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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

471 replies

UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 14:09

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

OP posts:
StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 20/08/2016 14:51

How bloody awful! It does sound like he's taking the cowards way out and getting you to end it though. So sorry OP, what an arse he is.

NPowerShitShower · 20/08/2016 14:51

Kick his sorry arse out. And make sure his whole family know how shamefully he's behaved. You are worth so much more.

ZansSerif · 20/08/2016 14:53

Oh OP this is awful Brew

If he "only wanted to make you happy" he'd have gone through with the plan wouldn't he? - because that did make you happy.

Going back on it, for whatever reason, means that reason is more important than making you happy. I don't know what's up with him but I don't know if I could get past this.

TheSilverChair · 20/08/2016 14:55

I don't think I could carry on living with him.

FinnMcCool · 20/08/2016 14:55

That's an awful thing for him to do. I never say LTB on here either, but I make an exception for this.
Don't feel embarrassed to tell your friends the truth. And don't make excuses for him.
Flowers

ftw · 20/08/2016 14:56

Is it at all possible he did mean it, but has now taken massive fright? Do you know why he's anti-marriage?

If he's generally a decent bloke, I reckon (without knowing him) there's room to believe he meant it but then freaked out.

But I wouldn't be prepared to just go back to how things were before and pretend like it never happened.

Helmetbymidnight · 20/08/2016 14:57

You're not over-reacting Flowers

PacificDogwod · 20/08/2016 14:58
Shock

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

He sounds like he has some sort of cog on his emotional compass missing or something.
The only tiny thing I can think of that would even begin to justify his behaviour is if he has panicked himself a bit having made a very grown-up move??

If you are even going to consider to try and work on this relationship I would insist on relationship counselling AND some kind legal framework re. a will and what would happen if the relationship does split in the end.

Far more likely is that he is trying to make you the person a. who is the 'baddie' for leaving and b. do all the leg work (just like you did the organising of the wedding).
Wrt' I only wanted to make you happy' - that is the most cowardly and pathetic thing that I have heard weak men say before Hmm

And yes, don't keep this development as some kind of shameful secrete - everybody should know what a plonker he is.

MadisonMontgomery · 20/08/2016 14:59

You aren't overreacting - this is such a cruel thing to do. I have to say my suspicions are that he wants to end it, but wants you to look like the baddie.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2016 15:00

A decent person would never do something like this to someone they purported to love, especially this: 'And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it. '

Behave like a cunt, then expect kudos for it.

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 15:00

pasic
Has anything recently indicated that he might want out

No, we moved house which caused a few arguments but nothing major. We have been together for years and have never split up, not even for a day. It has been a solid relationship. I don't believe there is someone else at all, which makes it harder.

OP posts:
TheCrumpettyTree · 20/08/2016 15:01

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to

This. Sorry OP but I think you're right and he just wanted out all along.

alphabook · 20/08/2016 15:07

That's cruel to both you and DD.

I also think that the "if you leave me I understand" comment speaks volumes. Hardly fighting for the relationship is he?

Unless he has really strong reasons for being anti marriage, tried to make you happy but realised his beliefs were too strong, I just can't understand why he's done this. And even then, it would have to be a fucking good reason!

Becky546 · 20/08/2016 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Takfish89 · 20/08/2016 15:10

Oh my goodness what a cruel and pathetic thing to do to you are your daughter. Have you asked him directly if he did this to end the relationship? Given how grave the situation is could you just ask him directly? If this was his horrific plan then at least he knows you have his number. As others have said are you in a financial position to leave? I don't think I could come back from this.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 20/08/2016 15:12

I am going to be blunt. What a fucking cunt Shock

boot him out OP then tell everyone what he has done don't feel ashamed. It is him who should be. You need your friends to know so they can support you and help you cut holes where his nipples are on every one of his tops

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 15:12

Becky5 this is what I can't get out of my head. It makes me sort of think he's the equivalent of a more cowardly runaway groom that leaves someone stood at the altar really. Because then they know there's no way back.
This way he's done the same to me, but then also stayed and left the decision in my hands at home.

So that if or when I say You need to leave, he is the one that got told to leave, and them his explanation to people is "she wanted marriage, I didn't, so she ended it"

which would make me sound a fucking desperate woman who dumped him for not marrying me that makes me rage inside because that's not the case at all.
He's broke my heart.

OP posts:
elfies · 20/08/2016 15:18

What a miserable excuse for a person .
Whatever happens it will be a long time before you should trust him again

PacificDogwod · 20/08/2016 15:19

Yes, he's manoeuvred you in a horrid no-win situation.

Actually I am raging on your behalf Angry

My advice would be some time apart, make no decisions of any kind, and wait for the adrenalin and shock to abate. Then decide what to do with the rest of your life.
ThanksCakeBrew for you

APlaceOnTheCouch · 20/08/2016 15:23

I'm so sorry. I have no words for what he is because selfish and cruel don't even begin to cover it.
I can see how the injustice of it will be rankling too because you didn't ask for any of this. He created this entire problem from start to finish.
Flowers

Mellifera · 20/08/2016 15:23

I'd tell everyone what he did, and then LTB. He can tell people what he wants they won't believe him.

I couldn't continue living with him either, and I'm a bit more cynical and think there is someone else and he wants out. If not, he's still a cruel shit who I wouldn't ever trust again.

SweepTheHalls · 20/08/2016 15:23

He is cruel. Flowers for you

gamerchick · 20/08/2016 15:23

Sounds like he wants out and has done it in rather a cruel way. He wants you to do the dumping.

Make sure you tell everyone first what he did so he cant use the she's marriage crazy line.

SantinoRice · 20/08/2016 15:25

He can tell people that, OP, but you can tell them the truth.

If you accept this behaviour there's nothing to stop him from doing similar or worse in the future. I couldn't stay living with him after this.

gillybeanz · 20/08/2016 15:25

So he changes his mind about things he says then?

So I love you meant at the time, might not do a month later.
I'm against marriage, but I'll say it to make you happy.

He certainly isn't a keeper OP, he sounds quite unhinged tbh.