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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling fragile-sex on second date and he hasnt called!

323 replies

sallybee30 · 10/08/2016 19:41

hi all, feeling very foolish as I slept with this man too soon and presume I'm not going to hear now..
background is , I'm 48, been out of the dating game for a while and joined an introduction agency a few months ago which is pretty expensive presumably to stop time wasters etc. have met several men with occasional dates, all fine but didn't want to take them any further-until this one-we chatted on the phone a few times then met him and just thought"wow"-he told me he also was really pleasantly surprised and after several calls/texts arranged dinner, a really amazing night out with a choice of really lovely restaurants with cocktails first. I thought the date was going really well and he was really keen -we then went back to his as it was very close by and ...did the deed. I did say it was a bit soon and he said what did it matter, then seemed to cool a bit and eventually got me a cab home ,kissed me and texted me to check I got home ok and he had a great night-but no other plans. this was Monday night and I've heard nothing. the agency does have members etiquette rules and I know they will be asking us both for feedback soon but just cant help feeling it was a premeditated plan to get laid. if so why not just go to a bar? he is extremely attractive, wealthy and sociable. have I just been played? sorry its so long I'm a newbie poster!!!

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2016 06:56

Agreed bomb. A lot of cynicism. The other posters may be right of course but what happened to benefit of doubt as I said yesterday?

Original poster

sallybee30 · 14/08/2016 08:16

I have just answered now," enjoy your holiday, have fun" but don't know if I would see him again if he bothered to be in contact when back, will be getting on with my life...the reason I answered the last text when I got home was that if I hadn't, he wouldn't have known if I'd got home ok or not. I really don't need someone who leaves me hanging, I agree with "if he wants you, he contacts you" train of thought. maybe its a generational thing as I think the rules are different for 20's/30's.its all a minefield and it never gets easier!

OP posts:

Original poster

sallybee30 · 14/08/2016 08:20

he also sent a text that night which crossed with mine, saying the neighbours were still being noisy,( they had been creating in the street below when I left)I didn't answer that one

OP posts:

Helmetbymidnight · 14/08/2016 08:26

I agree Sally.

RoganJosh · 14/08/2016 08:26

But you're leaving him hanging too. What if you're both playing the same game?

user7755 · 14/08/2016 08:27

So you didn't reply to his chatty thread that night?

I'm in my forties so same generation as you. I wouldn't be playing games, if you like him text, if you don't, don't.

But your last post sounds like he sent you a chatty text after your date which you never replied to because you'd already sent one saying thanks for a lovely evening and that you are now annoyed that he didn't text you back. That can't be right surely?

loobyloo1234 · 14/08/2016 08:39

So he has text - twice since the date - the one you ignored on the night about the neighbours, and then the one saying he would be in touch after a holiday.

And you think he is the one playing games ...

Diglet · 14/08/2016 09:14

It sounds like you are the one playing games not him

Your text sounds curt and dismissive. If you don't want to see him why don't you tell him. This is nothing to do with a generational expectation that men have to do the chasing (and the paying for expensive meals) and more to do with you not knowing what you want and being hard work complicated.

Next time you date someone let them know in advance that you want to be 'chased' .

Original poster

sallybee30 · 14/08/2016 09:23

ok well he has just texted back with a date to meet when he's back....so will agree and send a positive text! yes I have high defences up as I don't want to look stupid or get rejected which I think gets amplified by texting as its all a guessing game....he's at the airport right now
will see him then and be a lot more relaxed and see where it goes next time

OP posts:

hollyisalovelyname · 14/08/2016 09:27

OP I hope it works out for you.

Diglet · 14/08/2016 09:32

Oh dear god, the drama continues ..... You've gone from thinking he is a selfish prick to agreeing on another date in the space of hours.

Maybe you could have a think about your expectations before you see and let him know when you meet up. Otherwise it's going to continue to be very complicated.

At least if you meet up again you will get a chance to pay. Or is the expectation that men should pay also a sexist generational thing

user7755 · 14/08/2016 09:39

There was a major drip feed up page Diglet, where the OP divulged that he had sent her a really chatty text, the night of the sex and she ignored it. He has texted her again and as soon as she replied, he suggested another date.

