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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling fragile-sex on second date and he hasnt called!

323 replies

sallybee30 · 10/08/2016 19:41

hi all, feeling very foolish as I slept with this man too soon and presume I'm not going to hear now..
background is , I'm 48, been out of the dating game for a while and joined an introduction agency a few months ago which is pretty expensive presumably to stop time wasters etc. have met several men with occasional dates, all fine but didn't want to take them any further-until this one-we chatted on the phone a few times then met him and just thought"wow"-he told me he also was really pleasantly surprised and after several calls/texts arranged dinner, a really amazing night out with a choice of really lovely restaurants with cocktails first. I thought the date was going really well and he was really keen -we then went back to his as it was very close by and ...did the deed. I did say it was a bit soon and he said what did it matter, then seemed to cool a bit and eventually got me a cab home ,kissed me and texted me to check I got home ok and he had a great night-but no other plans. this was Monday night and I've heard nothing. the agency does have members etiquette rules and I know they will be asking us both for feedback soon but just cant help feeling it was a premeditated plan to get laid. if so why not just go to a bar? he is extremely attractive, wealthy and sociable. have I just been played? sorry its so long I'm a newbie poster!!!

OP posts:

Justaboy · 15/08/2016 12:25

Still really don't know why everyone has this hang up and or fascination with Texting, whatever is wrong with just Talking to each other?.

HotNatured · 15/08/2016 12:27

DropYourSword

No, it's not 'awful' advice to say don't text when the guy has not replied to a previous text, its bloody sage advice and will allow the OP or anyone in a similar position to move on with their dignity intact.

You mention behaving in certain ways comes across as 'desperate and needy' but chasing a man for a reply is the very epitome of desperate and needy

DropYourSword · 15/08/2016 12:43

No it isn't . No one thinks a man is desperate or needy if he arranged a date.
It's called taking some control and initiative, rather than being a wallflower. And moving on if he's not interested.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2016 13:30

Exactly DropYourSword. Very few people told op to send a text, she didn't listen to those of us, who did. It would be soooo much easier if grown ups who should know better, stopped to think a bit before giving such ridiculous advice.

madinche1sea · 15/08/2016 13:49

Just come back to this thread and I really don't think people should be accusing the OP of game playing! How exactly? She has children and returning to dating would be a scary process after having been married for a considerable period. She has every right to protect her feelings.

Dropyoursword and Mummy - in a totally logical world, what you are saying would be correct, of course. The problem is that these things don't tend to be logical. Men and women tend to react quite differently, especially where sex is involved and there's little point pretending otherwise. I think the OP did the right thing under the circumstances.

dArtagnansCrumpet · 15/08/2016 13:51

I've read most of the thread but a little confused. Can anyone clarify please?

Op had sex went home, he text her, she text back and then didn't hear from him until he text just before going on holiday. Some suggested he sent a more chatty text the same night they had sex but op didn't reply?

loobyloo1234 · 15/08/2016 13:57

^ Yes dArtagnansCrumpet

He text her that night, she replied, and mid text he sent another about the neighbours which she didn't reply to despite it clearly being his attempt at conversation. Then on here, the second text was left out of this thread until yday (or day before)

Don't get me wrong, I know why OP is guarded but we were just told he hadn't contacted her after that one text. Hence people saying he had actually done nothing wrong after all. Obviously thought OP wasn't interested (or she'd have replied presumably)

CoolToned · 15/08/2016 14:00

I don't why I missed that part of the chatty text too. When did OP say that? I thought the guy didn't text anymore after the text about her getting home fine.

madinche1sea · 15/08/2016 14:04

Yes but regardless of this thing about the neighbours, he could have just got in touch the next day about when he wants to see her again. Is this too much?

CoolToned · 15/08/2016 14:10

Well no, but then why didn't the OP text back?

loobyloo1234 · 15/08/2016 15:09

'Well no, but then why didn't the OP text back?'

