Are they having an affair?

[HoneyBeeMum1]

I find myself in a difficult and lonely predicament and hope that the Mumsnet community can advise me.

My husband, who I will call Mark, and I have five children. The oldest - a boy - is 18 and due to leave home for university in September. The others are girls aged between 4 and 10. My parents are no longer living and I am an only child, so my husband and children are my only family.

Mark is a successful professional and provides a very comfortable lifestyle for his family. We have been married for 20 years and I have not worked since the birth of my son nearly 19 years ago.

Two years ago we moved from our home in London to a beautiful lochside house in a remote rural area of the Scottish Highlands. Mark works from home most of the time, normally visiting London on business two or three times a year.

Until recently, I was happier than I have ever been and considered myself most fortunate. Our home and lifestyle seemed perfect. I work hard to make a lovely and comfortable home and to keep myself as attractive as possible for Mark. I am in my early forties and realise the importance of not letting myself go. I am a slender size 10 and always ensure that my hair and makeup are perfect.

Mark is the love of my life and we and the children are such a close-knit unit that we have never felt a need for friends outside the family. Apart, that is, from the friend I will call Gina.

Gina and I have been friends since we were in primary school. She and I were together when I met Mark and for a few years she dated one of his friends. Gina still lives in London, but has stayed with us in our new home twice since we moved here. She is the same age as me and although quite pretty, she is a stone or two over weight. I have never considered her a rival for Mark's affection.

The last time Gina visited, she was due to stay for a week, but ended up staying for two weeks. On the last evening of her stay, I observed Mark and Gina by the loch in what appeared to be an intimate embrace. Neither of them is aware of what I saw.

Since that evening I have been in despair. I keep trying to convince myself that what I saw meant nothing. However, in the five months since Gina returned to London, Mark has been 'away on business' six times. Sometimes he has been away for more than a week.

I dare not confront either of them with my suspicions, but I am terrified every time he goes away that he won't come back. I am so afraid of losing him that I am even prepared to turn a blind eye to his infidelity if I have to. I am afraid that if I confront Mark he will leave me for good.

When he is at home he is his usual self, a loving and thoughtful husband and father.

Please tell me what I should do.

She has told us the things that she feels are the most relevant. She hasn't talked about her kindness or her compassion or her humour or her passions as being ways in which she's attempted to make herself attractive to her husband. Just her appearance.

I would also add that I take care of myself, but someone who is only focused on their appearance is dull. Well to me anyway. Other people might feel differently.

Your life revolves around your family, husband and looks. You see your part of the deal as looking attractive and keeping a nice house and you're willing to overlook infidelity in order to keep your lifestyle.
Your choices have made you entirely dependent on him and in a very sad situation. There is more to life than looking attractive and keeping a nice house and there is more to marriage than playing a part. Go get a job and some friends and a hobby and you might worry less about what you look like, and if your marriage doesn't work out you will have more going for you.

Hi op
I'm so sorry that you're going through this - and from personal experience, MN can be very cruel when all you need is support. Try to ignore the horrible bitches on here
I think you've left yourself no choice but to confront him on what you saw and about the increase in trips away. If you don't you make explode and I'm sure it's in your mind constantly
Sending positive vibes , take care x

The OP did not ask you to fucking critique her lifestyle, she asked for advice on a situation that is troubling her. God some of you can be such dicks.

Someone comes on here asking for support and gets a character assassination? FUCK. OFF.

Op I think you should ask him, if you know him well enough you'll hopefully be able to gauge from his reaction if something is going on.

Thank you for your comments. Many of you have said what I expected, but it is useful to have your own thoughts confirmed sometimes. I am grateful that so many people are willing to take time out of their busy lives to assist a stranger.

I am not sure why my writing style should have caused offence or amusement though.

Appearance is important to my husband, so it is important to me. I am not vain and I am sorry if I came across as boastful about my appearance. In fact, I am very insecure about my looks. I am not and never have been a great beauty, but I take a pride in doing my best.

Gina has been an important part of my life for as long as I can remember. Neither of us have siblings, so we regard each other like sisters. Although she and Mark have always got on well, she is primarily my friend. It is for this reason as much as any other that I would not have regarded her as a rival for Mark's affection. Her betrayal, if indeed there has been a betrayal, is almost as hurtful as that of my husband.

My children are happy where we are. My son has become a little restless, but I hope this will be resolved when he goes to university. Due to our remote location, the children have to travel a considerable distance to school which makes it difficult to form friendships outside school. This might seem strange to people in more populated areas, but is common where we live. However, the girls are close enough in age to be friends as well as sisters and get on well.

There is lots for us to do in our leisure time, walks, wildlife watching, places of historical interest. All of us, including my husband enjoy these activities immensely. Everything seemed perfect before my suspicions were aroused.

I have changed certain details to conceal my family's identity, but my dilemma is genuine. I am sure there must be more suitable websites to trial a novel.

OP, I can understand that your efforts to make a lovely and comfortable home, and to keep yourself looking good, are how you express your love.

But obviously you've got yourself into a situation where you're struggling to actually talk to your husband.

I won't be the first to say that being overweight (or in fact messy) doesn't preclude people from having loving and successful relationships.

I just wonder whether you're placing too much importance on external signifiers (a lovely home, a slender body, a husband who provides financially) and not enough on the inner emotional workings of the relationship and the need to communicate physically and verbally and, well, openly.

Is this something that you could explore, either on your own or together with a counsellor?

I'm sorry, it must be a worrying and upsetting situation to be in. I can't see what you can do other than (a) ignoring and hoping it will go away, or (b) learning to open up together and discuss the relationship on a deeper level. Ultimately, both could work or fail, but the second gives you more hope of an honest and deep partnership.

