So I've found out DH is still in contact with OW

[LippyLiz]

Meant to be reconciling, which hasn't been going too bad, not perfect, but not bad. I've come on holiday with DDs. He wanted to come and I wouldn't let him. I've been having second thoughts about him (on and off) whilst away. Yesterday I was texting his closest friend whose been trying to talk sense into him. He told me that DH is still in contact with OW and he wants to be with her. He's been using a spare phone. I'm devastated. I know he hasn't seen her for weeks as she lives so far away. She was also meant to be reconciling with her DH with whom I'm in contact with. I text DH and told him it was over, no going back. Not a single response back.

I'm so confused as to why two people who were caught out having an affair would go back to their DPs and then continue to contact each other, knowing that we'd be over if they were caught. I'm so sad, everyone was right about him. I don't feel stupid, just sad

Your husband's friend doesn't want you to be in false reconciliation. He's a very decent stand up man to tell you exactly what's going on.

That your daughter saw the texts between him and her is awful. My friends daughter saw similar messages, except she also discovered she had a half brother courtesy of her dad's affair. Imagine having to tell your mum such a thing as a teenager.

My friend says that's the thing she can never forgive him for. Her DC finding out dad has a baby son.

It's just not practical for him and her to be together right now, but that doesn't stop them wanting a piece of each other through secrecy.

I fear your heart will keep getting shattered everytime you let him back in. You can't be on tenterhooks and police your marriage by looking for second phones forever.

The worse things is when the two cheaters don't stop but hatch a plan to leave in X years time (when theres no CS to pay/kids left home) Leaving their respective spouses not only blindsided, but older when it can be harder, but not impossible to start over.

The worse things is when the two cheaters don't stop but hatch a plan to leave in X years time (when theres no CS to pay/kids left home) Leaving their respective spouses not only blindsided, but older when it can be harder, but not impossible to start over.

This thought had crossed my mind.

Thank you Barbara, too many lovely ladies like you and OP, struggling at the moment, it's so unfair.

Barbara I don't think there's an easy answer to stay or go. I think as hard as it sounds it's probably easier long term to go just at the outset simply because of the shear amount of work required to stay in a relationship where there has been a betrayal. It doesn't matter how hard both parties work, and I don't doubt relationships can keep going, but the betrayal never really goes away and ithe can never be what it once was . You may not think about it everyday but things will happen, songs on the radio, even a smell and it will take you back to that time. I.e. you can choose to forgive but you won't be able to forget.

None of us can tell you what you should do, but whatever you decide make sure it is your conscious decision. Not simply one made in fear of what a future may look like without your spouse. Neither decision will be easy but sadly life rarely is x

Well we've texted today. He rang me but I had such anxiety when I saw it was him I just couldn't pick up the phone. He wants to come and get some things. Told him I'd rather he took everything. Said he will when he gets a permanent home so he wants to split finances. I'd previously agreed 50:50 if it didn't work out, that was before all this so told him solicitors would sort it. He suggested 50:50 would be quickest way to sort. Told him tough, he should've thought about that before he threw away his last chance.

I'm pissed off that he's preempted some friends by saying we were having difficulties. He's gone to them without me knowing so that when / if we split it would just look like we hadn't worked out. I've just told sister in law who was a great comfort.

I'm so sad and angry...

Too right he thinks it will be "easier" to split stuff 50/50

Do not agree to anything until you have spoken to a solicitor.

Thanks. I've spoken to one already. I know what I want and I know what he'd like. I have a lot of leverage to get what I want

Well, he doesn't get to call the shots. Shame.

Of course you're sad Liz. I'm glad you're angry.

Please don't give what these friends that he's descended on, think about your situation a second thought. It doesn't matter, and worrying what they think is a waste of your time and energy. I'm not a bit surprised that he had this lined up, he's a devious man, you will see more of his true colours.

