So I've found out DH is still in contact with OW

[LippyLiz]

Meant to be reconciling, which hasn't been going too bad, not perfect, but not bad. I've come on holiday with DDs. He wanted to come and I wouldn't let him. I've been having second thoughts about him (on and off) whilst away. Yesterday I was texting his closest friend whose been trying to talk sense into him. He told me that DH is still in contact with OW and he wants to be with her. He's been using a spare phone. I'm devastated. I know he hasn't seen her for weeks as she lives so far away. She was also meant to be reconciling with her DH with whom I'm in contact with. I text DH and told him it was over, no going back. Not a single response back.

I'm so confused as to why two people who were caught out having an affair would go back to their DPs and then continue to contact each other, knowing that we'd be over if they were caught. I'm so sad, everyone was right about him. I don't feel stupid, just sad

My feelings for him. I never expected him to talk about counselling, remorse etc. I know it's pathetic after what he's put me through. I should run for the hills, when really I'm meandering up them. I need space to live without drama and to get off the rollercoaster. So many emotions and things have happened each week for months. I feel like I've lived a month per week, I'm tired and need to recuperate....

He said he wanted us to go to counselling and he'd do anything to make it work.

Really?

He's denied being in contact with her before.

On seperation after dday, he took the opportunity to continue his affair.

You took him back.

He wasn't sure about going away with you.

He slowly gets back in, spending more time with you and says he wants the marriage.

You are unsure, but want to make it work

Instead of busting his backside to try and gain your trust or show anything that resembles true remorse, he gets a secret phone and takes the affair underground.

How can you trust a word he says?

The question is, did contact ever stop or was this always the plan? These two think they're star crossed lovers and I wouldn't trust him not to try and stick around while it suits him and then ride off into the sunset once the girls are 16 and he isn't liable for child support.

They resumed contact or kept it going and they now have secrets you'll never know.

He loved you so much he had a secret phone.

Last Thursday he was looking you in the eyes and lying

As he was leaving, I just looked at me. I said 'I hope you regret this' to which he said he hoped I did. I said I'd done nothing and he was the one who was texting her. He kept denying it

He was telling you he hoped you would regret your actions. What an arrogant prick.

Last Saturday he was with your DD and lying through the teeth to her

She asked him if he was still in touch with OW. He said no and that he didn't want to talk about things like that.

He doesn't love you. He loves himself. He was not bothered about any of this until it affected his cushy little life (wife, lovely DDs, lovely house etc).

It is only now that there is an impact on him that he is really really sorry, really really loves you and wants to try and have counselling.

All he had to do was not have a secret phone and be contacting OW. That isn't so hard if he loved you and wanted to make things work with you. Is it?

It bloody hurts but you can never ever trust this man.

I never expected him to talk about counselling, remorse

How has he shown remorse? What are his actions.

By suggesting counselling?

Don't confuse regret with remorse.

If you didn't tell him you knew he'd contacted the OW, you'd be none the wiser and it would still be going on, while you were in false reconciliation.

This is why I post, to gain perspective. I am so clouded with emotions by the things he says.

Yes they're all words with no actions.

I'm happier when I'm not in contact with him.

I feel as though I've been given yet another drip fed amount of info, fifth or is it sixth time.

I'm hurt that he's admitted it was him who made first contact post weekend away.and that he had a secret phone.

I'm hurt that he put his contact with her above us (again).

I'm frustrated that he thinks that just because he's told me the 'truth' (again) that he thinks we can just move forward again.

Now I'm annoyed ....

He wants to do the bare minimum to dupe you into taking him back.

All the way through this it's about him, and what he wants. Not once has he thought about what's best for you and your daughter. He continues to please himself and hurt the both of you in the process.

You haven't moved forward since he started having his affair.

You give him a chance, he blows it.

You give him a chance, he blows it.

How many times? How many chances? How many times has he seen your pain and hurt but is happier to contact OW again and cause you more pain.

Where is the love or even plain respect for you?

