feeling fragile-sex on second date and he hasnt called!

[sallybee30]

hi all, feeling very foolish as I slept with this man too soon and presume I'm not going to hear now..
background is , I'm 48, been out of the dating game for a while and joined an introduction agency a few months ago which is pretty expensive presumably to stop time wasters etc. have met several men with occasional dates, all fine but didn't want to take them any further-until this one-we chatted on the phone a few times then met him and just thought"wow"-he told me he also was really pleasantly surprised and after several calls/texts arranged dinner, a really amazing night out with a choice of really lovely restaurants with cocktails first. I thought the date was going really well and he was really keen -we then went back to his as it was very close by and ...did the deed. I did say it was a bit soon and he said what did it matter, then seemed to cool a bit and eventually got me a cab home ,kissed me and texted me to check I got home ok and he had a great night-but no other plans. this was Monday night and I've heard nothing. the agency does have members etiquette rules and I know they will be asking us both for feedback soon but just cant help feeling it was a premeditated plan to get laid. if so why not just go to a bar? he is extremely attractive, wealthy and sociable. have I just been played? sorry its so long I'm a newbie poster!!!

Sorry to hear it has knocked you a bit Sally, totally normal imo (to feel a bit worried about it). I think you need to think about what will make you feel better - text or not text. Stuff whether he thinks texting makes you look desperate or whatever, he really doesn't matter now and if a quick text gives you some closure then it's worth it. I feel that

I've done a bit of OLD and I think some men like to feel they are "getting women into bed" who wouldn't be "the type". That's all kinds of wrong - women enjoy sex too and are no worse of a person if they want to have sex after 5 mins than if they want to wait 6 months (or vice versa). Some men seem to find it boosts their egos to feel they're getting something that isn't "given away" often. Ugh, just typing out how they see it makes me feel sick! These men aren't after a relationship so imo "he's not that into you" doesn't really apply. I've met a few of this type - once i went along with it because he was fun and I want to have sex but on the basis that it was never going to become anything.

I don't especially think either men or women have the upper hand in dating. I think its important to remember your worth, think about what you bring to the table and what you want in return. It isn't worth settling for less as you'll be happier single. Fwiw, I met a great guy about a year ago and I'm really happy so it is possible. I tried to jsut see dating as a fun thing to meet new people and a way to widen the possibilities of meeting someone amazing. It is, by its nature, angst ridden though - I think you just need to ride the rollercoaster and expect it to be that way. And have a break from it if you need to.

I'd give a straight forward, factual account to the dating agency without running him down. They can make of that what they will but if a pattern emerges of him doing this they may be less inclined to set him up in future.

Modern dating?! I'm only 39😕 younger than the op...I do live in the real world.. One where women can also make the first move, regardless as to whether you've had sex or not. Good luck either way op!

This thread is insane.

How are men supposed to know the rules if women haven't a clue what they are.

I don't know what they are, either. I didn't know there were rules! I've been talking about this at work this morning (we're mostly all early 20's to mid 30s, if it matters), and nobody plays by any rules. You text who you feel like texting, when you feel like texting them. I've never paid any attention to who text last, etc.

I do believe if someone wants to be in contact with you, they will - but honestly, dating seems miles more difficult if you're building strange constraints around who texts first/what time/how many characters.

The problem here is that once the game playing has started, it cant be stopped. Texting him the next morning asking how his head is = fine. Texting now, after four days = feels a bit weird.

(Before someone points it out, I'm not dating at present, but plenty of my colleagues are. And I'm mid-20s, so I hope I count as modern!)

Yes but shagging someone and then not getting in touch is a pretty HUGE sign that they are uninterested. As a pp said, no response is a response. Highly highly unlikely that he is too shy / has lost his phone / is very busy etc. He just doesn't want anything more. Don't feel bad OP, it's tough out there in the dating world. You learn from this one and you'll gone on to meet someone wonderful who deserves you I'm sure.

Yes hollie I remember meeting someone at club once I gave them my number but they lost it. I told them which road I lived on as well as I really liked them( it was a long road -!). They knocked on every door down that road to find where I lived! I was quite shocked to find them on my doorstep!

I don't think anyone should adhere to any rules in dating especially. I think that after dating a few men, you do notice some patterns in behaviour of certain men and then you can decide how you want to deal with it so that it is less likely to affect you negatively.

I also found if i did sleep with someone and they faded away after, they'd often (in fact, every time) pop up again weeks or even months later and start texting again. It was like they'd got round to you again in their little black book. I think this guy doesn't want a relatinship but I also think you will hear from him again (my bet is on a month to 6 wks time when back from his hol).

Will you get to hear his feedback from the agency, sally?

How often had he texted before the date, was there a sequence? Could he just be really busy at work before his holidays? Dating nowadays is so complicated.

SallyBee. If I were you I'd just text him asking if he fancies a drink before he goes away. Don't play games, just ask. You'll have your answer then & can either just have a drink with him or move on. This dating lark takes a bit of getting back into, but you need to be confident within yourself, don't try to 'play the game' because it's all bullshit, only do things that you're comfortable with and enjoy it, then it's all ok.

As for all of the posters saying DONT RING HIM, you are aware it's 2016?

Women didn't fight to get equal status to men to play stupid fucking games about who texted who & not texting a man first FFS. Nor to feel 'played' if you have sex with someone & they're not falling all over you the next day. Own your decisions.

He had sex with the op, the op had sex with him. It's not something he did to her, he didn't take advantage of her. If women want sex to be more than sex they need to be upfront about it or just don't do it until there's more commitment. Women aren't some precious little snowflakes being taken advantage of by men, so stop acting like you are.