Am very proud of you for sticking to your guns re the financial split. Well done. Your solicitor will act in your best interests and he will have to negotiate via them, so I think he's in for a big wake-up call. Small steps, but you're doing well.

Barbara, you're right, you will be miserable whether you stay or go. The only difference is that staying might mean miserable long term, and going will mean miserable short term. I never thought I would be happy again, when my world crashed down five years ago. But I really am. And happier than I was in the last five years of a long marriage.

You can do this. It's hard, but for me, the hurt, the constant mistrust would have made staying with my cheating husband even harder.

Of course they will Barbara. I'm not suggesting that there's a get out of jail by just leaving at the outset. And I'm hopefully not being too negative re staying together. Many years ago I had a friend who at the time was in her 60s, her husband had had an affair about 25 years before. She had wanted to leave but at the time she had nowhere to go and she was told you've made your bed etc. ..obviously a different time. Ultimately they stayed together. At theach time I knew her they'd been married 35 + years. Yes she loved him, yes they had a fantastic relationship. But she could still thought about that time whenever she heard a certain song. She would have admitted that she had never totally forgiven Jim for what he put her through, especially the treatment she received before she discovered the affair.

You can move forward and have a great future but it will never again be what it was before. Whatever you decide, either way, acknowledge that you're signing up for something altered, and do it on your own term. I really feel for you because it's hard either way, but if you leave you don't have to look at his face day in and day out...iyswim

Apologies, I'm on my phone and some of that is frankly jibberish.

Liz he's changed his tune hasn't he. He doesn't appear to even confirmed that he shat all over your last chance. But he wants to agree 50/50, that's convenient. The brass neck of these clichéd men is astounding. You'll be pleasing yourself now I imagine . Take literally everything you're entitled to you'll need it for your neck fantastic life

I dispair with this phone! *new. Urrggh

I'd previously agreed 50:50 if it didn't work out, that was before all this so told him solicitors would sort it. He suggested 50:50 would be quickest way to sort. Told him tough, he should've thought about that before he threw away his last chance

I am cheering for you Liz. You're awesome.

I dithered for ages Barbara, changed by mind from one minute to the next, over thought so much. Totally out of the blue he walked in one night, said something, I snapped. Suddenly I realised there was a line, and he had just crossed it. He left the same night. Caught me unaware, but I knew in that moment that he had to go.

Just because he's told people you are having difficulties, doesn't mean you can't tell them the truth. His difficulty is you not accepting he's talking to the OW. Yours are you're married to a cheater.

I think that i must be really unforgiving cos I think I'd want revenge, in a totally legal way obviously, but I would want the nastiest most aggressive rottweiler of a lawyer I could find. I just can't stand the bloody self serving attitude, it's frankly depressing that this appears to be so wide spread. Anyway, sorry for the rant, I'm just angry on your behalf liz. And Barbara I hope your husband appreciates you!

Cary, can I ask how you knew? When I found out about H's emotional affair I was totally devastated - I loved him so much and wanted so much to make it work, he let me down again and I still kept trying. He says it's all over with OW but still works with her. I just don't feel the same about him any more but same as Barbara I'm not sure if I'd be more or less happy alone. I know another affair would completely floor me again.

OP you're doing really well, you sound strong but I know you must have been through hell and fininding out he was still seeing her must be devastating, sending you strength!

Thank you everyone.

Barbara, I was the same as you, umming and ahhing over what to do, staying in the hope that things would improve. This was the final straw. I'm quite emotional today and I've taken the rest of the week off as was due to go back tomorrow. I've started looking into child tax credits which I've never applied for before.

I have a great solicitor, actually recommended by a friend who was on solicitors receiving end! I know what I want and he'll hate it. He wants my half of substantial savings and equity from the house so he can buy a large 3 bed detached home and have very little mortgage. That would leave me with a mortgage and he earns four times as much as me. His response 'that's what I went to university and worked hard for'. That just made me laugh. He's not getting my share unless he agrees to give me the house. Blackmail but it's tough