Opening up for happiness

[hareinthemoon]

We are continuing on with our 30 days (or more) NC with the past (see previous thread here ) and we are looking into the future with hope and positivity.

A little bit of trepidation is allowed also. Contact with exes is discouraged, but support is the constant.

Thanks so much for talking me down, I think it's knowing it's only a week away. Yep, wave of urge to tell him has passed thanks to you all. It will definitely open up a wound and if he doesn't respond which is quite possible as I've seen a completely different side to him it will crush me and ruin the event for me. Yes, better to let him find out another way.

I'm going to get 6 sessions of counselling from gp. My mum not empathetic and I also don't share with her, she lives close by. She doesn't know about miscarriage earlier this year. I wish I had friends like you in RL, I do have friends although only 1 single.
JennyMe- I know you know deep down you shouldn't tell him. Perhaps initially when you found out he came to mind but I'm pleased that's passed. Don't give hinted opportunity to ruin it. I think you're amazing!

Jenny - wow, well done! I think the problem with wanting to tell them things is that there is a reaction, a specific reaction we want, and we kind of know we are not going to get it, but over and over we go for the dream of the triumph of hope over experience. I don't know why. But the pull is sooo strong. I'm glad you're not going to do it.

About red flags: rather embarrassingly I was at the beach (that bit's not really embarrassing) and was all ready to go for a swim - and then realised there were red flags on the beach. (In my tiny defence I've never experienced that before) I suddenly realised - Ohhhhh that means YOU DON'T GO IN THE WATER

Doh.

Waving and Apple, sorry you are not getting support from your parents. My parents are dead - my mum died only a couple of months after my wedding and I had an odd moment in my break-up when I suddenly realised I was an orphan and mourned her all over again. It was weird.

Hugs to you hare. Re my mum, it's not her fault just just isn't capable. I need to be stronger there. I'm out tonight with a friend, going to try to enjoy myself but I know it's going to make me think of him.. Especially because we are going place I've taken him to.

Thanks Apple. I think the same thing about my XH as you do about your mum.

I don't know how you can make yourself stronger by wanting to be - it is hard to be strong! My mum was 12000 miles away when I was having a miscarriage but it made a massive difference knowing she was there. I think it is a very hard thing to go through without that support, hugs to you too.

Although if it helps, my ex boyfriend (not XH) was visiting while I was having a miscarriage, and sat outside the bathroom door while I was having a sad and painful bath, telling me what a shit day he'd had. He knew why I was in the bath too.

I think there might be a pattern to the men I choose....

Ok ladies. I've had a drink but I'm thinking about you all. I want to thank you for your strength, you're doing so well. Keep on keeping on. I'm on a night out, trying to enjoy myself, the beginning of my new life...

I hope that the thread has gone quiet because you're doing so well. Thanks Hare. You know, my mum is around the corner, but may aswell be 12,000 miles away

Apple I hope you have a great night out. I'm really sorry about your mum. Parents, and especially emotionally absent ones, can create real issues in your life, that are really difficult to work around. I hope you find ways to get the care you need.

This week has been really hard for me and I'm hoping for better...aren't we all?

Thanks Hare, yes, I'm over the wave of wanting validation from him, I don't need it, I can get it from myself and people who actually care about me.
Apple, I hope you had a good night out, I think even when it's a bit uncomfortable it still moves you on a little bit.
Family relationships / messages they give you definitely have an impact. I'm looking after my mum this week whilst my dad and sister are away. Despite her being mostly emotionally unavailable (as a teenager when I said she wasn't emotionally supportive of me she told me I'd watched too much Oprah Winfrey), I think my fathers negativity and criticism has had a significant impact. I'm glad that I'm addressing that now but at the moment it's making me distance myself from him as I realised I haven't even said goodbye to him for his holiday today. I realised I've also naturally distanced from my sister at the moment too as she is a really magnified version of my lack of self esteem and boundaries (as a result of the same upbringing) but she'll never address that.

I downloaded the Nice Girl Syndrome book, thanks for the recommendation. I had to smile an ex-b told me I was the nicest girl he'd ever met right before he ghosted me.
Thanks for all being here with me, I too wish I had friends in RL to talk to like this.

