So I've found out DH is still in contact with OW

[LippyLiz]

Meant to be reconciling, which hasn't been going too bad, not perfect, but not bad. I've come on holiday with DDs. He wanted to come and I wouldn't let him. I've been having second thoughts about him (on and off) whilst away. Yesterday I was texting his closest friend whose been trying to talk sense into him. He told me that DH is still in contact with OW and he wants to be with her. He's been using a spare phone. I'm devastated. I know he hasn't seen her for weeks as she lives so far away. She was also meant to be reconciling with her DH with whom I'm in contact with. I text DH and told him it was over, no going back. Not a single response back.

I'm so confused as to why two people who were caught out having an affair would go back to their DPs and then continue to contact each other, knowing that we'd be over if they were caught. I'm so sad, everyone was right about him. I don't feel stupid, just sad

Emptynest, I'll do my best to articulate how I knew, finally that it was over, but it's hard to put into words.

I think I had a 'lightbulb' moment. I suddenly saw our marriage in sharp focus, what it had become, not what I wanted it to be.

Twenty years of marriage, three lovely teenagers. Both of us working very hard, I'd returned to teaching after a long break to bring the kids up, but we both agreed that I should return, the money etc would be good, his career had gone a bit static. I would still have the long holidays. Things changed though. Whilst he wanted me working, he wanted me to still do everything at home. So after being used to me doing 24/7 home stuff, he had to pull his weight. This caused resentment. He started coming home later and later, he became detached. I bent over backwards trying to please him. But he detached, became cold, distant. The kids were older, doing there own thing. Typical teenage angst over boyfriends, he didn't want to know. Homework, exam stress, he just avoided it all. He just did his own thing. Didn't want anything to do with family get togethers, didn't want days out, nothing. We were no longer a family. It was me and the kids in one corner, him in the other.

Two years pre-break up, I strongly suspected an OW which he repeatedly denied. I couldn't find proof but I knew. I blamed myself, tried harder and harder. I lost weight, looked awful, GP put me on ADs for anxiety. Still I kept trying to fix it.

He eventually told me that he was unhappy, and didn't love me any more. Still denied another woman. Was mortified that I could even think it. So we decided to make it work. But he did nothing, I tried everything.

Then he said it wasn't working and we should split when our twins had finished their A levels. I was gutted, still thought we could make it work.

From his announcement, he started his life as a single man, but still in the family home. It was the worst time of my life.

The lightbulb moment happened when he returned home, after two nights staying out, which he hadn't told me about.

He walked in, and sat down, like nothing had happened switched whatever the kids were watching on tv over to Sky to watch the football, and asked me what was for dinner, because he was starving.

I went bloody mad. I saw it all in a split second, the total mug I'd been. I turned the tv off, asked the kids to go upstairs, and told him it was over and to get out. He laughed, so I went upstairs and packed his bags. He went. I was fuelled by anger like I've never known.

I filed for divorce a week later.

Yes, of course there was an OW. He had been with her for over two years. Someone he worked with, his PA in fact. I'd actually bought her Xmas present from him, because he was too busy, one year, and he'd always bought his team a present. Bet they had a right chuckle about that.

I thank God for the lightbulb moment when I knew and found the anger and strength. I got me and my life back, and it's so much better than I ever thought possible.

Ah hugs Cary. It's horrible isn't it. No one can believe what H has done to me and how he's treated me. Apparently we are the golden couple. Such sadness

Cary, you must have had such a tough time, I keep thinking I can fix it, I'm struggling to disbelieve him when he says it's all over with him and OW but I have a gut feeling that won't go away and I can't insist on no contact because of work. My counsellor said it won't work unless we both try. I'm so sick of living with the constant anxious feeling inside.

LIz, everyone thought we were a strong couple too - so did I. I

Liz and EmptyNest, thank you. It's easy with hindsight. I look back and think I could have made it easier if I'd called quits a year earlier but I didn't have the strength, I just wasn't ready I suppose.

Anyway you will both be fine, you really will.

Liz, get tax credits backdated to Monday. And tell council tax, you'll get a reduction. It all helps.

That constant anxious feeling Empty! Oh yes, I remember that only too well, even the ADs didn't completely quash that. It went after he left, and I no longer needed them.

Everyone thought we were the perfect married couple, with a rock solid marriage. People shook their heads dumbfounded when we split, truly gobsmacked. My cousin's response when my aunt told her was,' Mum, if it can happen to them, it can happen to any of us'.

How are the kids Liz, are you all bearing up? Well done for being strong about the finances, you're doing well.

The kids are fine. I've always been the more relaxed parent and they've said as long as I'm ok then so are they. They love their dad but they just want me to be happy.

I'm getting such anxiety when I think of him for longer than a passing moment and whilst I was out my eldest said the home phone had been ringing for around seven times. She hasn't answered it, but it was him. He knows I don't want to talk to him and I was shaking at the thought of it.

I've spoken to work and extended by holiday leave so I won't be back till Tuesday so that's a weight off. Talking to a few people has helped and now I'm having post holiday tidy up.

I really don't want to see or speak to him at all. I've even locked the door in case he just turns up.

Don't talk to him just because it's what he wants, take it at your pace. So well done on that.

I was the more relaxed parent too, well still am. The atmosphere in our house improved immensely after ex left, more chilled, lighter.

My kids love their dad, but it was always me and the kids. My daughters knew I was unhappy, that he was unhappy, and they picked up on the tension, as did their younger bro, but not to the same extent. Although they were sad when he went, they visibly relaxed, and if I was ok, they were ok. And if they were ok, I was ok, and that was how we coped in the early days.

Hats off to you wonderful ladies for dealing with such awful men - it's hard to imagine they are the same men you met all those years ago but I guess we all change, some for the better and in their cases, the worse.

