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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling fragile-sex on second date and he hasnt called!

323 replies

sallybee30 · 10/08/2016 19:41

hi all, feeling very foolish as I slept with this man too soon and presume I'm not going to hear now..
background is , I'm 48, been out of the dating game for a while and joined an introduction agency a few months ago which is pretty expensive presumably to stop time wasters etc. have met several men with occasional dates, all fine but didn't want to take them any further-until this one-we chatted on the phone a few times then met him and just thought"wow"-he told me he also was really pleasantly surprised and after several calls/texts arranged dinner, a really amazing night out with a choice of really lovely restaurants with cocktails first. I thought the date was going really well and he was really keen -we then went back to his as it was very close by and ...did the deed. I did say it was a bit soon and he said what did it matter, then seemed to cool a bit and eventually got me a cab home ,kissed me and texted me to check I got home ok and he had a great night-but no other plans. this was Monday night and I've heard nothing. the agency does have members etiquette rules and I know they will be asking us both for feedback soon but just cant help feeling it was a premeditated plan to get laid. if so why not just go to a bar? he is extremely attractive, wealthy and sociable. have I just been played? sorry its so long I'm a newbie poster!!!

OP posts:

AndiiPandii · 10/08/2016 20:30

Sallybee

joined an introduction agency a few months ago which is pretty expensive presumably to stop time wasters etc.

Would you mind if I sent you a private message about this? I think I know the kind of agency you mean as I'd been looking at doing this and was wondering if it was worthwhile. I'd be interested to ask you some questions about it if that's ok.

Helmetbymidnight · 10/08/2016 20:30

You've got back into the saddle again, now you've just got to find the right horse. Or bicycle. Or something.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/08/2016 20:32

If you enjoyed yourself then chalk it up as just that. A fun night.

Next time you'll be better prepared.

PepsiPenguins · 10/08/2016 20:37

brightnorthernlights read her posts :) but it was her 4th

You will be fine OP, takes kissing a few frogs before you meet a good one :) I'd given up then met my now DP soon to be husband

Original poster

sallybee30 · 10/08/2016 20:39

starting to feel a bit stronger with these replies and know I will chalk it up to experience in a few days. I know he's wealthy but he must have spent around £300 on the evening in total and I think it influenced me thinking he would be serious with that investment.
selfish is maybe not the right word, and I know I took a risk sleeping with him if it was too much for me emotionally, but the cut off just feels so harsh. he's got a sister in her 50's trying to get dating again too

OP posts:

Bomb · 10/08/2016 20:39

OP, I know you were the last one to text but it sounds like it was a short text that was just answering his text. Is that right? Or was it a text that needed a reply. IYSWIM

3weeksthankgod · 10/08/2016 20:41

I'm not sure why taking you to a restaurant rather than a bar means you were played. Or any of it really. You went out, got on, went back to his and enjoyed it. He could have been completely genuine.

I wouldn't personally text but beware he might contact you after his holiday and act as if nothing has happened.

3weeksthankgod · 10/08/2016 20:43

Cross posted with you re the price of the restaurant but I still don't think it makes any difference.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 10/08/2016 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lorelei76 · 10/08/2016 20:49

I wouldn't text
Re the "why not just go to a bar" I've had a few middle aged men tell me they think it's not quite right at their age, whatever that means.

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 10/08/2016 20:50

I would text tomorrow . Eg : ' How are things have good holiday. '

If no reply leave it, if reply after 24 hrs etc wait same time as he did. Some people, not even lovers, wait a certain time before replying to e mail and text ..no idea why, but they do !

Goingtobeawesome · 10/08/2016 20:53

If you want to see him again, text him. I
All this don't text, let him do first, pride, etc is ridiculous if you're left feeling hurt.

Original poster

sallybee30 · 10/08/2016 20:53

sorry when I said go to a bar, I meant he could have gone and picked someone up in one, so much easier to disappear from and not need to explain yourself - rather than get the introduction agency to arrange to meet me

OP posts:

Marmaduchess · 10/08/2016 20:54

No dont text. Men like him rich and attractive are certainly not too shy to get in touch. If he wants to he will for sure. Maybe he will after the holiday but probably best not to expect it.

BadTasteFlump · 10/08/2016 20:55

You both wanted to have sex so you did - nobody's been 'played'.

If you want sex to mean commitment and a relationship, wait until you're in one before you dtd. Or - the more fun option imo - forget the whole idea of being 'played' and sleep with who you like. Sex doesnt make a relationship any more or less likely, somebody will either like you enough to want to see you again or they wont. He has the right to decide not to take it any further, just as you do.

You were fine before you met him and you will be now. I know it's hard at the start but the best way to get back into dating is to cast your net wide and get out there again. Along the way if somebody wants to see you again, they will let you know.

