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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feeling fragile-sex on second date and he hasnt called!

323 replies

sallybee30 · 10/08/2016 19:41

hi all, feeling very foolish as I slept with this man too soon and presume I'm not going to hear now..
background is , I'm 48, been out of the dating game for a while and joined an introduction agency a few months ago which is pretty expensive presumably to stop time wasters etc. have met several men with occasional dates, all fine but didn't want to take them any further-until this one-we chatted on the phone a few times then met him and just thought"wow"-he told me he also was really pleasantly surprised and after several calls/texts arranged dinner, a really amazing night out with a choice of really lovely restaurants with cocktails first. I thought the date was going really well and he was really keen -we then went back to his as it was very close by and ...did the deed. I did say it was a bit soon and he said what did it matter, then seemed to cool a bit and eventually got me a cab home ,kissed me and texted me to check I got home ok and he had a great night-but no other plans. this was Monday night and I've heard nothing. the agency does have members etiquette rules and I know they will be asking us both for feedback soon but just cant help feeling it was a premeditated plan to get laid. if so why not just go to a bar? he is extremely attractive, wealthy and sociable. have I just been played? sorry its so long I'm a newbie poster!!!

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 12/08/2016 00:09

If I fancied it, hairy /messy whatever probably wouldn't stop me. Can see I haven't had any for ages!

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 12/08/2016 07:49

Extrahotlatte- my point was the thread title said they had sex on the second date but I was reading it as first time they met.

gotthearse · 12/08/2016 13:18

Havent read the whe thread but could he be as nervous as you about texting/contact?

ElBurroSinNombre · 12/08/2016 13:35

I just wanted to add O/P, speaking as a man of around your age, that some dating agencies give free memberships to men as there are not enough of them to go round all of the women that they have. So the man may not have the same expectations as you and may not be as serious. This has happened to me, I got contacted by the agencies because I am in some meetup groups for single people.
I have been on a few dates via one of the agencies but so far it has been a little bit disappointing - as they have a small pool they don't seem to think to carefully about the matching process. Of about 6 or 7 dates, I have met one person who I felt was a prospect but that didn't go anywhere. And I am actually looking for a LTR.
So I would advise that you don't assume anything about the guys you are meeting. IME it can work if you jump into bed straight away but generally if a guy is serious he would wait a bit longer. Personally I think online is probably better if you can stand it, as there is a much bigger pool of potential partners.

siapo · 12/08/2016 13:41

ElBurro, that's really useful advice, especially your last sentence. I know a few people who've said similar.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 12/08/2016 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 13/08/2016 00:22

Who chose the bar/restaurant?

Which was conveniently near his place...

Flowers
TheStoic · 13/08/2016 06:12

For goodness sake - if you want to see him again, contact him and suggest it. You are a grown up.

If he doesn't respond with an enthusiastic yes, consider it a No and move on.

Do some women really think a text will put a man off who was previously keen? That doesn't even make sense. If he wants to see her again, he'll be glad to get a message. If he doesn't, who cares what he thinks?

RosieWithTheGoodHair · 13/08/2016 06:50

Agree with stoic. All of my 'actual' relationships have started with me in some way initiating them. This isn't the 50s and we aren't helpless maidens any more.
And fuck all this 'if he does respond don't respond for 24 hours' bullshit. If guy is more attracted to you if you ease off then he's not actually attracted to you in the first place.

Saw your update OP, forget him. You had a very posh meal and some decent sex out of it. If anything you came out on top (although a lady doesn't speculate Wink)
Onwards and upwards! Wine

RosieWithTheGoodHair · 13/08/2016 06:55

ElBurro why would the man 'wait longer if he was serious'? OP chose to sleep with her date so that comment is not only misogynistic but also irrelevant.

And out of interest, what is the other option to the man 'waiting'?

HotNatured · 13/08/2016 07:16

Just catching up w the thread and I see you've made the right decision not to text OP. Well done you can move on now without prolonging the misery. Onwards and upwards and all that Flowers

ElBurroSinNombre · 13/08/2016 07:48

Rosie,
Can you explain in more detail how my comments are mysogynistic as it was not intended in that way and I can't really see how they could be construed in that light. I was actually trying to be helpful.
I won't comment any further on the O/P but I would add that I have been in a similar situation myself.

