support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

[FoofFighter]

It's DD's third birthday today. It would be lovely if we were in a position to share the whole day with her together but sadly things are never going to be like that.

Dropping her off at 4pm having had to do the gifts and cake etc already here, and she'll get 4hrs of it at his/his folks and be high as a kite when she comes home at 8pm...

[greencarbluecar]

Itsall thanks, that's really useful. I have a gut instinct that it's better not to say anything negative about him, but then struggle to answer questions about why he won't come, or won't turn up earlier. "I don't know" seems insufficient and not reassuring enough. Something for me to work on over the years. How do you explain to someone that it's not their fault their dad's a twat, without actually saying he's a twat?!

Foof good luck, and happy birthday to DD. No advice I'm afraid, but lots of sympathy.

[BigFatTent]

It's horrible to know you can't just do a normal birthday isn't it Foof?

I need a rant. This is totally identifying but I'm using my 'I have a narc twat in my life' username where most of what I post is.

Dc away with ex (as referenced up thread). Trying to organise when to speak to dc and ex being obstructive. I have facilitated skype calls hundreds and hundreds of times, starting with every single day with a baby (!) and then every other day until the court stepped in because it was just a way for ex to assert control and he wouldn't even take any interest in the call itself. Now being told dc phone contact with me has to be restricted in line with an interpretation of the court order that suits him. Dc only small and not used to more than a couple of days away ever so will without doubt be missing me

[itsallgonetoshit]

BigFatTent lots of sympathy.

foof happy birthday to DD.

greencar I'm afraid I have no idea how to answer direct questions except to say "I don't know, maybe that's something to ask dad" and then change the subject. I don't see it as my job to make excuses for him any more.

[FoofFighter]

She ended up going an hour early as plans I had made fell through - you'd think he would be happy to have her the extra time, he's only seen for one afternoon in two weeks and won't have her for a weekend until the last in August - he said he's bringing her home an hour early as she went an hour early WTAF!

[FoofFighter]

BFT, sucks doesn't it. In Mediation he demanded to come and see DD at my home (we are pretty much NC) on my xmases, or at the very least have a Skype. I got offered a phone call. The mediator pulled him right up on that

[BigFatTent]

Oh Foof, they are a fucking joke. I was bullied into mediation just before I left him (had to travel there and back in his car and was still living with him so you can imagine I had to be extremely careful what I said) which was shortly before Christmas that particular year. He insisted he had a right to come and spend part of Christmas Day with me and my family to see dc. I couldn't do that to my family and so, unbelievably I travelled a very long distance with dc and spent Christmas Eve to Boxing Day with his family instead! And I allowed him to visit dc in my home for 18 months which was horrific (but I felt at the time it was the only solution). Absolutely insane, but that's what they do to your brains. Now I am as NC as poss. When we went to court his initial proposal for Christmas was that he would have dc 24-27 December!

[BigFatTent]

Yep, so he's basically saying that a small child who is used to physically being with for at least part of the day every day except EO Saturday can only speak to me briefly twice in 7 days away. Selfish, evil twat.

[greencarbluecar]

Itsall I think you've given me a lightbulb moment and "it's not my job to make excuses for him" is going to be my motto. Thank you

Big and Foof what utterly selfish bastards. I've given up trying to understand how these miserable excuses for fathers don't put their children first but that doesn't make it any easier. Really hope your DC are ok.

I've done things to accommodate (for want of a better word) him too, especially when I was still living with him, that looking back seem ridiculous, but same as you it seemed the best/only option at the time. Now I'm always trying to play out scenarios in my head, working out how he'll make me pay if I don't do as he dictates. If I voice this then people around me tell me I'm paranoid. Not sure it is paranoia though, more a lesson learnt the hard way.

[GreenAndYellow]

My ex reported me to social services two weeks ago. It was an anonymous call, but can only have been him.

He doesn't care about the children, he only wants to hurt me.

Social services questioned me for ages about why I had stopped contact.

[GreenAndYellow]

(They closed our case with no concerns)

[iwantanewcar]

Joining please, as this is my situation. Some great tips in the 1st half of the thread. Thank you!