TheWindInThePillows · 10/08/2016 21:02

I think the message here is just don't have sex unless you are prepared for it to be just sex. I know quite a few people that have used dating agencies, and they tell me that quite a lot of the men are up for sex even if they don't think it'll work as a relationship, and vice versa. Lots of people using them are time poor and wealthy and will enjoy themselves whether or not it leads to something serious. It sounds like you had two good dates, but if it doesn't lead anywhere, it doesn't mean you were 'played', he didn't lie, and you had fun sex. Don't do it again though if you take it to heart every time.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 10/08/2016 21:02

Yeah it doesn't look great. i think if he was really keen he would have called.
i would have expected him to call at this stage and if it was me i would now assume that he has lost interest.
but that's just me.
others will think differently.

TheWindInThePillows · 10/08/2016 21:03

You could always wait for some feedback from the agency as well, you are presumably paying for that.

Italiangreyhound · 10/08/2016 21:03

Sorry it has not worked out how you expect. A very long time ago I was in a dating agency. Met a man who said i was the love of my life then dumped me a day later. I, too, felt the agency would have screened out his type, but realized he didn't really know himself what he wanted! He pretended all the women he met had left him and when I asked a few questions I realized he had left them!

He reappeared a short while later wanting to be friends. I was all set to forgive him/become friends but fortunately it all died out. I am now happily married.

Good luck. I know it is an old adage but a man should wait until you are ready and I am guessing after this experience you will want to be ready a bit/a lot later. Don't despair and do not blame yourself. If he feels any negativity about the date that's his business. You had fun (I hope) and maybe are a bit wiser. Men are men and a dating agency cannot vet out those who are not interested in long term (I know I used to work for one!).

Empress13 · 10/08/2016 21:13

Looking at it from another angle how do you know something hasn't happened and it is more important than texting you, eg family matter etc. Had he been married? Kids? They could be all manner of reasons why.

Otherwise yes you've been played but hey £300 spent on you on a night out, a good shag with a gorgeous man - you go girl !!

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 21:14

On the dating thread I linked there's lots of other MNs thinking they've met The One only to DTD and see him fade away.

It's sad, but by posting this you've let some of your anxiety out and you've reminded others about the reality of dating. Another rule on the thread is that nothing a potential date says can be guaranteed unless you really know him/her (or something along those lines).

teddygirlonce · 10/08/2016 21:15

As someone who had this type of angst in mid-30s, I would say (sorry to be blunt) that he's not that into you. If he was, wild horses wouldn't stop him from being in touch already.

I had loads of such scenarios dating, BUT when I met my now DH he left it no more than 24 hours to get in touch (with flowers delivered to work etc...). I played it cool and didn't contact him for about 72 hours....but it was already obvious that he was super-keen.

If a man is truly enamoured he will not delay getting in touch, he really won't....

Sorry for being blunt, OP. Hopefully there will be someone who really appreciates you just around the corner.

Good luck and please don't be disheartened.

tigermoll · 10/08/2016 21:18

I don't think anyone has done anything wrong here -- you or him. You just have differing expectations. You assumed that it was going to be a relationship, and he doesn't feel that way.

I understand that you feel hurt and disappointed, OP, and that is entirely understandable. It's easy to get your hopes up about an evening being 'the start of something' and then feel very sad when it doesn't go any further. I know exactly how you feel (I'm going through it myself)

I don't think you should fixate on 'why he spent 300 quid if he wasn't serious' or assume that it was all about the sex. I'm sure he enjoyed your company, wanted to have a nice evening out (rather than just a few drinks) with you, and hopefully so did you. The money isn't important -- it doesn't mean that you can assume a relationship, any more than it would mean he ought to assume you'd sleep with him.

If he was just about the sex, then don't think that making him wait until the fourth, or twelfth or whatever date would have changed that. People who are fixated on 'the chase' may chase harder when you are hard to get, but it doesn't make them fall in love when they get it. And sometimes it can be even harder to accept when they turn cold on you -- you have invested so much more time and emotion in them by that stage.

Ultimately, there is no way to absolutely guarantee that you can avoid all hurt and sadness when dating. It's a tough process, and you need to be courageous, smart and kind to yourself.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/08/2016 21:20

It's nothing you've done and nothing you've not done. It's the way the world is. You're not the first and you won't be the last women to be fucked off after a shag.
There's no right or wrong about waiting or not waiting for sex.
Look at it this was at least the sex was good. .
I mean being completely realistic did you really imagine even if your wildest dreams was having its wildest dream that you were going to walk down the Aisle with this man and be with him until you were 100 years old. If you did. With much respect you're ridiculously deluded.

WanderingTrolley1 · 10/08/2016 21:22

I'd text: "Hey how's it going - all set for your holiday?"

Something along those lines.

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