I'd like to say I would wait to see more evidence before confronting DH but I'm such a gobshite I wouldn't be able to hold it in. I feel op and I are very different so she might be better at doing the more sensible option.

I also think it's unhealthy for you to be so isolated. Welcome to MN, home of banter and biscuits!

But maybe it would be good to try to expand your circle of people that you can confide in and spend time with in real life. You remind me a lot of my lovely sister, who is beautiful and clever and outgoing socially but somewhat isolated because of her lack of close friendships. She also struggles in her relationship when things get difficult, and IMHO puts up with things that she thinks are normal largely because she doesn't have the outside perspective of close friends to share it with.

I read all this in a clipped English tone op as it reads like book.

And I imagine you smoking those slim ciggarettes whilst looking out the window wistfully....

Usernoidea I think calling people horrible b€$€ is not very nice to be honest. Even if you feel people are not being supportive there is no need

OP, I've no advice to give on top of that which has already been given, but I'm sorry you're going through this. I would agree that a frank, open discussion with your husband is the best option here. Or could you go and visit Gina and speak to her?

As an aside, I love your writing style. It makes me think of Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte, so clear and pretty and precise. It's a pleasure to read, although of course the subject matter is not at all pleasurable.

I hope you find a resolution soon

Hi all,

Thanks for the reports about this thread.

As far as we can see the OP is telling the truth, can we please ask folks to stop troll hunting.

Many thanks

I'm sorry evergreen if I've offended you - perhaps you could help me in how you would describe the people who've made some horrible comments on here?
Op good luck and remember you don't deserve to be made to feel like an outsider on this, it's incredibly nice of you to not too want to rock the boat when you're children are involved but you need to be content too x

TheCrumpettyTree

Wow, what a dick you are

You don't want your marriage to end or be in jeopardy. So you need to do something. If you don't want to be confrontational they you need to do things by stealth.

First you remind your husband what a lovely family like you have together and how life is great - he has a lot to lose.

Second you say you are concerned about work given the time spent away recently - he will then know his behaviour as altered you.

Thirdly it is summer, so on the next visit to London say you want to go as a family. Take the kids to a show etc..

Fourthly you keep in touch with Gina and chat about Mark, the kids etc.. Or better still leave the kids with Mark for a few days & go down and visit her; get some one to one time with her. If she is having an affair with your husband she will be uncomfortable. Also you can say you are a bit worried about Mark etc..

If it is happening what you want to do is make it run its course.

Good luck.

I think op has written this really well and has put the attractiveness/stone overweight thing as a way to reassure herself and us that it's not her 'fault', she's not become a 'frump' and driven him away

Jesus wept. Decent people are not driven away by weight gain or a non made up face. It is not OK to have an affair because you struggled to lose the baby weight or struggle to put on a full face of make up when trying to get 4 small people out of the door.

OP - you need to tackle this because the not knowing will eat away at you. That is far worse than him leaving you. Divorce is not the end of the world and it is certainly better than becoming a shadow of yourself as you deal with jealousy and bitterness which will inevitably creep in.

I certainly wouldn't be pussyfooting around 'reminding him' how great our family was, and coming up with twee little tales about how much you miss him when he's away.

You could find out if you really want to I'm sure....

I'm sorry to sound harsh but this all sounds a bit 'more tea vicar' to me....

I would be mortified and reconsider the 'friendship' if my 'friend' thought nobody could possibly fancy or fall for me because I was a stone or so overweight. If your supposed best friend cant see why anyone could easily fall for you etc. then who can ? If my friend thought l could never possibly have an affair with her DH because I was far too nice and loyal a person then fine but l would find your reason extremely hurtful. I too think you should do a bit of delving for evidence and then confront or you may never know the truth. Even if this affair is happening it could be ended if they think you are on to them and then simply denied forevermore

I would say trust your 'Gut Feeling'.

In my experience my 'Gut' was telling me something wasn't quite right. I guess i was in 'denial' that anything was going on despite of this.

I confronted my STBXW and outrightly asked her if she was having an affair...she said 'No'. Something was telling me she was lying...eventually I found the proof that she was having an affair.

I guess what I'm trying to say that if your gut is telling you that the 'embrace' you witnessed wasn't right then it probably wasn't, and I agree that you may need to be prepared to dig deeper to get more evidence to find out if anything is going on.

II would be mortified and reconsider the 'friendship' if my 'friend' thought nobody could possibly fancy or fall for me because I was a stone or so overweight.

She didn't say nobody could possibly fancy her friend. She said she didn't consider her a rival or a threat.

There's a lot of twisting words here and the OP is simply asking for assistance.

I think nice hair and makeup and working hard on your figure can represent a dirty of superstition really, especially for insecure women. You think If you do all that then he won't cheat. But he will if he wants to.

I love the fact you didn't see her as a threat as she's a stone over weight always stopped a man cheating that has ... Never minds she's a strong independent working woman with likely more in common with him.

You obviously don't want to ask for fear of the answer and losing your not working yet financed day to day, nice house and picture perfect appearance. There's not really much mention of your actual relationship, what it would do to the children etc. it's all about you.

Nobody can guess, you can either ask or turn a blind eye as you suggest. Personally I'd ask and be prepared to walk if the answer was yes. No lifestyle is worth a cheat or self respect.

I'm not sure why you think you are worth so little.
Do you know?
Could you get some counselling to understand why you would be prepared to put up with being cheated on and then let it continue?
Because it won't stop unless you confront him about it.
If I was you I would also get to your local GUM clinic and get an STD check.

I love how everyone is feeling sorry for 'gina' here.
There's a possibility she is shagging ops husband!
If a man wants to cheat, he will with anything that gives him attention.

You need to be upfront and ask him what's going on. You don't deserve this.
Oh and keep doing your make up and working out. But do it for you, to make you feel good . Not him or anyone else