support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

But its their house, as in the children's. So they want to see him. They should have people they love around.

I feel 'wrong' saying he can't come in (I accept that's years of conditioning from him). And yes, I'm scared to say he can't.

Control is indeed the name of the game. Control and ego.

Sorry Fox I missed your last message before posting. That sounds like a very complicated scenario. When your youngest DD is a bit older could they all go around to ex's and have pop up beds?

he could have them all, he could sleep on the sofa. But they don't really want to - what's the point when they have their own bedroom round the corner? They enjoy their 1:1 time with him of course, its all a treat isn't it? Because we stayed in the family home, and he pays maintenance, he is 'entitled' (in his head). Dear God, who has the strength to deal with this shit?? And why do we have to??

I want to move house, but I don't have it in me.

DC1 criticised me yesterday for allowing DC4 to share my bed, and all the rest of my parenting faults. In fact he had a right go at me generally and took his bad mood out on me. OK, thats normal teenagery stuff. The problem is, when they do that, I hear their father coming out of their mouths (thats because XH's emotional intelligence ground to a halt around the age of 12). I react badly, take it personally and those knots in my stomach pull tighter. (Unlike his father, DC1 apologised and admitted he was wrong).

Can I just say thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest? Its been festering.

I started off the day so upset and angry. I work from home and often don't see anyone all day. So thank you.

Even though its their home there must be limits to who you let in the house fox and your abusive ex should definitely be off-limits. How can you feel at peace in your home knowing you have to let him in? It'll be better for the children in the long run if your ex has to figure out how to parent on his own turf, and when their mum doesn't have to suffer having her abuser in what should be her safe haven.

Just hammered the fuck out of a concrete layer on the floor pretending it was ex's face - made the job so much more pleasant think OH was slightly frightened though!

Hi need advise - after yet another bust up with exh communications have broken down. He wanted to be 'friends' but it seems only when it suits him. He constantly ignores my questions (obvs when hes with her) then sends me 'jokey' texts when hes on his own, so fuck him from now on.

Ive tried to be amicable; by setting up a shared diary with him for weekends and asking him for time when I needed childcare but its ok for him to lie to me and proceed to go off on holiday with his girlfriend when he knew we were supposed to be looking at secondary schools.

Now this weekend he ditches our daughter at a friends house while they all go out for a drink!!! WTF I would rather DD stay at home with me?? This totally contradicts his vile emails last month when he said 'oh I only have DD for 4 days a month'!!??
I haven't said it only has to be 4 days, I was away for 4 nights with work and rang DD every night making sure she was ok..
Is there anything I can do about him leaving DD while he goes to get pissed??
Ive deleted shared calendar and decided he can text me when hes next due to have DD (usually EOW) of which interestingly he cant make the next scheduled weekend according to DD but he hasn't let me know...
I have things planned for my weekends so he can now go and fuck himself I will be as awkward as hell...

This thread is a wonderful safe space for us all. At times like this though it's just a litany of sadness, frustration and sheer bloody anguish.

The trouble is, because we're normal, nice women, it's so hard to reflect these dreadful men's behaviour back to them. I know that in comparison to so many others I have had a fairly easy ride; no courts, no violence, slightly older children, maintenance ok. However emotionally it's been crap.

In the last couple of weeks I have very much taken messedup stance : he can now go and fuck himself. I don't, really don't, care what he thinks. I don't care what he says. I don't care what his friends and family think. I've stopped protecting his image with my dc. I haven't trashed him, I just don't attempt any whitewash. I make them available for contact, nothing else. I don't help him in any way be a part of their lives.

I don't want my kids to think it's ok for a woman to accept shit treatment from her ex. I want them to see that if you behave like a complete dickhead then there are serious consequences. I ignore him now. Never speak to him, text if absolutely necessary. If he fucks up, too bad. I can always pick up the pieces.

I'm not looking to forgive him, forgetting him will do me just fine. I know this feeling might not last. But it makes me feel in control, able to move forward. It's hard in our society for a woman to basically say she doesn't give a stuff. A friend I don't see often asked me today how often I talk to my ex. I said never, the odd text. She couldn't really believe it. I said he's ridiculous, can't parent with him, so he's out of my life. She's lovely, but I could see the disapproval and the "I wouldn't be like that" thoughts going on.

I know that you all understand, and that's enough for me. Like all things, you have to find your own way. For me this is the one working just now.

p.s we're nearly at 1000 posts. If anyone is good at starting and linking threads are they happy to do thread number 2? Same name just Part 2? Besshope - you kindly started this thread, is that ok with you?

I think I've been lucky too dusters as although its been shit at least ex had shown his true colours to the courts and child protection early on so no one takes him at his word now and I've got the full support of the social workers involved.

Dusters, do you have a consistent arrangement with regard to him seeing the DCs?

I think that's where my problem lies.

Well, after 2 weeks of living apart from Ex, i finally get my first reminder of why i left.
I was starting to feel like I imagined it. Like i made a big deal out of nothing. Then this morning i get a phone call.
We were trying to talk through an issue with our daughter and I was accused of making no sense, being vague on purpose, not saying what i mean and then of putting words in our daughter's mouth.
I was actually being careful not to offend him as i knew she didn't want to see him. I was trying to break that to him gently. he just told me that he knows perfectly well what the situation is and he didn't need to hear it from me.

The stupid thing is that for the first time in two weeks, tears started welling, i got flustered, felt useless and upset. I got off the phone as quick as i could and burst into tears - for the first time in two weeks.

I think i finally recognised his behaviour because i hadn't had to deal with it for all this time. i was shocked by it to be honest. I realised that i dealt with this every day before - what a life.

Wish i could avoid him really. The issue with our daughter means we will need to attend appointments together and i am dreading it.

I think he blames me for the fact she won't spend time with him

Remember "I got flustered, felt useless and upset"...yes this is how I can still feel now. My ex even has a particular 'look' to jump start this feeling in me. He often leaves in a rage now as I tell him it won't work on me anymore. Inside I'm scared that I may be wriong and somehow losing my sanity.

Fox I don't have a regular weekend arrangements. My ex won't agree to help regularly as likes to tell me last minute.

I've tried creating a new thread, same tile with number'2' after so..."support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2"

Not posted proper message in case I'm doubling up with anyone else.

It is sometimes worse when you don't have to deal with it and you then end up having to take to do with them.

I ended up on ADs and the doc said I'd got so used to living in stess that my body was having withdrawals from the stress chemicals

Wow - stress withdrawal? I came down with a horrendous cold that put me in bed for 2 days. it felt like my body was just saying enough...a last I was able to breathe.

I have also finally started looking after my health and diet. That is making me feel better too. Rollercoaster doesn't even describe it. thank goodness for my lovely counsellor.

Will look for the new thread!

My ex won't agree to help regularly as likes to tell me last minute.

Mine too. Have we all had DC with the same man?

Will go and look for new thread. This has been a real source of support and sanity for me. I see the disapproval from those in RL who don't understand too and it's such a relief to find people who get it.

frog so glad you managed to get GP to help. I've been asking for counselling and am on a very long waiting list for the six weeks cbt but not got anywhere with anything else. Well done for having the strength to keep going back.

Everyone else...lots of hugs and support to all of you too. It's shit that we have to go through this but never forget we're the ones looking out for our DC and they will always be the selfish entitled narcissists. I'd rather be me, despite the injustice.

Where have you gone dusters? I'm missing you on the new thread......

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2759253-support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-2

New thread