Men are just as able to feel insecure & unsure whether the woman is into him, you know, given they're PEOPLE too.

While there is nothing wrong with having sex early on, and it may still work out in the long run, the reason to wait is not about a 1950's attitude, it's about taking time to suss them out.
You need a while to fathom if they are the kind of person who, although may want a relationship, are also quite happy to fulfill an instant need with someone they think is attractive but not relationship material to them, for whatever reason. The fact is there are many men who make their mind up early on how they see you. Even if they are not thinking in relationship terms with you, they may be quite happy to get sex out of it.
While taking the time does not guarantee that they will not still disappear after DTD, it does help for you to make a better judgement about the likelyhood.

Agree with last 2 posters (Extra & Open !!): we own our decision when/whether to have sex & should not be made to feel bad about it by other people or our own conditioning about what good girls do(!)
And I really don't get the double standard that men are supposed to text if they are interested but women are supposed to wait & see what he does?
If you are looking for a relationship then ideally wait till you know the person better to be able to judge among other things if they are also wanting a relationship (& if you really want to be with them). I went out with one guy 4 times before I saw how tetchy he was - total turnoff!

I'm with Anchor - I'm young (I think) and definitely modern dating. I wouldn't not text just because some people told me on MN told me not to. It is 2016, we are allowed to take control.

What if he had been burnt before and wanted to see if OP was really interested so is leaving it in her court? I am a useless texter - useless. Doesn't mean I don't like someone

While you are still sorting one another out ..ie if he's the kind of man you could see yourself wanting to be in a relationship with or he with you for that matter surely it's better not to have sex clouding the issue.

If all you want is sex..then go for it ..it like pp says it may work out .if you're hoping for something longer lasting my opinion is to give it time to get to know o e another.
That's just my opinion. It may not be the popular one here. We're all different.

I certainly would have no qualms about sending him a txt ..like pp says you'll get your answer one way or another.
What works for one wouldn't work for another.

OP - sorry, but I'm going to go a bit against the grain here. Please DON'T text or call him! He's a man in his 40's. He knows what's happened and, unless he's totally dense, he'll know how you're likely to be feeling. He knows what he should do - he's not 17. Please don't make excuses for him. I've no idea why women do this.

Maybe he doesn't want to crowd you by calling the next day, but any more than that is game playing - not an attractive quality.

Also, he should call you, rather than text. Again, he's not a teenager. If he doesn't call, just chalk it up to experience and know that you have dodged a bullet there, for sure. At least you don't have to waste any more time in finding this out. Men like this aren't worth it.

And have a fantastic holiday. No regrets!

I don't think the fact he's using an expensive dating service is an indicator of looking for a serious relationship, I'm afraid.

He clearly has plenty of money if he can afford to drop £300 on a date - why weren't you paying your share, anyway?

If he's got that kind of money, why trawl Match, POF, Tinder?

Outsource it, get an agency to find the women for you. They'll probably (because it's paid for) be reasonably educated and have some money too - if that's something he wants to filter people on.

This way, he gets regular dates with intelligent women, found by someone else - which might lead to something. Because he might be looking for serious - but that doesn't mean he isn't happy to have casual along the way.

I always think there's something a bit odd about a man paying for a date - so that would have put me off for a start!

Just take the positive - you had a fun night, you enjoyed the sex, you had a reminder that it can be bloody hard work!

Don't text - if he wants to, he will. I'm usually all for just texting, but it's been long enough.

I would text him.

If you want to see him again, don't play games - say so.

You won't lose face if he doesn't reply because you're never going to see him again.

Why wait for him?

thanks again everyone for all your points of view. unsurprisingly I still haven't heard so will attempt to move on as quickly as him!
still feel upset but actually glad we did things so quick as otherwise a few more dates down the line I would have been totally smitten and it would have been a lot harder.
he's definitely not shy and after we met, for the next week phoned/texted every day around 3 times so a very clear momentum change. I'm not giving him the ego boost of sending a text. however the holiday is definitely genuine, not sure why people don't think it is? I think he's going today.DEFINITELY will be waiting a lot longer next time, will have to let body hair grow or something as a deterrent to getting naked!!.
also haven't spoken to the agency yet but I do know they said he's been with them a few months and hadn't taken anyone on a date until meeting me.

It really is better not to text twice on the bounce. I totally understand those of you who say different, but I get the impression that the OP is slightly more traditional. When you get the impression that someone is not interested, it just feels better somehow not to let them know you're bothered.

Cross post OP, sounds as though you did the right thing for you.

You could well hear from him in a few weeks, who knows, and frankly who cares. He has no manners.

shall let body hair grow or something as a deterrent to getting naked!!.

I was determined not to sleep with DP until a few dates in, and did this and wore really disgusting granny pants

Neither worked :) I just was super embarrassed at my hairy self - didn't put him off and now I have the excuse "well that's what it was like when I first met you"

Well at least you will be more prepared next time as this happens a lot in dating. He might have dropped contact even if you hadn't gone back to his.

Men blow hot and cold all the time and tbh I've done it myself ie felt keen at the time and wanted to meet up again but changed my mind a day or two later, often for no particular reason other than not feeling the vibes/not feeling excited at the prospect of seeing the person again. Then I think what's the point and let them down.

well done sally, he might get in touch after his holiday, if he does see how you feel then. x

If I am determined to not shag someone I don't bother tidying up so I'd be too embarrassed to bring someone home! 😁

OMG how hairy are you people?