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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

471 replies

UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 14:09

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

OP posts:
pasic · 20/08/2016 14:26

Are the DC his?

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 14:26

Tipsy he isn't DCs biological father but has raised them since they were very small children, they are teenage now. If that makes a difference I don't know

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 20/08/2016 14:26

He's either a cruel man or a very stupid man and who wants either?

UpYerGansey · 20/08/2016 14:27

if I want him to leave, he understands ??!
WHAT a walking talking fucking dick-wad. I'm so sorry OP. Show him the door. I think your instinct that he did this so that it all blows up was a correct one.
I am very sorry. You will be ok. He'll always be a dick-wad.

Just5minswithDacre · 20/08/2016 14:27

He's either a cruel man or a very stupid man and who wants either?

Anaffaquine123 · 20/08/2016 14:28

You are definitely not overreacting. What a horrible thing to do to you and your daughter.
I wouldn't be able to trust anything he said after that. It would be over for me.
As you aren't married, are you financially secure if you separate?

AyeAmarok · 20/08/2016 14:28

That's a really cruel and horrible thing to do, designed to humiliate you.

Does he have past form for being a nasty bastard? Or is this genuinely out of the blue?

twopenneth · 20/08/2016 14:29

The whole 'if you want me to leave I understand'speaks volumes. He's getting you to end it and can then play the 'she wants to get married, and I don't' card to seem like you just drifted rather than him ending it for no reason & him being the arse. Sorry OP

Farfromtheusual · 20/08/2016 14:29

So he's never mentioned wanting to get married before and the one time he does, you're not supposed to take it seriously?? Hmm is he for real?!?

You are definitely not wrong to be upset and hurt. He's an arsehole and has no regard for your feelings. If he's sooo against marriage, surely he should of thought about this a bit longer and harder to make sure he was sure it was actually something he wanted to do before getting your hopes up and crushing them so cruelly.

So sorry you're going through this OP - am also raging on your behalf Angry

Uglycryingface · 20/08/2016 14:30

OP, I rarely rarely say LTB. But seriously LTB.

You'll never respect yourself afterwards if you don't. He clearly has no respect for you, how he's made you feel, how he's made you look in front to others. Its like a really fucking cruel prank.

Don't ask him to leave, tell him to leave. And tell everyone why! You have no shame here at all, thats all on him.

pasic · 20/08/2016 14:32

Has anything recently indicated that he might want out?

mamas12 · 20/08/2016 14:32

He definitely has to tell the dc and I would be within earshot too so that he doesn't make you look bad
He has to own this cruel 'gesture' and deal with the consequences
Please don't be embarrassed it is his embarrassing behaviour that's to blame for the break down of your trust and feelings for him
How could he!

MardyGrave · 20/08/2016 14:34

Such incredibly cruel treatment to ones he says he loves. You have a teenage daughter, it's been a long relationship.

This dramatic 'gesture' that he made does seem to have been a catalyst, do you think there could be someone else?

TheNaze73 · 20/08/2016 14:34

Idiotic behaviour like that could and would floor any relationships. You'd have to be a strong person to come back from this. Good luck

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 14:38

I wouldn't be able to trust anything he said after that. It would be over for me.

AnaffAquine this is exactly what I think.
He made a point of saying he means it, and that i probably must think he's drunk because its so out of the blue". And he said he was totally thinking straight and he meant it.
That night, and briefly over the last 2 weeks when I've booked appointments, he's known where I was going and said nothing.
Just springs it up, that he doesn't want to anymore.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 20/08/2016 14:38

You have still been a family for years and years, whether he was the biological father isn't "it" really. He has just displayed a spectacular ability to dis-connect everything that was, allegedly, of most worth. You must feel so utterly de-valued, DC too. What do you feel about his offer to leave? Do you think he means it or is it another head-fuck on his part, another whim in an effort to please you that will be retracted if you decide to action it? Chocolate

Mummyme1987 · 20/08/2016 14:41

My personal feeling is that he's trying to get you to leave him. Might be someone else but either way it's over.

Just5minswithDacre · 20/08/2016 14:43

My personal feeling is that he's trying to get you to leave him. Might be someone else but either way it's over.

I'm sorry to say that makes sense.

parlezvousfrancais · 20/08/2016 14:44

Please please leave him. He has no respect for you.

Also, this is not a good example to set to your children especially as the older one knew about it. I mean this in the kindest possible way, do not show them it's acceptable to be treated like a doormat.

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 14:45

I don't know what I want. My head is in the bin to be honest. I never asked or for it in the first place. Then he said he wanted it to happen, and I thought it sounded perfect.

Something small and just us with the kids and two friends. I'm not a big "wedding day look-at-me" person, so that sounded perfect.
It's like dangling the idea of something you want to do with someone, letting them enjoy the idea, then taking it away. Why even say anything in the first place.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/08/2016 14:49

There'd be no coming back from this me. How very very cruel. So he wanted to make you happy and now he doesn't?

I'm sorry, but he must be seriously fukd up in his head to do this.

I'd want nothing more to do with him

I'm so sorry about his nastiness.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2016 14:49

'he's said he wishes he'd never said anything, he only wanted to make me happy, but it's backfired massively, and if I want him to leave he understands.'

So he's a coward on top of being an utter cuntweasel. The only way back from this is, 'Yes, I do want you to leave, since you didn't have the balls to end this, instead you pulled this stunt.'

I would tell everyone what he did. What a fucking prick he is.

Scribblegirl · 20/08/2016 14:49

I agree with mummy and just5.

'If you want to leave I'll understand' is just code for 'I want out, but want you to do the legwork'. Just like you did with the wedding when he said he didn't know how to sort it, but if you did then he would marry you.

What a pathetic excuse. I'm sorry Flowers

beela · 20/08/2016 14:49

What a truly horrible thing to do to someone.

Branleuse · 20/08/2016 14:49

too right it backfired - backfired on everyone, not just him. He is cruel and heartless.