From what I can make out, the text didn't warrant a reply

Roussette · 15/08/2016 15:11

I have a totally different take on it. He texted again whilst she was replying to first text. His 2nd txt was just saying the neghbours were noisy and she, had thanked him for a lovely evening and said she really enjoyed it and that text was sent after the two in quick succession. And for that, pp's on here are saying she ignored him. I would've done exactly the same. My warm thank you text would cover everything.

Keep on doing what you're doing OP. Everyone needs to protect themselves and it sounds like you're doing fine.

dArtagnansCrumpet · 15/08/2016 15:40

Thank you. I read it that the text about the neighbour was sent after the one saying he was going on holiday.

I can see it from his point tbh. He probably thought you were giving him one of those polite brush off texts with you not replying to the thing about the neighbours maybe?

Roussette · 15/08/2016 16:12

Surely that's overthinking though. If it were me, I would know I'd sent a warm text thanking him and if he thought he was getting the brush off because I didn't comment on a fact about the neighbours, he wouldn't be the man for me! thank god I don't have to do dating anymore

AvengeTheDoc · 15/08/2016 16:55

But isn't this whole thread based on overthinking?

I think the neighbour text is important, because ok whilst not the most adventurous and exhilarating of texts, saying thanks I got home safe and not replying to that text no matter how warm you may have meant it " yeah I got home ok thanks x" has no tone so with the no reply even the day or so after it could have been as OP not wanting to chat more or see him because if you're in an uncertain head space that text may seem blunt.

She could have replied to that text and changed the subject or ignored the neighbours altogether and text back what she felt was better like " how're the neighbours? (Talk about X subject)"

By not replying it could be seen as a brush off, and I don't see why the man should have had to text again as he may have felt that he had and got rejected, why should he have to put himself out there to get rejected again when, many on this thread feel a woman shouldn't put herself out there to potentially be rejected once?

loobyloo1234 · 15/08/2016 16:59

I'm with you AvengeTheDoc - rightly or wrongly, if I had sent a text to continue a conversation and the other person didn't reply, I'd have taken that as a brush off.

I think he was actually pretty brave to text again.

OP - I do get that you had your guard up, but we were drip fed a little. I said in my first post not to overthink and just text, as if he ignored you again, then oh well, chalk it down to an experience and move on. Not like you were in love with the guy. I think he deserves another chance ... hopefully next time you can both figure out what you want from this

CoolToned · 15/08/2016 20:41

From what I can make out, the text didn't warrant a reply hmm

Well so if that chatty neighbor text did not warrant a reply, then what was the guy supposed to do? If it were done to me, I'd have taken it as a brushoff. Sex, then I said something chatty and was disregarded and the other person just said thank you.

Then the OP waited for a message after she disregarded his chatty message that could have started a text conversation. Clearly this is a case of wanting to be chased?

Roundandroundandround · 17/08/2016 17:09

I can't believe that this thread has 13 pages.... all from two dates, dtd once and three text messages.

Destinysdaughter · 18/08/2016 13:15

I know. It's virtually a novel!

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 25/08/2016 19:31

Any news OP ?

HuskyLover1 · 25/08/2016 21:19

Uugh, no man chasing please! If a guy wants to date you, he WILL pursue you. If you don't hear from him, let it go. Dignity intact. This guy is late 40's. He knows how it's meant to be done.

abigamarone · 26/08/2016 00:12

No. 'Some' guys, if they want to date you, WILL pursue you. Some won't, because 'men' aren't one homogeneous hivemind.

PollyPerky · 26/08/2016 09:54

Why would a guy not pursue you if he was interested? (Lazy, shy, ??) Not exactly a good start if a man hangs back.

OP I hope it works out for you. You did nothing wrong. The only thing to take from this is that if in your own mind sex (early on) = more dates and you are upset if it doesn't happen, then hold back.
DH and I did on roughly our 3rd date - 35 years ago. There is no 'rule' but if you easily hurt, hold back.

I did wonder if his holiday is genuine- did he give details? I wondered if it could be a ruse to play for time while he cast around, or let someone down gently by disappearing slowly..... any thoughts?

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