Are they having an affair?

[HoneyBeeMum1]

I find myself in a difficult and lonely predicament and hope that the Mumsnet community can advise me.

My husband, who I will call Mark, and I have five children. The oldest - a boy - is 18 and due to leave home for university in September. The others are girls aged between 4 and 10. My parents are no longer living and I am an only child, so my husband and children are my only family.

Mark is a successful professional and provides a very comfortable lifestyle for his family. We have been married for 20 years and I have not worked since the birth of my son nearly 19 years ago.

Two years ago we moved from our home in London to a beautiful lochside house in a remote rural area of the Scottish Highlands. Mark works from home most of the time, normally visiting London on business two or three times a year.

Until recently, I was happier than I have ever been and considered myself most fortunate. Our home and lifestyle seemed perfect. I work hard to make a lovely and comfortable home and to keep myself as attractive as possible for Mark. I am in my early forties and realise the importance of not letting myself go. I am a slender size 10 and always ensure that my hair and makeup are perfect.

Mark is the love of my life and we and the children are such a close-knit unit that we have never felt a need for friends outside the family. Apart, that is, from the friend I will call Gina.

Gina and I have been friends since we were in primary school. She and I were together when I met Mark and for a few years she dated one of his friends. Gina still lives in London, but has stayed with us in our new home twice since we moved here. She is the same age as me and although quite pretty, she is a stone or two over weight. I have never considered her a rival for Mark's affection.

The last time Gina visited, she was due to stay for a week, but ended up staying for two weeks. On the last evening of her stay, I observed Mark and Gina by the loch in what appeared to be an intimate embrace. Neither of them is aware of what I saw.

Since that evening I have been in despair. I keep trying to convince myself that what I saw meant nothing. However, in the five months since Gina returned to London, Mark has been 'away on business' six times. Sometimes he has been away for more than a week.

I dare not confront either of them with my suspicions, but I am terrified every time he goes away that he won't come back. I am so afraid of losing him that I am even prepared to turn a blind eye to his infidelity if I have to. I am afraid that if I confront Mark he will leave me for good.

When he is at home he is his usual self, a loving and thoughtful husband and father.

Please tell me what I should do.

SandyY2k

She is the same age as me and although quite pretty, she is a stone or two over weight. I have never considered her a rival for Mark's affection.

If this isn't saying your friend isn't 'fanciable' or not likely be the sort a man would fall for because she is 'overweight', then I don't know what is. Otherwise why say 'although' she is quite pretty (as if there is a 'but...') and why mention her weight at all in her summary of her friend and her 'threat rating'.

I am not twisting words and I stand by what I said that I would find this offensive from a friend. I did offer some 'help and advice' in the form of what l would do wrt finding out what was going on and what precautions l would take to ensure getting the truth.

Dragonseggs x posts and BaBaBarbara I agree we are not 'sticking up for Gina' but lets not forget Gina may well be wholly innocent because she is a good loyal friend. Instead she is being suspected of committing one of the worst crimes going in relationships (shagging your best friend's DH) to the surprise of her friend who'd dismissed her as too fat to fancy instead of too decent :/

I've read through the thread and there's just one thing I wanted to comment on OP.

If your gut instinct is that he's having an affair then he probably is.

Too often women 'know' but keep making excuses or don't listen to that inner feeling. None of us want to believe people we love would hurt us. Too often though they do.

I have an idea, invite Gina to visit while Mark is away. Then sit down tell her you are really upset that mark has been having an affair and last week, the "other woman" arrived at your house and she is pregnant! Mark is madly in love with her etc.

See her reaction! There will be no doubts if it is her he is having the affair with.

So sorry you are going through this nightmare.

love inventing another woman! Not sure in RL I would ever do it but would love to watch it!

Sorry, getting a boy voyeuristic in your heart ache but didn't mean it like that

Bah,

There are people I wouldn't consider a rival, that doesn't mean other men wouldn't fancy them at all.

I know my DH doesn't find women with short hair attractive. So if I didn't consider my short haired friend (who likes her short hair and would never grow it) a rival, that's not the same as saying no man would fancy her.

I hope that clarifies my point.

Perhaps you've just taken offence because it's a matter of weight and it's a sensitive point. I get that. I really do.

