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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunk husband will he stop?

231 replies

Yellowjumper47 · 14/08/2016 20:59

My family (2ds aged 5 and 6) and husband went to first football game today. Dh got so drunk so fast that by the end of the game I was embarrassed of his and the boys behaviour. So cross I left. He was encouraging boys to shout offensive things and we weren't even in the right area - posh seats. Everyone staring at us. I tried to discourage boys and he egged them on. In the end I left as just a short walk home thought it would be okay. But as I sat at home waiting took them and hr to return. Boys were distraught. Dh had been falling over all the way home it took them an hour to come maybe 200yds. He then collapsed in the hall way and poor children confused. I'm devastated, embarrassed and confused. He has form with drinking but we had troubles and I thought they'd gone now I'm scared am on Rocky road again. Sitting waiting for boys to fall asleep as they're confused and upset. Not really sure what to do. Also feel horribly guilty that I left but I know I couldn't have easily stayed without him verbally abusing me and hadn't realised quite how drunk he was.

OP posts:
Footle · 15/08/2016 10:52

Is it possible his drinking was already interfering with his work , so it influenced his decision to stay at home ?

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 10:59

No on work. We had no children then. He just did all his drinking in evenings/weekends.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 15/08/2016 11:03

He can earn money and he can pay the mortgage. I'm still on my ex's mortgage but I don't live there so don't pay it, I pay rent on my own place. It can be done, you could get help with childcare and receive benefits.

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 11:08

He hasn't got any chance of affording the mortgage. But I take the point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 11:09

Benefits is not an option.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 15/08/2016 11:10

Well make him go. Can you work things out to see if you could manage the mortgage? Get advice as to where you stand with benefits whilst paying a mortgage.

Kr1stina · 15/08/2016 11:11

Please go to al anon . You need help and support to see the reality of what's happening .

I get that it's confusing and upsetting because we are all here challenging your core beliefs about your life .

We say - you and your kids are not safe, you need to get out .

You say - but we have this idyllic middle class life, I have a professional job, social services, womens aid and the police are not concerned about people like us

We say - your kids are scared of their father

You say- the kids adore their father

I know that none of this makes sense .

BTW he's not just a drunk, he's a clever and manipulative drunk . You need legal advice

loveyoutothemoon · 15/08/2016 11:14

I couldn't stay with someone like that that doesn't acknowledge a problem so huge. If he can't afford the mortgage on his own can he stay with family or friends until he sorts himself out?

PrettyBotanicals · 15/08/2016 11:21

Then it's time to assess what your options are then.

He hadn't apologised because he clearly wants to blame you for driving him to drink and not supporting his 'weakness.'

It's part of the pattern around alcoholics and dysfunction and if you have counselling or read more on the subject you will see the roles everyone plays.

You don't have to. You can leave.

Your children can't leave though.

You leave them in the care of an alcoholic each day. He's just fallen off the wagon spectacularly, publicly and with no remorse whatsoever.

They will learn that this is normal.

Have you asked him to leave? He needs to want help. As long as you are enabling his minimising and denial, he will have no reason to. You need to remove the comfort and crutch of his life.

If he agrees to get help, what are the options? Can he go to his parents? Do you have health insurance that would cover addiction treatment?

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 11:30

He won't do anything he'll let me so he can blame me. If I've learnt nothing in our 13yr relationship it's that.
It's crept up on me. I didn't believe it happened to people like me so I just decided the problems were my fault. Not really had another serious relationship in my life.

OP posts:
PrettyBotanicals · 15/08/2016 11:57

It happens to all sorts of people.

A friend of mine took me to meet her father who'd been sitting in the House of Lords.

The lift opened and he fell out, Trousers soaked.

It's not a discriminating disease.

And a clever aspect of relationships with addicts is that the other person (you) will always have the quiet fear that is is all their fault.

It paralyses you into never actually slinging them out or doing what's necessary to protect your children.