I just don't et it Liz

You don't seem to be in the dark about a first class prick this bloke is.

and yet, you mistily keep getting "confused" and listening to his utter bullshit

maybe you do need to give him another chance. He will shit all over you (again) and your daughter (s) will never trust you again

what do you want us to say ?

*get

about what

must proofread

I want you to say what you're saying. I can't explain it. Who can explain why anyone gives anyone repeated chances, whether it's affairs, abuse, violence, but it happens. I am trying to break my particular cycle and I look to MN for support. It gives me strength. I don't have many people in RL. I have some but they are biased toward me obviously whereas on here you don't know me so you can give unbiased advice. I may get repeatedly confused but I'm stronger right now than ever before and it's in part because of the support I receive here.

Erm... So he's lifted one cheek and Let another squeaker of truth out.

Squeak, squeak, squeak.

What hasn't he told you??.... I'm betting that what you know is the barest of bare minimum.

Well I suppose it is confusing when he declares love, while having done nothing to demonstrate it.

If he loves you, why lie, cheat, betray you and hurt you beyond measure?

Also what a shoddy piece of work he is. You say the OW is now divorcing her DH? On your H's account? So he has colluded in the wreckage of her life too.

Having wrecked her own marriage to the point of divorce, and having nothing left to lose on that score, do you really think she will sit back meekly and watch your H go back to you? No, she will be upset, doing her best to get him back, and he will be doing the love declaration act with her....then you...and so on and so on.

I know because my Dad did this to my Mum. Mum was the one who went to skin and bone, was on ADs, crying in the bathroom at night, getting through the days in misery. He would have his moment of drama, do the big declaration, and happy as a sandboy.

Stay strong OP. You know he's a dickhead. Treat yourself to being "dickhead free" no matter how much can he turns on the charm it will just end in misery again and you'll have wasted more life on him...

Sorry... Errant "can"

Morning Liz

For however long, your Ex has been living a lie.

He has had the best of both worlds, you , the girls the house, and his dirty little secret. This has fueled his arrogance, leading him to think he's invincible. I said before this man is self absorbed and very entitled.

Because you forgave him, the first time, he thought you had given him permission to cheat in the future. He probably couldn't believe his luck.

Then you decided enough! He had to step back and wake up to reality, because his perfect life was no more.

Now his lovely bubble has burst, he's looking at the bill he has to pay, and he's aghast at the price. The settlement will favour ýou and the girls. He will have to start again, he will be viewed as a cheat. He has been instrumental in the break up of OW's marriage. So suddenly he's not in quite a rosy place.

He's also seen that he can't up until now, manipulate you. This is unknown territory, so he ups his game, and you say you're confused.

It's not confusing to many of us, we've seen this and experienced it. It's boring and predictable.

You deserve so much more than him Liz.

Even this man's close friend felt he had to tell you the truth. That is very telling. A lot of men, decent honest men would have turned a blind eye here, and not got involved. But this friend took a risk because he has his friend, your ex, weighed up.

Liz, of course we only know your side, and are biased towards you. But from what you've told us, your ex is cruel, deceitful and very manipulative.

I think he will cheat again, counselling or not. There will be an OW further down the line, even if he finishes with this one.

Each time you forgive him, it's destroying another bit of you. And fueling his entitled belief that he can have it all.

You know him, yourself and your marriage. You will decide to give him yet another chance or not, that's up to you.

But consider very carefully whether this is all you deserve.

Hugs

Thank you Cary. I agree with what you have said. Having been with him for 14 years, I've always thought he was controlling to a degree but this last six months and being on MN have brought to light the characteristics you mention and I can see that what you say is correct, he is entitled, self absorbed and manipulative.

I need to be on my own with my girls. I've told him that, he then throws in the 'well I'll have to find a proper place to live' ie meaning he'll need money. I told him to get on with it.

He admitted he wasn't expecting me to say there's no going back but I did and although to some people that should've been an easy thing to say, for me it wasn't, but I did it. I felt bad, which is why I posted again, to gain perspective, which I got and i no longer felt bad.

