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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Are they having an affair?

188 replies

HoneyBeeMum1 · 12/08/2016 00:25

I find myself in a difficult and lonely predicament and hope that the Mumsnet community can advise me.

My husband, who I will call Mark, and I have five children. The oldest - a boy - is 18 and due to leave home for university in September. The others are girls aged between 4 and 10. My parents are no longer living and I am an only child, so my husband and children are my only family.

Mark is a successful professional and provides a very comfortable lifestyle for his family. We have been married for 20 years and I have not worked since the birth of my son nearly 19 years ago.

Two years ago we moved from our home in London to a beautiful lochside house in a remote rural area of the Scottish Highlands. Mark works from home most of the time, normally visiting London on business two or three times a year.

Until recently, I was happier than I have ever been and considered myself most fortunate. Our home and lifestyle seemed perfect. I work hard to make a lovely and comfortable home and to keep myself as attractive as possible for Mark. I am in my early forties and realise the importance of not letting myself go. I am a slender size 10 and always ensure that my hair and makeup are perfect.

Mark is the love of my life and we and the children are such a close-knit unit that we have never felt a need for friends outside the family. Apart, that is, from the friend I will call Gina.

Gina and I have been friends since we were in primary school. She and I were together when I met Mark and for a few years she dated one of his friends. Gina still lives in London, but has stayed with us in our new home twice since we moved here. She is the same age as me and although quite pretty, she is a stone or two over weight. I have never considered her a rival for Mark's affection.

The last time Gina visited, she was due to stay for a week, but ended up staying for two weeks. On the last evening of her stay, I observed Mark and Gina by the loch in what appeared to be an intimate embrace. Neither of them is aware of what I saw.

Since that evening I have been in despair. I keep trying to convince myself that what I saw meant nothing. However, in the five months since Gina returned to London, Mark has been 'away on business' six times. Sometimes he has been away for more than a week.

I dare not confront either of them with my suspicions, but I am terrified every time he goes away that he won't come back. I am so afraid of losing him that I am even prepared to turn a blind eye to his infidelity if I have to. I am afraid that if I confront Mark he will leave me for good.

When he is at home he is his usual self, a loving and thoughtful husband and father.

Please tell me what I should do.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 14/08/2016 15:12

Tbh it really could be nothing. Even though she is your friend originally, they have known each other for a long time and probably the added extra of the extended time she spends on visits to you since the move have, have become friends themselves. She genuinely could be just giving him a supportive hug.

If you do feel once she is there that nothing is going on then maybe broach it with her in an "is he ok?" Sort of way.

Sounds like you have handled things well though

RomeoIsBleeding · 14/08/2016 16:12

I don't know why its like that ?

What is it that has surprised you, Justaboy? That you are not as completely shallow as you previously thought?

RomeoIsBleeding · 14/08/2016 16:16

Honey I hope it all turns out to be nothing. But if your suspicions are aroused again, do not be too quick to turn a blind eye and pretend all is well.

Also, I still think you ought to have more going on for you than just maintaining your home and appearance. Just for your own sanity and sense of personal well being as much as anything.

It's great that you're not financially dependent on him. That's actually a really good thing. But I think getting some friends would be a really good idea for you.

Orangetoffee · 14/08/2016 16:51

I find it very strange that this conversation about his more frequent and longer visits to London hasn't happened before now, surely it would have been part of a normal day to day conversation. Did the children not ask him?
i am glad you are feeling better now but stay alert, there was something in that embrace between Gina and Mark that didn't sit right with you, don't dismiss those feelings as silly.

Mix56 · 14/08/2016 17:32

I would ask Gina what she thought she was doing in the arms of your husband. If she is like your sister she would respect you better.
You need to work your self esteem

loveyoutothemoon · 14/08/2016 17:33

So can you forget the embrace? If it was me I would've asked him about it a long time ago. If he can put your mind at rest, you can then forget about it.

Kr1stina · 14/08/2016 17:39

It's not normal to keep work paperwork in a locked room. Who does he think might break in and steal it , given that you live in a remote area?

If the burglars are good enough to have found your house in its remote location, a lock and key will not stop them, they will break the door down.

Or is he afraid that your 4yo might be working for one of his employers competitors and be secretly copying documents ?

its very odd. I know lots of people who work from home and none of them act like this. It does indeed sounds like a novel. A not very good one.

BlueFolly · 14/08/2016 18:55

My mind is boggling at what is meant by 'intimate embrace'! I mean, a hug is a hug. A snog is a snog. Was it a hug with lingering glances? Was he fingering her? We need to know more!

wtfdidijustwatch · 14/08/2016 18:55

I can just about understand him having a locked room.
but a normal person with nothing to hide would at least leave a spare key with his wife, in case of emergency.
There are bound to be cases where he gets to his business destination and realizes he's accidentally left an important piece of paperwork or phone number behind, that his wife could scan or send to him, IF she had a spare key.
But you have never gone in that room and he won't let you have a key.