Doesn't seem like he's done anything wrong!

MudCity · 14/08/2016 09:55

You have done nothing wrong. He has done nothing wrong. Dating, however, entails holding on lightly and letting go easily. It is a 'test and see' without any commitment until you make a mutual decision to date exclusively. If you don't want to be used, then proceed with caution. People who are on dating sites may be meeting, and dating, more than one person at a time. That's just the way it is. Enjoy meeting new people and going to new places but try not to invest too heavily in one person until that mutual decision to do so has been made.

You sound lovely. Good luck!

pasic · 14/08/2016 10:14

Rather large drip feed there OP, which renders most of this thread irrelevant.

Original poster

sallybee30 · 14/08/2016 10:15

to all the harsher commentators, I have been with one man for the last 28 years, settled down early and got divorced last year as he left us for someone else....I am insecure and had little experience otherwise before marriage so its not easy, I don't understand all these rules! finding my feet the hard way here!

OP posts:

madinche1sea · 14/08/2016 10:16

I'm really that people are giving the OP a hard time here, or saying she's playing games. Of course men should behave in a certain way - most of them manage it! You don't leave a woman hanging after she's slept with you. This is basic manners. Most men would expect to pay for dinner, wouldn't they - or have things changed that much in the 14 years since I got married ?

It's got nothing to do with it being 2016. I worked out even in my teens that as soon as you start chasing men, they lose interest. God knows why, but it's nearly always true as far as I can see.

Good for you OP. Keep your radar up with this one though.

CoolToned · 14/08/2016 10:24

I think OP if you like him, well, you can see if this goes further. But just don't expect too much. And don't close your doors quickly to other people. He does not seem too keen.

Noonesfool · 14/08/2016 10:27

mad
He did text. Chattily. And was ignored.

And as for "most men would expect to pay for dinner" wtf? Why?

rumred · 14/08/2016 10:28

The thing is with online dating that lots of people have a few people on the go at any one time, so a big texting delay can suggest they're pursuing other options. in my experience

Roussette · 14/08/2016 10:38

Why are posters being snippy with the OP, she sounds lovely! And how on earth, after decades of marriage, do you remember how to date, I don't know. She is just being cautious which is a good thing. And a date has been set for his return from hols so she must be doing something right!

Unless I've got it wrong, I can't see anywhere where the OP has ignored his texts. She texted him back saying thank you, she'd had a lovely time and she was home safe. She texted saying have a good holiday, have fun. Where does it say she ignored his texts?

P.S. Wants wrong with a man buying a meal. I'm sure the OP will reciprocate in her own way when the opportunity arises.

user7755 · 14/08/2016 10:40

Sally, there are no rules. You make your own rules. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Sometimes people are arseholes. Most people aren't. If you would expect a reply to a chatty text, then you reply to theirs. If you don't, just be aware of what message that gives and deal with the impact of that.

user7755 · 14/08/2016 10:41

8.20 this morning Rousette

surferjet · 14/08/2016 10:43

Op: texting is the least of your worries if you're not using protection. Hate to spoil a generally lighthearted thread ( & apologies if it's been mentioned already ) but STI's in the over 45's has risen dramatically in recent years. It's because women like yourself are 'back out there' again & you're not worrying about pregnancy at 48 so maybe won't insist on the man using protection. HIV is not a legacy you want from a relationship.
Just be careful & sensible ( which I'm sure you are )

Roussette · 14/08/2016 10:44

Well, knock me down with a feather, I missed that user.

Not the crime of the century though, she was texting him at the time and their texts crossed. It's hardly ignoring a string of texts

Anyway, all is good, they have a date fixed. Good luck OP.

madinche1sea · 14/08/2016 10:59

Noonesfool - well I'm 39 now and when DH and I were dating it was the vintage year of 2001. Maybe we're a bit older than you? He always insisted on for everything, though I did offer, of course.

I can even remember dating when nobody had mobile phones!! Ancient obviously.

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