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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feeling fragile-sex on second date and he hasnt called!

323 replies

sallybee30 · 10/08/2016 19:41

hi all, feeling very foolish as I slept with this man too soon and presume I'm not going to hear now..
background is , I'm 48, been out of the dating game for a while and joined an introduction agency a few months ago which is pretty expensive presumably to stop time wasters etc. have met several men with occasional dates, all fine but didn't want to take them any further-until this one-we chatted on the phone a few times then met him and just thought"wow"-he told me he also was really pleasantly surprised and after several calls/texts arranged dinner, a really amazing night out with a choice of really lovely restaurants with cocktails first. I thought the date was going really well and he was really keen -we then went back to his as it was very close by and ...did the deed. I did say it was a bit soon and he said what did it matter, then seemed to cool a bit and eventually got me a cab home ,kissed me and texted me to check I got home ok and he had a great night-but no other plans. this was Monday night and I've heard nothing. the agency does have members etiquette rules and I know they will be asking us both for feedback soon but just cant help feeling it was a premeditated plan to get laid. if so why not just go to a bar? he is extremely attractive, wealthy and sociable. have I just been played? sorry its so long I'm a newbie poster!!!

OP posts:
merville · 13/08/2016 16:50

Sorry; eligible

merville · 13/08/2016 16:55

B4 I get pounced on I should emphasise that I'm not saying some men don't end up divorced/single through no fault of their own, just that it's always worth considering that that's not the case - esp when someone behaves like this.

Original poster
sallybee30 · 13/08/2016 16:56

he is divorced a few years, no kids, don't know the exact reasons for the split but along the lines of she had mental health problems and it broke down....unsure of the accuracy of this , or what her problems were caused by

OP posts:
merville · 13/08/2016 17:13

A crazy (ex) wife, surely not??!! Wink
Even if there's truth in it, there could be a huge amount, not flattering to him, that you don't know. One thing's for sure most ppl don't exactly advertise their shit or immoral behaviour, do they?

Again, sorry this happened, even if he gets in touch this isn't exactly great behaviour & boding well.
You had a nice time and pretty good sex (it so easily could've been crap sex ime lol). Take it easy on yourself, do whatever you can to take your mind of it, and when you are ready to do more dating, take your time, don't assume anything (and limit the sauce, it's our decision-making enemy and plenty of men are more than aware of that).

Mabelface · 13/08/2016 17:45

I'm on my late 40s, I know how the dating game works. My marriage broke down partly due to my ex's mental health problems. I'd do one more text, if no reply, you had a good time with him, file him in your "experience" file and move on.

Roundandroundandround · 13/08/2016 17:54

It's obviously bothering you so I would send another text so that you can be sure. Although if he does respond, be wary that you might have just 'set the tone' or the dynamic of the whole relationship...

Just be light and breezy in the tone of the message.

But don't berate yourself for sleeping with him after the second date; I don't think it makes a bit of difference in the long run. I've dated someone for 3 months, slept with them and never heard back!

Original poster
sallybee30 · 13/08/2016 18:37

well he's FINALLY texted to say he's about to go on holiday and will be in touch when back. so maybe I will text have a good holiday, and will get on with my life again and see.....

OP posts:
QueenoftheAndals · 13/08/2016 18:48

OP I'm going through something similar though we haven't DTD yet. And it's always when you've just about given up, when you think "that's it, I'm done with him" that they get back in touch! Infuriating, isn't it? Good luck!

rumred · 13/08/2016 19:07

I wouldn't text back for a bit. If at all. He's keeping you on the back burner

merville · 13/08/2016 19:11

Well that's better behaviour than the alternative; you have the right attitude. Whatever happens, it would be good not to get too invested too quickly and not be too vulnerable (though obv. we'll always be somewhat vulnerable to getting hurt in relationships). Best of luck bee

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 13/08/2016 20:01

Text something completely unfathomable back like

No probs

LovePGtipsMonkey · 13/08/2016 20:06

agree with rummed - he is keeping you for his return if he wants to repeat DTD, if he was more interested/after LTR, he wouldn;t have dropped communication. It's all too business like. Maybe he's testing whether you aer ok with a potential FB as that's the style so far.

Standupforyourself · 13/08/2016 20:48

I agree with *Sellingyesterdaysnews:-

Text something completely unfathomable back like

No probs

except that's not unfathomable enough.

I'd go for.

Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles

which is "my hovercraft is full of eels"in French. You'll find out if he speaks French and is a Monty Python fan if nothing else.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2016 21:12

Before you text back. Just spare a thought. Is he really not that interested or are you both just playing it so cool that the airconditioning is blasting at minus 30? You'll never get anywhere with each other if this is the case. It's going to be dragged out like a soap opera.

Choceeclair123 · 13/08/2016 21:36

There is a chance that he's got in touch now after so long because you haven't been in touch and his poor ego is bruised...

MistressDeeCee · 13/08/2016 21:50

You're on the back burner

& whilst I think yes, some men do have ex-partners with mental-health problems, I find it astounding that so many do, and that there are so many unqualified genius doctors out there who diagnose crazy-ex syndrome just like that. Themselves being veritable saints of course - just unluckyHmm

Id not be waiting on him anyway. Especially a text! Technology gameplaying. Not interested in men who can't pick up the phone, I pick up the phone too whats the point waiting on or analysing brief words? I text people when I cant be bothered to talk, tbh

Im a firm believer that whether on or offline, dating for a woman should not mean having all eggs in one basket, waiting on the thoughts and actions of one man. Date smart - you're single until a man has said he wants exclusivity AND follows that through via his actions to back that up.

Until such time, you can continue with dating and widening your options and choices

MistressDeeCee · 13/08/2016 21:50

As in dating other men

LongGrass · 13/08/2016 22:43

I guessed he would contact you.

So he finally sent a tiny text saying he'd be in touch after shagging you so gentleman-like on the second date, ha!. If you did see him again, I guarantee within 2-3 dates more you will feel totally pissed off for one reason or another (either him showing you who he really is or even more insight into what he thinks of you).

Agree with SellingYesterday and StandUpYourself. Something completely unfathomable by return text. Or just don't bother at all and save your energy for something more positive like emptying your hoover. Let his little ego sweat it out Smile.

LongGrass · 13/08/2016 22:50

On further reflection ... it seems he made you wait a week for that tiny little non-text. You know I think he knew you'd be sweating it out and feeling insecure. If he didn't even realise that, it just as bad to my mind, as both show lack of feeling and care. I'd leave it there. Hold your head up high. And move on. Next.

Bomb · 13/08/2016 23:09

OMG. I can't believe how cynical everyone is. ShockShock
I don't know if he is a shit or if he is genuine unlike most other posters in this thread who seem to be able to magically read his mind.

If his only 'crime' is not texting you earlier then I think you are being a bit silly not contacting him. I'd think it even sillier to send him PA or cryptic omessages. If you don't want to see him again how about actually telling him rather than perpetuating this nonsense.

Bomb · 13/08/2016 23:11

I'm also shocked at how sexist everyone is. Are men really meant to behave in a certain way because of their sex.

I'm a woman but I'm still baffled.

CoolToned · 13/08/2016 23:13

I wouldn't wait for this guy.

Summerisgood · 14/08/2016 00:32

I'd either send an honest text, or no text. By honest, just a short one saying in essence what you feel. Why not? You don't have to play it cool, you don't have to play anything. Just say, 'Thanks for your text. I'm not into casual, although I did enjoy our evening together, I wouldn't be looking for the same again. In general I am looking for something that might develop into a relationship. If this is something that you might like to pursue too, then it would be great to meet up again and see how it all develops. Otherwise, I'll continue dating other men. I hope that this isn't too candid, just thought it was best that I am honest. Enjoy your holiday!

LovePGtipsMonkey · 14/08/2016 00:49

that's a very long text, Summer! And it does make the sender sound annoyed. If she were to be honest, maybe best to say what the issue is - his lack of communication! too early to discuss LTR after two dates. He KNOWS she's looking for ltr as the agency has told him/her profile says it.

Summerisgood · 14/08/2016 01:04

Yes I suppose it is long!

Whatever the OP wants to send, I guess I was trying to promote honesty or just backing off. If the OP's main issue it 'hey, why didn't you text earlier' - then that is exactly what she should say. Just be open, direct, honest.

Although from the outside, this does look like a man being quite crap about a woman that he has just slept with. The OP texted him soon after and basically he didn't reply for a week. Not a great sign. But as other posters have said, we're not mind readers, and if the OP wants to give him another chance, then go for it OP! But be clear about what is not on for you OP - I.e. Not casual or not texting back for days...