Are they having an affair?

[HoneyBeeMum1]

I find myself in a difficult and lonely predicament and hope that the Mumsnet community can advise me.

My husband, who I will call Mark, and I have five children. The oldest - a boy - is 18 and due to leave home for university in September. The others are girls aged between 4 and 10. My parents are no longer living and I am an only child, so my husband and children are my only family.

Mark is a successful professional and provides a very comfortable lifestyle for his family. We have been married for 20 years and I have not worked since the birth of my son nearly 19 years ago.

Two years ago we moved from our home in London to a beautiful lochside house in a remote rural area of the Scottish Highlands. Mark works from home most of the time, normally visiting London on business two or three times a year.

Until recently, I was happier than I have ever been and considered myself most fortunate. Our home and lifestyle seemed perfect. I work hard to make a lovely and comfortable home and to keep myself as attractive as possible for Mark. I am in my early forties and realise the importance of not letting myself go. I am a slender size 10 and always ensure that my hair and makeup are perfect.

Mark is the love of my life and we and the children are such a close-knit unit that we have never felt a need for friends outside the family. Apart, that is, from the friend I will call Gina.

Gina and I have been friends since we were in primary school. She and I were together when I met Mark and for a few years she dated one of his friends. Gina still lives in London, but has stayed with us in our new home twice since we moved here. She is the same age as me and although quite pretty, she is a stone or two over weight. I have never considered her a rival for Mark's affection.

The last time Gina visited, she was due to stay for a week, but ended up staying for two weeks. On the last evening of her stay, I observed Mark and Gina by the loch in what appeared to be an intimate embrace. Neither of them is aware of what I saw.

Since that evening I have been in despair. I keep trying to convince myself that what I saw meant nothing. However, in the five months since Gina returned to London, Mark has been 'away on business' six times. Sometimes he has been away for more than a week.

I dare not confront either of them with my suspicions, but I am terrified every time he goes away that he won't come back. I am so afraid of losing him that I am even prepared to turn a blind eye to his infidelity if I have to. I am afraid that if I confront Mark he will leave me for good.

When he is at home he is his usual self, a loving and thoughtful husband and father.

Please tell me what I should do.

I hope he told you why they were hugging. Glad to hear your mind is clear. It's awful when it's the two people closest to you.

At the point I read about "not needing outside friends" alarm bells went off in my head.

Everyone needs friends; you cannot rely on one person to be all and everything to you.

I sincerely hope that nothing is going on but for your own sake try and carve a life for you. Not good to spend your whole existence spinning around one person

Will you speak to Gina about it ?

It sounds as if you've made a really big leap forward in feeling able to talk to your husband about things that you've worried about and found hard to broach.

Obviously from the outside we can't really know the reality of your relationship, but your description makes it sound somewhat emotionally distant, and there are odd gaps in your communication (like not having discussed the big change in working pattern until now when your husband has started travelling a lot more for work). I really feel for you and hope that it works out for you.

The contrast between the anxiety of your first posts and the optimism of your latest update really strikes me.

If it weren't for the hug that you saw, would you have had any worries about the state of your relationship?

If not, then I can entirely understand your accepting whatever explanation your husband gave. If, however, you would have concerns anyway, then please don't feel you have to plaster over your intuition or put a brave face on just because you've had an explanation that seems reasonable.

firstly I think you may out yourself with the information you have given.

Do you have access to his phone an laptop as he will probably deny anything unless you have proof, from experience that's how I goes.
You need to do some snooping.

I am posting an update for those of you who are interested:

1. Gina stayed with us for nearly two weeks and returned to London last Sunday. We had a wonderful time going out on walks, climbing a few mountains and visiting some of the fascinating historical sites we have in this part of Scotland. We had plenty of time to enjoy each others' company and relax at the same time.

1. For two days Gina stayed with the children while Mark and I enjoyed a romantic Hebridean island break. Mark and I really enjoyed the opportunity to be alone together and to properly reconnect. I love him so much and believe that he loves me equally. I feel both relieved and foolish to have ever doubted him or Gina.

1. The girls were delighted to have 'Aunt Gina' all to themselves.

1. Mark will be returning to London for work in a few weeks, this time, the whole family is going with him for the weekend. Our son starts university in London later in September and will be living in our apartment in London during term time. My husband usually stays there when he is on business and it is large enough for the whole family. The trip is an opportunity to settle my son in and to catch up with some of our old friends. That Mark will be with our son on his visits to London gives me peace of mind that he will have family support while he is away from home.

1. When we moved to Scotland two years ago, my son continued as a boarder at his school in England for the two years of his sixth form. This meant that coordinating family trips was complicated due to his English school and the Scottish school, attended our daughters, having different term times. Now that our son is at university and based in London, we will all be able to travel with my husband more often.

1. I would like to reassure those of you who are concerned that I do not have enough going on in my life, that you are mistaken. With a large home and five children I have my hands full. I have no domestic help at the moment, but I hope that will change soon. My family is the most important thing in the world to me. As I am a member of that family, I regard everything I do for them as also doing things for myself. My husband does at least as much for me as I do for him, so I do not see our relationship as one sided or unequal.

Since my original post I have been following some of the posts in this topic. I am overwhelmed at the sorrow and unbearably sad stories described in some posts and consider myself most fortunate to have achieved a positive outcome in my case. I hope I have and will continue to be able to contribute my support to that already being offered by other contributors.

Thank you again.

I'm glad everything went well when Gina came over.

Does your OH work in the nuclear industry OP?

I'm so glad things worked out well the only thing I would say is you could almost see it as a wake up call, to inspire you to build a life outside of the family. Without meaning to be harsh, just because he isn't having an affair this time it doesn't mean he never will.

Imo the best thing any of us can do is to build a life which makes us happy and fulfilled alone, so that if a relationship sadly does end for any reason we will stil be ok.

And not to sound patronising but I think you sound adorable! ☺️

This sounds like a Mills & Boon plot. Have only read Page 1 but the "slender size 10" stuff gives it that feel.

The nuclear industry!? How random.

I know a woman who has a similar world view to you op. She's from a scottish top drawer family and it's only when you get to know her you discover the quaint way she views the world! She once told me off quite sharply for being 'vulgar' eg.

I'm so glad things have turned out well. I think a lot of posters assume you should have a life like theirs; that it's the only way. You've proved otherwise. You sound extraordinarily blessed you lucky thing

Not random at all. Not many occupations for captains of industry 2 hours from Inverness. Nuclear is one of them.