Drunk husband will he stop?

[Yellowjumper47]

My family (2ds aged 5 and 6) and husband went to first football game today. Dh got so drunk so fast that by the end of the game I was embarrassed of his and the boys behaviour. So cross I left. He was encouraging boys to shout offensive things and we weren't even in the right area - posh seats. Everyone staring at us. I tried to discourage boys and he egged them on. In the end I left as just a short walk home thought it would be okay. But as I sat at home waiting took them and hr to return. Boys were distraught. Dh had been falling over all the way home it took them an hour to come maybe 200yds. He then collapsed in the hall way and poor children confused. I'm devastated, embarrassed and confused. He has form with drinking but we had troubles and I thought they'd gone now I'm scared am on Rocky road again. Sitting waiting for boys to fall asleep as they're confused and upset. Not really sure what to do. Also feel horribly guilty that I left but I know I couldn't have easily stayed without him verbally abusing me and hadn't realised quite how drunk he was.

Yes but you also need to do it now - not in a few weeks or months. After what happened he can not have unsupervised contact / be at home looking after the children. You need to either arrange childcare as in today or take time off work. With the DV history you should be able to get a non mol and an occupation order and given that you are the main earner and not financially dependant it should be reasonably straight forward. You will need a solocitor asap (womens aid usually are good at suggesting ones specialised in the area). Do not get roped into supervising the contact.
You need to keep the children at the centre of this and be protective starting NOW.

I feel like you're going to talk yourself out of it, though.

I don't mean to put pressure on you but your thinking has been so skewed. The only priority right now is the safety of your dc and you.

What do you think he'll do if you tell him you want him gone?

Listen OP

Attila is so right: I had the same crap projected into me: I'm the abusive one, everyone's on eggshells around me blah blah. Was I perfect? Nope but I'd become grumpy and irritable and on tenterhooks most of the time in response to HIS behaviour. It's what abusers do.

Start collecting evidence. Start making plans. Do not let him know.

You can do this

Oh and the 'idyllic' part? That's called 'hoovering' - it's an illusion. Don't buy it.

The man who is fobbing off your concerns, who is stonewalling you, who is kitchen-sinking, gas lighting and projecting onto you, who is shoving all the responsibility onto you? That's the real him and that's not love and it's dangerous.

He won't go he'll say if I want it to be over I have to leave so I have to find the money and a place and support for children and keep my job whilst I'm doing it.

And he won't give up custody and he'll deny all

Can you get time off work paid or non paid and go somewhere with the kids. Refuge would be ideal because of level of emotional and practical support. In the meantime you can apply to court for interim orders. It is close to payday can you open new account that he has no access to and get your salary and whatever is in your old account moved into that.
I also woeey you are trying to talk yourself out of this. Are you at work today and went to al anon at lunch time? Where are your children. Leaving him with him is emotionally abusive and dangerous.

If I'm not careful Ill lose everything

My MIL here tonight for 2 days.

Not trying to add to your ptessure but have you taken into account that this is a fairly high risk child protection scenario.
On a child protection register this would read potential physical abuse, confirmed emotional abuse, confirmed neglect.
Those can and frequently are grounds for removal of children into care unless one parent is seen to be protective sort of sharpish.
I know you stated your belief social services will never find out but that only increases the risk to your children.
You really have to prioritise their needs here and at this point their absolute need is to be protected from further significant harm.

What help, if any, is she?. How aware is she of her son's alcohol problem?

Yes it's a horrible realisation that you could lose it all. I have been in a similar position with exh stay at home carer (although dc in school and I did everything.) I saw a solicitor who said I needed to divorce him asap as he was in a strong position and I regret not listening as I left it another year by which time our relationship had completely broken down and he got nasty. He tried to screw me for every penny and the finances had to be dealt with by the courts.

As dc were school age he could have worked but just didn't want to. I would have been far better off with him working.

Don't do anything until you get advice as everyone's situation is different.

I understand all of your worries you have trust me I am building the right structures around us. I don't want mid night flip to a safe house I need a calculated response that includes safety security and a future for all of us. I am now putting things in motion. I already control the money there are some other things to consider but rest assured there is no going back.

This won't be solved overnight.

Mil means we're safe. She's aware he drinks too much but thinks it's currently under control. I suspect she won't take sides if we split she has no sympathy for this behaviour from personal experience but he will be on good behaviour.

Boys will love it too she is very calm and loving

Keep a diary of everything.
Take pictures and videos of him when you can.
Keep it all safe somewhere.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
If my OH was sick all over the bathroom floor then pissed all over the bedroom he'd be feckin' gone!
Gross!!!!

"this won't be solved overnight"

Are you referring to his alcoholism in the above sentence?

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only start to happen when you decide to extricate yourself fully and completely from your marriage. It will not happen before that time.

I agree one hundred fold. The alcoholism will never be solved but my extrication with boys needs structure and proof or I will lose custody, my home and most of my income.

Are you going to tell his mother what happened yesterday i.e. all of it and not a sanitised version?.

He cannot control his drinking and its been a mistake to think at all otherwise. She needs to be told the full extent, do not enable him more by covering for your H. The alcohol is controlling him rather than the other way around.

Alcoholism is really a cruel mistress.

Yellow - I'm glad Al Anon was helpful today - I hope you continue to go. But please talk to Women's Aid and a solicitor too.
Your husband is not just an alcoholic - he is abusive. He has hit you, he's gaslighting you now and I bet there is a long history of him behaving like this.

Please get advice from an organisation that is expert in supporting women experiencing domestic abuse.

You need clear and concise legal advice from a Solicitor re your current situation. I think you could well find that your own legal position is stronger than you think it is.

Womens Aid can also point you to Solicitors as well. Please call them today.

I have decided to extricate it's a question of how I don't think people realise how precariously I'm positioned legally. My smelly carpet and a mumsnet feed is not enough evidence of incompetence considering how much he could provide to the contrary about me being at work and him being Mary popping in shorts.

But what about the children in the meantime? Will he have any form of unsupervised contact with them? Is your Mil complicit with him? He can not be left to care for them during working hours, be allowed to take them out etc. And if your Mil is your safety net she needs to buy into this and accept your concerns.
I really think your situation is so acute that you have to act quick and ignore possible financial implications. The children are young and frequently left with someone who does not have the capacity to appropriately supervise and who knowingly puts them at risk. And the situation has changed since yesterday in that you are now aware of that.