So I've found out DH is still in contact with OW

[LippyLiz]

Meant to be reconciling, which hasn't been going too bad, not perfect, but not bad. I've come on holiday with DDs. He wanted to come and I wouldn't let him. I've been having second thoughts about him (on and off) whilst away. Yesterday I was texting his closest friend whose been trying to talk sense into him. He told me that DH is still in contact with OW and he wants to be with her. He's been using a spare phone. I'm devastated. I know he hasn't seen her for weeks as she lives so far away. She was also meant to be reconciling with her DH with whom I'm in contact with. I text DH and told him it was over, no going back. Not a single response back.

I'm so confused as to why two people who were caught out having an affair would go back to their DPs and then continue to contact each other, knowing that we'd be over if they were caught. I'm so sad, everyone was right about him. I don't feel stupid, just sad

I wouldn't, not on FB, but I would be telling family/friends quietly exactly what he has done

why not.. l would

I wonder what the etiquette is on texting his friends to tell them we've split up because he's had an affair and is continuing to do so despite being given multiple chances?

No etiquette. Just think before you hit send. Because once you do it, it's done.

Does his family know about the affair?
I'd certainly tell them about it.

And Sandy, am gobsmacked at all the hideaways.

The lengths they go to are amazing. One woman said she was convinced her husband was having an affair and seeing nothing on his phone she searched everywhere in the house. Still nothing.

So she watched as he pulled up to the house and noticed he spent a little while from getting out of the car to coming into the house.

She realised the delay was in the porch and discovered his phone in the plant pot that evening.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this.
This happened with my parents when I was younger. My mother was having an affair with a similarly married man.
She immediately said it was over and remained at home but then started going on over night business trips and then weekends to visit old friends and then one day never came back and went to live with him.

The worse thing for me was that after we all found out, she choose us and then when she left I felt like she must have thought she made a mistake coming back to us and we weren't good enough for her.

I guess what I learnt from that and my advise to you is that it's better to know now before you got back into happy families and being extremely close again, because finding out later down the line would do an awful lot more damage.

You are better off without him, or with someone who will treat you as you deserve.

Good luck and I hope your DDs are okay too.

I'm intending to visit his brother and wife on Tuesday evening. Sister in law knows he had an affair but as far as I'm aware she didn't tell his brother. The only other relatives are an aunt who he bumps into in the pub. She thinks he's great. I'm thinking of telling her too. The rest I'll have to leave to the grapevine. I'm so hoping they're not impressed. Looking at the type of couple we are, everyone knows that we're ill matched (but we worked - for 14 years anyway). I do everything for him, he does nothing. He's unsociable, motivated by work and money, grumpy, sarcastic, needy, and generally an arse and I'm the opposite of all that.

He'll be dreading and expecting a scene tomorrow night so that he'll have something to bitch about. I am not going to give him the satisfaction. I can't. I've said what I need to say. I'm going to get that phone and take it and not utter a word and then I'm going to try and read the messages, then I'm going to ring her DH to see if he wants to know what they say. That's the plan. It has to work

So, heading home today, don't know what I'll find when I get there. Will he be home or won't he? I want him to be there so I can search for his phone and show him I'm calm but I don't want to see him. My stomachs churning and my heart has been racing all night. Won't be home until 11pm ish so got a long day ahead of me.

Whatever happens you will be ok. Remember? (((Hug))))

Don't go out of your way to tell his aunt, or others but if it comes up in conversation just be honest. Say he's leaving etc and when people ask say it's due to his affairs and lies and enough is enough for example.

I agree with you getting Support from your Sil and her h

Good luck sweetheart, safe journey and we'll be thinking of you.

I agree her h should know too.

Her H does know, it's coincidental that he text me feeling paranoid less than an hour after I found out they were still in contact. He's keeping quiet until I hopefully find the phone so they can't wriggle out of it.

Thinking of you today.
I wouldn't put anything on fb or anywhere but when you see his friends or family presumably they will say something about it being a shame you've split up. At that point you could say yes, and it's a shame he is having an affair.

You don't need to find the phone to justify your decision. You can choose to end the marriage any time you like, whether or not you see the evidence first hand. He's had the opportunity to get rid of anything incriminating now anyway - if you find the phone and he's deleted the evidence already you could doubt yourself.

You know he's had an affair. You have every right to instigate the divorce. And I would be totally honest with people about the reason why.

Look for the phone on the quiet or he'll be onto you and take it where you can't find it.
Can the OBS check for a second phone as well?

Also if you have messages from the OBS and from his friend on your phone, make sure he can't get to them. Either put a password on your phone or don't let him near it.

Many WS have gotten a heads up this way.

I s got a passcode. I won't get back from hols until 11pm so if he's still there I'll be looking when he's asleep.

Feeling so sick and anxious at what awaits me

In what way? You already know the worst don't you?

Yes, I just don't feel good at all.

That feeling is totally normal (I've been there). You are suffering with shock, coming to terms with a whole life change.

Good luck

Yes. I am in shock. I thought we were getting back on track. He was saying all the right things although I know his actions weren't quite mirroring that, and yes, I have a massive life change coming up. I feel like I'm going through discovery day again although as this is the fifth time in six months I should be used to it. This time its permanent though because I've made the decision whereas before it was his decision. That's how I know it's final and that's why I feel like I do.

The anticipation of having to face the actual reality vs what you've been told is clearly understandable.

Added to this the actual messages, the actual extent of deception, and I suggest potential contempt you may see, no wonder you feel sick,

This is his failure, not yours. He did this. He had a chance to fix it, he chose not to.

Please don't blame yourself lovely. It's all on him.

Have you told her h about the new information about the second phone?

His instincts are what caused him to message you, no coincidence there!

Liz, this time it will be different, because as you say you made the decision. This time you are in control. You can't control how he will react, but you can decide exactly how you will proceed, regardless of his reaction. Stick to your guns. You're stronger than you think. You have loads of support on here.

Safe trip home x

I'm thinking of you. The phone just represents some closure for you, I hope you get that.

Of course it will be hard but ultimately he has chosen his actions and now rather than being totally reactionary you're chosen yours. You decide enough is enough.

Start now making you happy. The next couple of days will be hard but I think in the long term you'll be absolutely fine. Counselling was amazing for me, if you can afford the time I would recommend it.

I wish you well tonight.

Thinking of you too OP

Hope you get some answers x