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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling fragile-sex on second date and he hasnt called!

323 replies

sallybee30 · 10/08/2016 19:41

hi all, feeling very foolish as I slept with this man too soon and presume I'm not going to hear now..
background is , I'm 48, been out of the dating game for a while and joined an introduction agency a few months ago which is pretty expensive presumably to stop time wasters etc. have met several men with occasional dates, all fine but didn't want to take them any further-until this one-we chatted on the phone a few times then met him and just thought"wow"-he told me he also was really pleasantly surprised and after several calls/texts arranged dinner, a really amazing night out with a choice of really lovely restaurants with cocktails first. I thought the date was going really well and he was really keen -we then went back to his as it was very close by and ...did the deed. I did say it was a bit soon and he said what did it matter, then seemed to cool a bit and eventually got me a cab home ,kissed me and texted me to check I got home ok and he had a great night-but no other plans. this was Monday night and I've heard nothing. the agency does have members etiquette rules and I know they will be asking us both for feedback soon but just cant help feeling it was a premeditated plan to get laid. if so why not just go to a bar? he is extremely attractive, wealthy and sociable. have I just been played? sorry its so long I'm a newbie poster!!!

OP posts:

Scuttle22 · 10/08/2016 22:43

Baggage in terms of emotional, housing, health and presumably x-partners and children. I am still married so I am thinking about if I was separated.

LongGrass · 10/08/2016 22:48

Sallybee, I did a bit of internet dating around the same age as you and to be honest found it very difficult and felt quite exploited at the time. I realised I was surprisingly naieve about men, and for the first time in my life started to quite dislike them. But perhaps if you are more grounded and are clearer what you want, things may be different!

Patti Sanger's (Matchmaker Millionaire) not gonna ring you up and scream "no sex before monogomy" is she?! The thing is he shouldn't have slept with you so soon, thats the bad sign really. I don't think a man his age would if he were serious about a relationship. He would wait. But I could be wrong.

Although you might feel bruised I am sure - we give so much of our inner selves in sex I believe - if it doesn't work out you haven't wasted much time and probably learned sooooo much. I wouldn't bother texting him either.

BadTasteFlump · 10/08/2016 22:48

Honestly op, you dd nothing wrong and whether he calls or doesn't will have bugger all to do with baggage, what you did or didnt say or any other irrelevance.

Hold your head high and move on - if he wants to see you again he will make sure you know it.

BadTasteFlump · 10/08/2016 22:51

Btw - I met my lovely DH as a (quite pissed) one night stand. Bollocks to the 'rules' about 'waiting' or not waiting, you either click or you dont.

LongGrass · 10/08/2016 22:51

Yes, and did you use protection? If not, definitely get yourself checked out. Some of these guys really put it about...

Original poster

sallybee30 · 10/08/2016 22:53

thanks to all the posters who have said such kind compassionate things,its really helped. not heard from him so feel its just too late now really, all the momentum's gone. will go and sleep on it all now!

OP posts:

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 22:56

You are, understandably, emotionally bruised. Take some time to appreciate what a lovely person you are. Spend time with friends and try again.

Lesley1980 · 10/08/2016 22:58

Just send a text. Stop playing guessing games. Fancy meeting up again before you go on holiday? He will either say yes, ignore it or say I can't but what about after? If he says He would like to see you after his holidays ask him to contact you when he gets back.

You are in control of this.

Sallystyle · 10/08/2016 22:59

Baggage is fucking horrible.

Someone said that to my husband when we were dating about me, that I came with a lot of baggage.

My children were not baggage FFS.

Anyway... OP, I agree that he probably isn't that into you but no harm sending him a breezy text so you can make sure and then put him out of your mind if needed.

happyandsingle · 10/08/2016 22:59

some brutal replies on here. after reading this you would assume everyone in the dating game is fucked after 40.
if I want to get even more depressed about my single status I come on here and it always does the job!!

Scuttle22 · 10/08/2016 23:02

Yes Sallybee you're right there has to be some momentum to carry on the spark you had together, that is why men usually call straight away as they want to make sure you don't lose interest. He sounds like a player and you sound really nice - I hate him already.

Scuttle22 · 10/08/2016 23:03

OK back off I'm sorry I should have used a different word! I'm tired. Sorry Sallybee.

Iflyaway · 10/08/2016 23:06

Yea, you,ve been played.

Happens to us all. But within a few weeks/months it won't matter.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get on with living your own life! And stop wasting money on dating bullshitters..

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 23:09

You mentioned something about being very drunk. This makes me feel like hating him too as I'm not sure whether the encouragement verged on coercion.

