feeling fragile-sex on second date and he hasnt called!

[sallybee30]

hi all, feeling very foolish as I slept with this man too soon and presume I'm not going to hear now..
background is , I'm 48, been out of the dating game for a while and joined an introduction agency a few months ago which is pretty expensive presumably to stop time wasters etc. have met several men with occasional dates, all fine but didn't want to take them any further-until this one-we chatted on the phone a few times then met him and just thought"wow"-he told me he also was really pleasantly surprised and after several calls/texts arranged dinner, a really amazing night out with a choice of really lovely restaurants with cocktails first. I thought the date was going really well and he was really keen -we then went back to his as it was very close by and ...did the deed. I did say it was a bit soon and he said what did it matter, then seemed to cool a bit and eventually got me a cab home ,kissed me and texted me to check I got home ok and he had a great night-but no other plans. this was Monday night and I've heard nothing. the agency does have members etiquette rules and I know they will be asking us both for feedback soon but just cant help feeling it was a premeditated plan to get laid. if so why not just go to a bar? he is extremely attractive, wealthy and sociable. have I just been played? sorry its so long I'm a newbie poster!!!

paying that is - sorry!

I'm the other side of 40, mad.

it was a crossed text - she's just replied to the other one, Rousette. What was she supposed to say re neighbours? I'm sure at that point she wanted to go to sleep, and that was a boring subject anyway. A man who's very keen would have texted next day or the day after asking how she was or making plans for another date - or just chatting. If she didn't reply to that, then yes, it'd be seen as ignoring.

Well that's a massive drip feed. Basically you've been playing hard to get. Just realise he's in to you and stop playing games if you like him. There's nothing wrong with taking it slowly but don't kid yourself and all the mumsnetters kind enough to reply that he fucked you and fucked off.

I worked out even in my teens that as soon as you start chasing men, they lose interest.

100% garbage. My daughter went after her first boyfriend and they have been lovers for three years now. It depends entirely on who is chased and how and, bluntly, who is doing the chasing.

Men LIKE to be chased but there are huge flaws in how women see this: 1. The woman thinks their chasing is 'obvious'. No, more often it is not. My daughters boyfriend was 'chased' previously by another girl. He had utterly no clue in the world that was what was happening. 2. What a lot of women put down as chasing is 'I chase you because I want you to chase me back'. That is not a game of catch, its a game of tag. 3. Just because you chase a guy (or have sex with him) it does not mean he will dispense commitment in return or that he will become deeper invested in you as a person. Bluntly, there are such things as bad blow jobs and incompatible sexualities, where either partner can think its wonderful while the other is very ho-hum about it.

I feel that this has the making of a good relationship. That said, too much over thinking and dissecting every little aspect, is a sure way to ruin it. An example being how it was immediately jumped on regarding his holiday. People saying it was a lie, that he didn't want to take things further. In fact, I see a perfectly normal interaction for a new relationship of just a few days.

Remember he has told you that he finds you different from others he has contacted. He gave you a lovely evening.....his choice to provide that. You told him that you were a little doubtful about sex so soon, which would give him an idea of where you're at with your life.

He may well text you during his holiday. If not, take the fact that he wanted to arrange another date before he went, as prove of his interest.

Good post from rosyglow!

good post from Dad!

Such a generational thing going on here (imo). These days it may well be that it's a level playing field but back in the day - not so far back tbh - it absolutely wasn't like that.

imo if he went from numerous texts every day to radio silence once you'd dtd then I'd be hurt by that. And it would look to me that he'd got the goods and was no longer interested to show much consideration or respect.

I'm still interested to know who booked the bar/restaurant that was so conveniently close to his place. So he spent £300, got you pissed you got merry, and hey presto you ended up at his.

Dad - sorry not really following your post tbh. So are you saying it's ok to chase a man as long as he doesn't know about it, or as long as it's more like "tag"than chasing? And that sex doesn't necessarily lead to intimacy?

