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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think DH needs to live away for a week or so? Pushed DD pretty hard.

272 replies

Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 15:57

I have changed my username. You have helped me with so much lately, so thought I'd ask for more advice.

We have 2 DDs, one is 12 and one is 14. To be honest, someone may remember one of my threads, but that's okay as I changed my username for that too.

DD2 was adopted when she was younger, 4 years old to be exact. Things have been going well, relatively, we have been having some inappropriate behaviour towards DH though which we have been seeking help for, since my other thread (thank you!) and we are taking those steps. However, DH literally lost it last night. Called her 'messed up' and pushed her off him (not at all supposed to be the way he deals with it obviously) but then cried about how he was really wrong to me and just wants to help DD2 but he's finding it difficult and I do not blame him, all the inappropriate behaviour (sexually, not going into details, because of the weirdos) is aimed at him, he has been able to deal with it relatively well so far and for the last couple of days has been following some advice we have gotten (still need lots more meetings though).

Anyway, enough of that really.

I have then been explaining to DH that he needs to spend a little bit of time away (we haven't been advised against this btw) but he will need to still come out on family days out etc so it still works as a family and we work together, but I mean when we are at home, he should just stay with a family member. DD2 is rightly so absolutely gutted, she's really upset and it hasn't helped her at all (I know we all make mistakes but it's a bit frustrating that DH did that as it has completely sent now more mixed messages to DD2).

By a hard push, I don't mean slammed into a wall, gosh no. He hasn't got a bad temper, it's just he pushed her off like he would if she was an adult, which was completely not proportionate, as she's a small 12 year old.

Oh, I don't know. He is now having the hump with me. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable to say he needs to stay away for a few days, while I build up DD's self esteem again. Like I say, he'll still come out for days out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 17:32

I wasn't sending him away as a punishment. I was trying to look what was best for both them, I now know that was a bad decision and I'm glad I asked.

Tess, I post on Mumsnet pretty regularly too. If you don't believe, just report. I'm not up for dealing with the whole troll battle.

OP posts:
timelytess · 05/08/2016 17:32

No he doesn't. Not for pushing someone. Unless there is far more to this story
Of course he does. I've been a MNer for years. Pushing is the thin end of the wedge. He goes.

WannaBe · 05/08/2016 17:32

But OP, she does need to learn that her behaviour is unacceptable. And a child with SN would need to learn that such behaviour is unacceptable, and TBH it is offensive to compare the calculated behaviour of a twelve year old NT child with one who has SN and no comprehension of what they are doing.

The reality is that she isn't going to be twelve for ever. And as a child now in secondary it won't be long before she transfers this behaviour to someone else, a a teacher, an older boy, and as she hits puberty there will be boys who will react to her advances.

Yes, she needs professional help, but that professional help includes learning that her behaviour is utterly unacceptable.

The reality here is that she is being treated more softly because she is a girl. If this were a boy the concern would be far greater and the truth is that he would just be four years away from the sex offenders register. And that could be the same for her too if in four years time she is making sexual advances towards boys who are under age.

This is serious. this isn't just about a child who needs to be dealt with now, She is far too old now to be treated like a little child. You and your DH need to have a united front on this, because TBH I wouldn't blame your DH if he left of his own accord, and if he does, then you will be dealing with this on your own.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/08/2016 17:32

I'll bow out, then, but if you want to talk talk about it with someone who has been there (which I felt was maybe your intention in talking about this here), feel free to pm me. Otherwise, I wish you all the best of luck.

timelytess · 05/08/2016 17:34

Tess, I post on Mumsnet pretty regularly too. If you don't believe, just report. I'm not up for dealing with the whole troll battle
Nor am I. I don't want to add to your problems.

Original poster
Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 17:34

Oh come on, it's also offensive to say she outright knows what she's doing. Don't you understand?

You wouldn't blame him if he abandoned his child? Nice one.

Thank you for the actual advice

OP posts:
Acorn44 · 05/08/2016 17:35

Tess WTF?