Stop and really think about that fact for a while OP.

Justaboy · 14/08/2016 22:43

RomeoIsBleeding Moi shallow?. Perish the thought;! -U might be right-;(

Odd that locked room. Does he really need to lock it?. Who is likely to go there if you then why?. What are you going to do, dob him in it with the revenue if he's got a fiddle on the go, client confidentiality really?. What is so confidential many women look after the hubby's paperwork in a small business.

When my ex wife was misbehaving i never found her mobile, no never even saw it. Why did i leave mine around open and unlocked?. I had nothing to hide whereas she did it was notable that it was charged overnight on the hallway table but mysteriously disappeared after the shenanigans started. Seems a bit of a rad flag to me.

Do you have any involvement in the business he has at all?

MiddleClassProblem · 14/08/2016 23:08

That locked room is how horror movies start (sorry, Op, mind getting carried away)

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 15/08/2016 10:20

I would have thought the locked room is less about theft and more about keeping the kids out. You don't really want your weekly reports and other key documents covered in pepper pig drawings.

witsender · 15/08/2016 11:05

What was this embrace?

PrivatePike · 15/08/2016 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina · 15/08/2016 11:15

We have a home office and more children that the OP and have managed to keep Peppa Pig out of it . Besides, the OPs youngest is 4 so unlikely to be still drawing on work files .

And why woudl the OP not have a key? Do you think she has a drawing problem as well ?

Sounds like a lot of bollocks to me

Kr1stina · 15/08/2016 11:16

Maybe he keeps his mad first wife locked up in there .

PrivatePike · 15/08/2016 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrivatePike · 15/08/2016 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatfeck · 15/08/2016 12:09

What would he do if you asked for the key to this locked office?
In fact is there a spare key to it at all that he has hidden somewhere for you to have as a just in case.
My suspicions would be raised if he refused me access to this office, but them I'm suspicious by nature.
Why haven't you confronted either that I don't understand. In fact it would of been the same day sod this checking phones etc.

Shockers · 15/08/2016 12:38

The OP has explained why her DH's office door is locked.

I think you're right not to engage in any mind games with either of them, OP.

I would however, ask your husband about the embrace. Ask whether Gina was upset and that it has been playing on your mind.

If he has been getting emotionally closer to Gina, knowing that you witnessed something might just make them both stop and think.

I think your life sounds lovely, but I'd agree with the others about putting yourself out there and making some local friends.

AndYourBirdCanSing · 15/08/2016 12:43

Yes, what was this embrace OP? A hug, standing with arms around each other?

HoneyBeeMum1 · 17/08/2016 03:13

For those of you who are interested, here is an update:

  1. Firstly, the intimate embrace of which a number of you were interested to learn more. Mark and Gina engaged in the sort of embrace that platonic friends might share on meeting or saying goodbye. Indeed had it occurred in front of me in those circumstances my suspicions would have been in no way aroused. However, the embrace was prolonged and in circumstances in which I would not expect platonic friends to embrace.

...and for the good news. I have taken some of the advice that kind contributors have offered:

  1. I mentioned to Mark that I had witnessed the embrace. He was shocked that I have been so distressed about it and went to great lengths to assure me that his regard for Gina is based primarily on my affection and attachment to her. He seemed genuinely astonished that I might think he had any romantic inclination towards her.
  1. We had a long conversation about his work and - in particular - the project that has kept him away from his family so much in the last few months. In as far as he can, bearing in mind the duty of confidentiality he has to clients and employer, he told me as much as he could about the nature of his recent project. This reassured me that he has had genuine reasons for being away from home. Even better news is that his efforts will be generously rewarded and our family can now look forward to some special treats and quality time together.
  1. Gina remains a dear friend and I look forward to seeing her in a few weeks.
  1. I am now in a very positive frame of mind and counting my blessings: I am immensely proud of my clever son who is about to start his studies in Classics at a top university; I have a loving family, a beautiful home; and I am married to the love of my life who I am sure loves me as much as I love him.

That I can go from despair to such optimism in a few days is due to a significant extent to Mumsnet contributors whose kind advice was to deal with the issues head on instead of allowing suspicion and mistrust to taint my relationships and wellbeing.

Thank you again. I hope I will be able to do the same for some of you. I shall certainly endeavour to do so. FlowersFlowersFlowers

OP posts:
Honeyandfizz · 17/08/2016 06:46

Wow op sounds like it's all had a happy ending after all. Good luck for the future Flowers

3luckystars · 17/08/2016 07:31

That's great news, but don't ever dismiss your gut instincts because your husband has reassured you. If something doesn't feel right, then it's not right.
I am glad you spoke to him, and took the weight off your mind.
Best wishes for the future x

FurkinA · 17/08/2016 07:53

Are we now meant to mention all hobbies when we post so as not to appear 'vacuous'? Hmm

I'm fairly sure 5 kids would be more than enough to keep anyone busy, especially if their partner is away a lot

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