Are they having an affair?

[HoneyBeeMum1]

I find myself in a difficult and lonely predicament and hope that the Mumsnet community can advise me.

My husband, who I will call Mark, and I have five children. The oldest - a boy - is 18 and due to leave home for university in September. The others are girls aged between 4 and 10. My parents are no longer living and I am an only child, so my husband and children are my only family.

Mark is a successful professional and provides a very comfortable lifestyle for his family. We have been married for 20 years and I have not worked since the birth of my son nearly 19 years ago.

Two years ago we moved from our home in London to a beautiful lochside house in a remote rural area of the Scottish Highlands. Mark works from home most of the time, normally visiting London on business two or three times a year.

Until recently, I was happier than I have ever been and considered myself most fortunate. Our home and lifestyle seemed perfect. I work hard to make a lovely and comfortable home and to keep myself as attractive as possible for Mark. I am in my early forties and realise the importance of not letting myself go. I am a slender size 10 and always ensure that my hair and makeup are perfect.

Mark is the love of my life and we and the children are such a close-knit unit that we have never felt a need for friends outside the family. Apart, that is, from the friend I will call Gina.

Gina and I have been friends since we were in primary school. She and I were together when I met Mark and for a few years she dated one of his friends. Gina still lives in London, but has stayed with us in our new home twice since we moved here. She is the same age as me and although quite pretty, she is a stone or two over weight. I have never considered her a rival for Mark's affection.

The last time Gina visited, she was due to stay for a week, but ended up staying for two weeks. On the last evening of her stay, I observed Mark and Gina by the loch in what appeared to be an intimate embrace. Neither of them is aware of what I saw.

Since that evening I have been in despair. I keep trying to convince myself that what I saw meant nothing. However, in the five months since Gina returned to London, Mark has been 'away on business' six times. Sometimes he has been away for more than a week.

I dare not confront either of them with my suspicions, but I am terrified every time he goes away that he won't come back. I am so afraid of losing him that I am even prepared to turn a blind eye to his infidelity if I have to. I am afraid that if I confront Mark he will leave me for good.

When he is at home he is his usual self, a loving and thoughtful husband and father.

Please tell me what I should do.

I am being serious.

Just the way OP is being serious. Her writing style must have influenced my musings.

srslylikeomg

I'm not jealous. I'll admit, her lifestyle does sound idyllic, but I'm not jealous.

It is, however, possible that her husband has developed a connection with someone who has more going on in their life than just what they look like.

Her description of herself as a "slender size 10" who ensures that her "hair and make up are perfect" because she understands the importance of not letting herself go, along with having no friends and not having worked for 19 years, whilst not describing any of the voluntary or community projects she's involved in, or talking about her hobbies and interests; what makes her, Her, just makes her sound a bit vacuous.

Saying that she has never considered her best friend to be a rival for her husband's affection because, although quite pretty, she is a stone or two overweight (rather than because she trusted her husband), makes her sound like a bit of a twat.

I was with you, and feeling sorry for your rather well written story, until you felt the need to mention you're a slender size 10 and she's chubby

I think that's completely irrelevant, if he IS having an affair with her it could be because she has a deeper personality that goes beyond perfect hair, makeup and size 10 figures.

That being said, you need to ask him what's going on. It'll come out eventually and your children aren't stupid, as they get older they'll catch on to the fact he cheats and you just let him - and that's a horrible example for your kids.

Lots of nasty posters on this thread. If you think the poster is not genuine, report it.

OP I'm sorry to hear about your situation. What do you mean by an intimate embrace, was he hugging or did you observe sexual activity such as kissing or touching?

This situation is obviously tearing you apart inside and that is why you need to talk to your DH in person and observe his reaction when you tell him what you saw. You could always start a new thread for support (perhaps leaving out the bit about looks and weight) as this forum is normally supportive in relationships.

Really sorry OP.
I also need to say that I think the root of the problem is not the embrace for me.

You seem to be overly worried about your appearance, as if it was your duty to stay pretty and you will lose him if you dont. I feel maybe your insecurity is at heart of this problem.

I hug my DH's friends as I love them dearly. I dont know what you saw but I feel maybe you went to "affair" straight away because of this.

Ok maybe (as anything is possible) you are right but you still talk about your friend being overweight and I dont know, I feel it is not healthy to feel you have to stay thin and pretty.

I am getting older, losing hair, i dont wear make up, but I am happy in my relationship and I make DH happy.

I am saying this because I had a relationship where I was obsessed about looking good due to fear of losing OH and it is awful.

Talk to your OH. Ask the questions but I feel it has to be a very hard place to be, sorry.

If you ask. He's going to deny it.

If you want the truth you need to investigate, but I don't think you really want the truth.

Does Gina have a boyfriend?
If not, try and initiate some conversation along those lines with her and see how she responds.

Do you ever get the opportunity to go away without your husband?

I'd love to see his facial expression and reaction, if you said you fancied a break and was thinking about going to see Gina in London.