Amelie With a birth child, I would agree with you; with an adopted child, regardless of their age, that method simply wont work. In fact, it could , make things worse. The OP needs adoption specific advice.

QueenJuggler · 05/08/2016 17:36

OP, I know a little bit about the impact of childhood abuse and how it can manifest in later life.

I also know a bit about what can help - and trust me, CBT is not even vaguely going to help with this.

She is dealing with the impact of severe trauma. She needs to see a trauma counsellor or psych who is experienced in dealing with abuse victims.

Is she seeing one?

BaronessEllaSaturday · 05/08/2016 17:38

timelytess would you expect a woman who slapped a man who sexually abused her to be punished for the slap? No then the DH shouldn't be punished in this situation.

Op how specialist are the experts advising you, I know you mentioned SS but they are too diverse to give good enough advice for this situation. You really need to find someone who deals with this kind of thing on a day to day basis.

QueenJuggler · 05/08/2016 17:38

And I'm not sure why you've again posted in AIBU. It's guaranteed to get the worst response. The Adoption board is full of people who will better understand the specifics of dealing with an adopted child.

user1470352051 · 05/08/2016 17:39

Hi, I'm not trying to be rude and maybe I have gotten it completely wrong, but if you husband did leave, he wouldn't exactly be abandoning his child would he? I would see your anger if she was biologically yours, but I do think it's different when they're adopted and maybe she needs more help than just a nice family. Maybe if she was still in care, they would be able to find residential places where she could get help?

Original poster
Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 17:41

I'm literally completely done now and will be hiding this thread.

We now have people comparing her to a sexual abuser and saying she isn't even our own child and should be back in care Sad

Bye.

OP posts:
itsmine · 05/08/2016 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 05/08/2016 17:42

Tess
I absolutely disagree with you, sorry. What's being described here isn't domestic abuse - it's a man who is probably terrified responding, in the only way he could think of at the time, to something which is potentially very dangerous to both him and his daughter. It's an entirely different scenario to a man pushing his partner.

callherwillow · 05/08/2016 17:42

You KNEW when you posted here you'd elicit responses like that, you knew it.

Penfold007 · 05/08/2016 17:43

To answer your AIBU: YABU

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2016 17:43

What he said was wrong. What he did, well, it depends. If she was holding onto him in any way then I think he was right to try and put her physically away from him. It's not reasonable to expect him to just stand there and say no. If he got carried away or didn't realise his own strength then he needs to tell her that whilst emphasising that what she did was equally wrong.

I know you have a long road ahead with this situation but having him leave won't accomplish anything.

timelytess · 05/08/2016 17:44

timelytess would you expect a woman who slapped a man who sexually abused her to be punished for the slap
More MN ridiculousness. Abused or not, a person of 12 is not a threat to an adult male. There is no way he can be 'in the right'.

OnionKnight · 05/08/2016 17:44

I don't think that the responses have been that bad apart from Tess being mind numbingly stupid.

WannaBe · 05/08/2016 17:44

Given the choice between leaving and staying to be the constant victim of sexual assault with no ability to act, no, I wouldn't blame him if he left.

These are the reasons why adoptions break down.

itsmine · 05/08/2016 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amelie10 · 05/08/2016 17:47

Op why exactly did you post in Aibu? Your last thread if I remember correctly was in relationships where you were happy with the support. Why Aibu instead of more suited topics, when you know for a fact your case is a specific set of circumstances

Wrinklesandspotstoo · 05/08/2016 17:48

But she was rejected and rightly so? You need to reinforce that rejection. She wasn't rejected as a daughter she was rejected as a sexual partner. I don't understand how sending him away helps.

timelytess · 05/08/2016 17:48

I don't think that the responses have been that bad apart from Tess being mind numbingly stupid
Tess sees things differently from the herd. That's not stupid. In this scenario, it makes a lot of sense.

itsmine · 05/08/2016 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.