It would be fascinating to meet you all one day when we're in our great places.

Morning all. A good night and met the most amazing lad to talk to, have a dance with, have fun with. Resulted in me dtd. Cannot believe it has happened and feel numb and strange. It won't go anywhere as he lives the other side of the country and is younger. To top it off I surprisingly had a text from my ex, saying hope I'm doing well and he's having a weekend with his daughter.
Oh dear..

Waving, i can't say I feel better. I feel strange. It doesn't take away the feelings I have for my ex. It should boost me in a way as this lad was absolutely gorgeous and found me gorgeous too but I want my ex.
Sorry you're having a bad day. Not sure there is such a thing as 'normal' I would think if I had experienced what you had then I'd be extremely hurt/ traumatised. I don't think you want him back you just think you do. It's like torture at times isn't it..
Sometimes I think you need to not fight the thinking about them. Allow yourself a certain amount of time per day to reflect? Easier said than done.

I think in time you'll probably figure out your own version of what happened and come to terms with it. Does sound a rebound sadly as I think I was. He must have been v confused himself, just watch out he doesn't come back.. If he did, do you think you have to strength to say no?
I now regret last night but these things happen, not the way to go for me.. Need to work on myself.

Glad you got out and had a good time Apple, it's very difficult to know decisions to make when you're inbetween still.

Waving, I'm struggling a bit with knowing where my balance is between being busy with other people and being alone but trying to avoid taking a mood dive. I'm quite an introvert but know that I can become too introverted and isolate myself. I've been out for a lovely walk with a friend (who has never been in a relationship) and I realised when we were walking and talking that for him to go from no relationship to being in one as he wants to is probably as big as me going into another relationship having had so many. I've had 8 previous relationships (of types) with men who were either unavailable or who I didn't really like so I was unavailable. For me to now go into a relationship that is as right as it can be means I need to be on a whole different wavelength and have a completely different set of thoughts, feelings and openness to life.

I am back on day 2, I called him and then I hid away from here because I was embarrassed, but, I feel stronger for it because he spent the whole time telling me how hard his life was (seeing a pattern through this thread) so I have blocked his number again, am avoiding social media and have joined a dating site, the last one terrifies me but if I don't try I'll be stuck always thinking he is my only chance at love, and he absolutely is not. Onwards and upwards!

Morning. I felt worse yesterday but strangely feel a bit better today about ons. That's all it was but it has without doubt moved me on. I feel weird. Slept through but had strange dreams about my mother telling her how I felt and making her listen.
My ex sent me a text Friday just saying he hopes I'm doing well and is thinking about me. What do I take from that? I replied with the same.
Waving- I think I'm like you, get energy from others and I have the same problem when I'm on my own, I think too much, overanalyse but I do spend a lot of time alone.
Yes emotions/moods can shift multiple times in a day. Mine aren't shift as quickly as they were so are becoming a bit more manageable. The anxiety is settling down too.

Waving. I totally get where you're coming from I'm learning now what I perhaps should have in my 20s but was in a relationship/ married from 20-34.

Flurple, I'm glad you came back. I've probably done far more embarrassing things trying to get this guy to keep seeing me than you've done by making contact so really don't worry.
I'm glad everyone is gradually feeling better. I've been out the whole day and realised I hadn't thought about him all day until I was driving home. It's no longer with any physical feeling, I just think 'oh yes, we don't see each other anymore'.
I was reading a few articles on the stages you progress through after a break up which I think helped. I'm gradually realising there's a whole world out there beside him.
I keep thinking I'll delete his number at the end of the month but at the moment I don't want to see anything to do with him.

Waving- when I got home from holiday I had 2 days of crying, not sure why now, perhaps the realisation of coming home to a new life. I hope you have a better return. You also have the chance of seeing your ex whereas I don't due to distance. Are you going to arrange to get your clothes back? Did you manage to stay off Twitter?
JennyMe- big progress. I had a bad day yesterday, but not as bad asvthecorevious bad days, no crying.. If I think of ex with someone else I get a pain in my chest. Strange how I got the one off text on Friday, saying to have a good weekend but sent at 12.50 am? Perhaps he'd had a drink?