[3weeksthankgod]

green and yellow exh did exactly the same to me. It is very humiliating and stressful.

[Froginapan]

Joining.

I don't have the words right now to go into it all. Suffice to say:

I called the police, he's now the victim and 6 months on he is dogmatically pursuing me through the courts for nothing less than full residency of our child, has made us homeless, pretends it's me who is being entirely unreasonable, haave a CAFCASS officer who says one thing but writes another, pulled a stunt that left me with little option but to temporarily stop contact (God knows how that's going to go against me because once again he's lying)...and so on and so on.

I'm truly at breaking

[FoofFighter]

Frog, no need to explain, we get how exhausting it is even trying to tell anyone the most basic of details

[greencarbluecar]

It scares me how they all have the same methods and how many of these posts and others I've seen elsewhere I could have written. I have similar stories, his stunts and threats to repeat kept me there a lot longer than I would have stayed without them. I was terrified, humiliated and without confidence. Still working on that. He's now, of course, continuing to be the victim and alienating me from our mutual friends (after also slyly destroying many of my own friendships), all the while treating DC like crap and revelling in Making Me Pay.

I've resigned myself to the knowledge that there was always going to be someone else for him to charm and manipulate now, but I can't yet shake the feeling that a new person is blindly thinking he's wonderful, as he seems at the start and to the outside world, and could suffer the same fate. And DC will likely see it happen.

Giving you a hand hold frog, so sorry you have to go through this shit.

[BigFatTent]

It is frightening the lengths they'll go to to get their own back.

Frog I hope you end up in front of a judge who sees him for what he is. It must be so difficult for you.

[Froginapan]

Thursday is the start of a new round - Lord give me strength

[user1471258924]

Wow.
Some of the people posting here should introduce their knob head exes to my knob head ex girlfriend. They'd get on well (and she might leave me alone then!).

[greencarbluecar]

Will be thinking of you Thursday frog

[Mum4Fergus]

Evening all - dropped in previously to join but this is first chance I've had to come back...

I finally went to solicitor today so ex will be receiving a letter shortly outlining financial and contact arrangements going forward (assuming of course he agrees ... ha!). Final straw pushing me to this was a) deciding not to pay any maintenance this month, he would instead buy DS 'goods to the value of, and b) a weekend of constant messaging (from him) re pick up/drop off arrangements which changed 12 in the space of 2 days...enough is enough. I've no regrets doing it but have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach around how he will react to it.

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Frog..hope thursday goes well...similar situ here...lots of fraud,kids and me made homeless, bankruptcy on the cards, disapisation of assets,no maintainence ever, constant messing around/court about kids...kids finally snapped recently and now refuse to go to contact so he sent police to house because apparently I was harming kids...
And of course it's all my fault...there are no words..I'm just tired and so are the kids...

[GreenAndYellow]

"We get how exhausting it is... giving even the most basic of details"

For me, this is the most helpful thing on the thread so far. I hate being defined by domestic abuse that my children and have experienced. So many friends have been really supportive, but I feel guilty about talking about stuff and I worry about leaning them too hard. Some acquaintances and less close friends probably see my life as some sort local soap opera. Sometimes I don't want talk about the latest crappy developments, how I had social workers at my house (because ex sent them), how my ex breached the non molestation order again, how I don't know if I can pay the mortgage after November.

My friends have been amazing, and I'm lucky to have them. . Ex worked in the daytime and never knew how much community support I have. I am less isolated than most people dealing with dv, and I know I'm lucky However, I sometimes feel humiliated by being the needy one all the time. People quietly give me presents of things like nice coffee, because they know I am so skint and stressed at the moment. Bless them... I just want to be normal again!!

I'm constantly worried about what my ex is going do next. He won't turn up at the door with an axe (although I have changed locks just in case) - it will be clever and subtle, and I don't know what it will be.

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Normal...oh how I would love that..just normal....and peaceful and no Jeremy Kyle like behaviour anywhere on the cards...

[GreenAndYellow]

Frog, I am another person who will be thinking about you on Thursday.