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2016 23:10

I was a bit of a one when I was younger, but now, I wouldn't sleep with someone until I knew them better - knew them well enough to know they wouldn't do a runner and that they weren't a nutcase.

I don't think sex with a stranger is always great - sometimes there's a moment of frightening clarity when you realise nobody in the world knows where you are and you actually have no clothes on and you're with a man you don't know - that's pretty scary when you think about it. And yes, sometimes it works out well and sometimes it really, really doesn't.

Treat yourself as your own best friend. Think what you'd advise, then take your own advice.

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 10/08/2016 23:11

I agree.. You are an adult, it's up to you what you do next. He might feel more comfortable waiting a few days before getting in touch, or he might want to send the message he's not up for a relationship, he might have had bad previous experience, he might be attached. We just don't know.

Some of it is a game of social and sexual manners.
I say wait for three days ie tomorrow, then text how are things shall we go for a drink before you leave for holiday? It's a reasonable thing to do after having sex with someone.. Otherwise, the moment or time to get in touch will be gone. If this was my scenario, I would wait three days whether I was keen or not and whether or not I was the male or female, it's just what I would instinctively do.

The problem of having sex so early on isn't because of pride or playing by rules, it's because not knowing someone means the intimacy is just too early and it can be a bit too much..I would be someone who if I slept with someone I didn't know , I wouldn't really want to get in touch with them again ..too much too soon I would feel overwhelmed and over exposed and want to get away ..probably would ignore them , awful though that sounds ( imaginary scenario)

villainousbroodmare · 10/08/2016 23:13

I can't believe the number of posters who are suggesting that you text this guy. Don't dream of it. You already texted the appropriate response. Any more is just undignified pursuit.

You do sound lovely and you will find someone who thinks the sun shines outta your arse. But it's not this bloke.

Don't feel bad, though. It was a bit quick by most standards but you had a good time and you've wasted no time in discovering that this man is not the one for you. Onwards!

LongGrass · 10/08/2016 23:14

Hey happyandsingle hope my post wasn't too depressing! but it was my true experience in my naievity - yet I am a worldly person . I think if you do online dating it just really helps if you are as switched on as you can be, savvy and confident in who you are, and not have too many romantic fantasies which might cloud your judgment, and not take any shit. I'm even older now and see so many red flags all over the male profiles I barely feel the urge to even press one key in response. But you never know!

SystemAticcally · 10/08/2016 23:14

Why do you feel stupid?

PepsiPenguins · 10/08/2016 23:22

scuttle fine give me a but your original post assumed so much and the term "baggage" is offensive

Jellyfishpie · 10/08/2016 23:23

Definitely DO NOT text. There is nothing at all to be gained from it.

I know, I've been there!

Ask yourself, was it a good experience? Did you have fun at the time? If so, take those feelings, those good ones, and feel empowered by them. Chances are, this guy is a player, or non commital. So, NOT someone you want to pursue. At all. Even if he did come back for more. In fact, you would have rejected him if you'd got to know him more. Don't fantasise that he is anything other than a short piece of fun.

Next time, be more in control. Don't be led. If a man wants to sleep with you again, take it in a good way, you still got it! But crucially, don't sleep with him. Just enjoy the attention, have a kiss, feel your own womanly confidence come back, and leave it there. Make the next one practically beg!

And in the meantime, give those guys who don't come on strong a chance. It is one of those who will probably have the most genuine heart and long term relationship potential.

siapo · 10/08/2016 23:25

My gorgeous friend in her 40's has been online dating on and off for 3 years with no luck. Then guess what, just like buses, 2 attractive, very keen men have arrived at the same time. She's like

Don't get disheartened OP, it really isn't you. It's just luck.

happyandsingle · 10/08/2016 23:28

no I totally agree dating esp online dating is just horrible it just seems to be in the men's favour most of the time.
Think dating was better before the world of online dating now it's just a candy store for men-they all think there gods gifts and have numerous women throwing themselves at them.
feel for you op as I've been through the same and it really does leave you feeling worthless.
just having good sex as some have suggested does not make you feel any less hurt or rejected.

ohtheholidays · 10/08/2016 23:29

I'd turn it around OP,you had a nice night out some nice cocktails,good food and some good sex to round of the night.

Chalk it up to experience and move on,don't let him not contacting you put you off meeting someone who could be perfect for you and who wants the same as you.

CoolToned · 10/08/2016 23:37

Men are simple. If they want to be there, they will be there.

I agree with chalking it up to experience.

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