To think DH needs to live away for a week or so? Pushed DD pretty hard.

[Namechanged55]

I have changed my username. You have helped me with so much lately, so thought I'd ask for more advice.

We have 2 DDs, one is 12 and one is 14. To be honest, someone may remember one of my threads, but that's okay as I changed my username for that too.

DD2 was adopted when she was younger, 4 years old to be exact. Things have been going well, relatively, we have been having some inappropriate behaviour towards DH though which we have been seeking help for, since my other thread (thank you!) and we are taking those steps. However, DH literally lost it last night. Called her 'messed up' and pushed her off him (not at all supposed to be the way he deals with it obviously) but then cried about how he was really wrong to me and just wants to help DD2 but he's finding it difficult and I do not blame him, all the inappropriate behaviour (sexually, not going into details, because of the weirdos) is aimed at him, he has been able to deal with it relatively well so far and for the last couple of days has been following some advice we have gotten (still need lots more meetings though).

Anyway, enough of that really.

I have then been explaining to DH that he needs to spend a little bit of time away (we haven't been advised against this btw) but he will need to still come out on family days out etc so it still works as a family and we work together, but I mean when we are at home, he should just stay with a family member. DD2 is rightly so absolutely gutted, she's really upset and it hasn't helped her at all (I know we all make mistakes but it's a bit frustrating that DH did that as it has completely sent now more mixed messages to DD2).

By a hard push, I don't mean slammed into a wall, gosh no. He hasn't got a bad temper, it's just he pushed her off like he would if she was an adult, which was completely not proportionate, as she's a small 12 year old.

Oh, I don't know. He is now having the hump with me. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable to say he needs to stay away for a few days, while I build up DD's self esteem again. Like I say, he'll still come out for days out.

FWIW I feel desperately sorry for both the DH and DD in this situation. It must be terrifying for both of them.

OP I really hope you find some more appropriate support. Please seek help from people who specialise in this area.

Name I think hiding the thread might be your best bet, lovely. It's got all the signs of descending into troll hunting, and that's not what you need right now.

I don't have any advice to give as I've never been in your situation but you seem understandably under a lot of pressure and dealing with so much right now, maybe hiding the thread or getting it deleted by MNHQ would be the kindest thing to do for yourself?

AIBU isn't the most supportive atmosphere at the best of times unfortunately. I hope you get the support you need and a positive solution to this situation soon

X posted, I see you've hidden the thread already.

You KNEW when you posted here you'd elicit responses like that, you knew it.

Can't agree more. Anyone who knows this site would know such a sensitive matter would be better in another part of the forum.

Op, your daughter needs sensitivity, obviously. However, so does your husband - he's living in a very precarious situation here (he must be sick with fear, one allegation would probably ruin his life). Everything you say is about your daughter, he is a second though. You need to be more supportive of him, otherwise he may well walk away instead of being as to leave for a 'break'.

As for comparing you daughter to SEN children - I was raise around teen/adults with LDs, I was always told that if they had some comprehension of their actions, they could be held accountable for them. With older children, sometimes the very softly approach does not work, and although it's obvious she needs delicate care, it should not mean she can continue to sexually harass her father. It is for her own sake, it would be awful if she found herself in trouble in the near future (either legally or being preyed on further). I've seen it happen, some I know was abused as a child, now gave a record themselves, absolutely terrible, all because the system failed to deal with their issues.

User... @17.39h
That is incredibly offensive, both to the OP and any other adopted parents reading this thread. I hope it was motivated by ignorance rather than a desire to cause hurt.

I too wondered at the op's motivation for posting this in aibu, it was never going to go well.

Do people not understand that a child you adopt is your child.

Or that a 12yo is fully capable of being a risk to an adult

I read your last thread. Obviously the situation is incredibly difficult for everyone and I can understand why you jumped to thinking of asking your DH to leave for a little while. Unlike PPs, I'm not sure that is an entirely inappropriate response. Your DH is under a lot of pressure from your DD's behaviour and even prior to him pushing her and calling her messed up, he seemed to be struggling to manage it. He might welcome a break.

I also think family therapy would be helpful because although this problem is caused by your DD's history, it's the dynamic of your current family set-up that is going to affect how she moves forward.

I also think what would you expect from your husband if this situation were reversed and you were the one being physically sexually abused by your child in your home? Without a stable relationship between the two of you you and your daughter will struggle even more. I know parents put their children first but your lack of empathy and understanding towards him is shocking. I think you've lost sight of him in all this and yes he's an adult but he is also a victim here. You're in a terrible situation and I have huge amounts of sympathy for you here but it appears your understanding lies solely with your daughter and no one else.

can't really see how throwing it out here helps. Get professional help. Pay for it.

