Are they having an affair?

[HoneyBeeMum1]

I find myself in a difficult and lonely predicament and hope that the Mumsnet community can advise me.

My husband, who I will call Mark, and I have five children. The oldest - a boy - is 18 and due to leave home for university in September. The others are girls aged between 4 and 10. My parents are no longer living and I am an only child, so my husband and children are my only family.

Mark is a successful professional and provides a very comfortable lifestyle for his family. We have been married for 20 years and I have not worked since the birth of my son nearly 19 years ago.

Two years ago we moved from our home in London to a beautiful lochside house in a remote rural area of the Scottish Highlands. Mark works from home most of the time, normally visiting London on business two or three times a year.

Until recently, I was happier than I have ever been and considered myself most fortunate. Our home and lifestyle seemed perfect. I work hard to make a lovely and comfortable home and to keep myself as attractive as possible for Mark. I am in my early forties and realise the importance of not letting myself go. I am a slender size 10 and always ensure that my hair and makeup are perfect.

Mark is the love of my life and we and the children are such a close-knit unit that we have never felt a need for friends outside the family. Apart, that is, from the friend I will call Gina.

Gina and I have been friends since we were in primary school. She and I were together when I met Mark and for a few years she dated one of his friends. Gina still lives in London, but has stayed with us in our new home twice since we moved here. She is the same age as me and although quite pretty, she is a stone or two over weight. I have never considered her a rival for Mark's affection.

The last time Gina visited, she was due to stay for a week, but ended up staying for two weeks. On the last evening of her stay, I observed Mark and Gina by the loch in what appeared to be an intimate embrace. Neither of them is aware of what I saw.

Since that evening I have been in despair. I keep trying to convince myself that what I saw meant nothing. However, in the five months since Gina returned to London, Mark has been 'away on business' six times. Sometimes he has been away for more than a week.

I dare not confront either of them with my suspicions, but I am terrified every time he goes away that he won't come back. I am so afraid of losing him that I am even prepared to turn a blind eye to his infidelity if I have to. I am afraid that if I confront Mark he will leave me for good.

When he is at home he is his usual self, a loving and thoughtful husband and father.

Please tell me what I should do.

I hope you've read this situation wrong Honeybee and it was just a friendly embrace.Your life sounds lovely and I hope it remains so, I'd be hiring a private investigator to suss this one out if I were you. SOme really uncalled for comments on here, it seems to be the ultimate sin on Mn to look after yourself and have pride in your appearance.

Hi OP, just read the whole thread. You've had a lot of mean comments, but hey your writing style has been compared to Charlotte Bronte, so every cloud and all that.

I wouldn't hire a PI, I wouldn't check his phone, his apps, his tablet , emails or anything.

I would sit him down, make eye contact, and ask him straight out if he was having an affair with your best friend. You sound very close, have been together ages, you know him better than anyone. Just ask the man, watch him closely, trust your gut. You'll know if he's lying, then you can go through his phone etc. ...

I have to disagree with the above "you'll know if he's lying" comment.

I see that a lot on here.

Sadly, there are LOTS of women on here - myself included - who will tell you that many liars can lie very convincingly.

I don't disagree with asking him, and I'm sure sometimes it is obvious. But it really isn't a guaranteed route to the truth.

in my experience happily married people dont have affairs

Utter garbage.

People who are very happy in their marriage will often have a bit on the side because they fancy it and they think that they can get away with it. Why do you think that so many, on being caught out, are desperate for forgiveness and to stay in the marriage? Because they are happy! However, they are also selfish lying shits who think that they are clever enough to pull the wool over the eyes of the people that know them best.

Has there been any other suspicious situations? Are there any unexplained outgoings from your account? More meals? Different hotels to normal? Is dh secretive with phone? Going out of the room to answer phone calls? Has he changed his appearanc? Ie. New haircut? Trendier clothes?

Are you able to have a snoop on his phone? Computer etc? ( due to mn I do this occasionally and I don't even suspect dh of anything!)

I hoping you just misread the situation and everything is okay.

I would sit him down, make eye contact, and ask him straight out if he was having an affair with your best friend.

Because cheaters don't lie of course.

I'm sorry, but that comment is very naive in the world of infidelity.

I've seen a man convinced his wife was cheating and she was a master gaslighter, denying it to the point that she 'diagnosed' him with Othello syndrome** and got him to go for counselling.

And yes .... she was having an affair.

** TheOthello syndromeis also known as delusional jealousy, erotic jealousy syndrome, morbid jealousy or sexual jealousy.

Has this been written by a Daily Mail journalist?

No it's too well written for that.

I think you're right to suspect he's having an affair with someone in London - whether it's Gina or someone else. It ought to be easy to find out in London since he won't be taking steps to avoid detection.
If you have the money, how about a private investigator? That would allow you to find out one way or another without having to get involved too closely in the detail.
Personally, I wouldn't do anything to alert him because it might make that detection much harder.

Sometimes mumsnet sucks. Some really bitchy comments here.

Op I would check for evidence, phone records, receipts, bills. Next time he suggests traveling away, ask last minute to go along. I think you have enough to feel reasonably suspicious about.

Another way is to 'drop' false information to friend and see if hubby picks up on it or feeds it back to you. It has to be reasonably believable and beguiling and enticing (we aren't getting on. I met I guy I used to know online and fancy him; or along those lines) If dh behaviour changes or starts repeating elements of fake story then you know they are having intimate conversations about you that they should not have.