I would tell DH I was planning a trip to London to see friends and so he would be home with the DC for a few days. Then I would see what I thought of how Gina was behaving.

Or I would do what lucky stars suggested. That's probably better Make the OW much younger and gorgeous, see how she reacts.

3luckystars

That's quite a move. Interesting.

A really quick story on this. One BW found a load of dates during the affair that she knew her WH was with her and not the OW. She contacted the OW saying .. "you were with him at the xyz hotel, I've found the receipts and I'm sending them to your husband"

The OW denied it and said she could even prove it. Then the BW said "In that case he must have taken his someone else there, because I'm staring at the receipts right now"

It didn't take long for the OW to text the BWs husband .. calling him a lying cheating bastard and to never ever contact her again.

OP,
I do think if certain things were said to Gina, they would get back to your husband pretty quickly.

All you need is to check his phone.

3luckystars you're a genius! I love that.

A bit easy to be dismissed re the pregnancy and turning up... But very easy to text "Gina, I saw Mark talking really closely to you when you visited, like he was confiding in you. I'm sorry to do this, but I have to ask you... I've been suspicious of him for a while now, frequent London trips. Thing is, I did some digging in his email and phone and found some really sexual chat, and I've seen this woman on fb (she's got to be at least 10 years younger than me, and so pretty ). I need to know if he told you about problems between us."

There's no way he can prove to Gina that he hasn't done this.

Well FWiW.

Why do a lot of people on here pull the original poster to bits over her situation always seems odd to me but there we go.

OP suggest you start making a life outside you perceived idyllic existence in a few years time they'll have fled the nest and you'll unless you can start making some real friends up there you will be quite alone.

Friend of mine has a very nice place out in the country, old manor house, lovely views and peaceful and quiet but unless your a wannabe hermit it'd drive me around the bend with the isolation from most anyone else!

As to Gina in the smoke?. I bet its odds on shes his mistress of sorts. I suspect he's quite happy, lady up north and lady down south.

OK it is possible for a man to have a lady friend but it is difficult a lot of the time to stop there being a sexual element come into play. There's a very good article on that in Psychology week recently.

That said its obvious its burning you up the doubt so either ask him outright if all is well though that still won't prove it, he may well drop the contact with her for a while and then back to square one, or spend a few quid on someone who can check out his moments in London.

If he's staying round hers or vice versa then you'll have your answer and then you'll know.

The OW introduced to the mix is a sly move. Either way Op I wish you speedy resolution

Confide in your friend that your husband might of given you a sexually transmitted disease! See her reaction, if she begins to itch you have your answer!

Sandy2K I feel along with several other posters that the OPs summary of her friend was insulting at worst and condescending and irrelevant at best. To me and others it betrayed a trail of thought that any woman carrying a bit of extra weight is not as attractive as her/other slim 'well kept' women.
I stand by my statement that I would find this kind of description insulting by a so called friend ,as it implies the only thing that would stop me having an affair with my best friend's DH was that he would be very unlikely to fancy me because l am carrying some extra weight. Any friend of mine would know that I would never do this on moral grounds alone. before they even considered whether he would fancy me or not. I also still think she was implying she wasnt fanciable - period, by the way she described her as ' although quite pretty she is a stone or two overweight ' So she is quite pretty despite being overweight.
As for your last line : 'Perhaps you've just taken offence because it's a matter of weight and it's a sensitive point. I get that. I really do.
Wow ..... err no..... I'm simply putting myself in this situation.

Absolutely, Bahh.

I would hope that my friends would not consider me an affair risk to their marriage because they trust me and they trust their husband. Whether or not they thought one of us might fancy the other.

Affairs are avoided by people making conscious decisions not to betray their friends and partners, not because, "phew, she's a bit porky and I'm more attractive" because what happens when you have a friend who is more physically attractive?

Thank you for your messages. I am overwhelmed by the response and well meaning advice so many of you have taken time to offer.

My husband is home now and has taken the girls to the beach. I see no change in him from the loving husband and father he has always been. It is so easy to tell myself that I am worrying for nothing. I intended to raise my concerns with him today, but I confess that I have not found the courage yet. I am thinking of starting by asking him if it is necessary to be away from home from home so often and for so long and see where that takes us.

Gina has accepted my invitation to stay with us at the end of August.