They live to be the victim. They'll manipulate you into making the difficult decisions then they'll find a rescuer who'll say 'she WHAT? Threw you out and kept you from your kids? Come and live with me till you're back on your feet' and so it goes on.

You have the power to break the cycle,

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 12:14

I'm waiting outside al anon. I really want my mum. She died two yrs ago and know she would be brilliant. Feel very alone.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 15/08/2016 12:38

Really feel for you OP. You are doing the right thing by trying to get help and change things. Flowers

madwomanacrosstheroad · 15/08/2016 12:51

Have not read all posts, so if somone else has already stated what I am going to say, sorry.
You say your kids adore their father and prefer to be with him. I am wondering if there is a role reversal and they feel a sense of needing to be there in a caring and or supervisory role and hypervigilance as they are exposed to domestic violence. Even if he has not hit you recently and all the time, it is clear that DV and the fear of DV is a defining feature of the relationship.
You need to get them out of that.
Given your history you should be able to get both a non mol and an occupation order.
Your first priority is to protect your children. The rest does not matter at the moment. Loosing home, refuge, benefits etc are much better than this situation. Can you take time off work while you try to arrange things? This is child protection, not a rough patch in a relationship.

Waltermittythesequel · 15/08/2016 13:56

You're not alone. Keep posting.

PrettyBotanicals · 15/08/2016 14:18

You need to be really really strong now. What do you think your mum would say to you if she was with you?
Flowers for your bravery

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 14:20

Al anon was good cried a lot and gives a chance to work out what behaviour I can change and allow me to start working out how to physically change the situation in a calm way to keep the children at the centre of my thoughts. A lot of complications in next few weeks especially. One day at a time remain calm and kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 14:22

Start to detach. Try to set a good considered and thoughtful example to the boys who are so confused by the chaos that I am essentially running away from when I go to work. Used to think when I'm not there it's all good well that has clearly now changed

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2016 14:29

I am very glad you went to Al-anon; keep on attending their meetings.

SpaceDinosaur · 15/08/2016 14:37

As a child who grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who worked to maintain our "perfect family" appearance. You have no idea how much the drinking, the manipulation and the chaos is affecting your children.

You are not running away to work every day, you are supporting your family. Unfortunately, your husband is manipulating you into believing what he wants you to believe.

tipsytrifle · 15/08/2016 14:40

With a very pressurised job he is their source of security not me.

This is erroneous thinking. You are their safety and security. He has demonstrated this utterly on his latest bender. Please try to accept that this is NOT your fault. None of this is your fault. You're minimising the violence and his attempts to turn it round on you. Whatever you do in the next few weeks please work on accepting that it's YOU your sons need most. I don't know if it's possible in a child friendly way to tell them that dad is not ill, as such. Maybe so, maybe not - but it isn't their responsibility to hang around with him, guarding him, til he recovers consciousness having collapsed in some unknown street. Perhaps they could be told to phone the police if this happened again?

You really really need an escape plan. You will cope. It might not be easy but, as Waltermitty (i think) said, it won't be harder. Because believe you me, this will get harder on its own. He's only not attacking you physically because he's worn out by his booze intake. Sooner or later he will surpass this.

You're actually in quite a dangerous situation yellow. I'm sure you know this and I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 14:41

Just need time to organise finances so can separate with least drama and chaos.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 15/08/2016 14:46

I have fingers and toes crossed for you Yellow. Might be worth phoning Women's Aid and seeing a solicitor too? Check out all the implications and possible plans? Can you make sure he has no access to money that is yours, as in if your wages go into a joint a/c then re-direct them to one in your sole name? Chocolate

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 14:47

I need to create a new household not just a new carer to make this work properly. I need him to not know I'm about to go or he'll sabotage I need to ducks in a row.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 15/08/2016 14:59

Totally agree that he must have no clue as to what you're planning! You have your energies set on the right focus and I'm sure you'll get out of there as soon as you can. Please be very careful! Much bluffing coming from your corner in the next few weeks I imagine. You can do this.