Get yourself clued up on your rights, lawyers, finances, just in case and before you confront him or do anything. Then you will not be so vulnerable if things come to the worst.

But I hope your suspicions are unfounded.

No it's too well written for that. A+!

Another way is to 'drop' false information to friend and see if hubby picks up on it or feeds it back to you. It has to be reasonably believable and beguiling and enticing (we aren't getting on. I met I guy I used to know online and fancy him; or along those lines) If dh behaviour changes or starts repeating elements of fake story then you know they are having intimate conversations about you that they should not have.

Wonderfully subtle, very clever and irrefutable when it comes to confrontation time. However, I would send myself a letter in the post so it is dated, with the story written down and then unopened so if he accuses you of making it up to cover your own tracks, you have proof that you only told Gina to uncover their lies and the date that you told her.

in my experience happily married people dont have affairs

Utter garbage.

Not complete garbage. Nobody who truly values their marriage has an affair - unless they are confident their spouse won't leave if it should be discovered.

OP, what would you do if you found irrefutable proof your husband is having an affair?

OP - my advice is to make some friends , you are too isolated. Go and get involved in some things locally . You say your husband works from home most of the time, so he is around to look aftre his children . And your 18 is still at home now .

OP - I'm impressed that you son has got Into university aftre moving schools and education systems at such a critical time in his education.

Is your youngest child in nursery ?

Hello OP how are you today? I found your post really sad. You have your children but look to the future. Even if your husband isn't being unfaithful, please try and make some friends for yourself. They will become your support network and family for years to come.
I think you sound a little depressed and I wonder if the move has had a greater impact on you than you realise.
I will be honest, I think you only have to go on your own instinct here and you probably know the answer. I would make sure you start to protect yourself, ensure you have access to all your joint finances FIRST just in case and then tackle this, as unpalatble as the truth may be. It's going to be a very bumpy ride for you and the children. I wish you luck.

The stoic-they do.

Maybe not full blown affairs but certainly unfaithful. My brother goes away every year with his mates, all married and most with the 2.4 children and perceived happy family life. Some of them always cheat when given the opportunity. Men are very capable of this.

Men are very capable of this.

Of course they are. But only when they believe that losing their marriage is worth the risk.

Hi Op, a couple of things stand out here for me. Firstly what was the reason you all upped sticks and moved to such a remote area from London. I understand he works from home but in isolating all of yourselves in such a manner after the hustle and bustle of London strikes me as a bit odd. Could it be that the affair had already started and he needed to move you out of the way to ensure he could continue it unnoticed? Also, whether or not he is having an affair, something has happened to make him keep disappearing back to London so even if he is not involved with your friend it's possible that he isn't quite as happy as he seems with the lifestyle that has been newly created and this needs to be addressed with or without the suspicion of an affair. The disappearing back to London so frequently is highly telling of something I think but hopefully it's nothing more than a few minor problems regarding his work.

Perceived happy family isn't the same as happy family.

But I do think that sometimes things do just happen and takes them by surprise (male or female) but then the act leads to an unhappy marriage/separation. But I would also say that that is in a vast minority of affairs.

I am thinking that the intimate embrace was probably something more than a hug or supportive cuddle for you to start wondering if they are having an affair.

So what on earth were they doing? Am I the only one with a smutty mind that is totally running riot?

Just when you need a best friend, you think your best friend maybe the cause of the problem.

I think you do have to weigh up what you want and what you are prepared to do.

If the affair is something you can live with then why would you rock the boat?

I would Rock the boat, therefore I would be blunt and upfront ,- but I'm not you.

How are you going to live on edge and how might this effect your health?

I would hazard that there is an affair happening, the embrace was a kiss, the trip to London are to see this woman.

Really sorry but I doubt he will leave you as he live the DC and his life in the Highlands

Why did you move from London, was it to stop the affair? How long has the affair had possibility to be going on?

Hope you get some support in RL from someine

HeeBeeGeeBees has a good point actually, perhaps it was designed as a family move and presented to you as such. However in reality it was designed by him so he could always blame worktrips back to London as an excuse to get away so he could see an OW.

I am wondering if he lives the single man life in London and the see-saw has started to tip more in favour of the single life rather than the family home.

There's some pretty horrid responses on here.

I think heebeegeebees might be on to something unfortunately. Sounds like he has the best of both worlds and moving to Scotland was a strategic move.

You do need to confront him though, otherwise it will eat away at you and drive you insane. I don't think you need to involve Gina yet, speak to your husband first.

Are you truly willing to turn a blind eye? Get your standards up OP. If hes away shagging some woman and whispering sweet nothings in her ear and you dont want to upset your idyllic life i feel so sorry for you. If its true, this idyllic life you think you have, is a farce.
Remember your children will grow up and leave and one day you will be on that house on your own whilst he is "away on business", you with no friends, him shagging about in london and you dont have anyway to distract yourself.

If you can see his phone bill itemised you would surely see calls or messages to ginas phone.

OP had unpleasant replies because she contrasted her being a slender size ten who makes an effort with her hair with her oversight friend, they s suggesting she's the superior one and immune to the trouble of women who are cheated on, because they are cheated on for letting themselves go. That is a really low blow.

Someone once said that to my cousin whose husband had left her and she was devastated.

OP can you check your husbands phone/ email?