Er......yes

Springy - have you read the whole thread? Including the bit where the OP tells everyone that she, in fact, ignored his attempts at a chatty text as soon as she got home after the sex.

And that having still not had any response from the OP, he texted again before going on holiday, and as soon as she replied (I.e. Her only text since saying thanks for a nice evening) he suggested another date?

Well, I didn't get that first time around - and also didn't get it second time around, either.

She answered his post-coital text to say she was home safe and that she had a 'lovely' time. She didn't answer the chatty one about the neighbours being noisy. Then he went quiet.

Perhaps he was freaking out op.

Perhaps he thought that she had said thank you for the evening and then ignored his further attempt at contact so therefore didn't want to hear from him anymore?

as I've said, that second text actually was in my inbox literally whilst I was sending mine, so mine was still the last text. if anyone thinks I'm "dripfeeding"- being new to this I had to look up what that meant- v sorry but that was never my intention and I didn't think anything more of that text at the time.
I am still quite cynical about why he didn't contact me otherwise for 5 days in all honesty and wonder if he was on other dates.so will be seeing him with my eyes open if we do meet up.

You didn't answer his message and also did not contact him for 5 days, OP.

Were you on other dates?

Exactly noonesfool. For me, the poor bloke could easily have been sweating over you op.

Did your ex cheat on you? Did you realise you are coming over as mightily suspicious.

points taken.... yes I've already said I'm insecure and my husband was unfaithful, coupled with all the awful stories you read on here and being a person who is vulnerable and hates to lose face......I am also straightforward once I know someone, but obviously, I really DONT know him and feel nervous because I like him....

FWIW as a shy man it hasn't always been a case of if he wants to be there he will, or wants to get into contact. There's been plenty of times although I have had fun with a woman, I felt it wasn't mutual, although I'm not talking about sex, I thought because she thought it wasn't great she may not want to hear from me ( it was awful why is he texting me etc)

He'll probably get fed up and move on.

So in a way from this thread it's like even though I ( and I know I majorly overthink) had a good time and I think a woman has had a bad time and wants rid of me, many are saying I should text her anyway what I think would be a nuisance text. Like I get the whole if you don't try you don't succeed thing but I was trying not to be a nuisance. And it's only a text but it would still be another rejection which hurts if you're a man or a woman

Didn't catch that the guy attempted to start a chatty conversation after the date which the OP ignored.

Well, I think you might want to be chased, OP, and yeah, some women do that. Just don't feel so bad if the guy doesn't end up chasing you.

Well like him. Take it a bit slower and see what happens. He doesn't sound like a total shit. You've got a few weeks to settle your feelings and decide what you would like to do. And please realise that not everyone on here will have the answers. I'm not saying I do either. Read your messages back and you will realise the emotional roller coaster you've sent yourself on for no bloody reason other than your totally understandable paranoia because you were married to Mr Fuckaround. Do you really want your ex to be controlling your future relationships? Because right now, how you've been feeling, it sounds as if he is.

Oh my goodness, some ridiculous attitudes on this thread.
Fuck the whole 'playing games' thing. Fuck the whole 'playing it cool'. Just be your true bloody self, which is exactly what you need to do when you're dating. Who can be bothered with all this analysis crap.
I have friends who do this stupid 'rule following' shit when they date...they can't see they are making the same mistakes time and time again.

Awful advice to say don't text, wait to text, send a breezy enjoy your holiday text. I know he has texted back now, but if he hadn't there's nothing wrong with suggesting another date. If he responds, result. If he doesn't, you know where his heads at and you move on. I have a friend who flogs things to death with these pointless how are you type texts instead of just taking the initiative or picking up that he's not interested. Suggesting meeting up does not equal desperate. Those how are you texts to me do seem pretty desperate and needy.

And to the posters who've said he 'played' you, or implied the sex may not have been entirely consensual.

I completely agree with Dropyoursword. Games and playing hard to get is for teenagers. Just be yourself.