support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

Can I join? My XH is definitely a narc. It is all about him and what he wants and what makes life easier for him, not about what is best for DC :( It's all his way or not at all.

He had a typical MLC with a younger woman almost 20 years who made him feel special and needed. He moved away and now sees DC when he can be bothered, around every 4-6 weeks. Lives with OW and their baby.

We can't communicate at all, only the briefest of emails, and he refuses mediation. He threatened to take DC away from me. He has been verbally abusive on the phone so I can't talk to him. He pays minimum CSA and begrudges that. i begged him for so long to have regular contact with DC, but he won't because he won't be told what to do by me.

DC deserved so much better! This is a great idea for a thread, but so sad that so many of us go through this shit :(

My mum did a handover with the kids recently. Exh arrived and immediately started showing off his knowledge about the place they were at. He barely asked them anything about them or what they had been doing it was all about him. That was my dd2 very first public performance and she is 3. My mum was baffled by his behaviour but I can laugh about it now. He didn't want a ticket for the show either - he wouldn't engage with any of it.

Just checking in, can I ask a question please? Do narcs genuinely believe their own bullshit?

Even when facts are so black and white they will ague against it, do they really believe what they are saying? Do their brains actually think what they are saying is true?

Does that even make sense? I'm a bit tired to go into personal detail, but my ex shares many traits sadly already mentioned and this has always puzzled me. I gave up reasoning a looonnngggg time ago but would like to know how their brains actually process information.

to you all dealing with these tosspots

Can I hop on board too, please. Only a few months into separation and every day I am understanding a little more about how bad it was. I wish I had realised before I had DC with him, but I didn't and now I feel so sorry for them having such a useless distant father.

I have a long running thread at the moment about my split from cheating h.
It's too late for me as I need to sleep, but I'll be back.
& for all.

Joining.

Wow...ten years ago I thought I was the only one. There are so many of us.

Left ex-h five years ago. Now supporting my kids deal with a narc 'dad'.

Hi all. Same here. Five years on, still paying for not taking him back after he left. I will pay for that forever because he will never accept it.

I was only thinking yesterday what a rough deal my dc have with him as a father and I wish I had known what type of father he would be.

He uses the dc to control me eg barely seeing them, not paying for them, giving them details re our relationship that they are too young to understand so they come back from contact angry at me.

I will only be free when he is dead. Sorry to say something so awful but I think about that a lot.

Marking my place. DS is only a baby but I'm worried about what's in store. Given I have made the 'irrational' decision not to keep our family under one roof, I too now Must Pay.

Checking in too. I'm away until Saturday so will post properly then.

1week...I could have written your post, except I finally left him.

Well...death is the ultimate 'NC' isn't it.

As to wether they know what they are doing, sometimes I think yes surely he MUST know, other times I am so sure he's wrapped up in his own bubble of his version of reality that maybe he really does think it's true.

Not very helpful sorry.

DD is a lot better today so he can take her out and I don't have to let him into my home

One of the things I found so hard before I went NC is simply communication. ( no he's not dead yet) He would attempt to make EVERY interaction a battle; everything I said would be used against me. It was exhausting draining and baffling.

I realised nothing I said would ever work or help. I couldn't be clever and outwit him. I couldn't be reasonable enough and get him to be reasonable back. So I completely stopped go using on his communication and focused on my own: I took responsibility for my part in the dynamic, whilst acknowledging how bloody soul destroying having Simeon like him as any past of my life is.

This book really helped when I absolutely HAVE to communicate with him.

www.amazon.co.uk/BIFF-Responses-Conflict-Personal-Meltdowns/dp/1936268353

All communication needs to be:

Brief
Informative
Friendly
Firm

It's helps so much in not being dragged back down into the rabbit hole.

Me too please!

Just cut down contact for abusive ex and about to embark on mediation.

Am being barraged with abuse and threats of being imprisoned/fined/losing custody because I dared refuse overnights with father of the year who still feels it's appropriate to bath a 3.5yo in the sink and shout and scream at anybody who will listen in front of DS.

I am staying so calm, clinical, professional but inside I am screaming FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD!

1week I have the same with my ex, telling DC things they are too young too understand, and it just makes them mad at me, everything is my fault, why he can't ring, why he can't see her more often, why we split up, blah blah blah, and then I get all the grief from DC.

It is getting slightly better as they get older though, as they can ask questions for themselves and see things for themselves.

I had an awful lot of counselling to be able to not engage and to not give a toss what he thinks.

When you realise that a narc will only ever care about themselves and will always put themselves first, it helps a lot, as you stop fighting and ignore.