A number of you have asked questions that I will answer:

1. My husband keeps all his paperwork and everything related to his professional life in his locked study. He has always done this as he has a duty of confidentiality to his employer and clients. Although I infer nothing sinister in this, I realise it could present opportunities to conceal evidence from me if he was having an affair.

1. Gina does not have a boyfriend at present. She is pretty and clearly attractive to men. My husband is not usually attracted to overweight women and this is one reason why I was surprised that they might be having an affair. If I was disinclined to extol her virtues in my original post, it was because of the hurt I am feeling at present. I did not intend to hurt or insult anyone.

1. My parents were traditional in their outlook and were both over 40 when I was born. I had a sheltered childhood.

1. Although I am tempted by some of the suggestions offered, I am not good at deceit. I would also feel pretty awful if I turned out to be wrong.

1. It was my wish to move from London after my parents died. My husband was in agreement, because he has been keen to move to the Highlands since childhood.

Thank you again.

Exactly Bababa. Thank you

My husband is not usually attracted to overweight women and this is one reason why I was surprised that they might be having an affair. If I was disinclined to extol her virtues in my original post, it was because of the hurt I am feeling at present. I did not intend to hurt or insult anyone.

I totally understand what you meant. Sadly a number of others didn't quite get it, despite you posting from a position of hurt and needing support.

OP ... I'm about to send you a PM.

Ok, you will just have to ask him.

FWIW. As the overweight attractiveness issue there is a lady I know who is in her mid fifties she in the popular vernacular is as "fit as feck". I Kid ye not shes that well kept not a spare ounce anywhere most would think shes not a day over 40. Beautiful skin very attractive on the face of it but somehow she doesn't interest me in an "attraction" way that much if at all.

On the other hand there is another lady who is around 40 who isn't that attractive looking and is a fair bit overweight but there is something about her that's for want of a better word very exciting and err well lets not go any further as shes married and is out of bounds but if she weren't :-)

I don't know why its like that ?.

Doesn't Gina have a job, or any other sort of commitments to consider? London to the remote Scottish Highlands is a bit of a trek, but one she seems to be fairly keen to undertake at short notice. I wonder if her visit up in a couple of weeks will coincide with Mark going down to London?

You need to take his key and get in that study of his. Having a locked room in the family home that you won't let your wife into is not normal behaviour.
I can understand him not wanting children in and out, but to bar you is not on.
Your answers will be in that room.

If he finds out you've been in there make out you wanted to give it a good clean (funny smell coming from it)
Have a can of pledge and a duster with you.

Or you could find the key and get another one cut.
You can have a good snoop around next time he is away on 'business'

I have made the first small and (I hope) non-confrontational move today. I have told my husband how much we have all missed him and that we hope his future visits to London will be less frequent and of shorter duration. He responded by assuring me that the current project he is working on is nearly complete and that he will soon be able to return to his previous routine. He expressed his frustration at being away so much and how he had longed to return.

I desperately want to believe that I have misjudged the situation and (for the time being) I am reassured. I now find myself feeling more positive about the future and I am looking forward to seeing Gina in a few weeks. I have never had a real sister and I believe how I feel about Gina is how sisters feel about each other. This is why the hurt has been so much greater than if she had been a casual acquaintance. I feel I can hope to have my friend back.

Although we are in a remote location, we are reasonably accessible from London. Flights from Heathrow to Inverness take about one and a half hours followed by a drive of approximately 2 hours to our home. Gina has her own business, the nature of which gives her a great deal of flexibility. She stays with us twice a year.

My parents left me a considerable inheritance, so I am not financially dependent on my husband. My attachment to him is entirely due to my affection for him. I know that sounds a bit cheesy, but it is true. I hope those people who believe I have aspirations to be a trashy novelist will forgive me.

I hope everything will turn out OK and that I will not need to return to the site for further advice. However, I have been impressed with the resource and the kindness and empathy of most of the contributors. I will therefore hang around in the hope that I might be able to assist others as others have assisted me.

Love and thanks.
HBM.

Best of luck OP, hope it works out.

OP unfortunately you sound like a 1950's housewife, please find a bit of self respect. If he is cheating with the only friend you have why the fuck would you turn a blind eye?!
You need to get a life outside of your family & make some friends, yes your life sounds idyllic but it's coming at a price...
If he is cheating how you deal with it will set a precedent.