So I've found out DH is still in contact with OW

[LippyLiz]

Meant to be reconciling, which hasn't been going too bad, not perfect, but not bad. I've come on holiday with DDs. He wanted to come and I wouldn't let him. I've been having second thoughts about him (on and off) whilst away. Yesterday I was texting his closest friend whose been trying to talk sense into him. He told me that DH is still in contact with OW and he wants to be with her. He's been using a spare phone. I'm devastated. I know he hasn't seen her for weeks as she lives so far away. She was also meant to be reconciling with her DH with whom I'm in contact with. I text DH and told him it was over, no going back. Not a single response back.

I'm so confused as to why two people who were caught out having an affair would go back to their DPs and then continue to contact each other, knowing that we'd be over if they were caught. I'm so sad, everyone was right about him. I don't feel stupid, just sad

Thanks. I trust his friend, I know he's being truthful. I think he wants this to end also as he too is seeing a side to DH he never thought was there. DH is going to deny this as I've no proof and I'm not going to tell him his mate told me. I wish I had proof but I don't.

Barbara - I could've rung him but I don't want to. He could've text me but he hasn't. It's quite clearly over

I know you don't want to believe it, even though you do believe it.

You know his actions weren't that of a remorseful spouse, who was moving the earth to try and repair the damage he'd caused.

It's heartbreaking that he doesn't value your marriage enough.

It takes two to make it work and when the WS, is just taking the affair underground, you've got no hope.

Sandy, it's that first sentence, I don't want to believe it but I know it's true. He has to go and I need to be strong enough when he starts denying it. I have to be strong otherwise I'm letting him hurt me and DDs again and letting him hurt DDs when I know he's lying is unforgivable. Phew. Must keep re-reading this thread to remind myself how badly he's behaved and the course of action I have to take.

Let me remind you of what I said last time:

You will be ok.

No matter what happens, you'll be ok. (((( hug))))

When you feel doubtful, visualise a time in the future when the grief of the dead relationship has past and you are more content.

My friends said approx 6 mths after my split, and I found that to be about right too. Now (approx 8 mths) have lots of reasons to be happy.

You've given him a chance and he's thrown it back in your face. What an ass. I would be texting him to have his stuff gone by the time you get home. You deserve better don't let him try worm his way back in again as he wont change. Mind yourself and stay strong

hope this helps xx

I'm so sorry Lippy , what a horrible man.
My now ex-husband did the same thing, him and ow were seen out together by a mutual friend. This friend then said, tell hobbit yourself, or I will. (He knew of my suspicions)

Ex then confessed to "having feelings" for this woman. I agreed to try and work through and try to save our 27 year marriage. He agreed to go no contact. We went on holiday with our son, had a great time. One morning I woke earlier than him, and saw a message on his iPhone from ow saying how much she missed him. He had still been in contact all through the 6 week period we had been allegededly trying to reconcile. Luckily, we only had two days left of our holiday, I kept quiet and carried on as normal, although it almost broke me.
As soon as we arrived home I confronted him and he admitted he wanted to be with her. I kicked him out the next day, even though he whinged about having nowhere to go. That was nearly two years ago now, and I am happy, my sons are happy, and you and your daughters can be too. It's a hard road, I'm not sugar coating anything here, but you will be free of the worry if he is still infatuated with her.
My ex was infatuated with this woman, as I think is your husband is with his old friend. You will never have peace of mind living this life. You will be ok, I promise you, xx

I also had trouble believing what I thought I knew, as I didn't have definite proof. Just lots of pieces that pointed to the same conclusion. Time really helps here. As each day passes I see things a bit clearer and you will too. Look after yourself. Get support, talking about it helps. I found reading the website Chumplady helps get clarity with the situation.

Good luck. It seems like you have gone to massive lengths to try to preserve this relationship. You can't do that on your own of course. I hope that its smooth going forward and that your H doesn't mess you about any further.

If only one of you is working at it then let go, he's obviously checked out. You need to look out for you now,

Thank you all. I've been told where he may keep the phone so I'm going to look for it tomorrow when we get back so that I have the proof and he'll not be able to wriggle out of it. He's apparently trying to work out how they can be together which to me seems impossible. Whether I find the phone or not, he's a goner. I really need the support and appreciate your comments

Thank you all. I've been told where he may keep the phone so I'm going to look for it tomorrow when we get back so that I have the proof and he'll not be able to wriggle out of it. He's apparently trying to work out how they can be together which to me seems impossible. Whether I find the phone or not, he's a goner. I really need the support and appreciate your comments

Keep posting. We're all with you.

It's a good plan to find this phone for yourself and get rid of any doubts or they'll eat away at you.

I'm going to read chumplady. I'm so scared I don't find the phone. I need to find it so I don't doubt. He's such a smooth talker that without proof he'll say it was all down to me, and that he tried. I wish it was tomorrow night.

I'm planning to just go in, nice and calmly and go to bed. If he wants to talk I'll say not now cos I'm tired and then when he's asleep I'll go searching. That's if he's there. I've got to act normal otherwise he may suspect. I'm swaying between being positive, angry, sick and upset

Burner phones have been kept in:

Gym bags
Inside socks
In the glove compartment
Inside his toolbox
In the garage
Under the car seat
In the spare wheel area of the car boot
In the WS locker/desk at work
Buried in a plant pot outside the house
In the dog bed (under the cushion)

You may never find it. He and other WSs keep it guarded and hidden like fort knox.

It's hidden anywhere you wouldn't look and now he knows you know something he may hide it even deeper.

I think he thinks he's invincible, he's so arrogant. He's been out today with another family having a day out and on Twitter he talks about having a much needed day out. I'm so annoyed at the perception he could be putting across. I want to text all his friends.

The spare wheel in the boot is where I've been told to look. I need to find it.

Trust yourself Liz, you might find the phone but even if you don't you know the truth. Don't be put off if you don't find it. I know you said he's a smooth talker, but believe in yourself. You're doing well. Keep going. And Sandy, am gobsmacked at all the hideaways. I could never have an affair, I'd be exhausted covering my tracks. I'd forget where I hid the thing too!

I wonder what the etiquette is on texting his friends to tell them we've split up because he's had an affair and is continuing to do so despite being given multiple chances?

Not really an etiquette situation!

But I would be keeping away from drama in your position, tempting as all that is.

I put it on FB. No name calling, just what happened and how upset I was. It helped me, but I hardly post there and have genuine friends who care and came to my rescue. His family, bar parents, stayed on my FB account and were supportive to me. I acted in shock though, not sure if it looks like revenge later. How well do you know them?

Slap it all over FB and Twitter, he deserves it.

I'm outvoted so I'm moving over to the dark side!

He has no family except his brother and wife. I'll tell them because his reason for him moving out briefly was that 'we were having difficulties'. Nothing about anything.

He won't tell anyone at all. It'll be all about how we just split. He won't say what an arse he's been. I know his friends. You can count them on one hand, the others are acquaintances that he'd call friends. Honestly he's such a narcissist. I want the world to know how badly treated I've been. I don't want him to get off Scot free.

I know I can't text them really, but I'd like to