Love BIFF.

My ex used to send very ranty emails but they didn't come across well in court, and he does like a good day out in court, so now I get delightfully formal emails from him addressed to "Dear Ms [misspelling of my surname]". We were married and had a child and you suddenly can't spell my name, eh? I think he intends it to sting but I find it hilarious.

Nyron, I think my ex genuinely does believe his rhetoric in a kind of way - maybe deep down is a lurking unease that it doesn't entirely square with the known facts, but that unease makes him cling to his position even more tenaciously, like someone clinging to a cliff with their fingertips. The lack of a safe foothold makes him cling even harder.

Any room for a bloke? Yes we too are victims or Narc wives (soon to be X!)

My STBXW is on her 2nd boyfriend in the space of 15 months, introducing my 3 lovely kids to the first boyfriend 2 months after discovering her cheating on me and us splitting up.

Second boyfriend was introduced to them again after 2 months! But according to her she wouldn't be doing this if she didn't think it was right for the kids etc! I've had nearly 2 years of her being more of a cool, big sister to my 3 children rather than a responsible mother.

It's tough because society and in some cases the law see's the mother as the primary carer in these situations, i'm trying my best to do the right thing for my kids, I don't ever criticise their mother in front of them, she's their mum and they love her, I tell them I love them, and hope to god they see past what their mum is doing and come out of this shitty mess in a good place, but its so hard sometimes.

I'm getting to a 'good' place though, its not al doom and gloom. Looking back on what I've been through, and put up with these last 25 years and learning about narc's is a true 'Lightbulb' moment and giving me some understanding of what I'v been exposed to these last 25 years. I now have a fantastic relationship with my kids, time to spend on me, money to spend on me instead of buying the 'disordered bint' designer handbags, shoes, etc...

As little contact as possible for me, texting works best. I keep it about the kids, times, dates etc...anything else I (try to) ignore it. Any contact above and beyond stuff about the kids is attention seeking to feed their narcissistic supply. Doesn't matter what attention they get good or bad, its like a drug to them, think of a drug addict...when they get desperate they don't care what they take to feed the habit.

Onboard
Tearsoffrustration- I could have written your post! Fed up of friends saying "just stand up to him. Say no" like it's that easy. Been bullied and controlled by him for years.

HoldOnHoldOn I agreed with tears too.... it's very frustrating when friends say "I wouldn't let anyone do that to me" as if I co-operated or colluded with Ex's twattery.
Ears slam shut very quickly when you try to explain.

reader77 thank you for that description...I'll look into getting the book.
Like you, I had to eventually learn how to disengage.

There is no way to persuade unreasonable person to be reasonable, when he has no intention of being reasonable and every interaction is an opportunity to "win".

I have found that this new found ability to be assertive and clear is very very useful at work, though.

Joining too.

I've been co-parenting with a narc for six months and it has been hell. I do the grey rock method, but he texts me every day, sometimes 3-4 times a day. I reply if there's something specific about DC, but it's like I'm opening the door and he texts more and more for a week before it dies down again.

His GF (OW) texts me too. She eggs him on. They have loud conversations when DC are on the phone to him about how stupid I am and about how I'll get my comeuppance because one DC is NC with him. She thinks he's an amazing father based on what he's told her, and on seeing him with DC twice.

I'm jumping aboard too! Over a year into life since my Narc future ex husband left home and the children and I have been through the mill.

Just one example of how far this man will stoop through lies and manipulation:

During mediation, when I asked him why he had demanded joint custody of our two DC the day of the first judgement (not a whiff of it during the long and stressful months leading up) he answered that he had never made that request and that both his and my lawyers were lying AND the judge! It beggars belief indeed especially as this demand is written clearly in the judgement.

I could go on and on...

Jumping aboard...God it's HELL! I will type more later!

Can I join? I agree they could do with a coparent section on Mn I'm surprised there isn't one. My ex is just an arsehole loves to pick me apart. Had ago one time that put 8 year hadn't brushed his teeth. I explained I hound him several times in a morning but of course I'm at fault dispite having two much younger more dependant dcs to are for. He is a perfect parent twice a week

Bess I think I may have been the OP on that thread! Checking in unfortunately.

Thank you for this thread...very timely, unfortunately has to make an appointment with Solicitor today as past 2 weeks have been an utter nightmare. Will catch up on posts later (sneaky work break at the moment!) x

Joining in! I think they really do believe their bs, they need to, to keep up their idea they are some innocent victims which keeps all the focus on them!!
STBXH literally telling me in discussions about split 'this is not about kids this is about me!'
Sad so many of us are dealing with this!!!