I think your DD is not the only one who needs specialist support, your DH clearly does as well as this must be hugely difficult for him and you don't seem to be overly bothered about that at all and it looks like you would rather blame and punish him. He must feel very alone.

op if your still reading I'm glad your not making your Dh leave - I think that will bring new problems.

I hope you all pull through this as a family unit

Hi this is awful for you all. But the person I feel most sorry for is your dh. And him being asked to leave just seems wrong to me. He's probably really hurt that dd isn't treating him as the father figure he is suppost to be. Tbh it is messed up ! He's right. And really who is anyone to judge weather he should have said that or not to dd because really it's all directed at him. I know I'd be mortified. If I was him I would be reacting sternly too ( not violently ) because dd needs to have very very clear signals here. I feel for you all.

Well I can see why the OP thought it was a good idea.
Her DH is clearly pushed to his limit and their dd behaviour is affecting HIM in particular. IT's hard to be in the firing line all the time. So I can see how going away for a bit and having some time out to be able to recover himself is a good idea. So not punishing him but giving him the space he needs.
What I have more of an issue with is the idea that somehow it's up to the OP to get the dd self esteem up. Why not her DH too?
And that all that is the sole consequence of her DH response, which wasn't good enough (as per what the professionals have said). I think her DH has reached his limits and needs to be given a break. Both on putting all the responsibility on his shoulder and making him the bad guy (He seems to be convinced he isn;t good enough already). And on giving him space on his own or maybe with dd1 or maybe by ensuring that he isnt alone with her arm (so SHE can make sexual advance to him not because he can't be trusted!)

To be honest, I really feel for him. He is clearly a fantastic dad who is trying the best he can. And sometimes he makes mistakes, just like anyone else (me and the OP and anyone on this thread). What he needs now is support FOR HIMSELF. The question is: what is the best way to give him that support so he can support their dd?

I don't think it's fair to say the OP isn't worried about her DH. She's trying to support everyone and to a certain extent, she is right that they both made the decision to adopt and both have to agree the best way to move forward.
The problem is that they did that, they sought professional advice and then her DH lost his temper and completely ignored all the advice they had been given. And yy I understand this all places him under pressure but if he can't offer the support the entire family needs and follow the professional advice then I don't think it's fair to blame the OP for that.

And bearing in mind the OP hadn't witnessed any of the previous incidents, then if she didn't witness this one either, she may have concerns about what exactly was said and how hard her DD was pushed.

Sorry it should be she she can NOT make sexual advances to him.

This must be so hard for him, and yes, undisputedly he lost his rag- which sounds as though its understandable.

She might need herself esteem raising but surely that needs to be done with positivity not negativity - she cannot possibly be said to have not behaved innapropriately for a week ( ''Good girl'') if her target isn't there.

He needs you right now, she needs you too, and you absolutely MUS present a united front.

It's not rejection of her, it's rejection of her behaviour and she needs to be told that.

You are clearly in a difficult position of trying to support both your DH and DD(s), but I suspect sending your DH away is not the answer.

You need professional advice on this, not ours. Good luck for the future, it must be very hard for you .

I've worked with young people who've experienced CSA/CSE who are now teens, OP. If you'd like me to comment, let me know. I know you've said this thread isn't for that purpose, though.

She has hidden the thread now, but I was really hoping that the OP would answer my question @ Fri 05-Aug-16 16:29:43 about how she would feel if her DH asked her to leave her home if the situation was reversed. I really do think the OP should be working together to support each other in this awful situation, but instead they seem to have been divided.

I shudder to think what your dd went through, it's a place I don't want to go to in my head, poor thing. I feel very sorry for you all, your dh too. Please don't send him away, the poor man is in a terrible position, one I'm sure even you can't fully comprehend. I have no helpful advice, I thankfully have no experience in this area. But I did want to add that your dd is now a very lucky girl to have you fighting her corner, I hope it all works out for you and all of your family

OP, I'm another one who fails to understand why you posted here. You seem determined that your DD is the sole victim and that your plan to make DH leave is the right thing to do.

OP: 'AIBU?'
MN: 'Yes!'
OP: 'But...'
MN: 'YABU!'
OP: 'But...'
MN: 'Here's some advice.'
OP: 'I don't want your advice, you can all fuck off!'

I really, really hope you get the help you and your family need. You and your DH must be at the end of your tethers.