Walkacrossthesand · 13/08/2016 07:51

And personally, if he got back in touch after his 'holiday' (if indeed there was a holiday at all), I would be 'meh - thanks but no thanks'. As someone up thread said, very bad manners to shag and ignore for 3 weeks! If he were interested he'd have stayed in touch while away.

Justaboy · 13/08/2016 13:50

sallybee30 Don't text him!, do something really odd call him instead!

I bet yer bottom dollar you'll find out more and maybe learn more doing that txt is fine but its so one way in many ways.

In fact if i were him I'd be rather impressed by a lady who did that .

Now give me one good reason why you shouldn't and remember its 2016;)

happyandsingle · 13/08/2016 14:07

if she text justaboy she is basically saying she is desperate. A man will let you know if he's interested and if he can't be bothered to text/call he's obviously not bothered. best thing for op is to delete,forget and on to the next.

Sunbeam18 · 13/08/2016 14:26

Alarm bells would ring for me at someone spending £300 on what was pretty much a first date. Why didn't you split the bill? I'd be enormously uncomfortable with a guy paying a bill like that when he didn't know me.

Bomb · 13/08/2016 15:04

Alarm bells would ring for me at someone spending £300 on what was pretty much a first date. Why didn't you split the bill? I'd be enormously uncomfortable with a guy paying a bill like that when he didn't know me.

I agree, I'd always want to split the bill.

Mabelface · 13/08/2016 15:13

Just text him, it's no big deal. Just a "hey, how are you? Looking forward to your holiday?" is fine.

HuskyLover1 · 13/08/2016 15:37

IME, if a man really wants to date you, he will keep in touch. I met my DH doing OLD, there were no games played, he texted and called every day and he was very quick to ask me to be exclusive. He knew he liked me and really didn't want me seeing other men, so he laid his heart on the line early doors.

It's all very well saying it's 2016, and it's ok for the woman to chase the man, but remember, these are people in their late 40's, and that's not how we were raised. Roles were more traditional when the Op was first dating, some 25-30 years ago. This guy knows the drill. He knows she will be waiting on contact. And he hasn't made contact. It takes less than one minute to send a text.

kormachameleon · 13/08/2016 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sallybee30 · 13/08/2016 15:54

I am fairly newly divorced, kids have been at grandparents over last week but wouldn't have wanted to have been upset/emotional in front of them.also he lives about 20 miles from me. starting to realise I'm just not as ready as I thought to take the plunge yet.or just need someone a bit more...well...normal!
time to take life more slow/steady and put my family first....

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 13/08/2016 16:00

Are some of you stuck in the fucking 50's ???

Not everything in the 50's was bad. Just sayin.

Any man I have been pro-active with, has taken that as a sign that I'm desperate. Goodness knows why. It never worked.

As soon as I thought I would go back to basics and let the guys do the chasing, I had far more success. Ever heard of the thrill of the chase?

We're all different, but I would not chase a man now, if I was single. No way.

happyandsingle · 13/08/2016 16:17

she did text him and he didn't respond. why text again. it's just rude and bad manners not to respond even if he just put it wasn't working for him at least it was an answer instead of silence.
if by any chance he texts many weeks later I'd blank him anyway

merville · 13/08/2016 16:38

"DEFINITELY will be waiting a lot longer next time, will have to let body hair grow or something as a deterrent to getting naked!!"

I think limiting alcohol intake is the single most effective factor in preventing this. I think many women are unaware of the effect of alcohol on their testosterone levels - and therefore sex drive (as well as the effects on inhibitions, judgement etc.).

Sorry this happened Bee, I agree with the posters (esp having seen your desc of his contact habits before dtd) that he's perfectly capable of contacting you b4 going on hol if he wanted to and it's likely that he either never wanted a relationship or has decided at some point since you've been 'involved' that he doesn't.
The posters who said he'll pop up again are possibly right, but this kind of flaky, hurtful behaviour is rarely the precursor to a wonderful relationship.

Not dtd early, as others have said, is not about 'moral' issues for me; it's about lessening your chances of getting hurt by something like this, by getting to know someone and sussing them out to the best of your ability. Yes, someone could still play the game for a while and then bail but it's less likely.

merville · 13/08/2016 16:49

I'd also be interested to know his background & relationship history; eligable, successful, well-off (not even having to be attractive) men rarely end up single in their 40's, 50's etc. unless they choose to be - either by being the eternal bachelor type, or having ended a marriage/ltr; and if I were a bookie, I wouldn't be putting high odds on him being a poor, blameless victim in the breakdown.