One woman suspected an affair between her husband and her best friend. She spoke to her friend about 'a colleague' who had recently found out her husband was cheating with her friend and who went ballistic by hitting him and the OW.

After telling the story she later checked her husband's phone and there was a message from 'Tom' - simply saying "I think she knows something. Call me". It wasn't the same number she had for her friend, but she had busted them.

Do you have access to his phone?
Or to his mobile phone bill? If so then check the the call logs on the phone and check to see if her number appears on his mobile phone bill and the volume.

You can be as slim and attractive as anything, but some men get greedy and want more. I've had women say their husband would talk about too much weight being unattractive, yet his affair partner was much bigger than the wife.

In the words of a couple of those husbands - they said the AP made up for being big by being very adventurous and enthusiastic in the bedroom and didn't turn down anything.

So bear that in mind.

Your fear will cripple you. You need to be strong and stand firm. He won't want a divorce because paying CS for 4 kids and alimony will be quite a bit.

Here is a specialist infidelity site. Reading it and posting your story will help. If you do nothing now, this potential affair could move on and feelings get deeper.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Maybe OP had just been thinking about this over and over and has tried to summarise that she takes care of her appearance. I'm sure if she said she was a size 20, didn't wear much makeup or bother with her appearance the same people would be saying she needed to take some pride in herself and asking her what she expects. OP doesn't work so guessing she has the time to write a post in more detail than most. Christ there are some sad nasty people on here!

OP you don't need to pick apart "the embrace". If you felt uncomfortable about it then that's reason enough to be suspicious. Could you perhaps confront the friend? You hosted her for 2 whole weeks and she made you doubt your friendship & marriage. I'm sure if anything was going on she would mention the conversation to your husband and surely you would pick up on this....

It's more the case that appearance is irrelevant and so doesn't need mentioning in either direction.

It's more than no one would have asked her if she was overweight or took care of herself, and if they had, everyone would have shouted them down pretty quickly.

It's more that if she had only talked about herself, then it would have made her sound a bit shallow, but we'd have all got the message and understood. But she would still have been told that being thin and pretty wasn't going to affair proof her marriage.

But it's the fact that she never considered her friend to be a 'risk factor' because she considers her less attractive than herself, which is just a bit disingenuous.

I'm sure if she said she was a size 20, didn't wear much makeup or bother with her appearance the same people would be saying she needed to take some pride in herself and asking her what she expects.

I wouldn't be saying this and I rarely see anyone else on here saying this. And when they do, they get shouted down.

And if she really doesn't have anything else going on, she probably is a bit boring. Don't you think?

Op I don't know if he's having an affair but you need , in the kindest way possible, to get a life. Your oldest will quickly be followed out of the house by your other children, the only two people you are close to in life you don't trust, you have no friends, no career, no other family. Do you have hobbies and interests beyond housework and your hair?

I really don't mean that to sound snippy but I think the root of your problem is that you need more in your life. It doesn't sound idyllic, it sounds isolating, exhausting and soul destroying.

What do you do for YOU?

Is this the beginning of a Novel?

Most men prefer women that take care of themselves ... It's a fact of life! You only have to look at a lads mag or daily newspaper to work that one out. Not exactly rocket science. Just don't get why you are picking apart the original post when she is asking for HELPFUL advice. OP not responding - presume she is running laps around the lake to keep herself fit.

I can't work out what you actualky do OP. Your DC I presume are in school, you live in a remote place and have no friends. Apart from your hair and make up, what do you do? What on earth do you talk about with your DH?

There is a huge difference between 'women that take care of themselves' and women who have nothing else in their lives other than a preoccupation with their appearance. In fact, most men find that quite dull.

I would like to add that I take are of myself:

I practise meditation
I eat healthy food
I exercise for health
I read
I go out and meet people
I reflect on my behaviour and I change

I don't believe I have to "stay pretty" that is bullshit. I stay healthy and I stay active and kind.

I happen to have lost a lot of my hair in the past 10 years and thanks to people that think we are supposed to be pretty I suffered from severe depression.

So screw that shit.

As people say here if a man is going to cheat it wont be because of your looks

And I think that OP doesnt do anything for her, to be happy or at least, correction, all she mentions here is what she does for him, which is shitty is it turns out that he is having an affair.

But who's to say that's all she thinks about in life?!  she has given us a brief run down not a complete picture of her day to day life. She could do charity work all day everyday for all we know. Seems strange that you have just picked up on the size 10 / nice hair and make up thing. Don't see how you can presume she is dull or boring from a paragraph or 2. Anyway OP good luck - I'm off to the gym!

Take care not take are

If this were a novel I wouldn't read it. No substance.

We can only go on the info the OP has given, which is all about her appearance. She may well do voluntary work but we aren't mind readers.

The op is incredulous that her DH could possibly have an affair with someone two stone overweight when she keeps herself pretty. who the fuck uses the word slender anyway. Maybe her DH wants more than that (I'm not excusing the affair).

True OP might do plenty of other things in her life but she has no commented on hobbies or stuff DH and her enjoy/ have in common so just going from the info in the post really