It's 7:31 on 1st September and so far this month I've had no drama....

I know how hard a decision it is. My ex wanted to come back after three months. I still had feelings for him, but I knew that too much damage had been done and I would never trust him again. I simply couldn't face a future of never being sure if he was telling me the truth. He lied so convincingly, he made me doubt myself, it was soul destroying. But I still wavered before I decided to push ahead with the divorce. That was when I went no contact except about the kids and it really helped.

If he wants a house, then he will have to sort that. He caused this, his problem and his alone.

New month, new start! Hope it's a good one for you and your girls. X

He admitted he wasn't expecting me to say there's no going back

Because he was so sure you'd get back with him regardless. See the arrogance in that. It's like "Liz will have me back no matter what. She's going nowhere"

It does get to me when I hear MM/WH say they knew their wife wouldn't leave if they had an affair. So the consequences for them were minimal.

They didn't feel they were risking the marriage because they were confident in their betrayed wife loving them so much.

Thanks sandy. I'm not feeling that great today, I thought I'd be ok but I'm a bit sad that I've taken some steps back. Not heard from him which is good, maybe now he'll start to respect my request for space.

Indeed: with the 'no going back' thing: so from his PoV it was OK to carry on betraying you because he imagined the consequences for HIM were minimal and temporary. No matter how much he was upsetting you.

It tells you everything you need to know. You took him back once, he took that as a 'pass' to betray you once again because he assumed you would be a safe bet again. So if you take him back, he will assume he has a season ticket to fuck around.

So sorry this is so painful, but in the end freedom will bring considerable reward. Keep your eyes focussed ahead, on you and your DC, and good luck!

Hi LippyLiz I am sorry to hear about the confusion he is causing. You have responded to my posts on other threads and you have been supportive. I think the very thing you are going through is what I am worried will happen to me. I am so easily talked around. However, you are doing the right thing. To stay with him and give him another chance is what feels easier to do, doesn't it? There won't be so much upheaval? BUT it wouldn't be easier. You will just be constantly checking his phone (well, the ones you know about) and at some point this will affect how you feel about yourself - why did he do that to you, why weren't you enough, etc, etc. I completely understand how you feel and you are being swayed by him, but you are very switched on, you know what he is doing and you can see right through him. He is just putting you on the spot and it's hard to say no, but you did say no. It's easier when he is not there as he is putting pressure on you.

You sound like a lovely person and no matter what he does or doesn't do in the future, you did not deserve to be treated like that, nor did your kids.

You have not taken steps back, we are all entitled to a bit of a wobble, you are only human. I wish I had some better advice for you, but I just wanted to say we are here for you

Just wanted to say that you haven't taken a step back. Not really. You stood up to him and solidified your position (shocking his wanker pride). You have shown no weakness. Being strong isn't about always feeling strong or never having wobbles it's about being your own advocate despite how your feeling and you are doing that!

Hi 12hours you are right I do know what he's doing but yes he puts me on the spot, says the things I wanted to hear a few weeks/months ago and then confusion starts - I can be easily talked round. Although I'm managing to stick with it. I remember how I've felt and how he's treated me for six months and sometimes I have to pinch myself that this has actually happened to me. I am feeling better again this evening though. It just comes and goes, I do hate setbacks, I don't like to think I'm going backwards, but I'm going to have to accept that I'll have bad days. Hopefully he'll leave me be now so I can get my head straight, and start to fix me.

See here's the thing Liz, you need to realise that you are in control of you.

So, it doesn't matter if he gets in contact, because you have decided to proritise your need for space. So, whatever he does or wants is irrelevant.

Right now you feel that you want him to leave you alone. But you need to make it clear you are choosing space alone, and even if he swings through the window like the bloody Milk Tray man with a rose stuck up his rear,, it doesn't matter, because you are having time alone.

So if he makes contact ignore him. You don't need his permission or react to him at all.
Take control x