as an unreasonable hysterical woman who 'unfortunately' wants what he can't give.

I know what you want. You want him to feel the pain that he's causing, but he won't - he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong.

Kick him out and tell your dd the truth, don't let him spin his woe is me tale to her.

Love, the children will hear the truth from you. You know you can't trust him, so you know he put his own spin on it if he tells them at all. You really don't want a whisper of his pov getting anywhere near them.

He will not perform for you, but let you down again.

Far, far better to tell them yourself.

I don't recall if you have said how far away your DC are, with their GPs, but could you go to them and break the news - on your terms, using your words. having previously told him to move out pronto. That way when they come home, he won't be there and they'll have time to get to grips with it before they see him again.

maybe I'm horribly vindictive but I think he should tell them
or, if he literally won't spit out the words, then you should tell them and he should have to be present to handle their questions

I once dated a guy who broke off an engagement three weeks before the wedding. In a way, I feel as if your partner probably wouldn't see the difference, - dress bought, venue booked - but I do.

I think there are times when you do something with the best intentions and then realise it's not right and do what you can to make amends. (In that particular case, he felt so guilty he had her keep the house and started saving for a home of his own again).

But in this case...I don't get it. it's like he was playing you deliberately to engineer a break up? Or perhaps I am looking at my ex with rose coloured glasses.

If you are trying to get him to be honest telling your DD, forget it. He just isn't honest and you said you don't trust a word he says now. Then don't let him tell her, he will twist events and you will end up looking unreasonable - just what you wanted to avoid.

It's heartbreaking, but you need to be strong now to avoid him doing any further damage. Tell your children what has happened. It's the only way to get them hearing the truth, before he puts a spin on things.

Keep going, you can do it! ☕️👍🍰

PS I wouldn't keep the dress either, but make sure you get the money back, by either him coughing up or selling it on. Don't bin it.

Another who has breastfed around Ireland without any negative experiences. Although I find the Irish don't do confrontation in general, so maybe they're all talking about me behind my back. I have found my own family to make the most negative remarks, but less so on my second baby, I guess they're used to seeing me whipping my boobs out at this stage. Shows the benefits of normalisation...
I do think historic attitudes to breastfeeding in Ireland (and online) come from discomfort with the female body (amongst other factors)

Sorry - completely wrong thread...

Don't let him tell the world his version of the story while you hide in the bedroom! He'll tell a story that will make you want to punch him AnyFucker style. Then you'll have to undo that nonsense story with the DD. Then you'll have to deal with DD seeing you letting the man drive the agenda when you should be modelling being as strong as fuck to her.

You tell your DD that he decided to break off the engagement while she was away. He has decided that marriage isn't for him. Obviously, he is no longer living with you. Very sad, blah, blah, hugs galore.

Status on FB that night " decided to break off the engagement at the weekend. He has moved out. Anyone want to buy a wedding dress?"

Tonight you have to tell him you've thought about what he said about you being hot and cold and you want to be completely clear with him: you want him to move out tomorrow. You'll explain to the DC, he can come back to visit and apologise to them if he wants.

I feel for you op. He is horribly cruel. I hope you can make a good life for yourself without him.

Absolutely agree with what RunRabbit says above ^. Don't let him dictate your life from here on. If you take control of the situation now, he can't get in first with his own sob story and make you look unreasonable. You know deep down he's not going to be honest with people in his explanation, that would make him look bad, and he still doesn't really think he did anything wrong, so anything that comes out of his mouth can't be trusted. Act now, otherwise you'll be left with the unpleasant task of trying to undo/ rewrite whatever version of events he's chosen to tell.

Hope you're as OK as you can be and hope today goes as well as it can

I'm incredibly anxious that you aren't taking control of the situation and are going to be swept along, helplessly, by his bollocks.

I know you can't bear to deal with this but you must. I urge you to take control back.

Tell your daughter and other DC exactly what you told us before he says anything. Please. Do not allow him to minimise this shit. You owe it to your kids. You owe him nothing. He has already told you how he feels about the whole thing, why on earth do you think he's going to say anything different to anyone else?

You sound, throughout this thread, like you see yourself as worthless and unimportant. You are a mother. Be a mother. You are very, very important to your dc and you have to show them how to be a strong, independent adult in this world. Be the strength! Fake it! But please, don't, don't, don't let him be in charge of telling folk.

He's NOT going to tell your DD a version you want. It will be a variant of what you have been hearing from him for the last few days.

Get in there first. Tell her that you've been jilted. Tell your friends that you have been jilted. Fuck letting him spin it.

And start chucking his stuff at him to pack, along with a roll of bin bags to get him started.

If you wait for him to tell him, you're allowing him to carry on dictating the path of your relationship. Take control pack his bag, tell him to get out. Tell your kids as much of the truth as you want (because he sure as shit won't!!), tell your friends the truth.

How are you op?