Hold your heads high ladies and look forward to that light at the end of the tunnel, it's there shining on you right now.

You have tried and that's all you can do, it's not a failure, it's a trait of strength and that strength is still there.

I hope you'll start to feel a little better soon Lippy, I've never been through it so can't comment on that aspect but you sound wonderfully strong, your kids are bloody lucky to have you. Here are some please look after yourself

Thanks Ravioli.

He's just text to say he's calling round to pick up some of his belongings tonight. I really don't want to see him but should I be here if he's coming into the home etc?

Morning liz how are you?

I think I'd bag his stuff up...and by bag I mean literally sling it in a black bin bag. As much of it as you can to negate further drips in and out collecting little bits here and there. If you don't feel comfortable you could just say it'll be on the front at whatever time. Failing which do you have a friend / relative who could come and oversee if you don't want to see him and can't face the bagging exercise.

He may push to speak to you...but you are pleasing yourself now remember not him and he doesn't get to call the shots.

I think I'd be at home, but maybe 'in the bath' or getting dressed. Pack as much of his stuff into bags and leave them by the door. If he only takes one bag, put the rest outside and leave them there. He'll drag it on as long as possible if you let him come in and root around himself. Before he comes, please get any bank statements / financial information / anything about assets etc OUT OF THE HOUSE if possible. Take them to a friend or family member (I wouldn't take them to his sil) so he can't take anything you might need. I would also draw some money out of the joint account if you have one? Does he have any cash in the house? Take it if he does.

YY to having a friend / relative there too. They can take to him if you don't want to.

Talk* it's too early

I feel anxious just reading this. I don't know if I have the heart to bag his stuff up if I'm being honest. I know that may not make sense after everything he's put me through but I'm just not that person. I'm strong enough now regarding finances and I feel angry enough to speak to people and tell them what I've done, I'm just not sure about bagging stuff up. He'd take it as my treating him badly and run with it and I don't want to give him that chance.

He has no idea where I keep financial paperwork and he's unable to access our accounts except for at the cash point. I was naive to think he wouldn't contact her but he'll be naive to think I won't take him for his / our money

Liz, are the savings locked into accounts without instant withdrawal? Can you contact the banks to freeze as many accounts as possible, aside from the ones you both need for day to day living and bills? Experience of someone in our family is that it's a lot harder to get money back from a partner who's wrongfully taken it than to leave it in situ while the financial settlement is put in place.

I would be watching like a hawk while he packs his stuff, to be honest. Not engaging in conversation, just checking that he doesn't take anything which will leave you in difficulty.

Any conversation about financial agreements needs to be shut down - tell him you'll be discussing via your solicitor. He will have a sob story to break down your resolve.

How about giving him a time limit to get all of his stuff out then. And warn him, anything left after that point will be charity shopped? Say, 1 week maybe?

My god liz he's done a number on you hasn't he!

You're treating him badly by bagging his stuff up and not wanting to see his lying face! After having an affair and sneaking around behind your back with a married woman and betraying the promises he made to you. You would be treating him badly?! Also I'd be telling all and sundry what he's done, don't cover up his shitty behaviour, he has made his choice let him live with the consequences. Why do you care so much what other people think?

He better be grateful that he's dealing with you then cos frankly I think you've been massively reasonable.

Can I suggest reading Melody Beatty. It isn't about divorce etc but I'm getting the feeling that you have people pleasing tendancies and now is the time to please you.

Morning Liz.

Arrange a time for him to collect his stuff. Have a friend there.

He is entitled access to the home, he is entitled to collect his stuff.

But you don't need him picking a bit up now, more in a few days, a bit more a few days after that. I had that, you don't need it.

Tell him to make sure he's got a van if need be because he's taking the lot in one go. Any thing he leaves will be bagged up after he's left by you and friend and left in garage or shed, for him to pick up or FIL, whoever to collect. Tell him this in a text before hand.

You can't put yourself through this more than once.

You need a friend or family member with you for support, and most importantly to scupper any opportunity he might take to talk. Preferably, if another friend or family member could have the kids whilst he's there, then even better.

You owe him nothing, make this as painless for yourself as possible. Your terms, from now.

If he tells everyone you bagged his stuff up and left it by the door, they'll immediately think "shit, what did he do!" not "what a mean cow!" People aren't stupid.

I expect everyone knows you are lovely, I expect they know he is a lazy shit, I expect a lot of his mates know all about OW. I expect you'll hear a lot of stuff from a lot of people over the next few weeks.

He's such a master manipulator but in a really non direct way, he manipulates me with his 'feelings' for me. I hate it.

We have split savings, the same amount in our own ISA's, nothing joint bar current account . He has a business (part time hobby type business) of which I am 95% shareholder, he can have the savings and his business but I want the house, which works at a split of 60/40. I'm perfectly happy with that. He won't be. He has ideas of grandeur. Wants a nice 3 bed detached house with little mortgage whilst he wants me to have this house but with £50k mortgage. Nope.

Stick to your guns Liz! So impressed by you

Ignore his words, look at his actions, they show a truer picture of his feelings for you. Words mean nothing unless the're followed through on.

he can only manipulate you verbally if you let him. And you stopped letting him, when he left.

I've text him to say he hasn't to take as much as he can, no coming back in dribs and drabs. Not fair on the girls. Reminded him his mate has cheap storage.....

He wants a three bed detached house with a little mortgage...yeah I want a farmhouse in Cornwall, that ain't gonna happen either!

Deluded fool

• has to...

I know. It's cos that's what we've got with hardly any mortgage. He's looking for equity out of the home to bump up his 50/50 split. I fairness the equity is equivalent to the money his mum (who he hated and was estranged from) left him in her will. My solicitor told me that's immaterial.