Are they having an affair?

[HoneyBeeMum1]

I find myself in a difficult and lonely predicament and hope that the Mumsnet community can advise me.

My husband, who I will call Mark, and I have five children. The oldest - a boy - is 18 and due to leave home for university in September. The others are girls aged between 4 and 10. My parents are no longer living and I am an only child, so my husband and children are my only family.

Mark is a successful professional and provides a very comfortable lifestyle for his family. We have been married for 20 years and I have not worked since the birth of my son nearly 19 years ago.

Two years ago we moved from our home in London to a beautiful lochside house in a remote rural area of the Scottish Highlands. Mark works from home most of the time, normally visiting London on business two or three times a year.

Until recently, I was happier than I have ever been and considered myself most fortunate. Our home and lifestyle seemed perfect. I work hard to make a lovely and comfortable home and to keep myself as attractive as possible for Mark. I am in my early forties and realise the importance of not letting myself go. I am a slender size 10 and always ensure that my hair and makeup are perfect.

Mark is the love of my life and we and the children are such a close-knit unit that we have never felt a need for friends outside the family. Apart, that is, from the friend I will call Gina.

Gina and I have been friends since we were in primary school. She and I were together when I met Mark and for a few years she dated one of his friends. Gina still lives in London, but has stayed with us in our new home twice since we moved here. She is the same age as me and although quite pretty, she is a stone or two over weight. I have never considered her a rival for Mark's affection.

The last time Gina visited, she was due to stay for a week, but ended up staying for two weeks. On the last evening of her stay, I observed Mark and Gina by the loch in what appeared to be an intimate embrace. Neither of them is aware of what I saw.

Since that evening I have been in despair. I keep trying to convince myself that what I saw meant nothing. However, in the five months since Gina returned to London, Mark has been 'away on business' six times. Sometimes he has been away for more than a week.

I dare not confront either of them with my suspicions, but I am terrified every time he goes away that he won't come back. I am so afraid of losing him that I am even prepared to turn a blind eye to his infidelity if I have to. I am afraid that if I confront Mark he will leave me for good.

When he is at home he is his usual self, a loving and thoughtful husband and father.

Please tell me what I should do.

OP, as with others get yourself down to London with the next visit.

ask Gina face to face and completely out of the blue. She may well find it much harder to bare face lie than your husband.

The last option, possibly the one I would take as money doesn not seem to be a problem, is to hire a Private investigstor to follow your husband on the next trip. This may sound like something out of a 70's crime drama but you are in effect so isolated both in terms of location and family that in reality Mark could have a harem in London and you'd be none the wiser.

At least this way you would have absolute proof and can decide what to do with it. You wouldn't be the first and wont be the last to turn a blind eye but personally the double beytrayal would eat away at me.

Of course it could have been a hug between people who have become closer friends over the years.

What ever you decide I wish you the best.

tryingtobestronger I don't feel sorry for Gina. Where has anyone said they feel sorry for Gina?

OP, well done for coming back to the thread and making your position clear, while not engaging with some of the more hurtful comments.

So you have also received some good advice on here too - what do you think you are going to do next?

The P.I is a good idea.

You need to know what's going on.

OP if your suspicions are aroused, not acting on them will drive you mad. Agree with some pps about getting more evidence and a back up plan (finances etc) before confronting. You need to be on a position of strength from the outset. I hope your suspicions are wrong

I can't help being reminded of Freddie Jones going off with lovely pudgy Lizzie Vereker.

It's funny isn't it. How suddenly women can be total bitches when someone talks about a weight issue. It's true what op says. The slender delicate pretty lady goes unnoticed. The loud larger lady gets noticed. But she wasn't meaning to upset anyone or insult anyone. She is feeling insecure in what she saw and is feeling rejected.

It wasn't about the loud larger lady getting noticed, it's that she thought she'd affair proofed her relationship by being slim and getting her hair done and wearing make up and didn't feel threatened by her less attractive (in her eyes) friend.

It wasn't us being the bitches. Frankly.

well said 'IreallyKNOWiamright'

Why don't you either:

Get yourself down to London and see the vibe between your hubby and Gina.

Invite darling Gina up for the weekend. Note the vibe between them there instead.

You won't even need to ask any questions if you see them together.

Taking things at face value, have you checked his phone and phone records? If they are having an affair they will be communicating somehow.

Have you asked him why his business trips have suddenly increased? Maybe he's having problems at work and was confiding in Gina, who hugged him for reassurance. Maybe he doesn't want to upset you by telling you everything isn't quite as perfect as it seems, with regard to his job.

I also think you sound a bit lonely. Can you get more involved in your local community? Make some friends, it's never too late.

Why is an eloquent post by a woman who doesn't drip-feed and gives relevant information, so badly treated by MN?

