Opening up for happiness

[hareinthemoon]

We are continuing on with our 30 days (or more) NC with the past (see previous thread here ) and we are looking into the future with hope and positivity.

A little bit of trepidation is allowed also. Contact with exes is discouraged, but support is the constant.

That's a very good film clip.

I've been on both sides of that so know it never works out.
Waving, I think you were saved by Twitter.
I found out who my estranged husbands new girlfriend was (I wouldn't have minded if he hadn't been asking me to go back to him and we had arranged to meet up on our anniversary) on Facebook when I saw a friend in our garden and him on holiday with her (she was my friend on Facebook too). That absolutely ended any thoughts of going back. She's left him now but I did message her to ask when he'd be back as he'd asked to meet me to discuss reconciliation.

Hareinthemoon. I know what you mean re the state of shock, it seems to come over in waves. I'm feel a bit further forward today, getting my head around it being over.. Sometimes it doesn't feel real.
Waving- thanks I hadn't considered nytol..
A big red flag for me now is a partners attitude towards mental health. No one should question it in a derogatory way. I remember my ex referring to his ex mother in law as 'nuts' as she was suffering from depression. If that happen in future, for me personally, I'll run for the hills.

Hi girls, someone recommended this threadf for me as im really struggling with my brewak up. Uts been 6 months and i still cry and have panic attacks.has anyone elses ex just cut them off? In my previous relationships wgen they ended the ex would always stay in touch, apologise or try get his way when drunk but this one just completley cut me out of his life for months. Until he randfomly sent me links through facebook to a movie thats coming out that i wanted to see... Then a month laterr i was tagged in my fave song. Wierdos men.

Welcome user. It's me who directed you here vits gone a bit quiet. Yes my ex has cut me off but it's only a matter of weeks for me.
I've felt numb, broken down a few times, been up and down, it's hard. How long were you with ex?

Feeling low again tonight, now the anxiety is settling I'm remembering lots of nice things. I miss him but I have to remember the red flags too. Just off loading, it will pass but I'm sad. I also feel lonely and am obsessing who he is with

Welcome user. That is manipulative behaviour from your ex. It makes it so hard.

Apple I've had a truly dreadful few days, so down and sad. I hope you feel better soon. Sometimes it seems you can't escape - if you remember the bad things you feel angry and like a fool and if you remember the nice things you feel sad. And the jealousy is utterly shit as well. I've started to think that it's not even about them any more, it's just an addiction to going over the feelings time and time again. What to actually do about it I don't know.

I was reading somewhere that although time is a healer, it's what you do with your time that helps.
This evening a friend asked me to help with something. I didn't want to go out but made myself and actually laughed the whole evening about how wrong the job went. I didn't think about 'him' all evening. I've got to keep doing different things and then eventually when I'm ready to meet someone else I think happy times with them will replace residual thoughts of him.

Well I'm back because I can't sleep again. Just this awful feeling comes over me..
Hareinthemoon. I totally agree. It feels like an addiction and it isn't healthy but there seems to be nothing I can do to prevent it. I'm thinking too much something he criticised me for and I'm feeling bad for it.. I also know he won't be jealously truly awful. I feel utterly rejected. I also feel bad for the way I reacted.
JennyMe you're so right. Glad you feel better. I need to widen my social circle somehow/ do something different.
Morning waving, when do you return from holiday?

Morning, well at least I got back to sleep. It's like deja vu. I'm back to work next week which I'm hoping will help. I can't seem to 'shake him off'
I understand waving, we're forgiving perhaps the 'nice girl syndrome' .. Chances are if he was so horrible about ex then went back he's got big issues. Thank the Lord it has happened now and not years down the line. The boundary issues, perhaps learnt from your mum if she's suggesting you go back.
Hope you're feeling better now and have a better day. I really hope these feelings pass. I need to think of me not him.

Good morning, this is the self confidence exercise I've been doing every morning.
Sorry, to read you're having sleep problems. It can make things more difficult. I think I had my share of sleepless nights when I was with him instead.
I think it's a good thing we all are having this experience now and not years down the line too. As much as I didn't want his to happen, I think for me it had to or I could have spent the rest of my life in painful relationships.

I really am The Dreamer that Natalie Lue talks about, much of my last relationship was just me living in a fantasy world and not accepting the reality of it.
I can understand Mum messages.
I've been thinking lately about the lessons learnt from my parents.

When I was in my first marriage and had huge problems, my mum told me it's best to just ignore it and get on with life!!!!! No wonder I've had so many problems when the lesson was it doesn't matter how you get treated, just get on with it.

I've realised I've got a friend, who although is trying to be helpful isn't always giving me good messages. He's told me to just 'forget this guy' which isn't as simple as that and I think processing what's happened and working through it is better than just trying to block someone out your head which doesn't work. That's men for you and how they deal with life.
In the last two years, I've let so many other men infiltrate my life as well and I realised that I let them do it and I've had enough. I've let a few men (who want to try and be more than friends) do all kinds of things around my house / in my life thinking they are trying be helpful but they're also trying to take control, arrrgghhh

We do. I need to have to confidence and support to do this. I've kept myself very stable since exh left in 2009. Stayed in same house, same job. He has bought a new house with new woman. I'm still in some ways stuck in the old life. I've no idea how to escape and at the same time work, look after son etc.
I really need to work on myself and what I want out of life and hopefully along the way someone will come along when I'm not looking and I'll feel better about myself. No idea how I start by the way, but know that's what I need to do.

Natalie Lue as a website called Baggage Reclaim, I've found it really useful as a starting point as to what my standards should be.

I'm trying to talk some sense into myself so I need you all to tell me not to do this. I've made it through to the finals of a competition and 'he' was actually really supportive of me entering and helping decide what I should enter for the competition. Next week I'm going to the finals (in front of 1000 people or so I'm told). I feel so sad that I found out I'm in the finals since we went NC so I never got to tell him (although he could look up results online if he was really interested) and today I found myself thinking maybe I should email him and tell him I made it through. I guess I just wanted him to know how well I did (and I suppose get a bit of revenge) but he might have moved on so much in life now that he's not remotely interested. All of a sudden this thought came up, I mustn't do it. It's a really really bad idea to tell him so I'm telling you instead.

JennyMe- don't tell him, don't open up the wounds. It won't change anything and it could effect your performance. Be proud of yourself for you. You don't need validation from him. Congratulations

Waving- parents divorced when I was young. Strained relationship with mother, we are so different but good relationship with dad. They have their own lives and sadly don't take much interest in mine. I'm on my own there!