I think HoneyBee makes some excellent points. Of course she doesn't want to lose her life. She deserves advice as much as anyone else.

She has as much to lose her in own context, as anyone else. If we don't see Honeybee back, I can't say I blame her. Some of you can be real ball breakers. Give the girl a break and let her talk and instead of being blinkered to her PRIVILEGE, just listen like she is, you know, a real person.

Thank you everyone who has offered supportive advice. I am mulling it all over and a strategy is forming in my mind.

I can see the merit in suggesting I go to London, but I would have to take the four youngest children. This could prove upsetting for them and difficult for me if it goes badly wrong. In any case, they will be back at school next week.

My husband is due to arrive home tomorrow. I have left a message for Gina to call me. I intend to invite her to visit in the near future. It will be interesting to see what sort of response I get. Before her last visit I would never have dreamed that she would be romantically interested in Mark, or he in her.

The children are all fine. Mark has not changed at all in the way he treats us (when he is at home). He is a generous and doting husband and father. I am so confused, surely there would be signs in his behaviour toward us if he intended to leave wouldn't there? On the other hand his increasingly frequent and more lengthy absences are difficult to over look.

I will try to have an honest conversation with him as soon as I can. It is something I can no longer avoid.

Thank you again to those people who have offered wise and honest advice. You have helped me to see more clearly what I should do.

Fingers crossed it is just circumstance that his work is more demanding and she was offering him some kind of support for something as a friend.

For me it would definitely be a case of seeing what's what and seeing if there is evidence or any observations when together.

If it is nothing and you ask him now and he says so, would you believe him without looking into it more first? Would it still play on your mind?

And if it is something and you feel you can turn a blind at at the mo, would you feel the same if you knew for sure?

Just things to consider when forming your plan

surely there would be signs in his behaviour toward us if he intended to leave wouldn't there?

He may have no plans to leave you even if he is having an affair. Like I said the child support would cost him a lot.

I will try to have an honest conversation with him as soon as I can. It is something I can no longer avoid.

Be aware that if he is having an affair, doing this will tip him off. He'll hide it further and they'll be careful for a while until the dust settles.

Many many women, have mentioned their suspicions and the gaslighting begins. Making you think you are going crazy.

I'd strongly advice you to try and get some evidence by checking his phone /bills first.

You didn't answer whether Gina has a BF?

How have you not had a conversation with your husband about his increased work trip frequency / duration?

That would be normal chit chat in our house. I'm the one that works away. Only last week:

• you seem to have been working from home a lot?
• yeah, holiday period - everyone's on the beach so there's no point in flying over to HQ
• cool, enjoy it while it lasts - nice to see more of you

I'd start with that - asking why the trips.
Then I'd dig. Because gut instinct isn't woo - it's often your brain noticing patterns or differences well ahead if you piecing it all together. Where does he stay usually?

The PI wouldn't be my first act - but I'd consider it.
If Gina is single, and if they are having an affair, I suspect it's a quick and fairly cheap job for a PI to follow him from his office to her house.

Sadly, there aren't always signs, no.

And you will have to be super vigilant because it's possible to keep an affair secret, even under somebody's nose.

I was irked by the focus on appearance in your op, but I do hope this turns out to be something and nothing.

I still think you need to have more going on in your life, though. Whatever it turns out to be.

Does he have an iphone with location finder on it?
They're notorious for not being accurate, so if it said he was in Harrow when he said he was in Lewisham, it's prove nothing. But if it said he was at #1 Gina St, that would be quite damning.

Kermit I thought of Mousie, straightaway, too!!

I agree with sandy, you need some evidence. Its too easy for him to deny and too difficult for to prove.

I wouldnt go any further than asking about the trips. Maybe, as pp suggested ask if work going ok, just worried as you are away so much....

I do think a P.I is the easiest and quickest route though if you remain suspicious.

I don't think you should mention it yet. I think you need to invite Gina to stay with you next time he has a trip away. If she comes up with excuses not too you have the start of your evidence. And not mentioning it yet will give you the chance to keep an eye and gather evidence on it even though it's leaving you in despair. Keep a diary of when he is away.

OP - can I just clarify, he's started going to London far more, and for longer since you saw this moment with Gina?

Where does he stay when he in London? Is that a way to find out if something is going on, by calling the hotel he is staying at etc?

I'm going to guess, OP, that you come from quite a traditional, possibly religious background? I recognise some of your reactions and attitude towards a wife's "duties" regarding her husband.

What sort of embrace was it? A hug? We're they kissing? That counts as cheating in my book.

I think you need to play a long game here. You're isolated and dependant on your husband financially. You need to get records of all his finances and pay slips in case it's the worst scenario